Bigly Bestest Thanksgiving

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Did someone say “feast”?!? No clue what exactly Thanksgiving is even about, but I can already tell I’m gonna like it. Bring it on! 

~Happy Tuesday, my friends! For those of you who celebrate Thanksgiving, Jett and I wish you a joyous day filled with good food and good times. Bon appétit!~

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Unfinished Accomplishments

What do you do all week?

I swear, sometimes I ask myself that very same question.

Where is the time going?

And perhaps more importantly…

What the heck have I accomplished lately?

I’m gonna go with nothing.

Or nothing much, anyway.

Definitely not a whole hell of a lot, from the look of things.

I’m sure laundry and emptying the dishwasher technically count as something.

And with a to do list a mile long, surely I’m not lacking for things to do.

Yet, it seems that for every one thing I manage to cross off the list, I’m instantly having to add 10 more things.

It’s like being a hamster running circles on a wheel that never stops.

(Is this why people sometimes refer to life as a rat race? Interesting…)

On days like today, there is little to show for it.

Let’s see.

Today, I…

Fed the kids breakfast.

Fed the dog.

Brought the boys to school.

Walked the dog.

Worried incessantly.

Did multiple loads of laundry.

Emptied and filled the dishwasher.

Vacuumed.

Wandered.

Picked the boys up from school.

At least, I think I did…

Did I?

Where are those boys?

I haven’t heard a peep out of them in a while, and that’s never a good thing.

Hmmm.

Oh, well.

But truly, I don’t sit at home shoveling Bon Bons down my throat like a glutton while watching soap operas when the kids are at school.

For one thing, I don’t have the attention span to watch a soap opera.

Or anything else, for that matter.

I typically have to get up and do something.

Like dust off the TV or pull out the vacuum…

I’m telling ya, my ability to multitask has reached new levels.

Did you know it’s entirely possible to eat breakfast while pushing the vacuum around the house?

Yeah, well.

I never said it was a particularly good idea.

Some people have to go to the gym to stay fit.

But I get all the physical activity I can safely handle by pushing the vacuum around while balancing stuff while also trying not to choke to death.

I think I’m on to something here.

Some days, I drink my green smoothie out of a cocktail glass.

Because, why not?

By my calculations, I spend roughly three hours a day worrying about everything that is, and everything that can, go wrong.

Such an impressive use of time, I know.

My mind doesn’t merely wander.

It full-out gallops across intersection after intersection of green lights with not a single red light in sight.

I wander around the house, trying to remember what I had set out to do in the first place.

So then I wander around the neighborhood in hopes of clearing my head.

But curiosity wins and I start wandering into new construction homes within my development.

On the way back, I marvel at why the flag is at half-staff, and resolve to Google it when I get home.

And then I get back home and start to worry about everything that needs to get done around the house…

From touching up paint to dusting the base boards to dealing with the backed up dryer vent.

So I become overwhelmed as all these thoughts swirl through my head.

Then before I know it, it’s time to pick the kids up from school.

And I still haven’t managed to eat lunch.

Did I mention I’m still in my pajamas two minutes before I have to head out?

I cram a protein bar down my throat as I’m driving.

So what if my time management skills aren’t looking too hot at the moment?

Some days, I manage to get an entire week’s worth of things accomplished.

Go figure.

A little laundry, a little cleaning, a little writing…

And a whole lotta worrying.

About the state of the world.

About if I’ve somehow been screwing up my kids all along.

About the commotion of upcoming holidays.

That’s right.

Let’s just add the chaos of Christmas to the mix, too, shall we?

Because I might become bored otherwise.

It’s the season…

For what, exactly?

Migraines?

Ulcers?

Some days I start off by making a healthy green alkaline smoothie…

And end the day with a shot of Baileys.

Is it so wrong I’m secretly kinda sorta okay with everyone in my family landing on the naughty list to alleviate some of the stress?

I think I might have to accidentally delete the to do list on my phone.

I’d be okay with that.

Oops.

Too bad, so not sad.

So what is it that I do all day?

I swear, sometimes I just don’t even know.

