Reeling and Rolling

/ Quirky Girl

Heads might roll.

And some of those heads might eventually find themselves hanging on a wall in a restaurant.

Especially if one of those heads happens to belong to a doe.

Or a buck.

Or a moose.

Or whatever other animal carnivores love to hunt.

Do people hang bear heads?

Or do they just make creepy rugs out of the carcasses?

I really don’t know.

When I was a kid, I didn’t realize those tanks at the grocery store filled with banded-clawed lobsters weren’t just funky pet displays.

I never gave it much thought, one way or the other.

All I knew was that those sure didn’t look like something I’d want to purposely ingest.

But then the day came when I suddenly became hyper-aware of everything, and I literally couldn’t stomach anything that once had a face.

As the sole vegetarian in my family, this is not always a picnic.

Years ago, we made the mistake of going to Red Lobster.

Yeah, it’s a stretch,

But even most steakhouses have at least one thing I can eat.

Or, at the very least, they usually have a killer drink menu and can make some sort of badass mixed drink to make the visit worth my while.

But not Red Lobster.

I do have to give them some credit, though.

Having had not even a single vegetarian option listed on the menu, they graciously offered to create something for me.

That should’ve been my cue to turn and run.

But I didn’t, and they brought out the oddest monstrosity I’d ever seen:

Salad vegetables heaped, and I mean heaped, on top of a massive mountain of spaghetti.

Suddenly, those lobsters almost looked like a more appealing prospect.

Almost.

To this day, that was still one of the most disturbing things I’d ever witnessed.

Some people choose not to eat meat for health reasons.

But I can’t eat it because it truly bothers me.

It feels wrong.

I’m not even the world’s most animal-loving person.

I mean, I obviously care about animals and their well-being.

I’d just rather have an herb garden than a herd of cows.

Especially in my stomach.

Anyway…

Earlier this week, we ended up at a barbecue restaurant, for lack of other options, during an out-of-town venture.

Yes, a barbecue restaurant.

And this one had deer heads all over the walls.

There was easily a full dozen of those things hanging throughout the restaurant.

The place smelled all smokey, which is obviously to be expected in such a place. 

And the restrooms were labeled for bucks and does. 

Or rather, as the signs actually read, “buck’s” and “doe’s”.

That right there was yet another huge strike.

Restaurants demonstrating poor grammar usage on signage and/or menus make me want to turn right back around and run out the door.

But it was already too late.

We had already ordered.

As my older son so eagerly exclaimed:

“Wow! This place is your worst nightmare! Bad grammar, meat, and heads everywhere!”

A good half an hour later, the “freshly made” coffee finally arrived.

And by “freshly made”, I can only assume the coffee beans must’ve just been harvested out in the parking lot by the dumpster for it to have taken so freaking long.

The milk for the coffee arrived, too.

In a cup.

Because who needs a pitcher?

Oh, that’s right.

I do. 

I spilled milk all over the table as I attempted to carefully pour it without making a mess. 

But at least I’d managed to find a couple of acceptable vegetarian options for lunch.

Namely a baked potato and garden salad.

A butterball blob topped with sour cream and shredded cheese arrived for the potato…

Along with radioactive neon green salad dressing that I was informed was avocado ranch.

Hopefully, that’s really what it was. 

In an attempt to avoid Milky Lake in the middle of the table, I soon found myself licking green dressing off my arm in my tightly crammed corner of the table.

In a place with deer heads lining the walls.

Upon leaving, we were greeted with the sight of a stunning rainbow that appeared to start all the way at ground-level and artfully faded into a fluffy cloud.

And then I stepped in dog poop.

Oh, well.

That’s the thanks I get for sparing the life of an animal by eating a salad.

Crazy is as crazy does.

Or doe(s).

This poor sucker's expression says it all...

This poor sucker’s expression says it all…

46 thoughts on “Reeling and Rolling”

  1. I can’t for the life of me understand why people think that their diners would want to eat with those creepy animal heads over them! Ugh. I chuckled at your son — he seems to know you very well!

