Bigly Bestest Playing Favorites

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Oh, blue ball. It’s not that I don’t love you anymore. It’s just that I got this shiny, new, less slobbery red ball for my birthday. I know it might look like a case of out with the chewed and in with the new, but I do still love you. I swear!

~Happy Tuesday, friends! It’s tough when a doggie chooses favorites among his loyal toys!~

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The Baddest Apple

I swear, eating while distracted is every bit as hazardous as driving in your sleep.

You know those little preservative packets in packages of food?

They’re called desiccant packets.

But I’ve always called them Do Not Eat packets.

Have you ever wondered what happens if you consume a Do Not Eat packet?

It’s not really something I ever gave much thought to, personally.

Until recently.

The thing is, I may have accidentally eaten one.

You’re probably wondering how that’s even possible.

Either you ate it or you didn’t, right?

Oh, I’m still scratching my head on this one, too.

It all started innocently enough.

I was ravenous, so I bought a bag of freeze-dried Fuji apples to devour on my drive home from work.

Shoveling handfuls of apples into my mouth, I found myself backed up in traffic about 10 minutes into my drive.

Figuring I had time to pass while waiting at a red light, I turned over the bag to read the nutrition facts.

Yeah, I’m weird like that.

It was a single serving bag.

Which was great, because the thing was dangerously close to empty already.

At least the ingredients were simple enough:

Freeze dried apples, ascorbic acid, and citric acid.

Not bad at all.

And 220% of vitamin C per serving.

Whew!

More than enough to ward off any threat of scurvy.

More importantly, it was made in the USA.

Because if I wanted to eat a toxic Chinese import, I’d chow down a box of so-called “non-toxic” crayons.

Or one of those questionable McDonald’s Happy Meal toys with 500 microscopic parts.

On second thought, those toxic little toys could also lead to asphyxiation.

Disturbingly enough, they aren’t not the only things that could present a safety hazard.

Further down on the apple bag was a warning.

Just some nonsense about a desiccant packet.

Yada yada yada.

Hey, wait a minute…

Holy crap!

The Do Not Eat packet!

Where the hell was the Do Not Eat packet?!?

Still sitting in an endless line of traffic, I dared a frantic peek into the bag.

There was hardly anything left in it.

Mostly crumbs, really.

And no sign of the packet.

Maybe they had forgotten to put one in this package?

Or…

Could I seriously have just eaten the stupid thing?

I mean, really?

How would I have missed that?

Even among generous fistfuls of apples, surely I’d have noticed a difference in texture or flavor.

Especially once biting into the packet and unleashing sand-like particles.

Were my senses that off?

Were my standards that low?

And I may very well have reached a new low with this dilemma.

You might think I’d have been more concerned for my safety.

After all, I could have ingested a potentially hazardous substance, for all I knew.

Yet, I found the whole thing mildly amusing.

Did this kind of stuff actually happen to other people?

Or was it truly just me?

By this point, I’m pretty well convinced it’s just me.

When I arrived home 20 minutes later, I Googled “accidental ingestion of desiccant packet”.

Which immediately directed me to the poison control website.

The information was surprisingly reassuring.

Apparently, one can safely scarf down the equivalent of an entire shoebox-worth of those packets and likely only experience stomach discomfort.

I can (almost) understand accidentally wolfing down one of those suckers…

But who would unknowingly devour a whole box of that crap?

A dog, maybe?

One with lower standards than me, perhaps?

Continuing on with my online self-diagnostics, I grabbed a couple of mini blueberry muffins.

Still needing a little more reassurance, I decided to test out a theory.

Leaving the wrapper intact, I made a simulated attempt at eating a muffin.

Would I notice when I bit into a chunk of the thin paper?

Would I?

I was genuinely intrigued now.

I immediately noticed the texture difference between the yummy moist muffin and the grainy paper.

But then, I also wasn’t distracted the same way I had been while driving.

I still wasn’t convinced.

A tray of sugar packets caught my eye a few days later at a restaurant.

I swiped one and shoved it in my purse.

To test something out a little later, just for kicks.

Let’s just say I didn’t get too far with that one.

The paper had the consistency of notebook paper, and the sugar felt like grains of sand.

