A Highly Dysfunctional Hillbilly Christmas Playlist

Who doesn’t love a good parody?

I know I certainly do.

So I decided to put a slight spin on some of the traditional classics to create a slightly more, uh… modern Christmas playlist.

With catchy titles like these, they’re bound to be instant classics!

Presenting:

A Highly Dysfunctional Hillbilly Christmas Playlist!

1) Santa Claus Ain’t Coming to This Town

2) Angels We Have Heard Are High

3) Feliz Navi-D’oh!

4) O Come All Ye Ungrateful

5) Santa Got Run over by a Bulldozer (for Having the Audacity to Put Me on the Naughty List)

6) Here Come Satan’s Claws

7) O Holy Fright

8) Frosty the Know-It-All Man

9)  Jingle Hell Rock

10)  Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (in Timeout!)

11) All I Want for Christmas Is Juice 

12) The Twelve Days of Excessive Greed

13) Deck the Brother/Wife/Neighbor

14) Black and Blue Christmas

15) I Saw Mommy Chasing Santa Claus (out of the trailer with a shotgun)

16) Holy Crap! The Herald Angels Shriek

17) Do You Hear What I Hear? (Sirens again?!?)

18) You’re a Mean One, Mr. Police Officer

19) It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like the Aftermath of an Apocalypse

20) Where are You Christmas? (No, really. Where the hell are you?)

~Happy Friday, friends! Hope you all enjoyed this delightfully warped spin on the same ol’ ho-hum holiday classics. Have a terrific weekend!~

Way to totally sleigh ( I mean, slay) a Christmas classic.

Way to totally sleigh ( I mean, slay) a Christmas classic.

*A Highly Dysfunctional Hillbilly Christmas Playlist originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 12/17/2015

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Bigly Bestest Food Critic

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Inattentive staff. Slow service. Completely oblivious to my culinary cravings, evident from the same food I’m served every single meal, every single day. I’d give it zero stars if I could. 

This stuff again. Yay.

This stuff again. Yay.

~Happy Tuesday, everyone! They say variety is the spice of life. I think Jett would be inclined to agree, especially after getting a taste of real turkey on Thanksgiving. Luckily for him, Christmas is right around the corner…~

Co…Co…Coal!

Coal.

It’s not just for Christmas.

I’ve periodically tormented my poor boys with the threat of coal on a variety of other occasions throughout the years.

Like their birthdays.

And Halloween.

And even Easter.

For the most part, it’s been a fairly effective bluff.

After all, nothing makes a holiday less joyful than the possibility of receiving a lump or two of coal.

But that all changed recently.

I ‘d been casually scrolling through some funny holiday comics online…

And then I stumbled across this one disturbing meme that totally changed my perspective.

My younger son thought it was awesome.

Now I’m scared.

I think that’s my cue to get working on inventing flame retardant coal…

ASAP.

~Happy Friday, friends! If you have kids and they’ve behaved in a less than saintly manner this year, do yourself a favor and skip the coal. Yikes!~

The terrifying reason why coal is no longer a viable gift giving option for even the naughtiest child.

The terrifying reason why coal is no longer a viable gift giving option for even the naughtiest child.

Bigly Bestest Priorities

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Neglectful human needs to get priorities straight. Playing fetch always comes before work. Might have to “accidentally” swallow her keys next time.

~Happy Tuesday, friends! Pets are incredibly rewarding… and they sure can be demanding. Now go give your favorite furry friend a big hug!~

Lessons from the Fish Tank

Responsibility?

Pfft!

Who needs that?

Well, if responsibility is your goal…

Then pet fish are definitely not the way to go.

PetSmart’s Black Friday ad, boasting 50% off all small pets, really got me thinking.

It brought back memories of That One Christmas five years ago.

Santa had oh so generously brought my boys a very nice fish tank, filled with cool fish tank ornaments like treasure chests and Sponge Bob Square Pants and his pineapple under the sea…

And Sponge Bob’s bizarre pet meowing snail, Gary.

All that was missing were the fish.

So my husband and I gifted our boys each with a certificate for one Mickey Mouse Platy fish apiece.

Which turned out to be a huge mistake.

Or, rather, a life lesson.

A lesson in The Circle of Life.

The cycle of life.

And death.

And inbreeding.

That’s right.

