The Halloween Holler

This morning, I found myself elbow-deep in pumpkin guts in a laughable attempt to carve a Minecraft Creeper face.

To keep myself sane, I created a little song in honor of Halloween.

Ah. Halloween; the fabulous tradition of dressing the entire family up like an eclectic group of escaped mental patients and wandering door to door, politely demanding candy from people you’ve never even seen before in your life.

But hey, when else can you witness an angel walking arm in arm with the devil?

Or Darth Vader nonchalantly strolling the streets with Dora the Explorer?

Or Hit Girl from Kick Ass chilling with the Cookie Monster?

Priceless.

You don’t even need to go to Vegas for people creature watching of this caliber when you’ve got the insanity right outside your front door!

Anyway, without further ado…

THE HALLOWEEN HOLLER

(To the tune of Jingle Bells)

Dashing into the road

In a mask with warped eyeholes

Into the cold we go

Tripping on our capes

Falling on the ice

Evading frostbite

What fun it is to slip and dodge

Another car tonight!

 

Halloween, Halloween

It’s a freaking scream

Oh what fun it is to fly

On a major sugar high!


Halloween, Halloween

It’s a deranged dream

Oh what fun it is to cry

From a sick, sick sugar high!

Hey, let’s sing it again!

On second thought, I don’t feel too good…

Carving a pumpkin is just one of the many joys of Halloween.

Carving a pumpkin is just one of the many joys of Halloween.

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Cracking the Glass

My boys both brought home their much-anticipated school pictures last week. Somehow, these are by far their worst ones yet.

I’ve seen characters in horror movies with more pleasant facial expressions.

Hell, even Chucky the Killer Doll looks more sociable than these two.

What gives?

It’s like the photographers don’t bother waiting for a kid to be fully in position before snapping the picture.

And what are these photographers using for prompts?

“Suck on this lemon for 30 seconds, then smile!”

“Just heard your teacher say something about a pop quiz today…?”

“Whoa, did you just see that bat zoom by?”

Not only do school pictures get more expensive every year, there are also noticeably fewer pictures in the packages. Which, quite frankly, when they look that dismal, may not be such a bad thing.

But still, it’s the principal of the matter. There used to be enough pictures to wallpaper an entire bathroom . Now, what you get barely covers one of the small floor tiles.

And of course, you must commit to buying these things sight unseen. What kind of nonsense is that? It’s insane!

Speaking of insanity…

The photo packages range from $19 for the I Don’t Really Love My Child That Much package, which gets you a single 5×7 and four wallet sized photos, to the self-proclaimed Best Value! package, with a total of 19 photos, a cd with exactly one image on it, and three key tags, all for just $69!

If you really love throwing money away, there are all kinds of frivolous add-ons. Did you know you can add a sheet of 20 stickers for only $9!

Right…

Ultimately, I went with a more middle of the road package that clearly demonstrates I love my child a reasonable enough amount.

If you really think about it, the poor kids are totally set up for disaster on Picture Day.

Against all logic, it takes place at the very end of the day at least 99.9% of the time. After P.E., lunch, recess, and that 20 minute fire drill on the windiest day of the entire year.

This ingenious set up guarantees bloody toothed grins after face planting on the playground, black eyes from taking a hit to the face during dodgeball, hair sticking up in seventeen directions, pants split down the crotch after a morning bus stop dare gone wrong…

And, of course, there’s always the trademark red Kool-Aid stained mouth that makes it looks like the little vampire guzzled a vat of blood for lunch.

Oh well. Not all is lost.

The timing is actually fairly good, seeing as how my kids sort of resemble spooky ghouls and goblins in those photos. Maybe I can use them for Halloween decorations…

Say Boo!

A school picture is worth thousands of  words.

A school picture is worth thousands of words.

A Double Shot of Reality

You know you’ve indisputably crossed into adulthood

when you go from downing late night shots with friends

to early morning chain-chugging Dixie cups of coffee

above the trash can at your neighborhood grocery store.

Chug it! Chug it! Chug it!

Chug it! Chug it! Chug it!

Much Ado about Lemons

Pop Quiz!

Relax! There’s only one question and no wrong answers. It’ll be fun!

Here we go!

WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU LEMONS, YOU ARE MOST LIKELY TO:

a) Pull on your sweatpants, grab a few pints of Chunky Monkey, and indulge in a three day marathon of tear-jerkers, including 
John Q and The Pursuit of Happyness, then bawl for days over the myriad of injustices in life.

b) Find your inner peace after thoroughly exhausting yourself by going postal on random objects-  the neighbor’s hideous Halloween scarecrow, the coffee maker that just kicked the bucket, the freakishly large rat scurrying by…

c) Throw those lemons at someone deserving. A few helpful options:  that toxic frenemy you can’t seem to cut loose, a particularly infuriating coworker, or the out-of-control maniac in a semi who just cut you off on the freeway.

d) Use your pent-up aggression to squeeze every last drop of lemon juice out with your bare hands like a Viking masseuse and make a badass (and probably dangerously potent) lemon martini.

e) Other (please elaborate)

While these are all very logical (and highly acceptable) approaches, I’d personally go with option c.

Afterall, research clearly shows that actively doing something to alleviate troubles can be highly beneficial. And how much more proactive can one get than hurling objects across the room?

So…which did you choose?

No Viking masseuses were available, so I made this one myself.

No Viking masseuses were available, so I made this one myself.

Laundry Loot

Things I found in my son’s pocket today:

1-Green Crayola crayon
3-Starbursts wrappers
1-SweeTarts wrapper
2-Earplugs
1-Tooth

A tooth?!?

laundry loot = countless creative opportunities

laundry loot = countless creative opportunities