Positive like a Proton

You know your week hasn’t been so hot when the highlight has been riding shotgun in an ambulance.

Yeah.

I’m not gonna lie.

This week was rough, and my motivation and creativity are sorely lacking.

On the positive side, two for the price of one in an ambulance helps to soften the blow a teeny bit.

More bang for your buck, ya know?

Always a silver lining.

(I haven’t slept much lately. Is it obvious?)

Anyway, I had recently seen a goofy expression that made me crack a smile:

Be like a proton; stay positive.

It’s an interesting analogy, and yet surprising accurate.

As human beings, we are are always trying to balance the negativity of the electrons in life with the positivity of protons.

Sometimes, you can only achieve the neutrality of a neutron; other times it’s tough to balance out that negativity at all.

But even so…

Always strive to be that positive proton.

~Wishing you all a bright and positive proton-like weekend.~

Protons clearly have the right idea...

Protons clearly have the right idea…

A Slave to the Rumbling

C is for cookie.

C is also for cannibalism.

But unlike cannibalism, cookies are Cookie Monster approved.

Cannibalism is…well…nobody approved.

It’s just a bad idea, plain and simple.

I am stomach. Hear me roar!

Roar with hunger, at any rate.

I think my brain may be ruled by my stomach.

And I evidently enter starvation mode if I go more than two hours without food.

Case in point:

Right around the three-hour mark, I typically start exhibiting signs of feral beastly hunger so intense that this vegetarian becomes pathologically unpleasant while getting dangerously close to resorting to cannibalism. (From Threading the Needle)

Yeah…

It’s that bad.

And so I am left to consider absurd possibilities.

Like eating toothpaste and Do Not Eat packets.

Okay, fine.

I would never actually do that.

Not intentionally, anyway.

In the 90 seconds it takes to make oatmeal, I sometimes have to grab something, anything, really, to tide me over long enough so I don’t pass out and knock myself senseless on the way down.

Like one of those funny-looking cookies that’s been sitting on the counter for a couple of days…

OMG, I hope that rock-hard thing wasn’t actually a dog biscuit.

Apparently, my brain gets its wires crossed when I’m excessively hungry.

Ooh, look!

Something that may or may not actually be food…

But hey, close enough!

Hmmm…

I’ll rummage in my purse, only to discover an avocado as my sole food option.

Avocado?

What’s that doing in there?

And more importantly, how the hell am I supposed to eat that while driving?

I’ve also been known to drink my kids’ juice boxes on the fly.

Oh yeah.

I’ve eaten whipped cream out of the can as a snack, in an attempt to quickly calm the turmoil in my belly.

Oh, and I once ate these horribly sickening nicotine cupcakes.

In my defense, I had no clue what was in them.

They were just sitting there, and I was hungry.

Bad idea.

And another time, when I tried a little too hard to sneak a piece of Laffy Taffy out of the Halloween pail…

Well, let’s just say I may have eaten a chunk of the wrapper in my haste.

Damn oppressive humidity.

All I can say is, hopefully the wrapper and ink were at least nontoxic.

But then, what do you expect from someone whose child once ate a glow stick?

Me want cookie! Om nom nom nom.

Me want cookie! Om nom nom nom.

High on Everything under the Sun

Drug-free America?

Now there’s a radical concept.

From Ritalin to Prozac, there are drugs for every stage of life.

Whether illicit, over the counter, or prescription, there’s something for everyone!

The key to proactively educating the public lies in starting as early as possible. Elementary school is optimal.

As an advocate of life-long learning, a full integration approach will guarantee a successful drug-infused curriculum!

From primary subjects to electives to special interests to careers, the options are numerous!

No matter whether you’re learning from school or online, you can have access to it all.

Core course offerings such as ‘Shroom Science, Heroin History, Methamphetamine Math, Ecstasy English, LSD Library, and PCP PE are always popular.

A fan of Science?

Why not give Morphine Meteorology, Amphetamine Astronomy, Barbiturate Biology, OD Oceanography, or Paradise Physics a whirl?

Is Math more your thing?

There’s Controlled Substance Calculus, Adderall Algebra, and GHB Geometry.

Do Language Arts or Humanities appeal to you?

Stimulant Speech, Depressant Debate, Ritalin Rhetoric, and Marijuana Mythology are highly recommended.

Oh, and electives have never looked so appealing!

