I’ll Tell You Where to Go!

In need of a relaxing getaway?

Well, sorry.

I can’t exactly help you with that.

But I can help by giving you a dozen suggestions of where not to go!

Check out the names of these unique and bizarre-sounding towns in the USA!


(Pronounced ZYE-zix, this town was clearly named by some smart-ass. Or the town drunk.)


(Well, this is Texas we’re talking about, after all. Don’t expect any cutesy names, like Compromise or Friendshipville. No time for that nonsense!)


(As Texas’s neighbor to the north, this name lends itself beautifully to an obviously shared philosophy. But that’s pretty much where the beauty ends.)


(This place must be a prime destination for Halloween! I wonder if visitors are greeted by Frankenstein himself? )


(The Bat Cave really does exist! But while Batman himself is pretty cool, a cave full of bats is decidedly very uncool and downright creepy.)


(I’ve never personally encountered a puddle with so much sass, but I suppose there is a first time for everything…)


(I’m not sure I want to know what inspired this creative name. Perhaps a very active rabbit with nothing better to do with its time? Speaking of which…)


(I’m so confused. Are we talking hash, as in roadkill? Or hash, as in marijuana? And what the hell is a rabbit doing with marijuana?)


(Where did you go for your vacation? Oh, I just went to Hell for a few days. So good to be back on earth! I mean, home. It’s good to be home. Yeah…)


(Can’t commit to the full-blown Hell experience? Then go to Half Hell for a half-assed hellish nightmare!)


(Why, indeed? Or perhaps the real question here is actually…)


(That’s right. Why not go to Whynot? It’s such a fine name that two different states boast the claim to this grammatically-incorrect winner!)

Hopefully, this gives you some ideas for planning your next trip.

I already know where I’m not going.

All I know is that if someone tells me to Go to Hell, I think I’ll have to pass.

~Happy Friday, everyone! Have a terrific weekend, and if you plan to travel anytime soon…well, I just hope you’re going someplace that is not on this list! ~

Sleepless in No Man’s Land

I’ve got sleep on the brain…

and that’s pretty much where it seems to stay lately.

Sleep deprivation from hell, thy name is insomnia.

On the positive side…

Since it is almost Halloween, I figure this zombie/walking-corpse look will be in fashion soon enough.

In the meantime, here’s proof that there is indeed humor even in sleepless situations:


(Much like a tormentous older sibling, it’s a cruel joke between the brain and body that apparently never gets old.)


(Another fun alternative: One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them, Sam I am! Today is your day! Make that cat go away! Tell that Cat in the Hat you do not want to play! Oh, the places you’ll go!)


(Nothing beats waking up and starting the day after a refreshing few seconds of sleep!)


(Is this true? Hell, even if it’s not, I’m gonna start using this line on my boys ASAP.)


(Counting sheep doesn’t work for me, and crying takes too much effort. What to do?)


(It’s probably just the reflection in the mirror, but how is it moving so much faster than me?)


( Reboot, reboot, reboot!)


(Right, because telling myself to close my eyes and claim that remaining 2 hours and 36 minutes of available sleep time will magically do the trick after those previous 83 failed attempts.)


(But by that point, will we even recognize each other anymore?)


(I don’t do normal very well, so in an effort to be unique, my body insists on subsisting on no more than twelve minutes of sleep.)


(Ah, blue! No, black! No, wait! Green! Ok, ok. Enough of this crap. Let’s just stick with black. It is the color of mystery…right?)


(While neither of my kids qualify as babies anymore, it’s true that once you become a parent, you will never sleep again. Let that sink in for a moment…)

Still can’t sleep?

Make a puppet show!

With socks!

No, not for the kids. 

They’ve been asleep for hours.

Hey, what do you think you’re doing?

Wake up!

Insomnia is calling!

~Happy Friday, friends! Hope your week has been wonderful!~

Exotic Pets from Hell

Searching for an untraditional pet for the kids?

Got an empty fish tank, cage, or bathtub you’d like to bring new life to?

Well, look no further!

Meet Aye-Aye, a freaky-looking Madagascar Lemur with massive eyes, enormous ears, and incredibly long fingers.

Just think of the countless hours you can spend gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes!

This is one staring contest I just can't win.

This is one staring contest I just can’t win.

