A Healthy Dose of Humor

Call me crazy, but spending as much time as I have in a hospital setting these last couple of weeks has really forced me to seek out the humor in unexpected places.

And so…

Sticking with that happy theme, presenting some of the finest examples of healthcare-related humor I’ve stumbled across today:

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(Well, the grass is always greener on the other side, now, isn’t it?)

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(Always helps to know where you stand with someone before ending up in a similar situation. Just sayin’…)

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(Hey, whatever floats your boat, right?)

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(Proof that progress comes in all sorts of different shapes and forms.)

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(Clearly, these gowns were designed by some deranged pervert hopped up on narcotics. Speaking of which…)

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(With all these awesome virtues, it’s clear: Oxycodone is right for EVERYONE!)

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(In all fairness, YouTube is a great resource! You know, for building your own coffin after the YouTube-guided procedure doesn’t quite go as planned…)

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(Like everything else in life, it’s simply a matter of perspective. Well, that, and an overactive imagination.)

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(Points for creativity, but they’d best have those defibrillators fired up and ready for action.)

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(Bottom line: if it’s good for you, it hasn’t been FDA-approved.)

~Happy Friday! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!~

 

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Positive Like a Proton

You know your week hasn’t been so hot when the highlight has been riding shotgun in an ambulance.

Yeah.

I’m not gonna lie.

This week was rough, and my motivation and creativity are sorely lacking.

On the positive side, two for the price of one in an ambulance helps to soften the blow a teeny bit.

More bang for your buck, ya know?

Always a silver lining.

(I haven’t slept much lately. Is it obvious?)

Anyway, I had recently seen a goofy expression that made me crack a smile:

Be like a proton; stay positive.

It’s an interesting analogy, and yet surprising accurate.

As human beings, we are are always trying to balance the negativity of the electrons in life with the positivity of protons.

Sometimes, you can only achieve the neutrality of a neutron; other times it’s tough to balance out that negativity at all.

But even so…

Always strive to be that positive proton.

~Wishing you all a bright and positive proton-like weekend.~

Protons clearly have the right idea...

Protons clearly have the right idea…

A Slave to the Rumbling

C is for cookie.

C is also for cannibalism.

But unlike cannibalism, cookies are Cookie Monster approved.

Cannibalism is…well…nobody approved.

It’s just a bad idea, plain and simple.

I am stomach. Hear me roar!

Roar with hunger, at any rate.

I think my brain may be ruled by my stomach.

And I evidently enter starvation mode if I go more than two hours without food.

Case in point:

Right around the three-hour mark, I typically start exhibiting signs of feral beastly hunger so intense that this vegetarian becomes pathologically unpleasant while getting dangerously close to resorting to cannibalism. (From Threading the Needle)

Yeah…

It’s that bad.

And so I am left to consider absurd possibilities.

Like eating toothpaste and Do Not Eat packets.

Okay, fine.

I would never actually do that.

Not intentionally, anyway.

In the 90 seconds it takes to make oatmeal, I sometimes have to grab something, anything, really, to tide me over long enough so I don’t pass out and knock myself senseless on the way down.

Like one of those funny-looking cookies that’s been sitting on the counter for a couple of days…

OMG, I hope that rock-hard thing wasn’t actually a dog biscuit.

Apparently, my brain gets its wires crossed when I’m excessively hungry.

Ooh, look!

Something that may or may not actually be food…

But hey, close enough!

Hmmm…

I’ll rummage in my purse, only to discover an avocado as my sole food option.

Avocado?

What’s that doing in there?

And more importantly, how the hell am I supposed to eat that while driving?

I’ve also been known to drink my kids’ juice boxes on the fly.

Oh yeah.

I’ve eaten whipped cream out of the can as a snack, in an attempt to quickly calm the turmoil in my belly.

Oh, and I once ate these horribly sickening nicotine cupcakes.

In my defense, I had no clue what was in them.

They were just sitting there, and I was hungry.

Bad idea.

And another time, when I tried a little too hard to sneak a piece of Laffy Taffy out of the Halloween pail…

Well, let’s just say I may have eaten a chunk of the wrapper in my haste.

Damn oppressive humidity.

All I can say is, hopefully the wrapper and ink were at least nontoxic.

But then, what do you expect from someone whose child once ate a glow stick?

Me want cookie! Om nom nom nom.

Me want cookie! Om nom nom nom.

High on Everything under the Sun

Drug-free America?

Now there’s a radical concept.

From Ritalin to Prozac, there are drugs for every stage of life.

Whether illicit, over the counter, or prescription, there’s something for everyone!

The key to proactively educating the public lies in starting as early as possible. Elementary school is optimal.

As an advocate of life-long learning, a full integration approach will guarantee a successful drug-infused curriculum!

From primary subjects to electives to special interests to careers, the options are numerous!

No matter whether you’re learning from school or online, you can have access to it all.

Core course offerings such as ‘Shroom Science, Heroin History, Methamphetamine Math, Ecstasy English, LSD Library, and PCP PE are always popular.

A fan of Science?

Why not give Morphine Meteorology, Amphetamine Astronomy, Barbiturate Biology, OD Oceanography, or Paradise Physics a whirl?

Is Math more your thing?

There’s Controlled Substance Calculus, Adderall Algebra, and GHB Geometry.

Do Language Arts or Humanities appeal to you?

Stimulant Speech, Depressant Debate, Ritalin Rhetoric, and Marijuana Mythology are highly recommended.

Oh, and electives have never looked so appealing!