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    • It’d definitely add to the ambiance of McD’s. Kids love the play area, and they might just like the deer heads enough to yank them off the wall and throw them into the ball pit. 😝

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    • Fortunately, I’m pretty good at tuning things out, whether it be screeching kids or creepy deer heads. Besides, it wouldn’t have been too great a loss if I’d lost my appetite, since I can eat a salad or baked potato anytime. 😄

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  7. So the barbecue restaurant had deer heads everywhere, and they addressed their customers (through the bathroom signs) as bucks and does? That’s rather disturbing. If the restaurant owners think their customers are deer, how long will it be before they’re hanging their customers’ heads on the wall?

    Note the proper use of “they’re” and “their” in the above paragraph. #grammar

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    • Oh my God. I was so fixated on the visually offensive grammar that I didn’t even think about the implications for their prospective future dinners. I mean, diners. Really… 😬

      There, they’re, there. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your proper use of grammar. It’s always a treat to not have to mentally correct horrifying grammar. Truly. 😄

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  12. Thanks for the laugh! I eat meat but applaud your conviction (and your slightly unreasonable aversion to bad grammar in places where it matters very little – I’m with you :)) And, anytime you see a rainbow that’s too good to be true, watch out: life’s gonna kick you in the shin. (I think Confucius said that.)

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    • I love rainbows, so long as there are no strings attached. I could really do without any additional kicks to the shin, what with already being a walking disaster and having a couple of rough boys. 😄

      I know it’s petty, but I have this crazy compulsive desire to whip out a red pen and fix grammatical errors. Fortunately, I’ve got a fairly reasonable amount of self-control in that department. 😝

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  13. I give you mad props…eating at a place with just one deer head mounted on the wall would totally freak me out. I’d probably be fixated on watching whether their lifeless eyes would blink and look my way or wonder if the other half of the animal is on the opposite side of the wall. Guess you need to bring an emergency vegetarian food pack with you from now on, just in case.

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    • Fortunately, my kids provided ample distraction with their typical brawling-while-eating-in-public entertainment, so I didn’t have to give too much thought to the heads on the wall. 😝

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  14. Had relatives who always insisted in eating at a particular Mexican restaurant. I had no options with an ulcer at the time. Finally asked for salad. They had none. What if you ordered a taco for heaven’s sake, no lettuce or tomato on it? Now most places have at least one thing you can order when you’re considered “picky” 😂

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  15. I feel your pain, esp the dog poop thing. Here, I feed the birds, and they repay me by shitting on my car. Sadly, most restaurants offer few meatless options. Contrary to popular belief, salads and baked potatoes do not excite most vegetarians and vegans. Noting that the local Vietnamese place catered to vegans, we took my grandmother-in-law there for dinner. The veggie dumplings contained ground sautéed mushrooms that looked so deceivingly meaty she couldn’t bring herself to eat them. At the end of the meal, she slid her leftover stir-fried noodles AND THE DUMPLINGS into a to-go box. When I gave her a funny look, she said it would be a shame to waste them. I don’t know their ultimate disposition… probably it was less of a shame to dump them into the trash when she got home. Some days you can’t win for losing! 🙂

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    • You’re right- boring salads and potatoes are not all that thrilling to most vegetarians when dining out. An interesting salad may do, but it’s nice to have other options…as long as those options don’t resemble real meat too closely. 😄

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  17. If it makes you feel better, there are a lot of animals that will eat us if we don’t eat them first. Of course deer and cows are not two of them. Would you be OK with meat if it came from a bear or lion who was killed as it was attacking a person?

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    • Lmao!!! You raise an excellent point there. I’d have to give some serious consideration to the circumstances surrounding the animal’s death. If it tried to eat me first, then yeah, I’d probably feel vindicated by turning the tables and going from almost becoming dinner to becoming the victorious diner. 😛

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