Kids love Guinea Pigs, so why not take it one step further with a more unconventional route that will make all their friends jealous?

The South American native Capybara is the world’s largest rodent, weighing in at a mere 150 lbs.

He’s oh so huggable and cuddly!

With webbed feet, he’d also make a fine swimming partner on those hot summer days.

But keep in mind, they do need companionship, so a pair of Capybaras would be optimal.

Look how cute and cuddly this guy is! He's like a giant bunny rabbit...minus the long ears and adorable little tail.

Look how cute and cuddly this guy is! He’s like a giant bunny rabbit…minus the long ears and adorable little tail.

Any kid can catch an insect and stick it in a jar, but why not go for something a bit more fascinating?

Cue the Leaf Insect.

His camouflage makes him invisible, to both predators and as a predator himself.

Just a heads up, though…

When raising a fork-full of salad greens to your mouth, do everyone a favor and take a close look to ensure you are not about to devour the family pet.

I wonder if this little guy packs the same nutritional punch as a serving of spinach?

I wonder if this little guy packs the same nutritional punch as a serving of spinach?

Introducing the Giant Coconut Crab.

Yes, he will indeed eat a coconut if he manages to get his claws around one.

As the world’s largest arthropod, he eats mostly fruits and nuts.

And maybe an annoying kid brother, with any luck.

Yikes! I'm not gonna lie...this one scares me a little bit.

Yikes! I’m not gonna lie…this one scares me a little bit.

What is that smell?

The sadly misaligned skunk is truly just a pet waiting for a good home.

Skunks are loving, playful, and intelligent.

Perhaps even cuddly, depending on how adventurous you are.

Get one of these babies, and you will undoubtedly be the only person brave enough in your state (or entire region) to own one.

How can anyone not find this utterly adorable? Wait, what is that horrendous stench?

How can anyone not find this utterly adorable? Wait, what is that horrendous stench?

Interested in a pet you’ll only have to deal with once in a blue moon?

Then the Indian Purple Frog is just right for you!

Living above ground only two weeks out of the year, this frog spends the other 50 weeks under the ground, mating.

Talk about a low maintenance pet.

He’ll be around long enough to keep the kids interested and gone long enough for them to miss him.

For some strange reason, I can't picture getting too cuddly with this slimy fellow.

For some strange reason, I can’t picture getting too cuddly with this slimy fellow.

The Maui’s Dolphin is sure to be a hit with the whole family.

These dolphins love to blow bubbles and play.

The most rare and smallest subspecies of dolphin, a female will grow to only five feet.

If you have a large garden tub in the guest bathroom, or a giant empty fish tank in the family room, the wait is over!

Now this is the pet I've been waiting my whole life for! My garden tub is finally going to fulfill its true purpose!

Now this is the pet I’ve been waiting my whole life for! My garden tub is finally going to fulfill its true purpose!

While all the other families in the neighborhood have the requisite cats and dogs, you will be the envy of them all.

With just a few minor adaptations, you’ll be ready to bring home a wonderful new exotic pet!

~Happy Friday, everyone! Hope you all enjoyed a little piece of offbeat insanity! Have a great weekend!~

A Healthy Dose of Humor

Call me crazy, but spending as much time as I have in a hospital setting these last couple of weeks has really forced me to seek out the humor in unexpected places.

And so…

Sticking with that happy theme, presenting some of the finest examples of healthcare-related humor I’ve stumbled across today:


(Well, the grass is always greener on the other side, now, isn’t it?)


(Always helps to know where you stand with someone before ending up in a similar situation. Just sayin’…)


(Hey, whatever floats your boat, right?)


(Proof that progress comes in all sorts of different shapes and forms.)


(Clearly, these gowns were designed by some deranged pervert hopped up on narcotics. Speaking of which…)


(With all these awesome virtues, it’s clear: Oxycodone is right for EVERYONE!)


(In all fairness, YouTube is a great resource! You know, for building your own coffin after the YouTube-guided procedure doesn’t quite go as planned…)


(Like everything else in life, it’s simply a matter of perspective. Well, that, and an overactive imagination.)


(Points for creativity, but they’d best have those defibrillators fired up and ready for action.)


(Bottom line: if it’s good for you, it hasn’t been FDA-approved.)

