Bigly Bestest Treat Tantrum

@thebiglybestestdoggie: So you’re telling me I can’t have any more treats today because I already had two? What kind of nonsense is that? The doggie down the street told me he gets four treats a day! Four! I know where I’m sneaking off to later…

Gimme a break. Do I really look like I'm buying this nonsense?

Gimme a break. Do I really look like I’m buying this nonsense?

~Happy Tuesday, friends! Jett is still resisting his deliciously crunchy dry food, but he’d sure be happy to eat treats all day long!~

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Driving Mr. Mascot

Who knows?

I might be a better driver than you!

And I won’t get any tickets!

Unlike you…

And if YOU keep talking, you’re going to be riding in the trunk.

Eyes on the road!

The light is green!

Let’s move it!

My oldest son, the high school mascot boy, started Driver’s Ed this week.

I’ve never seen that child take such dedicated interest in learning anything.

Ever.

Granted, the monster was a natural on his dirt bike all those years ago.

And I always pictured him to be a decent driver.

When the time came.

Which, evidently, is right now.

After just one day of class, he was already an expert.

Monitoring my speed.

Correcting my hand position on the steering wheel.

Pointing out all the road signs that I’ll obviously fail to pay attention to.

Suddenly, I have new appreciation for the meaning of driving someone crazy.

Not only won’t I be getting tickets like you, I also have way better sense of direction!

Hey! You’re going over the speed limit again!

OMG! GET OUT!

Of course, I didn’t actually throw him out of the car.

But his future as a pedestrian was looking increasingly appealing.

We coasted along to the ultimate soundtrack to insanity:

Crazy Train.

Gangnam Style.

Hakuna Matata.

The thumping music rattled my brain and bones as the rearview mirror reverberated in concurrence.

Then flashing train lights derailed my thoughts.

Oh, shit!

Not again!

Those trains sometimes take forever to pass.

Or worse yet, they’ll come to a complete stop out of the blue, stranding lines of cars for hours.

So yeah, I was less than pleased.

And so was my son.

But not because of the train.

Apparently, that was the second inappropriate word I’d used in just a matter of minutes.

Figuring I was on a roll, he helpfully downloaded a Bleep app on my phone to censor my  inappropriate moments.

Fortunately, the train passed in a timely manner.

And we were on our way again.

I’m probably already a better driver than you’ll ever be!

I’m tempted to take both hands off the wheel and drive with my mouth.

Just clamp my teeth on the wheel, and see how well that works.

That’ll show him…

Show him what, I don’t exactly know.

At least render him speechless for a moment, perhaps?

But I really can’t afford to drive erratically like that.

Sure, it would set a rather poor example for my child.

And also, I’ve somehow already managed to get pulled over twice in three years in No Man’s Land.

Which amounts to more than I had ever been pulled over in all my years of driving.

Collectively.

There’s a line in my son’s driving handbook that cracked me up when I first read it:

Avoid turning your car into a deadly weapon!

Well, my boy nearly broke protocol the first time ever behind the wheel.

Yesterday, he officially got his Learner’s Permit after acing the written test.

And so on the way to Driver’s Ed this afternoon, my favorite mascot thought he’d surprise me by starting the car before I made my way out the door.

Oh, but that wasn’t all.

He proceeded to throw the car into reverse…

And then panicked as he realized he didn’t actually know how to stop the car.

He barreled out of the garage and down the driveway at Nascar speeds, as I ran after him like a crazed woman being chased by the devil himself.

STOP THE CAR!!!

STOP THE #@&%*# CAR!!!

The car jerked to an abrupt halt straight across the street, halfway up the neighbor’s driveway.

Thank God the neighbor wasn’t home.

That guy never misses a thing.

GET OUT!

YOU ARE DONE!!!

The brake is NOT just a decorative item!

Use it!

Before I drop dead of a heart attack in the middle of this road!

And to think, this is only the beginning.

Did I mention I’m two days into a 14 day detox?

So I can’t even calm my frazzled nerves with a drink.

Oh #@&%!!!

~Happy Friday, friends! Aren’t teenagers the best? Never a dull moment. Have a terrific weekend!~

At this rate, I'm gonna need to wear this thing around my neck like a cowbell.

At this rate, I’m gonna need to wear this thing around my neck like a cowbell.

Bigly Bestest Rosy Roses

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Why is it encouraged for humans to slow down and smell the roses, but frowned upon when a doggie stops to smell the poopie? Such a load of crap!