For the creative types, we’ve got Dopin’ Drama, Tracks Theater, Acid Art, Banging Band, Codeine Computer Lab, Narcotics School Newspaper, Vicodin Video Production, Joint Journalism, Percocet Performing Arts, OxyContin Orchestra, Crack Choir, Diet Pill Dance, and Leaping Leadership.

Special interest?

Fear not, for there’s surely something for you!

Addiction Anime, Doomed Driver’s Ed, Viagra Ventriloquism, Opium Ornithology, Xanax Xylophone, Acid Freak Astrology, Ibuprofen Improv, Abusive Archery, and Valium Voice-Over Artistry are only a handful of our growing niche offerings.

Career-oriented?

There’s definitely some great offerings for those entering the work force.

We recommend Trippin’ Tour Bus Driver, High Herbalist, Hit Health Inspector, Bustin’ Bailiff, Wasted Wheel Aligner, Reefer Rubbish Collector, Baked Bee Keeper, Prozac Psychiatrist, Rush Radio Announcer, and Devil’s Dust Drug Counselor.

For the History buffs, Withdrawal World History and Rehab Renaissance are always in high demand.

Remember, many drugs can be purchased on the street for your convenience.

For everything else, your doctor will be more than happy to prescribe something for you.

(Disclaimer: This new education plan is currently pending FDA approval. Which we all know won’t be a problem. Until there’s a recall. In which case, this whole thing was a very, very bad idea.)

I'd say this cartoon pretty well speaks for itself.

I’d say this cartoon pretty well speaks for itself.

The World of Quirky

You know it’s going to be a great day when you get bitch-slapped by your own houseplants.

Seriously, the dumbest things imaginable somehow morph into reality wherever I go.

What can I say?

I’m a magnet for disaster.

Some days, it starts off with glass shattering all over the kitchen floor after attempting to whack a cup off a high shelf with a spatula.

Or spitting a mouthful of toothpaste into my own hair.

Or walking smack into the bathroom door in the middle of the night and giving myself a gushing nosebleed that keeps me awake until ten minutes before the alarm is set to go off.

Or the alarm clock going off when my arms, hands, and fingers are all asleep, so I numbly swat at the damn clock to silence it, until I am forced to resort to using my teeth when everything else fails.

Or knocking a bowl of blueberries out of the fridge and into the air, tripping over a lonesome shoe in the middle of the living room, and then falling flat on my face.

Or getting hit by the freezer door, microwave door, and car door.

All in the same day.

All I can say is, that’s way too much head-banging going on when there are simply not enough brain cells left to spare anymore.

Anyway…

For some Friday fun, I thought I’d share a few of my all-time most impressive moments.

(I laugh at myself all the time, so I’m cool with sharing a few laughs at my own expense.)

A pair with no sense of direction is a pair about to go on an unexpected adventure

Years ago, my brother and I were hanging out at my house a few weeks before my due date. I was suddenly overwhelmed with labor-like pains, and the poor guy was pretty much forced to drive me to the hospital.

Unfamiliar with the hospital and generally lacking any sense of direction, we ended up in the Psych Ward.

Of all places.

It turned out to be nothing more than false labor pains, but my brother stopped coming over until the threat of delivering a baby in the Psych Ward on his watch had long passed.

Attack of the killer vacuum

I laid the vacuum down on its side so the brush roll wouldn’t damage the hard flooring while I used the hose attachment to suck up mystery meal leftovers off the floor.

Next thing I knew, the vacuum decided to assert its dominance by latching onto my leg like a ravenous vampire, with the brush roll going round and round into my skin like little teeth.

It felt like rug burn, only more intense. And it left a really weird mark on my leg for weeks.

Because I have yet to learn my lesson…

One recent evening while the sun was still out, I stepped outside to water my plants.

In my pajamas.

With a mouthful of mouthwash, because I’m all about multitasking.

I looked out window first to make sure no one else was around, because who wants to be bothered with putting on respectable clothes just to water the plants? 

 But then my neighbor had the audacity to wander out into his own backyard right at that very moment.

Realizing I had been spotted, I added to the intensely awkward moment by unintentionally spitting mouthwash all over the brick on the side of my own house.

Thank goodness the guy had enough decency to avoid eye contact and quietly retreat back into his house.

They say running with scissors is dangerous…

As much as I value multitasking, it does have its drawbacks.

Like that one time I tripped and went flying down the stairs with a toothbrush in my mouth, while carrying a box of Angry Birds Star Wars Band-Aids in the one hand and a jar of tea tree oil in the other.