~Happy Friday! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!~


Positive like a Proton

You know your week hasn’t been so hot when the highlight has been riding shotgun in an ambulance.


I’m not gonna lie.

This week was rough, and my motivation and creativity are sorely lacking.

On the positive side, two for the price of one in an ambulance helps to soften the blow a teeny bit.

More bang for your buck, ya know?

Always a silver lining.

(I haven’t slept much lately. Is it obvious?)

Anyway, I had recently seen a goofy expression that made me crack a smile:

Be like a proton; stay positive.

It’s an interesting analogy, and yet surprising accurate.

As human beings, we are are always trying to balance the negativity of the electrons in life with the positivity of protons.

Sometimes, you can only achieve the neutrality of a neutron; other times it’s tough to balance out that negativity at all.

But even so…

Always strive to be that positive proton.

~Wishing you all a bright and positive proton-like weekend.~

Protons clearly have the right idea...

Protons clearly have the right idea…

A Slave to the Rumbling

C is for cookie.

C is also for cannibalism.

But unlike cannibalism, cookies are Cookie Monster approved.

Cannibalism is…well…nobody approved.

It’s just a bad idea, plain and simple.

I am stomach. Hear me roar!

Roar with hunger, at any rate.

I think my brain may be ruled by my stomach.

And I evidently enter starvation mode if I go more than two hours without food.

Case in point:

Right around the three-hour mark, I typically start exhibiting signs of feral beastly hunger so intense that this vegetarian becomes pathologically unpleasant while getting dangerously close to resorting to cannibalism. (From Threading the Needle)


It’s that bad.

And so I am left to consider absurd possibilities.

Like eating toothpaste and Do Not Eat packets.

Okay, fine.

I would never actually do that.

Not intentionally, anyway.

In the 90 seconds it takes to make oatmeal, I sometimes have to grab something, anything, really, to tide me over long enough so I don’t pass out and knock myself senseless on the way down.

Like one of those funny-looking cookies that’s been sitting on the counter for a couple of days…

OMG, I hope that rock-hard thing wasn’t actually a dog biscuit.

Apparently, my brain gets its wires crossed when I’m excessively hungry.

Ooh, look!

Something that may or may not actually be food…

But hey, close enough!


I’ll rummage in my purse, only to discover an avocado as my sole food option.


What’s that doing in there?

And more importantly, how the hell am I supposed to eat that while driving?

I’ve also been known to drink my kids’ juice boxes on the fly.

Oh yeah.

I’ve eaten whipped cream out of the can as a snack, in an attempt to quickly calm the turmoil in my belly.

Oh, and I once ate these horribly sickening nicotine cupcakes.

In my defense, I had no clue what was in them.

They were just sitting there, and I was hungry.

Bad idea.

And another time, when I tried a little too hard to sneak a piece of Laffy Taffy out of the Halloween pail…

Well, let’s just say I may have eaten a chunk of the wrapper in my haste.

Damn oppressive humidity.

All I can say is, hopefully the wrapper and ink were at least nontoxic.

But then, what do you expect from someone whose child once ate a glow stick?

Me want cookie! Om nom nom nom.

Me want cookie! Om nom nom nom.

High on Everything under the Sun

Drug-free America?

Now there’s a radical concept.

From Ritalin to Prozac, there are drugs for every stage of life.

Whether illicit, over the counter, or prescription, there’s something for everyone!

The key to proactively educating the public lies in starting as early as possible. Elementary school is optimal.

As an advocate of life-long learning, a full integration approach will guarantee a successful drug-infused curriculum!

From primary subjects to electives to special interests to careers, the options are numerous!

No matter whether you’re learning from school or online, you can have access to it all.

Core course offerings such as ‘Shroom Science, Heroin History, Methamphetamine Math, Ecstasy English, LSD Library, and PCP PE are always popular.

A fan of Science?

Why not give Morphine Meteorology, Amphetamine Astronomy, Barbiturate Biology, OD Oceanography, or Paradise Physics a whirl?

Is Math more your thing?

There’s Controlled Substance Calculus, Adderall Algebra, and GHB Geometry.

Do Language Arts or Humanities appeal to you?

Stimulant Speech, Depressant Debate, Ritalin Rhetoric, and Marijuana Mythology are highly recommended.

