Bigly Bestest Scaredy Dog

@thebiglybestestdoggie: When lightning strikes and the thunder roars, there’s only one thing for this big, strong, protective doggie to do… Hide!!! (Momma, save me!)

~Happy Tuesday, everyone! People expect doggies to be tough, but sometimes all they  want to do is hide under a blanket and wait for the storm to pass… much like their human counterparts.~

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Where the Sheep and Elk Roam

I want to pack my bags and move.

To Montana.

Big Sky Country.

Away from chaos.

Away from people.

Yeah, I know it isn’t quite the beach.

But beach towns tend to be kind of…

Well…

How can I put this delicately?

Peopley.

Yeah.

There are people.

And lots of them.

Like, everywhere.

I want to live under the big open sky.

I want to see the stars twinkling at night.

And I want a Lincoln Log house.

You know, those cool log cabin houses with green roofs.

Well, guess what?

They have real Lincoln Log houses in Montana!

Except those houses have actual walls!

And doors!

And indoor plumbing!

You know what else might be nice to have?

A horse.

That’s right.

Even though I said I never wanted to ride one of those suckers ever again in my life.

But open land calls for animals, and lots of them.

There’s just something calming about wild, untamed natural beauty.

Wide open space.

And animals freely roaming around in all that openness.

Just think:

I could become a rancher!

Yeah.

A cattle rancher.

Or better yet…

A cereal farmer!

Hey, I’m all for learning new things.

Did you know that elk, deer and antelope populations outnumber humans in Montana?

It’s true.

The average square mile of land contains 1.4 elk, 1.4 pronghorn antelope, and 3.3 deer.

And the density of the state is six people per square mile.

Holy moly!

More animals than people?

Surely that can’t be a bad thing.

No wonder it’s called the Treasure State.

Although Montana does have the largest grizzly bear population in the lower 48 states.

Yikes!

But no state has as many different species of mammals as Montana.

That’s pretty exciting stuff right there.

Speaking of exciting…

It’s always important to become familiar with the laws of the land before venturing into new territory.

Did you know that guiding sheep onto a railroad track with an intent to injure the train can get a person five years in prison in Montana?

Oh, and it’s also illegal to drive with a sheep in the cab of your truck…

Unless you have a chaperone.

Well, so much for that.

I was hoping to haul a shitload of sheep in the back of my truck.

By myself.

Because I’m a rebel like that.

Montana sure is protective of their sheep.

Oooh!

Maybe the sheep are the treasure of The Treasure State.

Say what you want.

There is something appealing about a whole lot of nothingness.

And sheep.

Sheep everywhere.

~Happy Friday, friends! Hope you have a terrific weekend!~

I want a Lincoln Log house just like this one... complete with the funky green cowboy to protect us from disgruntled elk.

I want a Lincoln Log house just like this one… complete with that funky green cowboy to protect us from all the elk I might inadvertently piss off.

Bigly Bestest Better Than Momma?

@thebiglybestestdoggie: So I’m The Bigly Bestest, but my Momma is just The Okayest? I don’t think so! She feeds me and walks me and takes care of me, so I think she’s better than just Okayest. Unless she forgets to feed me. Then yeah, she’ll definitely be downgraded to Okayest.

~Happy Tuesday, friends! Need proof that doggies are nicer than kids?  I think my shirt speaks for itself!~

Mother’s Day Melee

I’m not gonna lie.

I’m not really feeling the love.

My darling boys almost forgot that Mother’s Day is tomorrow.

Until I reminded them yesterday.

But alas, motherhood is a thankless job.

Fortunately, it’s not without its humorous moments.

So why don’t we take a moment to celebrate the awesomeness of moms?

Because, let’s face it, moms are awesome.

(Yeah. A crazy, multitasking masochist sounds about right.)

(Does going out of my mind count as a vacation?)

(Hellooo!?! Do you think I enjoy talking to myself? I’ll have you know that I do not, in fact, enjoy talking to myself. Are you even listening?!?)

(Because, evidently, nobody else besides mom can see the invisible, overflowing basket of laundry that keeps mysteriously multiplying.)

(Oops, too late. I guess 364 days was too long for my sanity to stick around.)

(Move over, Iron Man! You probably know me as my alter ego, Wonder Woman. Yeah. Take that!)