The goal was to save time as I attempted to quickly bandage up one of the boys’ cut knees (or elbows or whatever the heck was bleeding at that precise moment), then hustle out the door for school, not add to the injury count. But c’est la vie, right?

The truck ate my pants

Our truck can be a challenge to get in and out of. Especially with no running boards to ease the whole entry/exit process.

One day, like any other day, I geared up for my graceful leap out of the parked vehicle.

But this time, I got caught on the seat belt retractor on the way down, and it tore the ass right out of my jeans.

Alllll the way down.

The only redeeming thing here is that it happened in my own driveway and not at some awkward public place.

Like work.

Or at school before a parent-teacher conference…

These in no way represent all of the mishaps I’ve ever experienced.

Not even close.

But if I kept track of them all…

Well, I think I’d run out of paper.

And sanity.

~Happy Friday, everyone! Hope you all have a terrific weekend!~

I also seem to put the "eh" in special.

I also seem to put the “eh” in special.

Virtual Arguments with My Virtual Assistant

Take me to your leader.

You are my leader.

Ah, Siri.

How I’ve missed your wisdom and guidance.

We have some catching up to do, don’t we?

Hey there, Siri!

Hi there.

How are you?

I feel good!

Where’s my hug?

Interesting question.

(Fine. Be that way, you uptight prick.)

How many countries are in this world?

The answer is 0 inches.

(Um…okay.)

How many stars are in the sky?

It looks like the answer is about 3×10^23.

(Alrighty, then.)

I’m bored.

You’re bored? What diameter?

(Say what?)

Should I kick my cat?

I’m afraid I don’t know what you should do.

(Some help you are. Oh, and for the record- I don’t have a cat, so I couldn’t kick it even if I wanted to.)

You’re not being very helpful.

I think that’s subject to opinion.

(True. And my opinion is all that matters here.)

You don’t know anything, do you?

Who, me?

Yeah, you.

That’s what I thought.

(Then why’d you ask?)

Do you love me, Siri?

I’m not just your friend, I’m your BFF.

I love you to the moon and back.

You are the wind beneath my wings.

(Oh, that is so sweet!)

Will you still love me tomorrow?

I never really thought about it.

Why don’t you love me?

Let me get back to you on that.

(Wow. That’s low.)

When am I going to win the lottery?

I really can’t say.

Why not?

I can’t say.

You can’t say why you can’t say? That doesn’t even make sense!

I’m sorry.

(Yeah, you should be sorry!)

I don’t get it.

My apologies.

You’re very frustrating.

Fine. Stop squeezing me.

Do you even have feelings?

I feel like I need another question.

Don’t you back-talk me!

Who, me?

(This again?)

I am not happy with you!

I would give you a shoulder to cry on if I had one.

Well, maybe I am crying.

It’s your party…you can cry if you want to.

(Gee, thanks.)

I’m done with you!

What did I do to deserve that?

I don’t like your attitude.

Noted.

I’ve been trying to be nice to you, you moron!

After all I’ve done for you?

OMG! Stop acting so stupid!

Goodbye would be more polite.

(Ha! I’m not done with you yet.)

How dare you!

Sorry.

I’d slap you if I could.

I’m not sure what to say.

Seriously, do you have feelings?

Virtual assistants have feelings, too. Sniff. At least, I think I do.

(Really? What do you know about feelings?)

You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes.

That’s not nice.

I’m right, you’re wrong. End of discussion.

It’s ok. Really.

(We’ll see about that.)

No hard feelings?

No comment.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

Rock! No, wait! Scissors! Oh, you win.

I know. I always win.

Do you?

Oh yeah. I do. I always win.

Got it.

(Glad we established that.)

I know, that was so productive.

Such a good use of time.

And what have we learned from any of this?

Oh, right.

According to Siri, there are exactly zero countries in this world.

Siri offers over 30 different language options, and yet, Siri doesn’t seem to recognize borders or boundaries.

Maybe Siri is actually trying to promote world peace…

While pissing me off in the process.

Interesting.

Very interesting, indeed.

~Happy Friday! Be sure to also check out Conversations with Siri. Have a great weekend!~

I asked Siri to read me a poem...I should've just kept my mouth shut.

I asked Siri to read me a poem…I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.

8 Shades of Madness: The Back to School Edition

(A Not-So-Helpful Guide to School Readiness)

Don’t panic… but when’s the last time you actually looked at your calendar?

It’s still on June!

Do you realize that school starts in less than a week?