~Happy Tuesday, friends! Do you ever wonder what doggies think about all those crazy human-imposed double standards? Well, Jett is perfectly happy to let the world know exactly how he feels about that nonsense!~

Oh, the Things It Could Be!

Google is to a hypochondriac what meth is to a junkie.

Oh, come on.

You know the deal.

You’re suddenly afflicted with sharp stomach pains from hell…

So you turn to Dr. Google to shed some insight.

Inevitably, Google leads you to WebMD for totally reliable self-diagnostic help.

After scanning through symptoms and possible causes, you manage to convince yourself it’s not simply constipation or indigestion.

No.

It’s undoubtedly a raging bout of appendicitis that is about to do you in, right there in the middle of the Summer Fun section at Walmart.

Unless you make a beeline for the nearest hospital right this very minute.

All you know for certain is you’re obviously dying.

I swear, the symptoms for migraines and brain damage are identical.

Ok, well.

Maybe not exactly.

But seriously, have you ever noticed how so many different health issues all have the same set of symptoms?

Oh, the things it could be!

Got a headache?

It’s obviously an aneurysm, and that clock is just a tickin’.

Or it could be head trauma.

What’s that?

Don’t remember hitting your head in the first place?

Well, duh.

Wheezing and coughing?

Could be asthma.

Or a sinus infection.

Or congenital heart failure.

Fatigued?

Could be the flu.

Or Lyme disease.

Or just good ol’ PMS.

Hallucinations?

Could be schizophrenia.

Or epilepsy.

Or just poorly interacting medications.

Irritability?

Could be hypothermia.

Or a sleep disorder.

Or meningitis.

Nauseated?

Could be food poisoning.

Or a heart attack.

Or perhaps you’re pregnant.

(Congratulations!)

Forgetful?

Could be delirium.

Or dementia.

Or head trauma.

(Seriously, quit knocking your head around!)

Oh, the things it could be!

Lucky for me, I have a high pain tolerance.

Which is great, because I’m freakishly allergic to aspirin and Advil.

And apparently, most antibiotics don’t work for me, either.

Hell, I can’t even take Benadryl to counteract an allergic reaction because it knocks me out cold.

But I do take comfort in knowing I can just conk myself over the head with a frying pan to ease the pain and be good to go.

That’s all the so-called healthcare I need.

~Happy Friday, friends! Hope you have a happy and healthy weekend, free of any un-fun doctor or WebMD visits!~

This cute little bear has the right idea. Just stick a band-aid on and call it a day.

This cute little bear has the right idea. Just stick a band-aid on and call it a day.

(Oh, the Things It Could Be originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 8/5/16.)

Bigly Bestest Selfie Silliness

@thebiglybestestdoggie: It’s hot. I’m stuck inside. Guess there’s only one thing for me to do: take silly selfies!

Dang, I look gooood!

Dang, I look gooood!

~Happy Tuesday! Even doggies can’t resist goofy selfies from time to time!~

Dog Days of Summer Break

I’m boooorrred!!!

Go walk the dog.

But it’s too hot!!!

Fine. Read a book.

What is this, some kind of punishment?

Take a walk to the pool and go for a swim.

No. I don’t feel like getting wet.

Okay, then. Clean your room.

What?!? Why?

And that was only day three of summer break.

It’s hard to be a kid.

There’s never anything fun to do.

But somehow, all your friends are doing fun things.

Without you.

You know so.

Because it’s all right there on Snapchat.

And so the only plausible way to entertain yourself is to torment the dog.

I mean, teach the dog new tricks.

Like how to eat his doggie treat while pretending to be the civilized human being that he clearly is not.

At a table.

While sitting in a chair.

Because how could that be a bad idea?

Oh, right.

It’s gonna be a long summer…

Is this your idea of a good time? Seriously? Go back to school, you sadistic kids!

Is this your idea of a good time? Seriously? Go back to school, you sadistic kids!

~Happy Friday, friends! Isn’t summertime the best? Hope you all have a great weekend!~

Bigly Bestest Kibble Quabble

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Enough of this crunchy crap! Getting tired of rock hard kibble. If this continues, consider me effectively on a hunger strike. At least, until I find something better to eat. In the backyard, perhaps…

~Happy Tuesday, friends! Poor Jett has been struggling to mask his disappointment whenever he strolls over to his food bowl lately. Apparently, the filet mignon he secretly wishes for has yet to materialize.~

Much Ado About Lemons

Pop quiz!!!