The whole experience served as a constant lesson in the disturbing never-ending cycle of death in a fish tank plagued by frequent new life, even more frequent death…

And inbreeding of epidemic proportions.

Sure, the kids were excited at first.

We started off with three fish:

Chloe-Dante, Bailey, and…and…

Well, some other fish.

We soon added snails Gary and Larry.

And then a cool sucker fish, creatively named Sucker Pluto.

We would all sit there like scientists, measuring for proper ph levels to keep everything properly in balance for the safety of our beloved new pets.

But after a matter of months, nobody cared enough anymore to clean the algae-filled tank or even be certain if they’d been fed lately.

Before we knew it, there were far too many fish to remember names of or even keep track of.

On that note…

Never name fish after your family members.

The first fish to kick the bucket was a red Platy named after my brother and his dog.

A child showing up to school crying about dead fish named after a family member is bound to be a traumatizing experience.

Chloe-Dante just died!

Um, isn’t that your uncle? And his…dog?

Your uncle and his dog just died…and you’re at school?!?

What is wrong with your family?!?

Oh, you guys name your fish after your family members…???

Seriously, what is wrong with your family?

Yeah.

Not an ideal situation.

Always a new fish.

Always a new one kicking the bucket.

On the bright side, we really got the most bang for our buck with all that inbreeding, which led to our pet count multiplying exponentially.

So I guess in that sense, we got a pretty good deal out of it.

I mean, with the exception of The Missing GloFish.

How can a bright neon green fish go missing?

It’s not like they can jump out of a tank…

Or can they?

We’ll never know for certain.

Maybe he was just trying to escape that horrifying inferno.

I can’t say I would’ve blamed him.

Pet fish?

Ha!

Never again.

It’s safe to say I’ve learned my lesson.

~Happy Saturday, everyone! Have a fantastic weekend!~

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…

Bigly Bestest Great Escape

@thebiglybestestdoggie: If you don’t want me running down the street like a giddy little psychopath, you might wanna remember to actually put the leash on me next time. Just sayin’…

~Happy Tuesday, everyone! For the record, I did have the leash in my hand… I just forgot to actually attach it to the doggie. On the bright side, I did manage to capture this charming photo of him smugly strutting down the street during his brief moment of freedom.~

Merry Gobble Gobble Day

Turkeys totally love me!

It’s true.

As a vegetarian, I pose zero threat to those poor fellows.

But enough about that.

Let’s kick today off with a little humor, shall we?

thanksgiving-1

(Even if he can’t pass for a ghost, he may at least be able to pass as an albino turkey. And who the heck wants to eat that?)

thanksgiving-23

(Um, hello!?! Surely the alarms in your turkey-brained head must be blaring by now!)

thanksgiving-5

(Sorry to break it to you, but sometimes the truth hurts.)

thanksgiving-21

(When you put it that way, it does sound more like a day at the spa, rather than the one-way ticket to inferno that it really is. But hey, enjoy that rubdown!)

thanksgiving-7

(Save your breath, little turkey. You couldn’t pay me enough to make me want to eat you. Consider it my early Christmas present to you.)

thanksgiving-13

(Bet that grass is looking like a pretty appealing option right about now.)

thanksgiving-8

(Sure, but don’t get too complacent. Traditions can change over time…)

thanksgiving-16

(Presumably, eating and being stuffed from the other end are not one and the same.)

thanksgiving-17

(The need for posting every single thing on social media can get a little out of hand sometimes. Find a better hobby, turkey! On second thought, might as well make that final selfie count for all it’s worth.)

thanksgiving-20

(Excellent point. Much like Columbus Day, Thanksgiving is yet another holiday of questionable origins.)

What exactly is it that we are celebrating, again?

Okay, okay.

Thanksgiving is a time to enjoy spending with family and friends, celebrating the myriad of reasons to be thankful, today and every day.

Because there are always reasons to be grateful in this life.

~Happy Thanksgiving, friends! Hope you all have a wonderful day! ~

(Merry Gobble Gobble Day originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 10/24/16)

Bigly Bestest Thanksgiving

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Did someone say “feast”?!? No clue what exactly Thanksgiving is even about, but I can already tell I’m gonna like it. Bring it on! 

~Happy Tuesday, my friends! For those of you who celebrate Thanksgiving, Jett and I wish you a joyous day filled with good food and good times. Bon appétit!~

Unfinished Accomplishments

What do you do all week?