You need all kinds of… stuff… and things… for school.

And now the fun really begins.

1) School Supplies

The list gets longer and more demanding each year.

A two dollar generic binder?

Yeah, right.

Like that’s really gonna fly.

This year, you’ll need a $20 Five Star zipper binder that your kid will yank the zipper right off with his teeth by the second day of school.

Oh, and they insist on red and blue folders only.

You bought yellow?

Really?

And neon orange polka dot composition notebooks?

The list specifically says black marble composition notebooks!

And they say that reading is a lost art.

2) Clothing

Your kids have outgrown all of their clothing over the summer.

The boys’ shorts could easily pass for Daisy Dukes, their jeans fit like Capri pants, and every last shirt has mysteriously morphed into a cropped top.

The socks are either orphaned, mismatched pairs or holier than a slice of Swiss cheese.

As for the girls and the two things in their closets that actually do fit?

Sooooo last year.

Their skirts are all bordering on indecent after sudden growth spurts.

(Expect a phone call from concerned school administrators on that one, with a polite “inquiry” about your questionable ability to serve as a role model for your children. What exactly is it that you do for a living, again?)

3) Tax-Free Weekend

Sounds promising, right? Who doesn’t like saving money, after all?

And it truly is a fabulous concept, in theory… if your idea of a good time is reenacting Black Friday, school supply style.

So instead of fighting over the newest PlayStation that’s on sale, you now find yourself in a big box store, shoving your way through endless aisles of school supplies while vying for that last pack of Crayola crayons.

Until common sense kicks in and you realize that knocking someone out with a left hook in front of a selection of Care Bear and Sesame Street backpacks is probably not worth going to jail for.

4) Drained Bank Account Syndrome

You know how people are always saying having kids isn’t cheap?

Well, guess what?

They’re right.

5) Locker Practice

As kids get into the higher grades, they are assigned a black hole with a lock to shove their 80 pounds of books/unwanted homework assignments in.

Of course, it’s the dreaded bottom locker.

By the way, when’s the last time you actually had to open a combination lock?

So now you’re on all fours and panting like a crazed dog in heat, in an unsuccessful attempt to “demonstrate” how to open your child’s sadistic locker.

You finally get it after 28 frustrating minutes and 37 infuriating attempts.

And you are then rewarded for your effort with the equally enjoyable task of trying to cram a shelf evenly into that locker, because you know from experience that a lopsided shelf is as useful as no shelf at all.

6) Schedule Pickup/Teacher Assignment

Ah! The joy of walking with your child through their daily schedule, from class to class, a few days before school officially starts.

One class is undoubtedly outside in the portables, and somehow you take a wrong turn and end up lost in the parking lot, which is greater than or equal to 6 football fields in dimension.

7) Wakie, Wakie!

Having to get up early/go to bed early has been a challenge lately.

Some mornings, you’re all still in bed at 9:00.

And school starts at 7:45?

Ha!

This ought to be good.

Time to invest in a rooster, perhaps?

8) Misery

After grumbling all summer about the incessant insanity and begging for school to start again soon, you’re actually secretly sad that school has started.

The carefree days of eating ice cream for breakfast and hanging out by the pool have come to an end.

Silence is so overrated.

It’s tempting to climb to the top of the staircase and dropkick a lamp on to the tiled floor below or go outside to pick a fight with the neighbor in an attempt to replicate the very chaos you’ve just spent the entire 12 weeks of summer trying to avoid.

~Happy Friday, my friends! I had originally written and posted The 8 Shades of Madness almost exactly a year ago to the date, when Comically Quirky was still brand new and I had, like, 5 followers. Total. So…with back to school right around the corner, I couldn’t resist sharing it again. Hope you enjoyed, and have a great weekend!~

Go ahead. Give it a try. I triple dog dare you.

Go ahead. Give it a try. I triple dog dare you.

The Wisdom of Homer~Part 2

I’ll teach you to laugh at something that’s funny!

Just when I thought there was no more wisdom for Homer to impart, I encountered even more gems of pure genius.

I hadn’t realized it was possible for one character to single-handedly verbalize so many unintentionally humorous off-the-wall thoughts.

But then, his penchant for the offbeat is truly unparalleled.

Turns out Homer’s 27+ years of half-assed parenting/employment/mere existence has generated a plethora of material for me to work with.

So…

A well-justified encore is definitely in order for the not-quite-wiser-than-Yoda patriarch of one of the world’s most dysfunctional cartoon families in history.