~Happy Friday, friends! Hope you’ve all had a great week, and that you’ve managed to accomplish…well, more than I’ve managed to accomplish. Have a terrific weekend!~

Pretty sure this right here counts as a fairly significant accomplishment...

Pretty sure this right here counts as a fairly significant accomplishment…

Bigly Bestest Quandaries

@thebiglybestestdoggie: To pee or not to pee- is it ever a question? But to poo or to pee… Ah! Now that is the million dollar question.

~Happy Tuesday, friends! Life is always full of challenging decisions for everyone… even for doggies! Who would’ve guessed they had it so rough? Ha ha ha! Hope you’re all having a fantastic week so far!~

Ho Ho… Uh, No

I love holidays.

Truly, I do.

But Christmas decorations and shopping frenzies taking center stage before Thanksgiving?

Or before even Halloween, for that matter?

What’s up with that?

Unless you’re a retailer…

In which case,  the thrill of Back to School/Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year all start in July.

Who needs one holiday at a time? 

Bring ’em on!

Bring ’em ALL on!!!

(Literally. Everywhere. There’s no escape.)

(Because why the hell not, right? It’s never too early, apparently.)

(T’is the season… for what, exactly? It’s getting to be far too confusing anymore.)

(As efficient as Back to School/Halloween/Christmas shopping all at once might seem, this isn’t what I picture when I think about “one stop shopping”.)

(November isn’t technically off-limits for Christmas cheer… but September and October are definitely pushing it.)

(You know what they say- if the bottle ain’t opening, it ain’t time yet. Try again later. Like after Thanksgiving, perhaps.)

(It’s hard to argue with the fact that Thanksgiving is indeed rooted in violence, but it isn’t typically the turkey doing the carving.)

(On the bright side, if you get it all out of the way now, you may be able to avoid getting out of the house again until well after the New Year!)

(What a great way to cover nearly half a year’s worth of holidays under one convenient catchphrase!)

(Well, at least since Halloween is done and Witchy Poo finally got her turn, Santa is now only trying to push his way in front of one other guy…)

(I think it’s safe to say that turkeys everywhere are sick of playing second fiddle to Santa.)

(And it would appear that the Pilgrims are none too pleased, either…)

(Nor is Grumpy Cat. But then, when is he ever in the mood to celebrate anything?)

(But we all have different opinions, and that’s okay. If Darth Vader is feeling the spirit of the season already, more power to him.)

The magic of the season is undeniable.

Even though I’m not entirely sure what season we’re celebrating at the moment…

All I know is that I’m not quite ready for Christmas music or Christmas shopping…

Or even putting up the Christmas tree.

The insanity of the season can wait.

Right now, I’m perfectly content with relishing the delightful crackle of vibrant autumn leaves beneath my feet on a crisp November morning.

Unless, of course, I’m somehow magically gifted with a one way ticket to a remote tropical island.

Then I’m all for it.

Ho ho ho!

~Happy Saturday, friends! Have a terrific weekend!~ 

Bigly Bestest Selfies

@thebiglybestestdoggieHuman trying to take selfies with me. Can’t decide whether to eat the camera or her. Will decide…right after she’s done rubbing my belly.

~Happy Tuesday, friends! Thanks for joining us for more twit-tweeting doggie fun! Please stop by and check out the hilarious new about page for Tails ‘n’ Tweets with Jett!~

A Dynamic Duo

Two of the most dreaded things in life:

Going to the doctor…

And waiting.

Pair those two things together and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.

Especially when you add a couple of kids to the mix.

Then things really start to get ugly.

Yeah.

It’s a disastrous combination.

Meow Mix tastes like crap!

When is that guy coming in here again?

This, evidently, is how my boys enjoy passing the painful expanse of time waiting for the doctor.

Eww! Who farted?

Are you sure it wasn’t you?

Poop smells terrible…ly good!

What is the matter with you?

I’m tired! And I’ve had too much caffeine!

The room goes silent for a brief moment before they move on to battling it out over the leather spinning stool.

Oooh! It’s so soft and smooth. It’s like hugging the inside of a cow!

(As a vegetarian, this thought is especially unpleasing to me.)

They direct their attention to whatever Nintendo DS game they’d brought along for the ride.