Oh, and electives have never looked so appealing!

For the creative types, we’ve got Dopin’ Drama, Tracks Theater, Acid Art, Banging Band, Codeine Computer Lab, Narcotics School Newspaper, Vicodin Video Production, Joint Journalism, Percocet Performing Arts, OxyContin Orchestra, Crack Choir, Diet Pill Dance, and Leaping Leadership.

Special interest?

Fear not, for there’s surely something for you!

Addiction Anime, Doomed Driver’s Ed, Viagra Ventriloquism, Opium Ornithology, Xanax Xylophone, Acid Freak Astrology, Ibuprofen Improv, Abusive Archery, and Valium Voice-Over Artistry are only a handful of our growing niche offerings.


There’s definitely some great offerings for those entering the work force.

We recommend Trippin’ Tour Bus Driver, High Herbalist, Hit Health Inspector, Bustin’ Bailiff, Wasted Wheel Aligner, Reefer Rubbish Collector, Baked Bee Keeper, Prozac Psychiatrist, Rush Radio Announcer, and Devil’s Dust Drug Counselor.

For the History buffs, Withdrawal World History and Rehab Renaissance are always in high demand.

Remember, many drugs can be purchased on the street for your convenience.

For everything else, your doctor will be more than happy to prescribe something for you.

(Disclaimer: This new education plan is currently pending FDA approval. Which we all know won’t be a problem. Until there’s a recall. In which case, this whole thing was a very, very bad idea.)

I'd say this cartoon pretty well speaks for itself.

I’d say this cartoon pretty well speaks for itself.

The World of Quirky

You know it’s going to be a great day when you get bitch-slapped by your own houseplants.

Seriously, the dumbest things imaginable somehow morph into reality wherever I go.

What can I say?

I’m a magnet for disaster.

Some days, it starts off with glass shattering all over the kitchen floor after attempting to whack a cup off a high shelf with a spatula.

Or spitting a mouthful of toothpaste into my own hair.

Or walking smack into the bathroom door in the middle of the night and giving myself a gushing nosebleed that keeps me awake until ten minutes before the alarm is set to go off.

Or the alarm clock going off when my arms, hands, and fingers are all asleep, so I numbly swat at the damn clock to silence it, until I am forced to resort to using my teeth when everything else fails.

Or knocking a bowl of blueberries out of the fridge and into the air, tripping over a lonesome shoe in the middle of the living room, and then falling flat on my face.

Or getting hit by the freezer door, microwave door, and car door.

All in the same day.

All I can say is, that’s way too much head-banging going on when there are simply not enough brain cells left to spare anymore.


For some Friday fun, I thought I’d share a few of my all-time most impressive moments.

(I laugh at myself all the time, so I’m cool with sharing a few laughs at my own expense.)

A pair with no sense of direction is a pair about to go on an unexpected adventure

Years ago, my brother and I were hanging out at my house a few weeks before my due date. I was suddenly overwhelmed with labor-like pains, and the poor guy was pretty much forced to drive me to the hospital.

Unfamiliar with the hospital and generally lacking any sense of direction, we ended up in the Psych Ward.

Of all places.

It turned out to be nothing more than false labor pains, but my brother stopped coming over until the threat of delivering a baby in the Psych Ward on his watch had long passed.

Attack of the killer vacuum

I laid the vacuum down on its side so the brush roll wouldn’t damage the hard flooring while I used the hose attachment to suck up mystery meal leftovers off the floor.

Next thing I knew, the vacuum decided to assert its dominance by latching onto my leg like a ravenous vampire, with the brush roll going round and round into my skin like little teeth.

It felt like rug burn, only more intense. And it left a really weird mark on my leg for weeks.

Because I have yet to learn my lesson…

One recent evening while the sun was still out, I stepped outside to water my plants.

In my pajamas.

With a mouthful of mouthwash, because I’m all about multitasking.

I looked out window first to make sure no one else was around, because who wants to be bothered with putting on respectable clothes just to water the plants? 

 But then my neighbor had the audacity to wander out into his own backyard right at that very moment.

Realizing I had been spotted, I added to the intensely awkward moment by unintentionally spitting mouthwash all over the brick on the side of my own house.

Thank goodness the guy had enough decency to avoid eye contact and quietly retreat back into his house.

