Bigly Bestest Pizza Pirate

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Well, well, well. What do we have here? Looks to me like a giant box of treats… Could it be?  Must. Move. Quickly. Eye on the prize! Eye on the prize!

~Happy Tuesday, everyone! Who wants pizza? Sadly for Jett, the box was totally empty. But if he ever manages to get his paws on some, he said might consider sharing. Maybe…~

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Jail (For a) Break

Do people ever break in to jail?

No?

Well, I suppose there’s a first time for everything.

Most days, I drive by the local police station.

Some days, I’m tempted to turn myself in.

For a crime I haven’t even committed.

After being imprisoned in a vehicle with two brawling beasts for a matter of mere minutes…

Let’s just say a much-needed break is in order.

A vacation, if you will.

With free room and board.

And courtyards.

And even a complimentary library.

What’s not to like?

Sure, prison food might leave a bit to be desired.

But at least I wouldn’t have to do the cooking.

I’d say that probably qualifies as an acceptable trade-off.

And yes, amenities may be lacking.

But just think:

A break from never-ending heaps of laundry!

And from vacuuming and mopping!

And from stepping on Legos dangerously scattered across every inch of floor!

Oh, and what’s this I hear about free healthcare?

Just give me a couple of books, and a notebook and a pen, and I’ll be good to go.

But first, I need a plausible excuse.

You know…

People do get arrested for not wearing a seat belt.

And sometimes for using profanity in public places.

I even had a teacher in high school who managed to get thrown in jail for jaywalking.

Or what about twerking in public?

Surely, that could land a bit of time away from it all?

Some states have really bizarre laws that could earn some time in the slammer.

Did you know it’s illegal to drive blindfolded in Alabama?

(I don’t know why anyone would, but okay…)

And in Iowa, you simply can’t throw a brick onto a highway.

(Good luck pulling that one off.)

And in Missouri, bear wrestling is banned.

(Now we’re talking!)

And North Carolina heavily frowns upon Drunk Bingo.

(Woo hoo! Sounds like a good time!)

Oh, but there are no beaches in jail.

So maybe that’s not quite the right place for me.

Yeah.

Come to think of it, what I truly need is a relaxing trip to the beach…

~Happy Friday, friends! Hope you enjoy a bit of a break this weekend!~

Ah! Just what the doctor ordered...

Ah! Just what the doctor ordered…

Bigly Bestest Valentine

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Roses are red. Violets are blue. Give me a yummy Valentine’s treat, or I am sooo done with you! 

Just kidding! But seriously, do I get a treat or what?

Just kidding! But seriously, do I get a treat or what?

~Happy (almost) Valentine’s Day! Hope you all enjoy a delightful day with your loved ones… both human and furry!~

Fundamentally Fashion Impaired

Dresses made out of trash bags.

Jumpsuits that resemble prison attire.

Crotchless jeans.

Um, hello?!?

Why do I always feel like I’m missing something?

Why would anyone want to parade around in attire that gives the disturbing impression of having just kicked Big Bird’s ass and then using his fashionable feathers to flaunt their victory?

I simply don’t get the world of fashion.

It’s so…

Weird.

And not the good kind of weird, either.

Haven’t these designers ever heard of yoga pants?

Or lounge pants?

Or better yet, pjs?

If not, they’re totally missing out.

Comfort should never be underestimated.

Who is all this eccentric stuff designed for, anyway?

Surely not most human beings?

Erma Bombeck said it best:

“Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.”

This stuff possibly can’t be meant for real life.

I don’t know.

Maybe I don’t get out enough.

Or maybe I’m not normal.

And I’m perfectly okay with that.

But come on.

Who wears this stuff?

It’s like fashion from another planet.

Ooh, maybe that’s what this is!

Intergalactic fashion!

Garbage can lids for hats.

Rompers made from mops.

Boots that are furrier than a wooly mammoth.

Talk about statement pieces.

And celebrities only perpetuate the madness.