But there was no mistaking a foreign substance’s assault on my palate.

Even so, a Do Not Eat packet was still smaller and not as grainy as a packet of sugar.

Whether I did or did not eat a desiccant packet still remains a mystery.

But the fact of the matter is, I’m more or less okay after maybe or maybe not having eaten one.

I think.

~Happy Friday, friends! Have a great weekend!~

Do not eat? A little late for that, don't you think?

Do not eat? A little late for that, don’t you think?

(The Baddest Apple originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 09/17/15.)

Bigly Bestest Birthday Boy

@thebiglybestestdoggie: I had such an awesome birthday! I got a new ball. I went for a long walk. I got all kinds of extra attention! But the best part? I got to eat treats for dinner! Really, I did!

Happy Birthday to me!

Happy Birthday to me!

~Happy Tuesday, friends! Who else celebrates their pet’s birthday? Jett’s birthday certainly qualifies as a great reason to get into party mode!~

Super Pooper Pukey Pups

Aren’t doggies the best?

They give sweet hugs.

And affectionate kisses.

They keep us warm on chilly days.

But sometimes, they’re kind of…

Well, gross.

They cram strange things in their mouths.

They sniff crotches and lick butts.

They poop and pee whenever and wherever they see fit.

They inhale their food in one big gulp.

And then sometimes puke it right back up.

Then they eat their pile of puked up food.

Because there’s nothing more appetizing than eating dinner and noticing your doggie quietly sitting in the corner and chewing on…

What, exactly?

A spider?

Oh, if only.

Nope.

It’s a pile of vomit.

Of course it is.

And apparently it’s mmm mmm good.

So lovely.

But at least dogs love to be active!

You know what’s the best part about taking doggies for a walk?

Watching them lift their hind legs to an astounding assortment of things!

Basketball hoops.

Real estate signs.

High voltage electric boxes.

It’s all fair game.

But it’s one thing to pee on fire hydrants…

And another altogether to plop dead center in some random neighbor’s front yard and proceed to take the biggest dump in history.

And so you might find yourself on your hands and knees as you valiantly try to do the right thing.

Which is hard, because you realize you’ve completely run out of doggie waste bags.

But luck for you, there’s exactly one crumpled tissue left in your pocket!

Of course, it’s not the easy to grab kind of doggie doo.

And so your efforts ultimately result in ripping out fistfuls of some random neighbor’s well-manicured lawn.

For the sake of courtesy and thoroughness.

And because, once again, it’s the right thing to do.

The cleaning up part, that is.

But because you’re working with one measly tissue, keeping your hands clean during cleanup is utterly out of the question.

And so spitting on your hands and rubbing them together vigorously is your only means of “washing” up.

Why is it that you never carry hand sanitizer with you?

Ugh.

You head home in defeat, with your poopie hands and one paradoxically happy doggie in tow.

But in this modern time of digital technology, you can rest assured the entire freak show of chaos has been recorded on someone’s home security camera.

And they will watch the video footage later.

And they will be baffled by what on earth it is you’re doing while your happy doggie stands by, kicking up dirt and licking nearby trees while you’re crouched down in their yard yanking up their grass with a filthy-looking tissue.

So much for always doing the right thing.

Maybe it’s better to just stick to your own backyard, huh?

Oh well.

Pets can be downright messy and gross.

But damn, they’re just so irresistibly adorable!

~Happy Friday, friends! Have a great weekend!~

Ah! The perfect place for a little hind leg-lifting action!

Ah! The perfect place for a little hind leg-lifting action!

Bigly Bestest Anticipation

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Less than a week until my birthday! I’m super excited! I love my family. I love presents. Oh, and I really love treats!

Is it my birthday yet? No? How about now?

Is it my birthday yet? No? How about now?

~Happy Tuesday, everyone! Doggies love a good celebration. Especially if it involves the possibility of treats!~

Failing at Fashion: Denim in Distress

So, I almost strangled myself to death the other day.

In a fitting room at Kohls.

With a sundress.

It’s true.

The sadistic contraption had way the hell too many straps.

Clothing and injury.

These two things evidently go hand in hand.

I’ve said  it before.

And I’ll gladly say it again.

I don’t understand the world of fashion.

