Culinary Mayhem

/ Quirky Girl

If you can read, you can cook!

I read that somewhere a while back, and I could’ve died laughing.

I can read well enough, thank you very much.

But cooking?

Now that’s a different story.

As it turns out, that line is actually the title of a cookbook.

I’ve never read that particular cookbook.

But I’m way beyond the point of help, anyway.

As far as I’m concerned, the need to “refuel” is not only a major inconvenience, but an unfortunate human inefficiency as well.

It’s a necessary evil, at best.

And how utterly ironic that I am always hungry, yet I don’t want to be troubled by stepping into the kitchen to prepare anything that might take longer than 30 seconds.

Every time I open the fridge, I secretly wish that my next meal will magically materialize before my eyes.

I can bake decently.

From a box.

I’m usually able to follow those directions well enough.

Unless I don’t have all the ingredients and end up having to do a little experimental substituting.

Who needs a stick of butter anyway when you’ve got a whole tub of rice pudding?

Right?

Yeah.

I have no business being in the kitchen.

If I had a personal chef, I could probably get out once and for all.

Before somebody really gets hurt.

Case in point:

I’ve almost been knocked out by the freezer door on several occasions.

And I’m convinced the ice maker on the fridge is also trying to kill me, as it spastically fires off sharp-edged ice cubes at random angles across the kitchen.

There’s also The Oven Fire Incident, but we’ll get back to that in a moment.

Onions aren’t the only things that can bring tears to my eyes.

For the record, I can tell you from experience that if you accidentally rub your eyes after handling an onion, you’re in for a world of burning inferno waterworks.

Kitchen gadgets terrify me.

On the rare occasions I wander into those kitchen stores at the mall out of morbid curiosity, I can’t figure out what most of those gadgets even are, let alone what purpose they could possibly serve.

Cookie cutters are fairly self-explanatory, but all of that other stuff?

Not so much.

Some of these bizarre looking items look like they belong in a science lab.

Butter churners look downright dangerous.

Nutmeg mill, anyone?

Banana slicer?

Butter curler?

Wow.

There’s something for everyone.

And yet, it’s all so useless to me.

I can slice and dice things just fine.

Oh, and I do excel at making mixed drinks. I’m a natural at that!

Surely, that’s got to count for something.

Speaking of drinks, Baileys is the ultimate utility player in the kitchen.

I’ve used it to transform random ingredients into a work of… well, a real piece of work.

Baileys is a delightful addition to cereal, yogurt, and strawberries.

Voilà!

Instant meal, with a little added bonus.

In my house, we tend to plan our meals based on what’s about to expire.

Oh, the eggs are at their sell by date, the twisty tie for the loaf of bread mysteriously disappeared, and the plums are starting to shrivel?

Guess we just solved the dinner dilemma.

If the produce is getting too soft and the yogurt is a couple of days past the sell by date, it’s definitely smoothie time. It is the ultimate saving grace, the fabulous Waste Not, Want Not approach.

Smoothies are easy, sometimes delicious, occasionally nutritious, and most importantly, a great way to use up all those bananas, blueberries, avocados, and brussel sprouts that are a mere 6 hours away from turning into moldy mush because they’ve been hiding in the ghastly shadows of gallons of milk and apple juice for the past two weeks.

Perhaps the best part about smoothies is that if you’re feeling lazy and think chewing might take more effort than it is worth, all you have to do is gulp it down.

Which may be especially beneficial, depending on the alarming mixture of foods you just dumped into that blender.

On the plus side, you can drink it out of a cocktail cup to make it feel like an extra special treat.

A few more perfectly valid reasons why the kitchen and its gang of appliance and gadget buddies are not my friends:

I once forgot to put the coffee pot under the machine before flipping the switch and wandering out of the room. I returned a few minutes later to the sight of coffee spewing out of the machine, across the counter, and forming a muddy lake that snaked all the way across the kitchen.

There was also that time I reached over to unplug the toaster. It was still hot, and it burned my arm. Yes, I actually got beat up by a toaster.

And I’d once forgotten to coat a pan with oil before pouring the brownie mix in, and ended up eating the brownies all by myself right out of the pan with a fork because it just wouldn’t come out otherwise, and I hate wasting perfectly good food.

The blender also literally blew up on me while making a smoothie. In my defense, it was pretty old.

And my greatest failure in the kitchen (to date) that has clearly set me up for a lifetime of culinary success:

When I was in junior high, I attempted to turn pita bread into pita chips by tossing it into the oven for a few minutes. When I reached in to grab it, it was hotter than hell.

The next thing I knew, the oven mitt went flying into the oven.