How about Lady Gaga’s infamous meat dress?

Or Bjork’s weird swan dress?

Or Katy Perry’s memorable carousel dress?

Somebody intentionally created these monstrosities.

Some of those outfits would result in common folk getting thrown in the slammer for indecent exposure.

Especially with a scarcely concealing dress made out of meat, for heaven’s sake.

But celebrities?

They can get away with strutting down through town wearing nothing more than a sheer scarf as a top and car mats for a skirt.

That’s fashion.

Using one’s body as a kooky canvas like that…

Well, Picasso would simply be horrified.

But the madness doesn’t stop there.

When I go shopping for clothes, it gets overwhelming sometimes.

Is that garment supposed to be a tube top or a dress?

Or is it intended to be worn as a cape?

And that freakish in-between-fingers ring…

Is it meant to be a weapon?

All I know is somebody’s gonna get hurt.

And it’s usually me.

Especially when sadistic curiosity gets the better of me and I take a questionable garment into the dressing room.

Which appendage is supposed to go through which strap?

Surely this can’t possibly be a dress if it doesn’t even begin to cover my butt…?

Why does this shirt seem to have three arm holes?

I truly don’t want to end up in ER after accidentally knocking myself out by trying to cram my unsuspecting head into a narrow little arm hole.

But I’ve lost track of the amount of times I’ve managed to clobber my own face while trying on some sort of whimsical attire.

Simplicity is the key for me.

I can live without Star Trek inspired looks.

Or leopard print from head to toe.

Or aluminum foil onesies.

These concepts are certainly costume party worthy, if nothing else.

And not only are these crazy pieces…well, crazy, they’re insanely expensive.

If you spend $2,000 on a hideous fringe-covered, barf-green purse- I mean handbag– will you actually have anything left to put in it?

It might be nice to have money left over to do other things.

Like eat.

And maybe even pay the mortgage.

Not to be a slave to the money-draining, ever-changing world of fashion.

I can’t do high maintenance.

It’s too exhausting.

And that level of quirkiness is far too much.

Even for me.

Some people spend ten dollars on clothing and look like a million bucks.

Some people spend a million bucks and look like disheveled cow-wrangling floozies.

It’s all in how you wear it.

So be true to yourself and wear whatever makes you feel like a million bucks.

Especially if you’ve actually spent a million bucks.

~Happy Friday, friends! Clearly, fashion is relative. Just ask that poor doggie in the picture. Have a great weekend!~

It seems anything goes in the world of fashion...

It seems anything goes in the world of fashion…

Bigly Bestest Chilly Chillin’

@thebiglybestestdoggie: I don’t care if it’s only 15 degrees out! What part of I WANT TO PLAY FETCH do you not understand?  Okay, okay. Maybe I will just sit here in front of this nice warm fireplace with my blankie and ball until Spring…

~Happy Tuesday, everyone! For those of you in the Northern Hemisphere, hope you’re managing to stay warm this winter and enjoying a few lazy days along the way. For anyone in the Southern Hemisphere, it’s probably safe to say this doggie wishes he was there right now, playing fetch under the warm summer sun.~

Rhymes with Croak

Just do you.

I could totally get behind that mantra.

Truly, I’d love to.

If the context were to be completely different.

Ah.

Diet Coke.

With their newest commercial, they’ve accomplished the impossible.

Defiantly boasting of the coolness of doing whatever the hell you want, with an alarming tone reeking of utter desperation…

Let’s just say they’ve stooped to a new low.

You want to run a marathon?

Why would you want to do that?

It sounds super hard.

Just have a Diet Coke!

Yeah, we know it’s bad for your health.

But who cares?

Might as well die happy while all your organs start mutating and eating you alive from the inside out!

Way to go, Coca-Cola.

You’re empowering people to be the utmost mediocre versions of themselves.

I’m impressed.

You’re all but admitting your product is total crap, while encouraging people to aim low.

What a spectacular way to rebrand.

