Weak in the Bee’s Knees

/ Quirky Girl

No sense in beating around the bush. I have a confession to make, so here it goes:

Hi, my name is Quirky Girl, and I like Burt’s Bees lip balm a tad bit too much.

I like it so much that I sometimes find myself subconsciously ingesting it so that I can apply yet another layer 45 seconds later.

Oh, it’s not all flavors.

Mostly wild cherry.

And pomegranate.

Oh, and açaí berry, too.

Who am I kidding?

They’re like the moisturizing lip balm version of Jelly Belly.

But in my defense, it’s 100% natural, nontoxic goodness.

Unlike Jelly Belly.

So theoretically, if I were to eat a whole tube of Burt’s Bees, I would (probably) be okay.

Not that I would.

Mmm. Wild cherry. So good.

Hey, wait…

What do you mean I’m not supposed to eat it? Why do they make all these amazing flavors, then?

Anyway…

I was at Target the other day, overfilling a super-sized shopping cart with thirteen tons of household necessities, when an unusual display caught my eye.

“The _ees are disappearing and need your help!”

Say what?

“With this purchase, you will help support _ee habitat. For each BringBacktheBees lip _alm sold or tweet with #BringBacktheBees, 1,000 _ee-friendly wildflower seeds will _e planted!”

For goodness sake, the b’s were missing!

How could I not take action?

How could I live with myself?

And what of this nonsense to omit the letter b from tweets!?!

Sadists!

I’d rather spend a couple of bucks on a practical tube of lip balm than visually assault my eyes with such improper spelling.

So I bought one.

Even though I have at least 27 other tubes of lip balm.

Somewhere.

Even though I have mixed feelings about bees.

Oh, come on. They freaking sting people, for God’s sake.

But damn it, Burt’s Bees campaign to… well… bring back the bees…just seemed like the environmentally responsible thing to do.

I like nature.

I like natural products.

I like honey well enough, too. It’s got some terrific health benefits

And bees themselves must have some redeeming qualities, surely?

After all, 1 out of every 3 bites of foods we consume are products of pollination by bees, from fruit to coffee beans.

But between climate changes, pesticides, loss of habitat, and disease, the honeybee population has been quickly declining.

I’m guessing people with potentially fatal allergies to bee stings aren’t too heartbroken, though.

After all, the little suckers are seemingly fueled by our flesh.

Well, that, and a desire to kill us all.

Scare a bee, get too close, step on it… you will get stung. And they will inject you with a lovely venomous substance called apitoxin.

And when honeybees sting, they also release pheromones that can rouse other nearby bees into joining in on the fun.

So one stinging bee can easily turn into hundreds of stinging bees in just a matter of seconds.

Such a fine example of mob mentality.

And not only do they leave behind their stingers when they sting, the bees also leave part of their abdomens, digestive tracts, muscles and nerves.

Don’t these foolish insects ever learn? This irreparable bodily damage is actually what ends up doing them in.

Think about all these unnecessary deaths. It’s like a self-induced bee apocalypse.

Ooh!

I just had a revelation!

Sure, we could all raise a ton of money to plant billions of wildflowers to help these bees.

But wouldn’t more bees’ lives be saved if they’d simply quit stinging people and dropping like flies?

Whoa, sorry. Terrible analogy.

Look, I truly don’t mind supporting a worthwhile cause.

But what if I do my part to help bring back the bees… and then they all turn around, band together, and sting me in the butt as I’m reapplying my sweet-smelling, bee-friendly Burt’s Bees lip balm?

Remind me again why exactly we’re trying to save these evil little suckers?

Don't let the pretty flower fool you. This little sucker is coming for you next.

Don’t let the pretty flower fool you. This little sucker is coming for you next.

16 thoughts on “Weak in the Bee’s Knees”

  1. Bees and I have an understanding. I don’t bother them. They don’t bother me. Peace. Unfortunately my wife hasn’t seemed to strike the same accord and, ironically, she’s the one with the Burt’s Bees collection. (I HAVE been known to imbibe on occasion…) Anyway…when bees are in the vicinity she sticks with me to take advantage of my truce agreement…but when I’m not around she’s left to show them her Burt’s containers in an attempt to arrange peace on the fly. I don’t think they can read…

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    • I think many people have a love/hate relationship with bees. They’d be so much more likable if only they could keep their stingers to themselves. 😛

      And even if those bees could read, they’re probably at a disadvantage trying to read the labels with all those missing bees. I mean, b’s.

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  2. I absolutely envy the way you structure your posts! It’s so easy to follow. Grr. Wish I would’ve thought of it. Great job! To be honest, when allergy season has got me like, “Ooh Allergies.. >:O”, I will actually go out to the back yard, find a bee, and let him sting me. This may be against everything your post is about, however, it clears up my allergies pretty well!

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    • Thanks! I figure if my own writing doesn’t make sense to me, it sure as hell won’t make much sense to anyone else. So, I always try to write in a way that harmoniously balances both insanity and coherency.

      Your writing style amused me from the very first post. I’m a sucker for anything that makes me laugh, and your writing certainly accomplishes that!

      Oh, and coercing bees into stinging you so they’ll die off a little faster… Perhaps this can be justified by the fact that they’re probably planning on stinging you anyway. You simply help speed up the process. 😝

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  3. I had a wonderful tube of Burt’s Bees with a touch of color. I left it in my shorts pocket and ruined four pairs of shorts in the laundry. Now I’m only using the plain stuff. It is still tasty.

    The bees are critical. No bees. No food.

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  4. Bees and B’s are necessary for the environment but if I’m stung I stop breathing. Of course my death won’t be as earth shaking as the loss of a bee colony. Now that is a sad thought.

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  6. As you might have guessed, I am always cynical when I hear of some corporations that will donate X amount of Y up to a total of Z for every qualifying product of theirs we buy. They’re getting a tax write off while also driving up sales from gullible people who really believe they’re making a difference (When often that maximum donation is easily reached and most of the excess sales result in nothing being given). If _urt’s _ee’s really cared about saving the _ees, then dammit, just plant the wildflower seedling they need and be done with it!

    On a lighter note, I don’t use (or eat) lip balm, but I scarfed down Flintstones vitamins back in the day. I don’t know why they never capitalized on their addictive taste and made actual candy out of them…

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    • Oh, believe me. I know full well how corporations love to take advantage of consumers and their desire to spend spend spend in the name of a “good” cause. And like so many other mom & pop type of companies, Burt’s Bees was acquired by a bigger company and is now owned by Clorox. And surely Clorox cares about the environment!

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  7. I like bees… we plant flowers to attract them to our garden, and they do a lovely job of pollinating all my edibles. They generally leave me alone; I’ve been stung only once (as a kid, between the toes when I almost stepped on one). I understand your obsession with Burt’s Bees pomegranate lip balm, I am also a fan. I’ll do my part to save the bees, and the B’s. 🙂

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