This level sucks! Freaking Mario! You suck so bad!

The door to the room opens, and my older child redirects his attention.

He accusingly points at the doctor and indignantly exclaims:

We’ve been waiting forever for you! What took so long?!?

Don’t talk to the doctor like that! I’ll slap you!

Here, I’ll take care of that.

And he slaps himself.

Can we go to 7-11 and get Slurpees after this?

I don’t think so. Stupidity equals no Slurpees. 

I’m gonna stick a cactus in your eye!

If your murder me, you’ll go to jail!

I’m gonna throw you off a three-story building! No, off a ten-story building! No, off the Empire State Building!  

(Note: this is not at all what I envision when I encourage them to aim high.)

Keep that up and you’re going to be on America’s Most Wanted.

What’s America’s Most Wanted?

At this point, the doctor good-naturedly interjects:

You don’t want to be on wanted posters in post offices all over the country, do you?

Ooh, yeah! I want to be on America’s Most Wanted!

Can you hurry up and give him his shots now?

I’ll throw you out the window!

No, you won’t.

Last time you had to get shots, you screamed like a girl!

Why you gotta be so rude?

Augh! Don’t you dare! Don’t you do it!

Hold still or they’re gonna send a football player in to tackle you for your shot!

Wanna go? Come on. I’ll take you down!

The doctor’s gonna whack you with his reflex hammer if you don’t knock it off.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, good job! You did it! 

And just like that, it was all over.

Can we go out to dinner?

Ha! Like I’m going to take anyone anywhere after that mayhem.

But at least we made it out of there without any of us ending up on America’s Most Wanted.

~Happy Saturday, friends! Have a fantastic weekend!~

Why settle for brawling at home when you can share the joy by brawling in public?

Why settle for brawling at home when you can share the joy by brawling in public?

Bigly Bestest Halloween

@thebiglybestestdoggie: First Halloween with these crazy people. Made me this weird cape thing. Um, thanks? Yeah, pretty sure I’m being punished for something…

~Happy Halloween! Thanks for joining Jett (a.k.a. The Bigly Bestest Doggie) in the debut of our brand new weekly Tuesday Tails ‘n’ Tweets series as he struggles to make sense of this crazy, quirky world, and the even quirkier and crazier people who surrounded him…~

The Air up There

Fun fact:

The average couple in Delaware fights 24 times more frequently in a single month than the average UFC fighter battles it out in an entire year.

A whopping 73 times per month, to be exact.

Um, what?!?

How are there even enough hours in the day for that?

Do people have to schedule their brawls on the calendar?

Set daily fight reminders on their phones?

Dedicate extra time during the workday to hostile quarreling by text?

And what’s all the arguing even about in the first place?

Team Yankees or Team Red Sox?

Potato or potahto?

Blue-green or green-blue?

Seriously, what the hell?

Do people keep an ongoing list of possible topics to argue about?

I’m all for making to-do lists, but not of this particular variety.

Have these people not heard of choosing their battles?

Or do they all thrive on the thrill of perpetually high blood pressure?

Did they all marry complete assholes?

Or their polar opposites, at the very least?

Or possibly something from a different species altogether?

Like a boxing kangaroo?

I don’t know whether to congratulate the people of Delaware for setting such a high precedent or recommend that they all seek psychiatric help.

ASAP.

Because this can’t possibly be good for their health.

Where did they find these people to survey, anyway?

The county jail?

Preferably people who are guaranteed to be featured on upcoming episodes of Cops?

I’m personally a fan of peace, so this is all well beyond my level of comprehension.

73 arguments.

In one month.

With the same person.

This number doesn’t even factor in all the other human beings they’re all forced to interact with in the course of a day.

Does anyone in Delaware have inner peace?

Because I’m getting ulcers just thinking about it.

The national average for arguments between couples is only 19 times a month.

Still a fairly hefty number.

But it pales greatly in comparison to good ol’ Delaware.

What the hell is in the air in Delaware?

The EPA must really be letting things slide there.

Why is there no travel ban in place for Delaware?

Bickering, brawling, squabbling…

I’m starting to wonder if it has anything to do with the close proximity to Washington, D.C.?

