Merry Gobble Gobble Day!

Turkeys totally love me!

It’s true.

As a vegetarian, I pose absolutely zero threat to those poor fellows.

But enough about that.

Let’s kick the day off with a little humor, shall we?

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(Even if he can’t pass for a ghost, he may at least be able to pass as an albino turkey. And who the heck wants to eat that?)

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(Um, hello!?! Surely the alarms in your turkey-brained head must be blaring by now!)

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(Sorry to break it to you, but sometimes the truth hurts.)

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(When you put it that way, it does sound more like a day at the spa, rather than the one-way ticket to inferno that it really is. But hey, enjoy that rubdown!)

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(Save your breath, little turkey. You couldn’t pay me enough to make me want to eat you. Consider it my early Christmas present to you.)

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(Bet that grass is looking like a pretty appealing option right about now.)

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(Sure, but don’t get too complacent. Traditions can change over time, you know.)

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(Presumably, eating and being stuffed from the other end are not exactly one and the same.)

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(I swear, the need for posting every single thing on social media can get a little out of hand sometimes. Find a better hobby, turkey! On second thought, don’t worry about that right now…)

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(Excellent point. Much like Columbus Day, Thanksgiving is yet another holiday of questionable origins.)

What exactly is it that we are celebrating, again?

Okay, okay.

Truly, Thanksgiving is a time to enjoy spending with family and friends, celebrating the multitude of reasons to be thankful, today and every day.

Because there are always reasons to be grateful in this life.

~Happy Thanksgiving, my friends! Hope you all have a wonderful day, whether you choose to celebrate with tofu or turkey. Or a Tofurky. I promise I won’t judge! ~

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Magical Motivation

Do you believe in magic?

Well, if you don’t want mass unicorn deaths on your hand, you best heed my advice:

Consider this a warning...

I tell ya, I am sick and tired of perfectly good food being wasted.

So I had to find a way to appeal to my youngest child’s sense of compassion for all of nature’s fine creatures.

Real or otherwise.

It’s not a mushy love note.

Short, sweet, and right to the point, it just states a simple fact.

A fact that may well be subject to opinion, but still.

I don’t care how old you are, killing mythological creatures is never cool.

So, for the love of God, shut up and eat your lunch.

A unicorn will thank you!

~Happy Friday! Hope you all have a magical weekend!~

Homer’s in the House!

The Dream Team is in the house!

The White House that is.

Fed up with politics?

I know my head is gonna explode if all the word vomit from both sides continues.

Enough, already!

And what is the deal with all these Back to the Future type of predictions coming true lately?

First the Cubs won the World Series.

(Yeah!)

And now…

Sixteen years after a Simpsons episode titled Bart to the Future had aired, where Lisa Simpson had become president – following a Donald presidency, in a seemingly far-fetched and highly satirical scenario…

Hmmm.

Well, it appears The Simpsons writer Dan Greaney had predicted the future.

On that note, I personally like the idea of the Simpsons in the White House.

That’s right, the Simpsons.

And I’m guessing many more in America would agree, seeing as how we’ve kept them as part of our families and households for well over two decades.

Sure, they’re all fictional characters.

But…

They’re the family everyone in America can feel great about!

I would’ve assigned Lisa Simpson Presidential honors, as was rightfully bestowed upon her in that episode, but if we’ve learned nothing else this week, it’s that this country isn’t quite ready for a female president.

Sorry, Lisa.

Maybe next time.

Anyway…

Presenting President Homer J. Simpson and his All-Star Presidential Cabinet, consisting of some of Springfield’s finest!

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Homer Simpson, President of the United States

Finally, a man of the people and for the people! Homer has promised to utilize donuts to promote world peace.  He brings with him numerous years of experience at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Sure, he can be lazy, incompetent, and downright dangerous at times, and also spends most of his waking hours getting wasted at Moe’s Tavern. But deep down, he’s not so bad.

flanders-vp Ned Flanders, Vice President

Though far from Homer’s favorite person, Homer’s advisers recommended his neighbor Flanders to balance out Homer’s outbursts and bouts of stupidity. Good-natured and mild-tempered, Flanders can help ease any situation Homer manages to land them in. He consistently upholds moral values with his honesty and the basic human decency that Homer tends to lack.
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Lisa Simpson, Department of State

As the only Simpson actually smart enough to be in the White House in the first place, Lisa is well-suited to handling diplomatic relationships. An over-achieving member of Mensa, she values morals, intelligence, and challenges. In the event that Homer’s gifts of endless donuts do not have universal translation resulting in immense gratitude, her diplomatic skills will be put to good use.

