The Video Gaming Vortex

/ Quirky Girl

Some things get infinitely better with time, while other things seem to do the exact opposite.

One thing’s for certain:

Time can majorly mess with dormant gaming skills.

Clearly, I haven’t been playing video games anywhere near enough lately.

I recently discovered that I now totally suck at video games.

It’s true.

I’ve somehow gotten to the point where I now lose frequently… to any and every opponent.

The horror!

Not only have I been playing poorly, but my hands actually ache afterward from the determined death-grip I inflict upon my controller.

But determination alone still doesn’t stop me from losing.

I hate losing.

And more importantly, I’m far too young to be losing this badly.

Whatever happened to the days of being a badass Video Game Master?

I used to rule Old School.

And now?

I am undisputedly the worst player in my house.

Possibly even the worst player in my neighborhood.

Okay, so that may not be entirely true.

Surely, there must be at least a handful of electronically inept 90-year-olds who would do worse.

But seriously, where did I go wrong?

Modern games have become my worst nightmare.

I used to be able to defeat every last Goomba, Koopa, and Hammer Brother in record time on my quest to rescuing Princess Toadstool from that evil jerk Bowser, who had nowhere to go but down.

Down, down, down, into the fiery lava.

Which, apparently, is where all my gaming skills have ended up.

Super Mario Galaxy makes me feel like I’d just downed a few cases of liquor and then repeatedly smacked my head into a concrete wall before hitting the power button on the console.

And let’s talk about Rainbow Road.

Notorious for being a highly challenging level on Mario Kart, it’s only gotten more complicated over the years.

Naturally.

Especially now, with all the nauseating, seizure-inducing graphics that cause me to barrel off into a black hole in a fit of rage from all the flashing acid-trip type effects.

Mario Kart has evolved to the point where it makes me sick to my stomach as I drive my stylishly customized kart backward, off cliffs, and straight into the oblivion of dead-last place.

Don’t get me wrong, all of these incredibly realistic 3D graphics are astonishingly impressive.

They also make me wanna hurl.

I sometimes miss the days of 2D, where I wouldn’t become nauseated from inadvertently spinning myself sick in just a matter of minutes.

I’m naturally bad with directions as it is, so I really don’t need the additional challenge of getting lost for all eternity on a convulsion-inducing level of some infuriating game.

But all is not lost.

Super Smash Bros is one of the few games I do seem to excel at lately.

I suspect this stems solely from the joy of clobbering big bullies like Donkey Kong and Ganondorf with unassumingly cute characters like Yoshi and Kirby.

But even so, there are times when I get embarrassingly decimated by a highly skilled, child-controlled Jigglypuff.

Mortifying, I tell you.

I’m compelled to blame my unimpressive losing streak on my older brother.

Sure, it was years ago, but I firmly believe that always being stuck as the dreaded Player 2 as a child clearly accounts for my overall lack of game playing time.

By the time I’d finally be about to get my turn after watching my brother play Super Mario Bros for 57 straight minutes, he’d be so pissed about (finally) losing a life on level 8-3 that he’d reset the game and start all over.

I usually had to wait until he left the house altogether to even get a turn.

I suppose there’s also the remote possibility my skills have deteriorated due to my penchant for not being able to sit still for very long.

As an adult, there’s always this overwhelming inclination to get stuff done.

No time to sit idle when there’s so much to do!

But surely that can’t be the issue here.

Nah.

It probably has a lot more to do with the fact that kids are practically born with electronic devices in each hand nowadays.

Or maybe I just need to get more sleep.

At any rate, I guess this means it’s time to return to my Old School roots and start playing like a boss again so I can get back to kicking some butt.

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start…

Konami Code, help me!

Mario has kept up with the times. I, on the other hand, have some serious catching up to do.

Mario has kept up with the times. I, on the other hand, have some serious catching up to do.

53 thoughts on “The Video Gaming Vortex”

  1. ! It really does seem cruel trying to keep up and pretend you’ve still got a chance of winning when, in reality, you’re wasting time driving in circles and off cliffs on games like Mario Kart because any and all gaming skills have gone completely down the toilet.