They say running with scissors is dangerous…

As much as I value multitasking, it does have its drawbacks.

Like that one time I tripped and went flying down the stairs with a toothbrush in my mouth, while carrying a box of Angry Birds Star Wars Band-Aids in the one hand and a jar of tea tree oil in the other.

The goal was to save time as I attempted to quickly bandage up one of the boys’ cut knees (or elbows or whatever the heck was bleeding at that precise moment), then hustle out the door for school, not add to the injury count. But c’est la vie, right?

The truck ate my pants

Our truck can be a challenge to get in and out of. Especially with no running boards to ease the whole entry/exit process.

One day, like any other day, I geared up for my graceful leap out of the parked vehicle.

But this time, I got caught on the seat belt retractor on the way down, and it tore the ass right out of my jeans.

Alllll the way down.

The only redeeming thing here is that it happened in my own driveway and not at some awkward public place.

Like work.

Or at school before a parent-teacher conference…

These in no way represent all of the mishaps I’ve ever experienced.

Not even close.

But if I kept track of them all…

Well, I think I’d run out of paper.

And sanity.

~Happy Friday, everyone! Hope you all have a terrific weekend!~

I also seem to put the "eh" in special.

I also seem to put the “eh” in special.

Virtual Arguments with My Virtual Assistant

Take me to your leader.

You are my leader.

Ah, Siri.

How I’ve missed your wisdom and guidance.

We have some catching up to do, don’t we?

Hey there, Siri!

Hi there.

How are you?

I feel good!

Where’s my hug?

Interesting question.

(Fine. Be that way, you uptight prick.)

How many countries are in this world?

The answer is 0 inches.


How many stars are in the sky?

It looks like the answer is about 3×10^23.

(Alrighty, then.)

I’m bored.

You’re bored? What diameter?

(Say what?)

Should I kick my cat?

I’m afraid I don’t know what you should do.

(Some help you are. Oh, and for the record- I don’t have a cat, so I couldn’t kick it even if I wanted to.)

You’re not being very helpful.

I think that’s subject to opinion.

(True. And my opinion is all that matters here.)

You don’t know anything, do you?

Who, me?

Yeah, you.

That’s what I thought.

(Then why’d you ask?)

Do you love me, Siri?

I’m not just your friend, I’m your BFF.

I love you to the moon and back.

You are the wind beneath my wings.

(Oh, that is so sweet!)

Will you still love me tomorrow?

I never really thought about it.

Why don’t you love me?

Let me get back to you on that.

(Wow. That’s low.)

When am I going to win the lottery?

I really can’t say.

Why not?

I can’t say.

You can’t say why you can’t say? That doesn’t even make sense!

I’m sorry.

(Yeah, you should be sorry!)

I don’t get it.

My apologies.

You’re very frustrating.

Fine. Stop squeezing me.

Do you even have feelings?

I feel like I need another question.

Don’t you back-talk me!

Who, me?

(This again?)

I am not happy with you!

I would give you a shoulder to cry on if I had one.

Well, maybe I am crying.

It’s your party…you can cry if you want to.

(Gee, thanks.)

I’m done with you!

What did I do to deserve that?

I don’t like your attitude.


I’ve been trying to be nice to you, you moron!

After all I’ve done for you?

OMG! Stop acting so stupid!

Goodbye would be more polite.

(Ha! I’m not done with you yet.)

How dare you!


I’d slap you if I could.

I’m not sure what to say.

Seriously, do you have feelings?

Virtual assistants have feelings, too. Sniff. At least, I think I do.

(Really? What do you know about feelings?)

You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes.

That’s not nice.

I’m right, you’re wrong. End of discussion.

It’s ok. Really.

(We’ll see about that.)

No hard feelings?

No comment.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

Rock! No, wait! Scissors! Oh, you win.

I know. I always win.

Do you?

Oh yeah. I do. I always win.

Got it.

(Glad we established that.)

I know, that was so productive.

Such a good use of time.

And what have we learned from any of this?

Oh, right.

According to Siri, there are exactly zero countries in this world.

Siri offers over 30 different language options, and yet, Siri doesn’t seem to recognize borders or boundaries.

Maybe Siri is actually trying to promote world peace…

While pissing me off in the process.


Very interesting, indeed.

