Driving Mr. Mascot

/ Quirky Girl

Who knows?

I might be a better driver than you!

And I won’t get any tickets!

Unlike you…

And if YOU keep talking, you’re going to be riding in the trunk.

Eyes on the road!

The light is green!

Let’s move it!

My oldest son, the high school mascot boy, started Driver’s Ed this week.

I’ve never seen that child take such dedicated interest in learning anything.

Ever.

Granted, the monster was a natural on his dirt bike all those years ago.

And I always pictured him to be a decent driver.

When the time came.

Which, evidently, is right now.

After just one day of class, he was already an expert.

Monitoring my speed.

Correcting my hand position on the steering wheel.

Pointing out all the road signs that I’ll obviously fail to pay attention to.

Suddenly, I have new appreciation for the meaning of driving someone crazy.

Not only won’t I be getting tickets like you, I also have way better sense of direction!

Hey! You’re going over the speed limit again!

OMG! GET OUT!

Of course, I didn’t actually throw him out of the car.

But his future as a pedestrian was looking increasingly appealing.

We coasted along to the ultimate soundtrack to insanity:

Crazy Train.

Gangnam Style.

Hakuna Matata.

The thumping music rattled my brain and bones as the rearview mirror reverberated in concurrence.

Then flashing train lights derailed my thoughts.

Oh, shit!

Not again!

Those trains sometimes take forever to pass.

Or worse yet, they’ll come to a complete stop out of the blue, stranding lines of cars for hours.

So yeah, I was less than pleased.

And so was my son.

But not because of the train.

Apparently, that was the second inappropriate word I’d used in just a matter of minutes.

Figuring I was on a roll, he helpfully downloaded a Bleep app on my phone to censor my  inappropriate moments.

Fortunately, the train passed in a timely manner.

And we were on our way again.

I’m probably already a better driver than you’ll ever be!

I’m tempted to take both hands off the wheel and drive with my mouth.

Just clamp my teeth on the wheel, and see how well that works.

That’ll show him…

Show him what, I don’t exactly know.

At least render him speechless for a moment, perhaps?

But I really can’t afford to drive erratically like that.

Sure, it would set a rather poor example for my child.

And also, I’ve somehow already managed to get pulled over twice in three years in No Man’s Land.

Which amounts to more than I had ever been pulled over in all my years of driving.

Collectively.

There’s a line in my son’s driving handbook that cracked me up when I first read it:

Avoid turning your car into a deadly weapon!

Well, my boy nearly broke protocol the first time ever behind the wheel.

Yesterday, he officially got his Learner’s Permit after acing the written test.

And so on the way to Driver’s Ed this afternoon, my favorite mascot thought he’d surprise me by starting the car before I made my way out the door.

Oh, but that wasn’t all.

He proceeded to throw the car into reverse…

And then panicked as he realized he didn’t actually know how to stop the car.

He barreled out of the garage and down the driveway at Nascar speeds, as I ran after him like a crazed woman being chased by the devil himself.

STOP THE CAR!!!

STOP THE #@&%*# CAR!!!

The car jerked to an abrupt halt straight across the street, halfway up the neighbor’s driveway.

Thank God the neighbor wasn’t home.

That guy never misses a thing.

GET OUT!

YOU ARE DONE!!!

The brake is NOT just a decorative item!

Use it!

Before I drop dead of a heart attack in the middle of this road!

And to think, this is only the beginning.

Did I mention I’m two days into a 14 day detox?

So I can’t even calm my frazzled nerves with a drink.

Oh #@&%!!!

~Happy Friday, friends! Aren’t teenagers the best? Never a dull moment. Have a terrific weekend!~

At this rate, I'm gonna need to wear this thing around my neck like a cowbell.

At this rate, I’m gonna need to wear this thing around my neck like a cowbell.

53 thoughts on “Driving Mr. Mascot”

  3. This was too funny Angelica. I can just picture this. Although my daughter doesn’t have to take driver’s ed because she’s turning 18, she did ask me to teach her how to drive. I can already tell that I’ll be swearing up a storm when she takes the wheel. Ah the life of a parent.

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    • Who knew being a parent would be downright dangerous? Not just in terms of mental well-being, but physical safety as well. 😝

      Good luck helping your daughter on her journey to be coming a proficient driver! 😁

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  6. I don’t envy those moments. We have made it through getting two teen drivers on the road and only have one to go. Luckily, I have a 10 month reprieve before she even gets her permit. Phew!

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  7. Waiting until he gets his learner’s permit to throw the car into reverse and let it drift out into the street? Bah! I had already done that when I was about 7. That’ll teach Mom to leave us bored kids in the car while she runs into the convenience store…

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    • Whew! Then I must have done something halfway right if he’s waited this long! 🤣

      So, if you were backing out cars at 7 years old, you must’ve been a fairly decent driver by the time you were 10! 😜

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  9. Ha! My 16 year old is the opposite. Her comments while I’m driving are, “Why are you going so slow?” “You can turn now. Go. Now!” To which I have to keep explaining to her that I’m trying to model good driving behavior, which I also realize I should’ve started before last year lol
    Good Luck!

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    • Haha! It’s so rewarding trying to teach teenagers, especially since they clearly already know everything! 😆

      At this point, I don’t know if I’m doing a sufficient job of modeling good driving behavior. It’s challenging to do so as the temptation to jump out of the moving vehicle increases proportionately to the amount of sassy expert advice a child doles out. 😂

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    • It’s definitely a bit nerve-wracking, but I have faith that it’ll improve as he gains experience. Otherwise, he’ll soon have to find another willing adult passenger/instructor who is less faint of heart. 😆

      Hope you’re having a great weekend! 😊

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  16. Gawd, I remember teaching my baby brother how to drive. It’s intense and nerve-wracking for sure. Lol. He’s doing very well driving now, thankfully. I pat myself on the back for that.

    Lol!

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  17. lol now you will have heaps of fodder for your hilarious posts… first the learning, then the grand car theft … you know he will just take it once he’s licensed and so it goes on … and just when you are starting to adjust the second one will start the same round and soon your hair will be snow white .. enjoy 🙂

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