You know it’s going to be a great day when you get bitch-slapped by your own houseplants.
Seriously, the dumbest things imaginable somehow morph into reality wherever I go.
What can I say?
I’m a magnet for disaster.
Some days, it starts off with glass shattering all over the kitchen floor after attempting to whack a cup off a high shelf with a spatula.
Or spitting a mouthful of toothpaste into my own hair.
Or walking smack into the bathroom door in the middle of the night and giving myself a gushing nosebleed that keeps me awake until ten minutes before the alarm is set to go off.
Or the alarm clock going off when my arms, hands, and fingers are all asleep, so I numbly swat at the damn clock to silence it, until I am forced to resort to using my teeth when everything else fails.
Or knocking a bowl of blueberries out of the fridge and into the air, tripping over a lonesome shoe in the middle of the living room, and then falling flat on my face.
Or getting hit by the freezer door, microwave door, and car door.
All in the same day.
All I can say is, that’s way too much head-banging going on when there are simply not enough brain cells left to spare anymore.
For some Friday fun, I thought I’d share a few of my all-time most impressive moments.
(I laugh at myself all the time, so I’m cool with sharing a few laughs at my own expense.)
A pair with no sense of direction is a pair about to go on an unexpected adventure
Years ago, my brother and I were hanging out at my house a few weeks before my due date. I was suddenly overwhelmed with labor-like pains, and the poor guy was pretty much forced to drive me to the hospital.
Unfamiliar with the hospital and generally lacking any sense of direction, we ended up in the Psych Ward.
Of all places.
It turned out to be nothing more than false labor pains, but my brother stopped coming over until the threat of delivering a baby in the Psych Ward on his watch had long passed.
Attack of the killer vacuum
I laid the vacuum down on its side so the brush roll wouldn’t damage the hard flooring while I used the hose attachment to suck up mystery meal leftovers off the floor.
Next thing I knew, the vacuum decided to assert its dominance by latching onto my leg like a ravenous vampire, with the brush roll going round and round into my skin like little teeth.
It felt like rug burn, only more intense. And it left a really weird mark on my leg for weeks.
Because I have yet to learn my lesson…
One recent evening while the sun was still out, I stepped outside to water my plants.
In my pajamas.
With a mouthful of mouthwash, because I’m all about multitasking.
I looked out window first to make sure no one else was around, because who wants to be bothered with putting on respectable clothes just to water the plants?
But then my neighbor had the audacity to wander out into his own backyard right at that very moment.
Realizing I had been spotted, I added to the intensely awkward moment by unintentionally spitting mouthwash all over the brick on the side of my own house.
Thank goodness the guy had enough decency to avoid eye contact and quietly retreat back into his house.
They say running with scissors is dangerous…
As much as I value multitasking, it does have its drawbacks.
Like that one time I tripped and went flying down the stairs with a toothbrush in my mouth, while carrying a box of Angry Birds Star Wars Band-Aids in the one hand and a jar of tea tree oil in the other.
The goal was to save time as I attempted to quickly bandage up one of the boys’ cut knees (or elbows or whatever the heck was bleeding at that precise moment), then hustle out the door for school, not add to the injury count. But c’est la vie, right?
The truck ate my pants
Our truck can be a challenge to get in and out of. Especially with no running boards to ease the whole entry/exit process.
One day, like any other day, I geared up for my graceful leap out of the parked vehicle.
But this time, I got caught on the seat belt retractor on the way down, and it tore the ass right out of my jeans.
Alllll the way down.
The only redeeming thing here is that it happened in my own driveway and not at some awkward public place.
Or at school before a parent-teacher conference…
These in no way represent all of the mishaps I’ve ever experienced.
Not even close.
But if I kept track of them all…
Well, I think I’d run out of paper.
~Happy Friday, everyone! Hope you all have a terrific weekend!~
I also seem to put the “eh” in special.