It’s the quintessential opposite of Nike’s Just Do It slogan.

But I get it.

Sales are plummeting as people become more health conscious, and you guys need to convince your target audience that your product is still relevant and cool.

So now you’re trying hard to appeal to millennials.

Just do you.

You only live once.

So why not develop a fine new addiction?

Coca-Cola or cocaine?

Either kind of coke will probably do.

After all, why the hell not?

YOLO, right?

Ooooh!

Look at all the pretty new colorful cans!

They’re so…tall!

And so slender!

And still every bit as bad for you!

But who cares!

YOLO!

Yeah, I know.

Serves me right for watching five minutes of Hulu after last week’s trashing.

But still.

Because I can!

Clever catchphrase, paired up with idiotic rationale.

Diet Coke makes you feel good!

Just like drugs!

Oh, you love meth?

It makes you feel great?

That’s awesome!

You keep right on doing you!

Everyone and everything else be damned.

Did you know Coke is great for shining pennies and removing rust from toilets?

And also for removing skunk odors…?

Which begs the question:

How could it not be good for your insides?

Sure, it can cause breakouts.

And mood swings.

And metabolic disorders.

But what’s not to love?

Why run a super hard marathon when you can just drink a Diet Croak?

Uh, I mean, Coke.

At least completing a marathon is something one can look back on with some degree of pride.

So what are you proud of?

Oh, I just had a Diet Coke.

Because I can.

I’m a badass, defiant rebel like that.

Uh huh.

That’s right.

Because. I. Can.

I don’t know about you, but I think I’d rather live in a yurt.

I hate to say it, but desperation is not an attractive look for you, Diet Coke.

~Happy Friday, friends! For the record, if you’re a fan of Diet Coke, I’m not judging you in the least. I merely found this style of “marketing” to be too humorous to not poke fun at. Have a fantastic weekend!~

When the first part of your name starts with "die", incognito may be the way to go...

When the first part of your name starts with “die”, incognito may be the way to go…

Bigly Bestest Super Bowl

@thebiglybestestdoggie:  Almost Super Bowl time! Just not sure who to root for. Cousin Chloe looks like a Furrydelphia Beagle, but Daddy seems to like the Chewingland Pupriots. BTW, does “Super Bowl” mean I’ll be getting a super big bowl of food for dinner?  Please tell me it does!

This doesn't look like much of a "super bowl". Am I supposed to eat this thing or what?

This doesn’t look like much of a “Super Bowl”. Am I supposed to eat this thing or what?

~Happy Tuesday! Poor Jett was disappointed to realize the Super Bowl does not actually have anything to do with his meal portions. However, he is excitedly awaiting kick off so he can go catch that ball and play some fetch. Go, Jett! Go!~

TV or Not to Be

Hulu down!

Hulu down!

OMG!!!

What to do?

What to do?!?

Well, here’s a crazy suggestion:

Take a deep breath in.

Then exhale slowly.

Now peel your butt off the couch…

And go find something else to do.

Read a book, perhaps.

Reading is rapidly becoming a lost art.

Now is a great time to rediscover it.

Speaking of lost arts…

How about communication?

Talk?

Like, to other people?

What do you mean, not virtually?

Ewww.

How does that even work?

Are you telling me I have to talk to my family now?

Please don’t make me talk to my family!

Anything but that!

Augh!!!

Such was the general sentiment when I perused Twitter comments on Hulu Support after experiencing a brief outage.

I’m cancelling my service!

You’ve ruined my night!

What am I supposed to do now?

That’s it. I’m switching to Netflix!

You’ve ruined my life!!!

I’m not sure whether to be amused or disturbed.

I guess we’ll go with amusingly disturbed.

Or disturbingly amused.

I do tend to be easily amused, after all.

The nerve!

The outrage!

Geez, Hulu!

Get your shit together!

You’ve single-handedly managed to ruin millions of lives with your carelessness!

What’s that?

Hulu and Netflix are both down?