(Wearing the cape is typically too much of a hassle. And it blows our cover. We’re supposed to be human, after all.)

(Dogs love unconditionally and never back talk. And they’re always so grateful. Unlike some people I know…)

(Oh crap. Who let the cat out of the bag? Was it those darned kids? They’re lying to you! I swear!)

(Mom? Mom who? Okay, so sometimes moms find ourselves in situations where we’re forced to pretend we’ve never seen those angelic creatures before in our lives. It happens.)

(Amen to that! Now where’s my margarita?)

(Quite possibly the most heartfelt way to thank your mom for all that she has ever done for you.)

~Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there! Hope you get to enjoy a nice margarita and a day off from laundry and all that other domestic nonsense.~

Bigly Bestest Super Doggie

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Look! Over there on the, uh… floor! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s… Super Doggie! Oh yeah. Check out my cool new cape! Does this mean I can fly now?

~Happy Tuesday, friends! While the cape might look magical, it seems all the magic is in the doggie himself. Abracadabra!~

The Force of May Fourth

Happy May 4th!

It’s also Cinco de Mayo Eve…

If such a thing actually exists.

Would that make today Cuatro de Mayo?

Is that a thing?

Well, it is now.

At any rate, Star Wars fans…

Today is your day!

Presenting some of the funniest Star Wars quotes of all time!

(C-3PO has such a classy and charismatic way with words, I can’t help but respect his penchant for comic relief.)

(It’s true; Yoda looks better than most people 1/10th of his age!)

(Would the iconic Nike slogan have the same impact if it boasted, “Just try it”? Case in point.)

(Even I’m disturbed by the myriad of things that Darth Vader finds disturbing. He’s got the proverbial stick up his butt. I mean, would it really kill him to smile occasionally?)

(A fool is a fool is a fool… but my guess it’s more foolish to follow a fool.)

(If only more people would heed this wisdom and think before opening their massive pie-holes, the world would be a better place.)

(Does this apply strictly to droids, or can this approach be used with humans also? Just curious…)

(Size matters not, as Yoda once said. I’m inclined to agree.)

(Naturally, the best remedy for this is to find some type of distraction to drown out the screams of your inner voice of reason and just go with the flow.)

(Ha! Yoda obviously hadn’t met my boys, with their twisted and sadistic senses of humor.)

(A fresh new threat to employ when the kids get too rowdy in the car!)

(Burn! Hmm. Perhaps “burn” isn’t the right word, seeing as how a planet far from the sun probably wouldn’t be hot enough to burn, in any sense of the word. But yelling “freeze!” simply doesn’t have the same impact.)

(I may occasionally misplace my keys, but I can proudly say I’ve never once misplaced a planet.)

(Rogue One, we have a problem! Sure, having no horizon on the horizon is indeed problematic. But killing off the delightfully witty K-2SO? Oh, that was low.)

(I, too, have my moments. I’m not sure what that says about my other non-momentous moments, though..)

Nearly half of these clever gems are from Yoda.

I guess it’s no surprise.

He’s wise and witty.

He and I seem to have quite a bit in common.

Except that I’m not green.

Or half as wise.

Or 900 years old.

Regardless of the fact that my kids might try to tell you otherwise.

~Happy Friday, friends! May the fourth, er, force be with you!~

Bigly Bestest Ball Amour

@thebiglybestestdoggie: I will carry you here and there. I will carry you everywhere! I do so love you, my darling blue ball. And I don’t care if anyone thinks it’s ridiculous! I will never let you out of my sight again. Never ever ever!

~Happy Tuesday, friends! Poor Jett dropped his favorite blue ball in a questionable pile of …well, something, so we had to toss it in the trash. He moped around until we replaced it with an identical blue ball… which he now refuses to let out of his sight. It’s a classic case of puppy love!~

Taxation Without Education

Where, exactly, are my tax dollars going?

I posed this question to my older son during a game of Trivia Crack after he answered yet another question incorrectly.

His response?

Umm…up your butt?

Hmm.

That’s kinda what I was afraid of.

Incidentally, I just received our 2018 property tax statement.

Let’s just say it ain’t pretty.

Which is precisely why a friendly lunch note reminder seems to be in order:

If nothing more, it’s a helpful lesson in alliteration.

In my son’s defense, though:

I hadn’t learned that yet… I don’t think.

Sigh.