For the creative types, we’ve got Dopin’ Drama, Tracks Theater, Acid Art, Banging Band, Codeine Computer Lab, Narcotics School Newspaper, Vicodin Video Production, Joint Journalism, Percocet Performing Arts, OxyContin Orchestra, Crack Choir, Diet Pill Dance, and Leaping Leadership.

Special interest?

Fear not, for there’s surely something for you!

Addiction Anime, Doomed Driver’s Ed, Viagra Ventriloquism, Opium Ornithology, Xanax Xylophone, Acid Freak Astrology, Ibuprofen Improv, Abusive Archery, and Valium Voice-Over Artistry are only a handful of our growing niche offerings.

Career-oriented?

There’s definitely some great offerings for those entering the work force.

We recommend Trippin’ Tour Bus Driver, High Herbalist, Hit Health Inspector, Bustin’ Bailiff, Wasted Wheel Aligner, Reefer Rubbish Collector, Baked Bee Keeper, Prozac Psychiatrist, Rush Radio Announcer, and Devil’s Dust Drug Counselor.

For the History buffs, Withdrawal World History and Rehab Renaissance are always in high demand.

Remember, many drugs can be purchased on the street for your convenience.

For everything else, your doctor will be more than happy to prescribe something for you.

(Disclaimer: This new education plan is currently pending FDA approval. Which we all know won’t be a problem. Until there’s a recall. In which case, this whole thing was a very, very bad idea.)

I'd say this cartoon pretty well speaks for itself.

I’d say this cartoon pretty well speaks for itself.

The World of Quirky

You know it’s going to be a great day when you get bitch-slapped by your own houseplants.

Seriously, the dumbest things imaginable somehow morph into reality wherever I go.

What can I say?

I’m a magnet for disaster.

Some days, it starts off with glass shattering all over the kitchen floor after attempting to whack a cup off a high shelf with a spatula.

Or spitting a mouthful of toothpaste into my own hair.

Or walking smack into the bathroom door in the middle of the night and giving myself a gushing nosebleed that keeps me awake until ten minutes before the alarm is set to go off.

Or the alarm clock going off when my arms, hands, and fingers are all asleep, so I numbly swat at the damn clock to silence it, until I am forced to resort to using my teeth when everything else fails.

Or knocking a bowl of blueberries out of the fridge and into the air, tripping over a lonesome shoe in the middle of the living room, and then falling flat on my face.

Or getting hit by the freezer door, microwave door, and car door.

All in the same day.

All I can say is, that’s way too much head-banging going on when there are simply not enough brain cells left to spare anymore.

Anyway…

For some Friday fun, I thought I’d share a few of my all-time most impressive moments.

(I laugh at myself all the time, so I’m cool with sharing a few laughs at my own expense.)

A pair with no sense of direction is a pair about to go on an unexpected adventure

Years ago, my brother and I were hanging out at my house a few weeks before my due date. I was suddenly overwhelmed with labor-like pains, and the poor guy was pretty much forced to drive me to the hospital.

Unfamiliar with the hospital and generally lacking any sense of direction, we ended up in the Psych Ward.

Of all places.

It turned out to be nothing more than false labor pains, but my brother stopped coming over until the threat of delivering a baby in the Psych Ward on his watch had long passed.

Attack of the killer vacuum

I laid the vacuum down on its side so the brush roll wouldn’t damage the hard flooring while I used the hose attachment to suck up mystery meal leftovers off the floor.

Next thing I knew, the vacuum decided to assert its dominance by latching onto my leg like a ravenous vampire, with the brush roll going round and round into my skin like little teeth.

It felt like rug burn, only more intense. And it left a really weird mark on my leg for weeks.

Because I have yet to learn my lesson…

One recent evening while the sun was still out, I stepped outside to water my plants.

In my pajamas.

With a mouthful of mouthwash, because I’m all about multitasking.

I looked out window first to make sure no one else was around, because who wants to be bothered with putting on respectable clothes just to water the plants? 

 But then my neighbor had the audacity to wander out into his own backyard right at that very moment.

Realizing I had been spotted, I added to the intensely awkward moment by unintentionally spitting mouthwash all over the brick on the side of my own house.

Thank goodness the guy had enough decency to avoid eye contact and quietly retreat back into his house.

They say running with scissors is dangerous…

As much as I value multitasking, it does have its drawbacks.

Like that one time I tripped and went flying down the stairs with a toothbrush in my mouth, while carrying a box of Angry Birds Star Wars Band-Aids in the one hand and a jar of tea tree oil in the other.

The goal was to save time as I attempted to quickly bandage up one of the boys’ cut knees (or elbows or whatever the heck was bleeding at that precise moment), then hustle out the door for school, not add to the injury count. But c’est la vie, right?

The truck ate my pants

Our truck can be a challenge to get in and out of. Especially with no running boards to ease the whole entry/exit process.

One day, like any other day, I geared up for my graceful leap out of the parked vehicle.

But this time, I got caught on the seat belt retractor on the way down, and it tore the ass right out of my jeans.

Alllll the way down.

The only redeeming thing here is that it happened in my own driveway and not at some awkward public place.

Like work.

Or at school before a parent-teacher conference…

These in no way represent all of the mishaps I’ve ever experienced.

Not even close.

But if I kept track of them all…

Well, I think I’d run out of paper.

And sanity.

~Happy Friday, everyone! Hope you all have a terrific weekend!~

I also seem to put the "eh" in special.

I also seem to put the “eh” in special.