It came out engulfed in flames.

Seriously, if that doesn’t’ make my point for needing to stay out of the kitchen, I don’t know what will.

Needless to say, the smoke alarm and I are old buddies.

~Happy Friday, friends! I know there are plenty of people out there who enjoy cooking. Clearly, I am not one of them, and for good reason. But if you happen to also be a culinary misfit,  you’re in good company!~

Take that, Martha Stewart

Take that, Martha Stewart!

(Culinary Mayhem originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 9/03/15)

39 thoughts on “Culinary Mayhem”

  1. I love your site!!!!!!!!
    From your post the kitchen and cooking is not your calling.
    Scary thing is my grand daughter took Honors Culinary Chemistry in High School. Yes it is a real course. LOL

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  2. Haha! QG, that was simply amazing, quirky and absolutely hilarious. I guess we all have our weaknesses and cooking usually tops the list. May be it is time for Alexa in the kitchen to whom we can just scream orders, at least we will have someone to blame for when it all goes wrong and the fire alarm has tired itself and the neighbours. Enjoy, QG

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  5. **megaphone** “This is the police! Get out of the KITCHEN now and keep your hands where we can see them! Slowly walk to the front door and open it CAREFULLY. Keeping the door open, return to the kitchen and (carefully, with BOTH hands) grab hold and support the bottle of Baileys. Walk back to the front door with both arms extended. As I approach, release the bottle into my hands.”

    This has been a service message brought to you by your local police. Please feel free to resume all family responsibilities. 😀

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  6. Smoothies are awesome, though adding half-dead brussel sprouts kind of lessened the appeal. Guacamole and chips is my go-to thing. And the crockpot. It is impossible to set one on fire, you can leave it on all day long. Plus, everything comes out toothless tender. Some cookbooks say you can even bake a cake in there. Christmas is coming, ask Santa for one. Great post, Quirky. Still LOL at the visual of flying pita chips and flaming potholders. 🙂

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    • I honestly have never actually thrown Brussels sprouts into a smoothie, but I have considered it a time or two. I hate wasting food.

      If there is any way to set a crockoot ablaze, I fear I would be the one to discover it. 😂

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  7. Such a cute and funny post!
    My family says I use the “Oh Sh*!!” Method of cooking because I always forget to set timers and I jump up yellling Oh Sh*! When I can smell the food either perfectly browned or burned. Lol

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  8. Oh my God, that is so funny! Thank you for sharing your escapades in the kitchen. The pita thing and oven mitt is hilarious. 🙂 I used to be a pretty um adventurous chef, and now somehow I’ve developed some acumen in the kitchen. Especially with a VitaMix! It’s a whole new world. 🙂 🙂 Anyway thanks for the laugh, and have a great weekend. I’m in a class for health and healing, it’s a 9 month program and quite beautiful. Blessings to you — Debbie

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    • I’m glad to hear your experimenting in the kitchen led to greater things for you! For me, it has just led to a general disdain for the whole nonsense of this “necessary” eating. 😂

      Hope your class is going well, and that your week has started off well, too! 😊

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  10. I can’t get over the exchanging of rice pudding for butter story. And I can’t get that image out of my mind. My wife has a sign in the kitchen, “dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off”

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  11. I relate to this SO MUCH! So funny. If I’ve chopped a tomato, I’ve done cooking. End of. The other week I was cooking (heating up) pizza and chips (fries). I took the tray of chips out of the oven to shake them, then put them back in, on top of the pizza. Not on the shelf above, the actual pizza. What a mess! I sacrifice a pan every time I fry an egg. I also substitute ingredients, usually with chocolate. 😉

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  12. lol I would have to join you in avoiding the kitchen … one friend accidentally made tea from lemonade … a bit sweet … I have cooked the same dinner for about four years now. Suits me and I know just what groceries to buy!

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  14. Angelica, your humor is so on point on this. I can truly relate to your experience. For me I tend to cook the same things for my family all the time because past failures helped me to make it much more delicious. The thousand attempts at making lasagna helped me to make a killer dish now. Don’t think I’ll venture into making something else.

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    • I’m glad you’ve mastered the art of making killer lasagna. That’s awesome! When my oldest son was born, I could barely boil water to make pasta or figure out how to make scrambled eggs. Fortunately, Ive made a slight bit of progress since then. 🤣

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  17. I loved this post. It was the perfect mix of humor, and subtle reminders of my own pitiful cooking skills. I’m glad you’re good at mixing drinks. How about a toast to all those wonderful smoke alarms. Thank you for putting a smile on my face. Take care.

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