Stupendously Speedy Stipends

/ Quirky Girl

“Thank you for your cooperation.”

Ha!

Like I had much choice in that matter.

I mean, short of bolting off on an attempted high-speed chase.

Which surely would’ve been quickly thwarted by the abundance of farm machinery and construction vehicles that typically dominate the roads out here.

Apparently, going to Walmart wasn’t punishment enough for one day.

I got carded for purchasing canned air as I was checking out.

Little did I know I’d be whipping out my driver’s license again 10 minutes later.

I guess I should’ve stayed home.

Who needs toilet paper and laundry detergent, anyway?

“Do you know why I pulled you over today?”

“Oh my God! Is there somebody under my car?”

Okay, no.

I did not actually say that.

I merely shook my head no in reply.

I don’t drive on the sidewalks.

I don’t plow over pedestrians.

I keep my vehicle out of cow pastures.

I’m fairly cautious, I’d say.

Minutes from home, I’d been driving up and over a teeth-jarring railroad track when I noticed telltale flashing lights in my rearview mirror.

Of course, it would be an unmarked police car.

On a one-lane road.

With no shoulder.

And no place to turn for at least half a mile.

Nothing but a long stretch of nothingness.

What was I supposed to do?

Pull off the road, into a field of hay barrels?

Preferably one full of disgruntled Longhorns?

So I crept along with those obnoxious lights flashing behind me until I pulled up to an industrial park.

Right between the shift from a 30 mph zone to a 45 mph zone, the officer’s trusty radar gun had clocked me at 43 mph.

In the 30 mph zone.

Coming down a steep hill, it’s easy to quickly gain speed if you’re not paying  attention.

He asked for my license, but didn’t bother with proof of insurance or registration.

Must’ve had sufficient time to run my plates as he was coasting along behind me, waiting to see if I’d eventually pull over.

I’m sure the motorcycle endorsement on my driver’s license didn’t earn me any brownie points, either.

Sergeant Scowly Dude didn’t look like a guy who believed in giving people the benefit of the doubt and sending them off with a warning.

I’d never, ever gotten a speeding ticket in my life.

Twelve years ago, I had been pulled over at 4:30 in the morning on the way to my final shift of work before maternity leave by an officer who had been pacing me.

At 39 weeks into pregnancy with my younger son, I nearly knocked myself out by hitting my head on the visor when asked for my license, registration, and insurance.

The officer looked on in a mix of sympathy and pity while toy airplanes and diapers flew out of my glove box as I attempted to dig out the requested paperwork.

In all fairness, I hadn’t slept in nine months, which might have been a factor.

For the whole incident.

That kindhearted officer let me off with a warning.

But this guy?

It wasn’t looking promising.

And with a mess of frizzy hair from an unfortunate combination of high humidity and rain, my typical adorableness wasn’t likely to do the trick, either.

This would’ve been a good time to have my charming kids in the car, surely?

Or my sweet, affection dog?

I’m usually sandwiched in traffic between tractors and cement mixers.

Or the occasional runaway cattle who manages to wedge, squeeze, and squish his way through narrow wire fencing to freedom.

And so I consider myself fairly lucky on days where the opportunity allows me to go more than 15 mph behind a bulldozer.

I’ve actually been passed by a semi truck a time or two.

A semi truck, for God’s sake!

Do I sound like the maniac here?

And yet, I received a whopping $250 fine.

Yikes.

I have nothing against cops.

There are countless decent ones out there who do good deeds and give back in immeasurable ways.

At any rate, I’ve been brainstorming less traditional modes of transportation.

Ooh!

I’ve got it!

Nobody ever gets pulled over on a cow!

At least, not to my knowledge.

Unless, perhaps, by a cop on a galloping horse…

The only problem is, I don’t have a cow.

And I would hate to end up with an even heftier fine, or worse yet, behind bars, for alleged cow-snatching.

Perhaps I ought to find me a Longhorn.

Nobody in their right mind is gonna want to mess with that.

Just strap on a backpack with a skunk inside for extra good measure, and voilà!

Good to go!

As a bonus, fewer suicidal animals would have the opportunity to make me an unwitting accomplice as they attempt to nosedive/hop/slither to their death at the hands (or would it be body?) of my vehicle if I’m not actually in a vehicle.

So there is that.

But I suppose this whole situation could’ve been avoided in the first place if I’d been riding a skunk or an armadillo.

Or if I’d stayed home.

And believe me, I’d be perfectly okay with not going back to Walmart again anytime soon.

~Happy Friday, everyone! Have a great weekend, and drive safely!~

Hint: It's not actually a ticket (or two) to paradise...

Hint: It’s not actually a ticket (or two) to paradise…

39 thoughts on “Stupendously Speedy Stipends”

  1. The last time I got pulled over was for “Slowing”!!! Really! I was on I-55 driving at 45 mph (minimum speed is 45 mph). I had a 3 tier wedding cake in the back I was delivering, being super careful to keep it intact. Somebody called 911 & beefed me because I was “impeding traffic” – by going the minimum speed! The police officer shook his head, gave me my DL back (not even bothered by the motorcycle endorsement), and told me to drive faster!!! Ha! :p

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  3. Rough !! I’ve had two accidents this year and I’ve only been driving for a year …. one was wait okay three but the first one wasn’t my fault…. one was a snowbank I slid into on a turn which may or may not have lost me 5 demerits and another last month lane changing I swear I checked 2-3 times and there was no one there that’s another 5 … which puts me at negative 3 on the driving scale 😭 yup I’ve officially reached bad driver status 🙄 sorry about the ticket love I’ve gotten one of those too accept it was a camera light so I got lucky with no demerits thank god. Life.

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  8. I can just imagine how it felt to have that police officer riding your tail until you found a safe place to pull over, he should’ve given you brownie points for that alone! As always, your post has left me chuckling and I’ll still be chuckling when I hear or read the word Walmart again!!

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  9. Someone must’ve had a monthly quota to meet, and you “sped” by at the wrong time…

    I’ve been lucky enough to have never been pulled over… partly because I rarely speed (Semis blow around me all the time!0, and partly because I drive a car that nobody would ever believe can even get up to highway speeds (and they’d almost be right!). I have a feeling I’d get pulled over if I ever rode on a skunk, but that would be so worth it….

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    • After seeing that same unmarked car nab several other vehicles within a matter of 48 hours, I had the exact same thought. 😬

      That’s one way to keep speed in check- ensure your vehicle can’t physically handle the speed limit. 😝

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  11. Yikes, that blows! I got a warning once — also 12 years ago — when I was in college. Over 60 in a 45. I started crying and got out of it. Only time I’ve ever been pulled over, knock on wood.

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  15. Oh Angelica, we’ve all been there with a cop pulling us over. I’m like you, never got a warning always a ticket. But I loved how you turned this incident into a humorous post. I’ll make sure to think twice the next time I have to drive to Walmart…maybe I’ll take the public transportation just to be safe. Always looking forward to your humor after a long and hectic work week. Hope this doesn’t put a sour taste in your weekend.

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    • I always do my best to turn unpleasant situations into something worth laughing at. Sometimes it takes me a while before I can see the humor in a crappy situation, but I’d say I rebounded rather quick, as this incident took place just this Thursday. 😝

      It seems the general consensus is that going to Walmart is not at all conducive to having a great day. 😜

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