My boys both brought home their much-anticipated school pictures last week. Somehow, these are by far their worst ones yet.
I’ve seen characters in horror movies with more pleasant facial expressions.
Hell, even Chucky the Killer Doll looks more sociable than these two.
It’s like the photographers don’t bother waiting for a kid to be fully in position before snapping the picture.
And what are these photographers using for prompts?
“Suck on this lemon for 30 seconds, then smile!”
“Just heard your teacher say something about a pop quiz today…?”
“Whoa, did you just see that bat zoom by?”
Not only do school pictures get more expensive every year, there are also noticeably fewer pictures in the packages. Which, quite frankly, when they look that dismal, may not be such a bad thing.
But still, it’s the principal of the matter. There used to be enough pictures to wallpaper an entire bathroom . Now, what you get barely covers one of the small floor tiles.
And of course, you must commit to buying these things sight unseen. What kind of nonsense is that? It’s insane!
Speaking of insanity…
The photo packages range from $19 for the I Don’t Really Love My Child That Much package, which gets you a single 5×7 and four wallet sized photos, to the self-proclaimed Best Value! package, with a total of 19 photos, a cd with exactly one image on it, and three key tags, all for just $69!
If you really love throwing money away, there are all kinds of frivolous add-ons. Did you know you can add a sheet of 20 stickers for only $9!
Ultimately, I went with a more middle of the road package that clearly demonstrates I love my child a reasonable enough amount.
If you really think about it, the poor kids are totally set up for disaster on Picture Day.
Against all logic, it takes place at the very end of the day at least 99.9% of the time. After P.E., lunch, recess, and that 20 minute fire drill on the windiest day of the entire year.
This ingenious set up guarantees bloody toothed grins after face planting on the playground, black eyes from taking a hit to the face during dodgeball, hair sticking up in seventeen directions, pants split down the crotch after a morning bus stop dare gone wrong…
And, of course, there’s always the trademark red Kool-Aid stained mouth that makes it looks like the little vampire guzzled a vat of blood for lunch.
Oh well. Not all is lost.
The timing is actually fairly good, seeing as how my kids sort of resemble spooky ghouls and goblins in those photos. Maybe I can use them for Halloween decorations…