Bigly Bestest Helper

@thebiglybestestdoggie: After a $250 trip to the vet for itching and scratching my way to an ear infection, Momma said I need to find a better hobby. So I decided to lick the kitchen floor clean instead. I am such a good helper!

~Happy Tuesday, everyone! Dogs are great helpers, aren’t they! They do a better job with household chores than most kids, and without even having to ask. Now, if only they could fold laundry…~

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A Loose Screw

An endless parade of buses, tractors, and horrifyingly inexperienced high school drivers finally pass.

And then the typical bickering and brawling commenced, mere moments after we made our way out of the school parking lot.

My precious darlings wasted no time, cutting right to the chase of intentionally annoying and aggravating each other.

And me.

Someone in the car was obviously an expert.

On everything.

But that someone clearly wasn’t me.

And then the fun really began.

Stop making that stupid noise!

Turn that down! You’re gonna go deaf!

He’s being stupid!

Why are you being so stupid?

Stop acting like a baby!

Meh.

I continued driving among the bickering insanity when I noticed something… off.

And not just figuratively speaking, either.

I panicked.

The brake and gas pedals…

What the…???

Where did they go???

My life flashed before my eyes.

Was this seriously how things were going to end?

In a malodorous, sweaty-gym-sock-stinking,  juice-box-stained deathtrap, with those two arguing beasts screeching and howling?

I don’t think so.

Over my dead body.

Ooh, no.

That was bad.

But what was going on?

Did I just break the brake?

Did I unwittingly have some sort of deranged Hulk-like moment and destroy a crucial car control with my freakishly strong right foot?

A hunk of plastic unceremoniously rolled backward and magically revealed the presumed missing controls.

And then it rolled under my seat.

Okay, that was a good start.

Except there was still a mysterious piece of rogue plastic on the loose that obviously broke off from somewhere.

I pulled into the post office parking lot, the very place my boys both harbor an unjustifiable aversion to, in an attempt to figure out what the hell was going on.

A large heap of plastic with a loose screw surfaced from under my seat.

I hadn’t the slightest clue what is was.

It vaguely resembled a pedal-shaped…

Something or other.

What did I know?

But the brake pedal was still intact.

The gas pedal was still intact.

So I determined it was safe enough to continue driving.

I mean, relatively speaking.

What with those shrieking banshee passengers and all.

Evidently, that heap of plastic turned out to be part of a vent that was situated near the brake pedal.

A vent part that I must’ve kicked and sent rolling.

Dangerously rolling, at that.

Well, that’s what happens when you discover you’ve got a loose screw.

Or two…

~Happy Friday, friends! Hope you all have a terrific weekend!~

This thing could easily be just a bonus piece of plastic with no justifiable purpose... right?

This thing could easily be just a bonus piece of plastic with no justifiable purpose… right?

Bigly Bestest Desertion

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Where, oh where did everyone go? The holidays are done and over with, and everyone went back to work or school. And all of my Christmas decoration buddies have been shoved into boxes and stuffed back in the closet. I am not happy about this.

~Happy Tuesday, everyone! It’s always a bit of a bummer once the holiday season has come and gone, but it’s apparently a lot more ruff, er, rough for a doggie. C’est la vie…~ 

Marginal New Year’s Motivation

Happy New Year!

Speaking of the new year…

I don’t have any New Year’s resolutions.

And I’m far too exhausted from all the, uh, fun and excitement of 2017 to make any.

But anyway, here are a dozen hilariously motivating and inspirational pieces of New Year’s resolution advice to help start the year off with a bang:

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(Having realistic goals and expectations helps start the new year off right and prevents instant failure two days in to the year.)

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(That’s the spirit! Way to embrace your amazing self, imperfections and all.)

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(If you make any resolutions at all this year, this ought to be it.)

new-year12

(This is a great way to take the pressure off. If you succeed in somehow bettering yourself, great. If you don’t, nothing lost. It’s a win-win!)

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(Go big or go home, right? So why not aim to fail in the grandest of manners?)

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(Ah, so that’s what all the fuss is about? A week-long To Do list? When you look at it that way, it really doesn’t sound so daunting.)

new-year6

(What a terrific idea! Everything about it has the makings of a successful business concept.)

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(For those of you with kids, it is imperative to set goals that are practical, attainable, and won’t drive you to drinking in the event of miserly defeat.)

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(Nothing beats the feeling of knowing that all your friends are rooting for your failure. Oh well. Who needs them, anyway? The resolutions, that is. Not the friends. Friends are good. Well, mostly.)

new-year11

(Some of us struggle with being able to identify realistic goals. It happens. Fortunately, there’s always someone who’s eager to help set the record straight.)

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(Hey! Being a smart-ass is a talent, not a bad vice that needs to be obliterated. Geez!)

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(Now this I can handle! Being awesome is…well, awesome! Always choose to be awesome.)

Whether or not you made any resolutions for 2018, just remember this:

Stay positive, keep smiling, and always try to find the humor in whatever life throws your way.

~Happy Friday, friends! Best wishes for a bright 2018!~

(Marginal New Year’s Motivation originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 12/30/16)

Bigly Bestest Resolutions

@thebiglybestestdoggie: This year, I resolve to show more affection by licking everyone/everything in sight, eat fewer rocks, sniff more butts, and spend more time snuggling with Lamb Chop. It’s gonna be a great year!

~Happy New Year! If you’re not in to making New Year’s resolutions, take a cue from doggies everywhere and keep it simple. Or better yet, save yourself the stress and just keep being awesome!~

So Long, 2017!

And so another year comes to a close.

Whew!

Where has the time gone?