Maybe these are all attorneys who are paid to argue for a living?

And then they leave work and continue to argue with their spouses/significant others?

Delaware.

The very first state.

The Diamond State.

The Greeks believed diamonds were tears of the gods.

Kinda makes sense.

I’m sure there are plenty of tears being shed with all this mayhem.

Nowadays, diamonds are viewed as a symbol of love.

And I’m sure there’s plenty of love in Delaware.

Or not.

Alaska, on the other hand, sets the standard with the least amount of arguing.

A relatively miniscule nine arguments per month.

It’s probably far too cold there for anyone to even bother getting out of bed in the first place.

Hey, wait a second!

Maybe that’s the solution to all of life’s problems…

~It’s time to mix things up a bit! Starting next week, Comically Quirky will be adding an exciting new mini-feature! Back by popular demand, Jett the Dog (a.k.a. @thebiglybestestdoggie) will star in Tuesday Tails ‘n’ Tweets, as he shares more hilariously quirky random thoughts about the challenges of…well…being a dog. So stay tuned, and have a great weekend!~

There's something in the air in Delaware, and it ain't good...

There’s something in the air in Delaware, and it ain’t good…

Very, Very Unfairy

So I ate that bag of bread.

And half a bag of treats, too.

But I was left by myself for days!

Days!!!

What?

It was only 10 minutes?

Seriously?

Huh.

Well, it felt like days.

What do you mean I’m not getting anything else for dinner now?

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, many people say.

But is it okay to poop on it instead?

Just asking.

You know, for a friend.

No other dog in the history of the world has ever been treated so very, very unfairly.

Believe me.

Even my enemies agree.

And I have many, many of those.

Trust me.

Especially after I’ve sniffed their poop and tried to eat their food.

But I’m telling you, I think these owners of mine have problems.

What am I going to do about it?

Oh, you’ll see. 

Yeah.

You’ll find out soon enough.

Luckily for you, I don’t speak my thoughts.

Unluckily for you, there’s Twitter.

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Treated very unfairly by low energy humans again. Sad!

Ha!

That’ll show them.

Ooooh, a ball!

Look at that bright, shiny ball!

What was I saying?

Oh, yeah.

@thebiglybestestdoggie: You’re fired! Overrated humans! You’re all very bad hombres!

Oh, except I do need someone to feed me dinner.

Pretty please?

Oh, come on.

Don’t make me beg.

I’m sorry.

Okay?

@thebiglybestestdoggie: I’m the most tremendously people loving dog you’ll ever meet! I love people! All of them! Believe me!

I’m just a doggie horribly, horribly wronged.

Nobody knew it would be so hard!

To have self-control 24/7!

And to run this dump!

Nobody!

Who would’ve guessed?

Hashtag unfair!

So what are you gonna do?

Build a cage?

Create a ban to keep me out of the kitchen?

Find some other way to make your household “great” again?

What about those other monsters running around the house like savages? 

Huh?

Will you threaten to cage them, too?

What’s the word for those things again?

Oh, right.

Kids.

Ooh!

Look at that beautiful treat!

It’s the most beautiful treat ever!

And I’m gonna shove it down my gluttonous throat!

@thebiglybestestdoggie: A+ for going in and taking what I want better than anyone in the history of the world!

What can I say?

I’m a real go-getter.

You know, a lot of people are saying I should also be able to crotch-sniff anyone I damn well please.

Even Rocket Man.

What’s that?

You think I’m being overly dramatic?

Listen, you son of a female dog!

(Oh wait, I think I just described myself.)

I challenge you to a duel!

On second thought, my paws are probably too small.

IQ test, anyone?

Yeah, how about that?

Moron!

I know words!

I know lots of words!

I know yuuuge ones!

Like sit and stay

But not no.

Definitely not no. 

Roll over?

What am I, some kind of animal?

Losers!

I’m tired of being treated so unfairly!

And so I’ll respond the only way I know how.

With fire and fury!

Ha ha ha!

Just kidding!

I’m a sweet, loving doggie!

But I think those mushrooms I just ate in the backyard might’ve been hallucinogenic.

I love you!

Now give me a hug!

Aww!

You’re the best!