I swear, sometimes I ask myself that very same question.

Where is the time going?

And perhaps more importantly…

What the heck have I accomplished lately?

I’m gonna go with nothing.

Or nothing much, anyway.

Definitely not a whole hell of a lot, from the look of things.

I’m sure laundry and emptying the dishwasher technically count as something.

And with a to do list a mile long, surely I’m not lacking for things to do.

Yet, it seems that for every one thing I manage to cross off the list, I’m instantly having to add 10 more things.

It’s like being a hamster running circles on a wheel that never stops.

(Is this why people sometimes refer to life as a rat race? Interesting…)

On days like today, there is little to show for it.

Let’s see.

Today, I…

Fed the kids breakfast.

Fed the dog.

Brought the boys to school.

Walked the dog.

Worried incessantly.

Did multiple loads of laundry.

Emptied and filled the dishwasher.

Vacuumed.

Wandered.

Picked the boys up from school.

At least, I think I did…

Did I?

Where are those boys?

I haven’t heard a peep out of them in a while, and that’s never a good thing.

Hmmm.

Oh, well.

But truly, I don’t sit at home shoveling Bon Bons down my throat like a glutton while watching soap operas when the kids are at school.

For one thing, I don’t have the attention span to watch a soap opera.

Or anything else, for that matter.

I typically have to get up and do something.

Like dust off the TV or pull out the vacuum…

I’m telling ya, my ability to multitask has reached new levels.

Did you know it’s entirely possible to eat breakfast while pushing the vacuum around the house?

Yeah, well.

I never said it was a particularly good idea.

Some people have to go to the gym to stay fit.

But I get all the physical activity I can safely handle by pushing the vacuum around while balancing stuff while also trying not to choke to death.

I think I’m on to something here.

Some days, I drink my green smoothie out of a cocktail glass.

Because, why not?

By my calculations, I spend roughly three hours a day worrying about everything that is, and everything that can, go wrong.

Such an impressive use of time, I know.

My mind doesn’t merely wander.

It full-out gallops across intersection after intersection of green lights with not a single red light in sight.

I wander around the house, trying to remember what I had set out to do in the first place.

So then I wander around the neighborhood in hopes of clearing my head.

But curiosity wins and I start wandering into new construction homes within my development.

On the way back, I marvel at why the flag is at half-staff, and resolve to Google it when I get home.

And then I get back home and start to worry about everything that needs to get done around the house…

From touching up paint to dusting the base boards to dealing with the backed up dryer vent.

So I become overwhelmed as all these thoughts swirl through my head.

Then before I know it, it’s time to pick the kids up from school.

And I still haven’t managed to eat lunch.

Did I mention I’m still in my pajamas two minutes before I have to head out?

I cram a protein bar down my throat as I’m driving.

So what if my time management skills aren’t looking too hot at the moment?

Some days, I manage to get an entire week’s worth of things accomplished.

Go figure.

A little laundry, a little cleaning, a little writing…

And a whole lotta worrying.

About the state of the world.

About if I’ve somehow been screwing up my kids all along.

About the commotion of upcoming holidays.

That’s right.

Let’s just add the chaos of Christmas to the mix, too, shall we?

Because I might become bored otherwise.

It’s the season…

For what, exactly?

Migraines?

Ulcers?

Some days I start off by making a healthy green alkaline smoothie…

And end the day with a shot of Baileys.

Is it so wrong I’m secretly kinda sorta okay with everyone in my family landing on the naughty list to alleviate some of the stress?

I think I might have to accidentally delete the to do list on my phone.

I’d be okay with that.

Oops.

Too bad, so not sad.

So what is it that I do all day?

I swear, sometimes I just don’t even know.

~Happy Friday, friends! Hope you’ve all had a great week, and that you’ve managed to accomplish…well, more than I’ve managed to accomplish. Have a terrific weekend!~

Pretty sure this right here counts as a fairly significant accomplishment...

Pretty sure this right here counts as a fairly significant accomplishment…

Bigly Bestest Quandaries

@thebiglybestestdoggie: To pee or not to pee- is it ever a question? But to poo or to pee… Ah! Now that is the million dollar question.

~Happy Tuesday, friends! Life is always full of challenging decisions for everyone… even for doggies! Who would’ve guessed they had it so rough? Ha ha ha! Hope you’re all having a fantastic week so far!~