Oh, wait.

I know.

As my oldest child would say…

Down the toilet.

Yeah.

Sounds about right.

Like any other year, there have been ups and downs.

But with any luck, the highs have more than balanced out the lows.

That seems to be the key to maintaining one’s sanity.

More or less.

But sanity is overrated.

So if 2017 wasn’t your personal best, fret not.

2018 is waiting right around the corner with the promise of a brighter year.

Let’s usher in the upcoming year with a bit of humorous inspiration from Mark Twain, shall we?

“New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”

Ah, yes.

Sounds like a mighty fine plan, indeed!

~Quirky Girl and The Bigly Bestest Doggie would like to take this opportunity to wish all our wonderful friends a bright, fantastic, and prosperous 2018! Let’s make it amazing!~

Oh, hi there! Hey, wait a second! It's not time for Tuesday Tails 'n' Tweets yet... is it?

Oh, hi there! Hey, wait a second! It’s not time for Tuesday Tails ‘n’ Tweets yet… is it?

Bigly Bestest First Christmas

@thebiglybestestdoggie: OMG! Santa came! OMG! I made the Nice List! Even after I accidentally chewed up part of that gingerbread house on Christmas Eve! I AM a good doggie! OMG! OMG!!!

~Happy Tuesday, friends! Jett certainly enjoyed his first Christmas in the crazy Quirky household. Hope you all had a wonderful holiday, too!~

Reindeer Games

‘Twas the week before Christmas, and all through Santa’s workshop,

The reindeer were busy plotting mischief and mayhem.

It’s true, Santa gets most of the glory.

But what about those hard-working reindeer?

They shoulder the bulk of the burden, carrying the weight of Santa and his gazillion tons of toys all around the world in a single night.

That’s no small feat, and it’s little wonder those creatures love their reindeer games so much.

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(The jolly ol’ dude’s weight has always been a delicate topic, but the reindeer aren’t known for their diplomacy.)

 reindeer4

(Hauling Santa’s donut-shoveling corpse around is more strenuous than hauling 386 sacks of toys at once.)

 reindeer37

(A GPS can only get you so far, especially when the reindeer have been tampering with it. While this mishap may not be the best example of a good time for all, it probably breaks up the monotony of  a long night.)

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(Who can blame these reindeer for wanting to make the most of this opportunity for mischief? Although frankly, I’m surprised Santa doesn’t get himself stuck every single time he crams himself down one of those things.)

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(Reindeer work hard and deserve a break! Which evidently involves partying hard and accidentally impaling Santa’s elves…)

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(Modern technology has done wonders in taking a huge load off Santa’s back.)

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(I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the… oops, the sky is the other direction! Well, so much for that…)

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(While the burden of hauling a five billion-ton sleigh falls on the reindeer, Santa gets his workout by sucking it all in and repeatedly diving in and out of strangers’ chimneys in the middle of the night.)

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(Your reindeer are begging you to put that donut down! In the spirit of the holidays, don’t be such a glutton!)

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(In such a role reversal, do the reindeer now hop out of the sleigh to slide down chimneys and deliver the toys? Or does Santa still have to do that, in addition to his newly assigned duty of pulling the sleigh?)

 reindeer2

(This is one of the sounds of the season, surely?)

reindeer41

(Hey, if the shoe fits… Ho, ho, hole! Merry Christmas!)

~Happy Saturday, friends! Have a fantastic weekend, and a very Merry Christmas!~

(Reindeer Games originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 12/16/16)

Bigly Bestest Christmas Dilemma

@thebiglybestestdoggie: It’s almost Christmas! Santa Reindeer Doggie told me I’m probably on the Nice List. Unless I’ve been a bad doggie. Does giving sweet hugs and tearing my toys to shreds make me a good doggie or a bad doggie? So confused…

~The Bigly Bestest Doggie would like to wish all his wonderful friends here on Comically Quirky a very Merry Christmas!~

A Highly Dysfunctional Hillbilly Christmas Playlist

Who doesn’t love a good parody?

I know I certainly do.

So I decided to put a slight spin on some of the traditional classics to create a slightly more, uh… modern Christmas playlist.

With catchy titles like these, they’re bound to be instant classics!

Presenting:

A Highly Dysfunctional Hillbilly Christmas Playlist!

1) Santa Claus Ain’t Coming to This Town

2) Angels We Have Heard Are High

3) Feliz Navi-D’oh!

4) O Come All Ye Ungrateful

5) Santa Got Run over by a Bulldozer (for Having the Audacity to Put Me on the Naughty List)

6) Here Come Satan’s Claws

7) O Holy Fright

8) Frosty the Know-It-All Man

9)  Jingle Hell Rock

10)  Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (in Timeout!)

11) All I Want for Christmas Is Juice 

12) The Twelve Days of Excessive Greed

13) Deck the Brother/Wife/Neighbor

14) Black and Blue Christmas

15) I Saw Mommy Chasing Santa Claus (out of the trailer with a shotgun)

16) Holy Crap! The Herald Angels Shriek

17) Do You Hear What I Hear? (Sirens again?!?)

18) You’re a Mean One, Mr. Police Officer

19) It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like the Aftermath of an Apocalypse

20) Where are You Christmas? (No, really. Where the hell are you?)

~Happy Friday, friends! Hope you all enjoyed this delightfully warped spin on the same ol’ ho-hum holiday classics. Have a terrific weekend!~

Way to totally sleigh ( I mean, slay) a Christmas classic.

Way to totally sleigh ( I mean, slay) a Christmas classic.

*A Highly Dysfunctional Hillbilly Christmas Playlist originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 12/17/2015