Alright, then.

Let’s try a different strategy.

Put on some shoes and open your front door.

Now step outside and close the door behind you.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other until you are doing this thing that is typically referred to as walking.

Now look up.

There’s the sky!

Isn’t it stunning?

Look down!

See those beautiful flowers?

Is it nighttime?

Look up again.

See that magnificent perfect crescent moon?

And what about that spectacular shooting star?

These phenomena are part of what we call nature.

And reality.

No, definitely not the same thing as reality TV.

Geez!

It’s okay to take a break from the tube every now and then.

You could be sparing yourself a fatal blood clot, just by standing up and walking out of the room.

Instead of gearing up for a 12 hour marathon of The Bachelor reruns.

So consider it a blessing.

While you’re at it, why not use that dramatic outrage and put it toward a more worthwhile cause for genuine problems in this world…

Rather than bemoaning the injustice of having no access to television for 25 minutes, when far too many people in this world have no access to clean water or food.

Talk about First World Problems.

I don’t know.

Maybe I’m a freak, but I’d personally take a book over TV any day.

Don’t get me wrong.

I love a good comedy sitcom.

But would I be losing any sleep if my TV were to accidentally go flying out the window one of these days while my boys are busy brawling?

Probably not.

Unless it happened to fall on a poor pedestrian who decided to take a break from watching TV by getting out for a walk.

TV or not TV…

It’s not really a question.

~Happy Friday, everyone! Have a great weekend!~

Ooh! Look at all the pretty colors! Surely that's more entertaining than anything else on TV!

Ooh! Look at all the pretty colors! Surely that’s more entertaining than anything else on TV!

Bigly Bestest Pout and Shout

@thebiglybestestdoggie: What do you mean I’m all done with treats for today? And it’s time for bed?!? That’s it. I will cry and I will pout and I will yell and scream and shout! Oh, but I’d really hate to blow my chances for tomorrow…

~Happy Tuesday, friends! Fear not; The Bigly Bestest Doggie isn’t actually crying, pouting, or shouting; he’s merely enjoying a good yawn after an action-packed day of lying around, being adorable and all that good stuff.~

Cookie Crazed Frenzy

Girl Scout cookies.

It’s what’s for dinner.

And breakfast.

Oh, and lunch, too.

Apparently.

Such is the unfortunate challenge when you find yourself with eight boxes of Girl Scout cookies.

Yeah.

You read that right.

Eight boxes.

Of cookies.

Yikes.

Last Saturday while I was at work, a well-meaning family member decided to support our local Girl Scout troop and buy some cookies.

And by some, I mean two boxes each of Thin Mints and Trefoils.

Along with Samoas, Tagalongs, Savannah Smiles, and Rah-Rah Raisins.

We aren’t typically prone to such extravagant overindulgence of that nature.

Unless it’s Halloween, when there’s no escaping the sweet temptation.

At any rate, just shy of one week later, we are down to…

Exactly one box of gluten-free Toffee-tastic cookies that we’d somehow received in place of the Rah-Rah Raisins.

Let’s just say, those toffee cookies aren’t worthy of any rah-rah-ing.

Not all cookies are equal.

Sorry, but no.

A cookie is a cookie is…

Sooo not a cookie.

Sad but true.

Thin Mints top the hierarchy, hands down.

But we already devoured our two boxes of Thin Mints.

Ooh!

Maybe we could go door to door, asking to buy leftover cookies from random neighbors?

Nah.

That might be weird.

Or perhaps someone out there might want to trade a box of Thin Mints for some yummy gluten-free Toffee-(so not)tastic?

No?

Oh, Thin Mints.

I miss you already.

Until we meet again…

~Happy Friday, friends! Did anyone else indulge in a box (or ten) of Girl Scout cookies this year? If so, which one is your favorite? Have a great weekend!~ 

Sharing is usually caring... except when there's nothing left to share. Oops!

Sharing is usually caring… except when there’s nothing left to share. Oops!