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  2. I feel your pain Quirky Girl! I stopped gaming for a couple of years to focus on my studies and when I came back… It was like starting from scratch!

    It doesn’t help when you start playing games that have been out a while either, people have mastered them and you’re so far behind it seems cruel to put yourself through the whole ordeal…

    Luckily I’m getting hang of my most recent endeavour but, I’m attempting to try a new game this weekend… Wish me luck… I really hope I don’t suck 😦 hah!

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    • Exactly! It really does seem cruel trying to keep up and pretend you’ve still got a chance of winning when, in reality, you’re wasting time driving in circles and off cliffs on games like Mario Kart because any and all gaming skills have gone completely down the toilet. 😜

      Good luck this weekend!

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  10. Rainbow road is a glorious, hilarious, vomity mess.

    You can’t actually race on it though.

    (I loved Mario Kart but really struggled with the last one. I did like it. And didn’t get motion sick, even though I get that going around multi-level car parks. But I have a chronic illness that makes everything really, really exhausting. Mario Kart’s colour and motion and noise and constantly flipping what is up and what is down is the most exhausting thing I have experienced.)

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    • “A glorious, hilarious, comity mess”… I can’t think of a more perfect description than that. 😛 Even without a chronic condition, that game is incredibly exhausting and nauseating on the best of days. And yet, it seems to have no such effect on my kids. Go figure!

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  12. This was funny. I like your writing – light and emotive!

    I can’t say I entirely relate. Although, there is the odd game here or there that I steadily get worse at without constant practice, like Smash bros (if i don’t play it often I just become a total mess at it and have to start at square one.)

    I always feel a little drunk when playing Mario Galaxy because of how often I fall into the dark abyss. I just have no idea how to make that space plumber move like I want him too!

    One thing I’ve noticed happening, like you mentioned, is motion sickness when gaming. I don’t get it on rainbow road, but some first person games, when you have to look around quickly and move about a lot, can make me wanna hurl like all hell. Especially when playing on modern, HD, flat TVs. Bleh.

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    • Thank you for the kind words. It’s great to have you here! 🙂

      There are more games than I can count that make me feel intoxicated beyond belief after a mere matter of minutes, but Mario Galaxy probably takes the cake for Most Nauseating Game of All Time. It’s amazing! It’s innovative! But I absolutely refuse to play it anymore. 😛

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  13. I am God-awful at video games. Years ago we got a PC with a golf game installed. I tried it for hours and couldn’t get my golfer to do anything but send balls sideways with each swing. My wife – who has some gaming skills – laughed for a week about how pathetic I was. A few years later when the Madden Football game was huge for whatever reason we took the plunge. Not only were my players useless during games – when I managed to get control of them – I mostly directed them to the locker rooms instead. I was much better at arcade games and am not really sure why that skill set didn’t translate to video games. But one thing is for sure…I do NOT possess a video gamer gene. “Game Over” for that possibility.

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  15. 🙂 I haven’t played any games for years, I started late in my mid 30’s when my kids were small, but now they are adults I don’t play at all. I’m with you on the graphics – if there was any driving/riding of a fast pace, i usually had to get the kidlets to do that bit because I got motion sick.

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  17. I never ventured past Super NIntendo. If the controller has more than four buttons and the graphics looks more like a movie than an 8 bit pixelated wonderland, I don’t want to be playing it. Video games back in the day were challenging on their own merits. Now kids gets all the cheat codes and walkthroughs they need to master the game in 15 minutes and the only challenge is figuring out what in the hell’s supposed to be going on in that 3-D rendered abomination of a world…

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    • Agreed! Back then, we only owned a handful of games, and we played those games day and night until we found a way to beat them. It was so rewarding to finally find The Way to conquer a challenging level after a zillion failed attempts. 😀

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  19. Hmmm. It must be that you grew up being player 2. I am notoriously bad at pinball, pong, Mario, and any racing game. But, I am good at Tetris! Of course, you have no competition in Tetris. Which is just as well because according to birth order, I would have to be player six and there is no player six!!!

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