After answering 11 consecutive trivia questions correctly myself, he offered a bit of praise:

You’re not as dumb as I thought!

Thanks.

I think.

Guess you won’t be seeing either of us on Jeopardy anytime soon…

~Happy Friday, friends! No person in history has probably ever been overjoyed about paying taxes. But on that note… Where education is concerned, investing in the future is undoubtedly a worthwhile investment. Have a fantastic weekend!~

Bigly Bestest Party Pup

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Why am I wearing this goofy hat, and what are we celebrating? Is it my birthday already? Or Cousin Chloe’s birthday? No? Hmm. Well, whatever it is, I hope it involves treats! 

(Psst! I think it might be Momma’s birthday!)

~Happy Tuesday, friends! It’s always fun to take a moment to celebrate the little pleasures in life!~

The Chaos of Crafting

Making memories?

Priceless.

Creating memorabilia from memorable moments?

Pricey.

And time-consuming.

But fun.

And also kind of stressful, come to think of it.

Remember my recent adventure in ocean snatching?

Well, guess what?

I finally did something productive with all those seashells, ocean water, and sand.

My masterpieces are finally done!

What can I say?

My creative streaks ebb and flow.

(Just like the tides of an ocean!)

It took me a few weeks to envision exactly what I wanted to create with all my awesome ocean loot.

All I knew was that I wanted to recreate a beach scene.

But how, exactly?

I’ve got my very own tropical island oasis right here at home, with a beachy island-themed office room that I’d designed myself.

Complete with an inflatable palm tree.

Yet, figuring out the best way to recreate the ocean at home with real ocean parts is no small feat.

Don’t get me wrong.

I love crafting.

I love making memories.

And I especially love the beach.

It’s a dangerous combination.

Forget all the money spent on the vacation itself…

If you truly want to preserve your memories, you’d best be prepared to shell out even more money with a trip to Hobby Lobby.

But first, let’s talk about glue.

One year, my brother gave my boys a cool sock puppet kit for Christmas.

But there was an awful lot of sewing involved to assemble and accessorize those puppets, and I am not a big fan of sewing.

Why sew when super glue is so much faster?

As glue oozed like a spewing volcano out of the tube, I discovered the sock puppet had become glued shut.

With my hand still inside.

Glue and I clearly have a complicated history.

And so there were all these little factors I had to take into account for my ocean project.

Like how to glue sand and seashells without having shells permanently attached to my fingertips.

And how to ensure ample air ventilation to avoid passing out from toxic glue fumes.

At any rate…

On a burst of creative energy, I was finally ready to turn my collection of goodies from the ocean into a work of art.

Or four.

One combining most of my prized loot into a display:

(A shadow box with a layer of beach sand as the backdrop for my Atlantic seashells, along with a little heart-shaped jar for the ocean water.)

Another for a more sensory-filled experience:

(My little sandy beach jar, with some of the smaller seashells. If sand beneath my feet isn’t an option, then I’ll settle for sand in my hands. Ooh, that rhymes!)

A stress-relief meditation jar:

(No, the glitter and pink water are not from ocean. And it’s also not technically a “jar”. But the seashells on top are indeed from the beach. Besides, it’s something to shake and throttle. What’s not to love?)

And another heart-shaped vial of ocean water:

(Because it seemed wrong to dump the leftover Atlantic Ocean water after all the trouble we went through to collect it. And drinking it just didn’t seem like a very good idea.)

Trying to capture the magnificence of a real beach is damn near impossible.

But if you’re going to steal from the beach, you might as well do something awesome with your loot, right?

Oh, and as for all the glue I used for my projects?

No matter how many times I scrubbed my hands afterward, they were still stickier than a pot of Winnie the Pooh’s honey.

I had to wear cotton socks to bed that night.

On my hands.

Because I was terrified I’d wake up glued to the sheets.

Or somehow stuck to the wall.

Or worse, with my hands permanently attached to my face, like that kid from Home Alone.

Whenever I use glue, I truly seem to have the whole world in my hands.

In the most literal sense possible.

Anyway…

I finally have something to show for my moment of blissful ocean kleptomania!

And yet, I still have 493 pictures from my trip to sort through, organize, and arrange into a scrapbook.

So much for the stress relief of crafting.

Where’s that !&#$ meditation jar when I need it?

~Happy Saturday, friends! Have a great weekend!~