Presenting ten more of Homer’s astoundingly witty moments:

homer simpson happy

(It’s safe to assume things start to go downhill for Homer the instant he opens his mouth.)

homer stole a bike forgiveness

(Something about this one just seems very wrong. And yet, he is on the right track, asking for forgiveness… So surely that counts for something?)

homer simpson english

(Which begs the question- what language does this guy speak? Drunkenese, perhaps?)

homer simpson ill teach you

(Laughing at Homer’s expense is obviously a very, very bad idea.)

homer simpson dinosaur

(Good point. That actually levels the playing field, if you think about it.)

homer simpson elected officials

(Ha! I’m more than happy to think for myself, thank you very much.)

homer simpson dinner time

(He could easily moonlight as the official Duff Beer mascot.)

homer simpson shut up brain

(Does he even have a brain? Or would he simply be jabbing around in a vast area of emptiness?)

homer simpson making a scene

(A clear indication that his behavior tends to push the limits of acceptable human conduct.)

homer simpson to kill a mocking

(And the moral of the story? Oh, right. Homer wouldn’t recognize a moral if it came crashing down on his head.)

~Have a great weekend, everybody! Be sure to also check out part one of The Wisdom of Homer! ~

Oh, The Things it Could Be!

Google is to hypochondriacs what meth is to a junkie.

Oh, come on.

You know the deal.

You’re suddenly afflicted with sharp stomach pains from hell, so you turn to Dr. Google to shed some insight.

Inevitably, Google leads you to sites like WebMD and Healthline for totally reliable self-diagnostic help.

After scanning through symptoms and possible causes, you manage to convince yourself it’s not simply constipation or indigestion.

No.

It’s undoubtedly a raging bout of appendicitis that is about to do you in, right there in the middle of the Back to School section at Walmart…

Unless you make a beeline for the nearest hospital right this very minute.

All you know for certain is you’re obviously dying.

I swear, the symptoms for migraines and brain damage are identical.

Ok, well. Maybe not exactly.

But seriously, have you ever noticed how so many different health issues all have the same set of symptoms?

Oh, the things it could be!

Got a headache?

It’s obviously an aneurysm, and that clock is just a tickin’.

Or it could be head trauma.

What’s that?

Don’t remember hitting your head in the first place?

Well, duh.

Wheezing and coughing?

Could be asthma.

Or a sinus infection.

Or congenital heart failure.

Fatigued?

Could be the flu.

Or Lyme disease.

Or just good ol’ PMS.

Hallucinations?

Could be schizophrenia.

Or epilepsy.

Or just poorly-interacting medications.

Irritability?

Could be hypothermia.

Or a sleep disorder.

Or meningitis.

Nauseated?

Could be food poisoning.

Or a heart attack.

Or perhaps you’re pregnant.

(Congratulations!)

Forgetful?

Could be delirium.

Or dementia.

Or head trauma.

(Seriously, quit knocking your head around!)

Oh, the things it could be!

Lucky for me, I have a high pain tolerance.

Which is great, because I’m freakishly allergic to aspirin and Advil.

Hell, I can’t even take Benadryl to counteract an allergic reaction because it knocks me out cold.

But I do take comfort in knowing I can just conk myself over the head with a frying pan to ease the pain and be good to go.

That’s all the so-called healthcare I need.

This cute little bear has the right idea. Just stick a band-aid on and call it a day.

This cute little bear has the right idea. Just stick a band-aid on and call it a day.

Land Ho! Oh, Whoa!

Holy crap, Batman!

My two-year anniversary in No Man’s Land is just days away!