Not one teeny, tiny bit.

Upside down jeans are poised to be the next big trend in denim.

Whoa.

And not the good kind of whoa.

More like, woe.

Upside down pants with upside down pockets and useless belt loops that graze your ankles?

Hmm.

Too kooky.

The best part, though?

They’re only $495!

But at least they cover one’s butt.

Unlike crotchless jeans.

Which are essentially a couple of scraps of denim, held together by…

Chains.

And complete with a fully exposed rear, to boot.

Definitely worth $142, don’t ya think?

Or how about the practically nonexistent jeans that couldn’t?

Couldn’t cover a thing, that is.

With 90 percent less fabric than the average pair of jeans, the $223 extreme cutout jeans with exposed pockets and exposed butt cheeks are really something.

Or not much of anything, depending on how you look at it.

And let’s talk about floss jeans.

Described as extreme lace-up jeans…

The floss-like threads comprising the leg portion are essentially thin bungee cords that wrap around the legs.

They look insanely time-consuming to put on or get off.

And downright dangerous.

It would be more efficient to wedge a wild and wiggly lunatic into a straight jacket than to squirm and squeeze your way into a pair of floss jeans.

At least they’re only $168.

Nice, right?

Ha!

For that kind of money, I expect clothing to…

a) Not to be safety endangering.

b) Not make me die of hypothermia from lack of coverage.

c) To cover my literal butt.

Is this so unreasonable?

Oh wait.

Maybe that’s just, like, not cool.

Or something.

I don’t know.

I’m not a fan of holey stuff.

Especially paying for intentionally damaged goods in the name of fashion.

Not with my hard-earned money, thank you very much.

I refuse to pay for “distressed” monstrosities.

And for heaven’s sake, no more buttless jeans!

Oh, now here’s a real winner!

Clear knee jeans.

For only $95.

Complete with…

Stylish knee windows!

And fully covered butt and crotch areas!

Jackpot!

But why stop at clear knees…

When you can rock a full pair of clear “jeans” for only $100.

They’re pants… without actually being pants.

Or how about half jeans, a.k.a. one leg jeans?

They’re perfect for those who can’t decide whether they’re hot or cold.

Nothing like half a pair of pants.

With even more butt cheeky exposure!

Oh, and  let’s not forget about zipper jeans that zip all the way around.

Presumably to air out your cheeks at your discretion.

Wow.

What a mess.

Fashion fads.

They come and they go.

But the fashion industry is clearly flying by the seat of their buttless, crotchless pants.

~Happy Friday, friends! Anyone in the market for pantless pants? If so, you’re in luck! I’m sure some designer, somewhere out there, is busy turning your dream into reality! Haha! Have a great weekend!~

Pants? Torture device? You be the judge...

Pants? Torture device? You be the judge…

Bigly Bestest Chart Topper

@thebiglybestestdoggie: 38?!? According to a recent list of the 100 most popular doggie breeds, Border Collies rank #38. Excuse me?!? Does this look like the face of 38th place? The nerve!

My momma says I'm beautiful. She obviously knows what she's talking about...

My momma says I’m beautiful. She obviously knows what she’s talking about…

~Happy Tuesday, friends! Numbers, whether age or ranking, are meaningless. So just keep on being awesome and forget the rest!~

Spatulas and Spiderman

Crash!

There’s only one explanation for this.

My house clearly was designed for a ginormous NBA player.

While Shaquille O’Neal would likely be in his element here…

I can’t reach past the second shelf in any of my kitchen cabinets.

Not easily, anyway.

And so I climb.

Or I whack things off those higher shelves.

With a spatula.

Which is why sometimes things go flying off the shelves and hit the ground instead of landing in my hand as intended.

Like that glass I just tried to knock off the third shelf.

Thank goodness it wasn’t the fourth shelf, or everything might’ve come crashing down at my feet.

Usually I can thread a spatula through the handle of a mug and hoist it down like a firefighter valiantly rescuing someone from a burning building.

But not everything in the cabinet has handles.

And so it doesn’t always work out quite the way I plan.

Evident by the occasional crashes and thuds.

Cake pans.

Touch up paint cans.

These things are all out of my reach range.