Oh, relax.

There’s only one question, and no wrong answers.

It’ll be fun!

Here we go…

WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU LEMONS, YOU ARE MOST LIKELY TO:

a) Pull on your sweatpants, grab a few pints of Chunky Monkey, and indulge in a three day marathon of tear-jerkers, including John Q and The Pursuit of Happyness, then bawl for days over the myriad of injustices in life.

b) Find your inner peace after thoroughly exhausting yourself by going postal on random objects- the neighbor’s hideous Halloween scarecrow they have yet to take down, the coffee maker that just kicked the bucket, the freakishly large rat scurrying by…

c) Throw those lemons at someone deserving. A few helpful options:  that toxic frenemy you can’t seem to cut loose, a particularly infuriating coworker, or the out-of-control maniac in a semi who just cut you off on the freeway.

d) Use your pent-up aggression to squeeze every last drop of lemon juice out with your bare hands like a Viking masseuse and make a badass (and probably dangerously potent) lemon martini.

e) Other (please elaborate)

While these are all very logical (and highly acceptable) approaches, I’d personally go with option c.

After all, research clearly shows that actively doing something to alleviate troubles can be highly beneficial.

And how much more proactive can one get than hurling objects across the room?

So…which did you choose?

~Happy Friday, everyone! Hope you all have a lemon-free weekend… Unless, of course, you were planning on making a lemon martini!~

No Viking masseuses were available, so I made this one myself.

No Viking masseuses were available, so I had to make this one myself.

(Much Ado About Lemons originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 10/08/2015)

Bigly Bestest Scaredy Dog

@thebiglybestestdoggie: When lightning strikes and the thunder roars, there’s only one thing for this big, strong, protective doggie to do… Hide!!! (Momma, save me!)

~Happy Tuesday, everyone! People expect doggies to be tough, but sometimes all they  want to do is hide under a blanket and wait for the storm to pass… much like their human counterparts.~

Where the Sheep and Elk Roam

I want to pack my bags and move.

To Montana.

Big Sky Country.

Away from chaos.

Away from people.

Yeah, I know it isn’t quite the beach.

But beach towns tend to be kind of…

Well…

How can I put this delicately?

Peopley.

Yeah.

There are people.

And lots of them.

Like, everywhere.

I want to live under the big open sky.

I want to see the stars twinkling at night.

And I want a Lincoln Log house.

You know, those cool log cabin houses with green roofs.

Well, guess what?

They have real Lincoln Log houses in Montana!

Except those houses have actual walls!

And doors!

And indoor plumbing!

You know what else might be nice to have?

A horse.

That’s right.

Even though I said I never wanted to ride one of those suckers ever again in my life.

But open land calls for animals, and lots of them.

There’s just something calming about wild, untamed natural beauty.

Wide open space.

And animals freely roaming around in all that openness.

Just think:

I could become a rancher!

Yeah.

A cattle rancher.

Or better yet…

A cereal farmer!

Hey, I’m all for learning new things.

Did you know that elk, deer and antelope populations outnumber humans in Montana?

It’s true.

The average square mile of land contains 1.4 elk, 1.4 pronghorn antelope, and 3.3 deer.

And the density of the state is six people per square mile.

Holy moly!

More animals than people?

Surely that can’t be a bad thing.

No wonder it’s called the Treasure State.

Although Montana does have the largest grizzly bear population in the lower 48 states.

Yikes!

But no state has as many different species of mammals as Montana.

That’s pretty exciting stuff right there.

Speaking of exciting…

It’s always important to become familiar with the laws of the land before venturing into new territory.

Did you know that guiding sheep onto a railroad track with an intent to injure the train can get a person five years in prison in Montana?

Oh, and it’s also illegal to drive with a sheep in the cab of your truck…

Unless you have a chaperone.

Well, so much for that.

I was hoping to haul a shitload of sheep in the back of my truck.

By myself.

Because I’m a rebel like that.

Montana sure is protective of their sheep.

Oooh!

Maybe the sheep are the treasure of The Treasure State.

Say what you want.

There is something appealing about a whole lot of nothingness.

And sheep.

Sheep everywhere.

~Happy Friday, friends! Hope you have a terrific weekend!~

I want a Lincoln Log house just like this one... complete with the funky green cowboy to protect us from disgruntled elk.

I want a Lincoln Log house just like this one… complete with that funky green cowboy to protect us from all the elk I might inadvertently piss off.