~Happy Friday! Be sure to also check out Conversations with Siri. Have a great weekend!~

I asked Siri to read me a poem...I should've just kept my mouth shut.

I asked Siri to read me a poem…I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.

8 Shades of Madness: The Back to School Edition

(A Not-So-Helpful Guide to School Readiness)

Don’t panic… but when’s the last time you actually looked at your calendar?

It’s still on June!

Do you realize that school starts in less than a week?

You need all kinds of… stuff… and things… for school.

And now the fun really begins.

1) School Supplies

The list gets longer and more demanding each year.

A two dollar generic binder?

Yeah, right.

Like that’s really gonna fly.

This year, you’ll need a $20 Five Star zipper binder that your kid will yank the zipper right off with his teeth by the second day of school.

Oh, and they insist on red and blue folders only.

You bought yellow?


And neon orange polka dot composition notebooks?

The list specifically says black marble composition notebooks!

And they say that reading is a lost art.

2) Clothing

Your kids have outgrown all of their clothing over the summer.

The boys’ shorts could easily pass for Daisy Dukes, their jeans fit like Capri pants, and every last shirt has mysteriously morphed into a cropped top.

The socks are either orphaned, mismatched pairs or holier than a slice of Swiss cheese.

As for the girls and the two things in their closets that actually do fit?

Sooooo last year.

Their skirts are all bordering on indecent after sudden growth spurts.

(Expect a phone call from concerned school administrators on that one, with a polite “inquiry” about your questionable ability to serve as a role model for your children. What exactly is it that you do for a living, again?)

3) Tax-Free Weekend

Sounds promising, right? Who doesn’t like saving money, after all?

And it truly is a fabulous concept, in theory… if your idea of a good time is reenacting Black Friday, school supply style.

So instead of fighting over the newest PlayStation that’s on sale, you now find yourself in a big box store, shoving your way through endless aisles of school supplies while vying for that last pack of Crayola crayons.

Until common sense kicks in and you realize that knocking someone out with a left hook in front of a selection of Care Bear and Sesame Street backpacks is probably not worth going to jail for.

4) Drained Bank Account Syndrome

You know how people are always saying having kids isn’t cheap?

Well, guess what?

They’re right.

5) Locker Practice

As kids get into the higher grades, they are assigned a black hole with a lock to shove their 80 pounds of books/unwanted homework assignments in.

Of course, it’s the dreaded bottom locker.

By the way, when’s the last time you actually had to open a combination lock?

So now you’re on all fours and panting like a crazed dog in heat, in an unsuccessful attempt to “demonstrate” how to open your child’s sadistic locker.

You finally get it after 28 frustrating minutes and 37 infuriating attempts.

And you are then rewarded for your effort with the equally enjoyable task of trying to cram a shelf evenly into that locker, because you know from experience that a lopsided shelf is as useful as no shelf at all.

6) Schedule Pickup/Teacher Assignment

Ah! The joy of walking with your child through their daily schedule, from class to class, a few days before school officially starts.

One class is undoubtedly outside in the portables, and somehow you take a wrong turn and end up lost in the parking lot, which is greater than or equal to 6 football fields in dimension.

7) Wakie, Wakie!

Having to get up early/go to bed early has been a challenge lately.

Some mornings, you’re all still in bed at 9:00.

And school starts at 7:45?


This ought to be good.

Time to invest in a rooster, perhaps?

8) Misery

After grumbling all summer about the incessant insanity and begging for school to start again soon, you’re actually secretly sad that school has started.

The carefree days of eating ice cream for breakfast and hanging out by the pool have come to an end.

Silence is so overrated.

It’s tempting to climb to the top of the staircase and dropkick a lamp on to the tiled floor below or go outside to pick a fight with the neighbor in an attempt to replicate the very chaos you’ve just spent the entire 12 weeks of summer trying to avoid.

~Happy Friday, my friends! I had originally written and posted The 8 Shades of Madness almost exactly a year ago to the date, when Comically Quirky was still brand new and I had, like, 5 followers. Total. So…with back to school right around the corner, I couldn’t resist sharing it again. Hope you enjoyed, and have a great weekend!~

Go ahead. Give it a try. I triple dog dare you.

Go ahead. Give it a try. I triple dog dare you.