I had time to kill, as I waited for the bell to ring.

A long overdue heart to heart chat with an old childhood friend was decidedly in order.

And so the questions began.

Will I win the lottery this week?

Cannot predict now.

Will I be happy this year?

Don’t count on it.

(Ouch.)

Will we go on an amazing vacation this year?

It is decidedly so.

Will I be famous someday?

Outlook good.

(I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this.)

Will I win the lottery?

As I see it, yes.

Will my writing career blossom this year?

It is certain.

(Whew!)

Will I get run over by a tractor?

Outlook good.

Will I get mauled by a bear?

Most likely.

(Good God.)

Is the sky orange?

Signs point to yes.

Will I win the lottery this year?

You may rely on it.

(I’m liking the consistency on this one.)

Will the Cubs ever win the World Series again?

Without a doubt.

(Cubs fans, rejoice!)

Will I get sucked up by a tornado?

Outlook not so good.

(Way to burst my bubble.)

Should I buy a pet dolphin?

My sources say no.

(Damn it!)

Will Donald Trump be our next President?

Cannot predict now.

Will Hillary Clinton be our next President?

Reply hazy. Ask again later.

Will Homer Simpson be our next President?

Signs point to yes.

(Would that really be such a bad thing?)

Will I be stuck in No Man’s Land for a while?

Better not tell you now.

Will I get kicked by a cow?

Without a doubt.

Will I ever see a real, live unicorn?

Outlook good.

(Ha! In your face, doubters!)

Am I going to Hell?

Cannot predict now.

(Fair enough.)

Will 2016 be my best year yet?

Very doubtful.

Will 2016 at least be a good year?

You may rely on it.

Will I win the lottery?

It is decidedly so.

(And there you have it.)

The car door swings open and jolts me from my thoughts.

“Why are you talking to my Magic 8 Ball?” my older son asks.

“Because I need help, buddy. I need lots of help,” I tell him.

After all, the sky is orange, Homer Simpson is about to become our next president, and I’m in danger of being mauled by a bear in the very near future.

Clearly, I need all the help I can get.

But it’s okay.

I’ll soon be able to get the best help money can buy… once I win the lottery.

The Magic 8 Ball told me so!