The cereal boxes are also well out of my reach, in the pantry.

But I don’t feel bad whacking those off the shelf with my spatula.

Because at least if they hit the ground, they don’t shatter and spew shards everywhere.

Sure, there might be a few rogue Cheerios on the loose.

But it’s preferable to glass shards all over the floor.

In case you’re wondering, I do have a ladder.

Several, actually.

But I don’t always feel like hauling one around.

By the time I locate one, haul it over, yank it open…

I could’ve already scaled the kitchen counter faster than Spiderman and grabbed whatever I needed.

So yeah.

I save ladders for more pressing matters.

Like for when the fire alarm goes off in the middle of the night and I’m a solid two feet away from even reaching the damn thing to deactivate it.

Fortunately, I’m a pro at climbing random fixtures.

I seem to be part Spiderman, part monkey.

Wait.

Would this make me a spider monkey?!

Hmm.

At barely over five feet tall, so many things are just out of my reach.

And so I am forced to resort to climbing onto the kitchen and bathroom counters to gain a few inches.

Or feet.

But not just at home, either.

I also scale the shelves at various stores without a second thought.

Oh, come  on.

Whose bright idea was it to stock products  so far above my head?

I rest my case.

I gotta do what I gotta do.

Especially since I don’t bring my handy spatula to the store with me.

Because that’d be weird, right?

The mighty spatula.

Small but powerful.

Just like me.

The Spiderman monkey girl.

I can’t reach much of anything.

And I’m okay with that.

On the bright side…

At least I’m rarely in danger of hitting my head on a doorway.

And yet I still manage to whack my head on car doors.

Go figure.

~Happy Friday, friends! Have a great weekend!~

An actual image of me in action...

An actual image of me in action…

Bigly Bestest Attention Seeking Doggie

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Hi! Hello! Excuse me! Can you see me? Hmm. How about now? Ah, yes. There we go. You know, I sure could use a little attention right about now. So quit cramming food into your face and rub my belly! 

~Happy Tuesday, friends! What could be better than a nice wet nose in your face when you’re trying to eat breakfast? Haha!~

Back to School Blues

It’s that time again.

Back to school time.

Yippee.

More like back to gaaah!

Can you feel the enthusiasm?

Yeah.

Me, neither.

Nobody wants to get out of bed bright and early for school.

Including me.

Especially me.

The novelty has already worn off.

And it hasn’t even been a full week.

Sure, my boys have been complaining of acute boredom for the last ten weeks.

But rarely is a child so bored that they eagerly anticipate returning to school.

My younger son seems especially over it already.

By day two, his alarm clock lay on the floor in pieces, its batteries scattered haphazardly.

It’s no fun for me, either.

There’s the stressful challenge of packing lunches they’ll actually eat.

And having to make sure they’re sanitary enough to be seen in public.

And worst of all…

Homework.

That’s no fun.

For anyone.

Not only that…

Yesterday, we had to do a second round of school supply shopping.

Because once obviously was neither fun enough nor expensive enough.

Or sanity-endangering enough.

Hooray for Walmart and their disorderly heaps of leftover back to school crap!

I mean, supplies.

And so it’s back to battling the clock.

And traffic.

And Walmart.

Yikes.

But now that the kids are back in school, it’s a great time for me to work on catching up on all the things I’d fallen behind on this summer.

Like cleaning.

And writing.

And reading.

And more cleaning.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I’ve somehow managed to fall behind in life as a whole.

I’d probably settle for catching up on sleep, at this point.

But there’s no rest for the weary.

Or the worried.

It’s hard to sleep while my mind gallops off like a crack-addicted race horse.

By the same token…

It’s also hard to accomplish anything that way.

So much to do.

So little motivation to do any of it.

But, hey.

At least my kids are being more productive at the moment.

They’re probably learning something  at school.

Maybe.

Hopefully.

So long, lazy days of summer.

Hello, back to school madness.

If nothing else, it’s back to devising ways of embarrassing my kids at school functions.

I suppose that counts as being productive.

Right?

~Happy weekend, friends! And Happy Birthday to my favorite mascot boy! Woo hoo!~

Augh! Not this again! Didn't summer just start?!

Augh! Not this again! Didn’t summer just start?!