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Woof, woof, woof. Doggie out!

~Happy Saturday, friends! Furry friends sure do make life more entertaining, don’t they? Have a fun-filled, happy weekend!~

Yes, I did help myself to a loaf of bread and a bunch of treats. But I'm really a good dog. I swear!

Yes, I did help myself to a loaf of bread and a bunch of treats. But I’m really a good dog. I swear!

Sticks, Stones, and Broken Bones

Oh, the things you can fix!

The things you can glue!

It’s totally true!

Oh, the things you can do!

Does it feel broken?

Are any crucial parts missing?

Any strange things jutting out at nauseating angles?

Well, fear not.

Doctor apprehension is completely normal.

But before you start dialing for an ambulance, ask yourself a few more questions:

Is it bleeding profusely?

Can it be glued back together?

Sewn up or stapled shut?

Do you think you might be able to walk it off ?

Sleep it off?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes or maybe…

Why not just stay home and take care of it yourself?

Think about it.

Going to the doctor can be costly.

Not to mention nerve-wracking.

But the good news is, there are many ways to fix whatever ails you…

Right from the comfort of your own home!

Or wherever the heck you happen to be when misfortune strikes.

But before you make your final decision, ask yourself this…

Do you really need that particular body part?

(Hey, it’s a valid question. We tend to treat things like tonsils and wisdom teeth as unnecessary space fillers.)

With just a few household staples, YOU can be your own DIY healthcare provider!

Did your kid shove a grape Jolly Rancher up his nose again?

Why not try to dislodge it with the industrial strength shop vac that’s collecting dust in the garage?

Got a cracked rib?

Got tape?  

There ya go.

Problem solved.

Raging bout of food poisoning?

Charcoal capsules can be highly effective…

But cramming the long handle of a telescopic duster down your throat ought to do the trick in bringing the offending substance back up even more quickly.

All-over body aches?

Get out the frying pan. It’s time for a riveting game of Whack-an-Appendage!

Cracked a tooth? Or a head?

While the actual treatment may vary slightly, both can be remedied with a glob or two of extra strength super glue.

Some afflictions have even simpler solutions.

Suffering from high blood pressure?

Avoid kids.

Got a massive headache?

Avoid kids.

Sprained an ankle tripping over a rogue bouncy ball?

Avoid kids.

(Notice a pattern here?)

Worried about wrecking your budget with astronomical medical expenses?

A few helpful ideas:

Next time you go to the dentist, have the hygienist X-ray not only your teeth, but your entire body from head to toe, in 85 different installments.

Or save yourself the time and hassle by asking for a copy of your body X-ray scan results the next time you go through airport security.

And why bother making a trip to the eye doctor when you’re already paying for a mandatory vision test at the Motor Vehicle Department?

There’s also no need for a chiropractor if you’re experiencing back pain when you’ve got a rough child who can helpfully assist you in rearranging your bones, free of charge.

And if you think you might require the services of a skilled psychologist, guess again.

Just grab the nearest notebook and indulge in the cathartic action of jotting down your deepest thoughts and emotions.

Or better yet, park yourself in front of the bathroom mirror and revel in the fun of holding up both sides of a sure to be fascinating conversation.

It’s all psychological anyway, right?

Mind over matter.

So if you’ve just smacked your head into a brick wall after tripping over the dog or knocked yourself senseless by falling down the stairs while attempting to balance a laundry basket with a toothbrush dangling out of your mouth, today just might be your lucky day!

Or not…

Unfortunately, not everything has a simple DIY remedy. 

And so for everything else, there’s alcohol.

A good shot of whiskey or vodka ought to do the trick.

So long, strains, sprains, and spewing bloody wounds!

Everything’s gonna be alright…

~Happy Saturday, my friends! Have a fabulous weekend, and remember, super glue is your new best friend!~

It may have roots in Greek Mythology, but the caduceus looks like a deadly contraption. Come on, a stick with a pair of intertwined snakes precariously draped around it as medical insignia? Totally not comforting.

It may have roots in Greek Mythology, but the caduceus looks like a deadly contraption. Come on, a stick with a pair of intertwined snakes precariously draped around it as medical insignia? Totally not comforting.