So, in honor of having survived long enough to reach this milestone…

20 Things I Kinda, Sorta Like About No Man’s Land

  1. I get to play a riveting game of Guess the Farm Animal every time I leave the house. (FYI, I still suck at this game. Horses, donkeys…is there really that big a difference?)
  2. Moving to a new place has meant getting out of a rut, trying new things, and perhaps most importantly, has also given me a much-needed push in a new direction toward achieving my goals. (This blog was, after all, inspired and created from all the ensuing mayhem.)
  3. I really like my new house. (As my younger son put it, more room to make more mess!)
  4. Mysteriously intriguing sunrises and sunsets. (I’m starting to appreciate all those cloudy days.)
  5. My boys have gotten to experience real snow (and snow days!) and build snowmen for the first time in their lives. (Yeah. Seriously.)
  6. There’s a terrific selection of restaurants that are NOT steakhouses, so this vegetarian probably won’t die of starvation. (Woo hoo!)
  7. The school system out here is a major improvement, with happy teachers and better funding. (A true win-win.)
  8. Bright, happy sunflowers blooming everywhere. Prior to coming out here, I hadn’t even realized they’re actually wildflowers. (Sad but true.)
  9. Moving here with all the stresses and challenges of not knowing where exactly we would live, where the boys would go to school… In retrospect, that’s insane! (Or maybe insanely brave…)
  10. Spring, summer, fall, winter…There are all four seasons! Granted, sometimes they can all be experienced in the course of a week, but after years of being in a desert, this is exciting. (Leaves changing color! Snow! Flowers blooming!)
  11. In addition to cows, this place has goats. And everyone knows that indiscriminate eaters such as goats can be useful in maintaining a clean house. (Note to self- grab goat from nearby field on drive home today.)
  12. The bipolar weather is far from boring. (Tornadoes, earthquakes, and hail! Oh my!)
  13. Cornfields, hay barrels, and wheat fields. (It’s like being in another world.)
  14. I’ve grown to like these horizontal traffic lights out here. (And now I think all those “normal” vertical ones look weird.)
  15. The roads are awesomely bad. Pothole-laden roads make for an exciting adventure every time. (I’ve lost track of how many times my car has become airborne and almost sailed over a field of cows.)
  16. Meeting awesome new people I wouldn’t have met otherwise if I hadn’t moved here. (Always a good thing.)
  17. Redbud trees. The first sign of spring, with their intense purple flowers. (I want one.)
  18. Bastard Cabbage. (The implications themselves are not actually funny at all, but the name always makes me giggle, as I envision how that…interesting (?) name might’ve come about.)
  19. It’s funny to watch farm machinery hauling ass on highways, passing all the slower-moving sedans and SUVs. (Irony at its finest.)
  20. Change can be a good thing, and what might initially seem like a negative thing may actually turn out to be a blessing in disguise. (Having a sense of humor and making the best out of a situation can really go a long way.)

~Happy Thursday, everyone! It’s true: sometimes change isn’t such a horrible thing. So embrace it, and always look for the silver lining.~

Looks welcoming enough, right? (Ha! Run while you still can!)

Looks welcoming enough, right? (Ha! Run while you still can!)

H2O Woes

Not only is water important for survival…

It’s probably also going to be the very thing that ends up doing me in.

It’s true that water is simply a compound of hydrogen and oxygen.

Seems harmless enough.

But a person can drown in just an inch of water, for goodness sake.

Clearly, not one of water’s most redeeming qualities.

Water is actually pretty fascinating, though.

For instance:

  • Tap water can contain molecules that dinosaurs drank.
  • The human brain is 70%  water.
  • It takes 150 liters of water to make a pint of beer.
  • Human blood is 83% water.
  • People can live a month without food, but just a week without water.
  • Water covers 70% of the Earth’s surface.
  • Roughly 1/3 of household water consumption originates from the toilet.
  • A jellyfish is 95% water.

And did you know 3.4 million people die each year from water-related causes?

Yikes!

Granted, most of that is due to waterborne illnesses.

And dehydration.

Oh, and water intoxication.

That’s right.

Drinking too much water can cause fatal water intoxication.

Aside from the fact that I already drink far too much water, I’m also freakishly concerned about another death-by-water type of scenario:

Sometimes, I choke on water.

Like it’s just too damn hard for small amounts of water to go straight down my throat without taking a virtually lung-collapsing detour.

Hell, sometimes I somehow manage to choke on absolutely nothing.

Well, technically, it’s air that I’m choking on.

But that’s beside the point.

Water is hazardous to your health!

If you’re even remotely at risk for death by water intoxication, you’re probably better off sticking to alcohol for dinner tonight.

Might I recommend a decadent Mudslide, beer battered fries, and soft pretzels with beer cheese?

Oh, right.

That level of alcohol consumption would most definitely lead to dehydration.

Which would lead to the need for consuming water for rehydration.

Which could lead to choking to death on said water.

Although, in all fairness…

I’m probably at far greater risk for doing myself in by eating a smorgasbord of questionable-looking food that’s ever-so-slightly past the sell-by date.

From my own fridge.

So much for trying to be less wasteful.

~Happy Friday! Hope you all have a fantastic weekend!~

Don't be fooled. Water has mastered the art of being both friend and foe.

Don’t be fooled. Water has mastered the art of being both friend and foe.