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Montgomery Burns, Department of Treasury

Mr. Burns is the insanely wealthy and influential owner and manager of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. He’s also been Homer Simpson’s boss for years. But now the tables have turned, so this ought to be interesting. At any rate, he’s greedy. Very greedy, as a matter of fact. He’ll have no problem collecting hefty taxes from everyone.

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Nelson Muntz, Department of Defense

Who better for this position than the school yard bully? Nelson has a gift of showing up in awkward situations of misfortune,  always just in time to point, humiliate, and laugh with his trademark “Ha ha!” He’s been known to beat up kids much larger than himself. Homer’s advisers deemed this a highly desirable quality, so Nelson was unanimously voted into the Cabinet.

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Clarence Wiggum, Department of Justice

As head of the Springfield Police Department, Chief Wiggum has done an exceptional job of embodying the stereotypical overweight, donut-loving police officer. He’s incompetent and indecent, and public safety isn’t a strong point of his either, but Homer’s advisers believe it’s adequate enough to be sufficient.

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Maggie Simpson, Department of the Interior

Despite being a baby, Maggie is possibly the most mature member of the Simpson family. While this department handles the conservation of our land, some people are saying that global warming isn’t real in the first place. This reasoning led Homer to conclude that the world can probably take care of its own land just fine. Which means even a baby could handle this job. Let’s just leave it at that.

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Moe Szyslak, Department of Agriculture

As the owner of Moe’s Tavern, he’s a natural fit. He knows plenty about beer, and beer comes from wheat. Makes perfect sense. A good fit indeed. Well, aside from the fact that he often tends to be irritable and rude. Come to think of it, he’s a rather crappy business owner. But he was hand-picked for this job by his buddy Homer. Good enough!

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Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Department of Commerce

As the owner of Kwik-E-Mart, Apu has ample business sense.He is a dutiful worker, and is generally polite towards all of his customers, always thanking them for their patronage. Hell, he even says thank you to his armed robbers. At any rate, Apu will work wonders for our nation’s economy. “Thank you! Come again!”

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Dr Julius Hibbert, Department of Health and Human Services

Dr. Hibbert, unlike most other citizens of Springfield, is actually competent. And seemingly less dysfunctional, too. Sure, he laughs at inappropriate moments, but at least he can find a reason to laugh in almost any situation. That, surely, is a virtue. Unless he’s laughing at a patient. In which case, that’s (probably) just plain rude.

barneyBarney Gumble, Department of Housing and Urban Development

The Springfield town drunk, Barney is Homer Simpson’s best friend. He is a  frequent customer at Moe’s. In fact, it seems he has little time for anything else. However, since the HUD works on national housing needs by helping poorer families qualify to buy houses, Barney is the perfect candidate to relate to his clients, as he’s likely poor himself. Especially with as much time and money as he spends at the bar.

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Otto Mann, Department of Transportation

He drives like a maniac, and kids think he’s pretty awesome. A former school underachiever who now works as the bus driver for Springfield Elementary, Otto is well-versed in fast (if not exactly) safe transportation. Duuuuude…

 

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Waylon Smithers, Department of Energy

As Mr. Burns’ personal assistant, executive, and self-proclaimed best friend, Smithers begged to be part of Homer’s presidential cabinet, just to be close to Mr. Burns. For his part, he probably does have some level of interest in energy, especially after years of service at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.

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Seymour Skinner, Department of Education

The not-so-well loved Principal Skinner would probably do an acceptable job in this department, in spite of the lousy and scathing recommendation from his own mother. He is the stereotypical educational bureaucrat. Between inadequate resources, apathetic teachers, and unenthusiastic students, he is in a constant struggle to maintain control. Skinner will undoubtedly have his work cut out for him.

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Abe Simpson, Department of Veterans Affairs

Grampa Simpson is a senile World War II veteran who had previously resided in the Springfield Retirement Castle, prior to his arrival at the White House. In spite of his rambling and inaccurate stories and general incompetence, his experience should be an asset in relating well to fellow veterans.

 

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Krusty the Clown, Department of Homeland Security

Truth be told, Krusty doesn’t know a whole hell of a lot about security. However, he is hardened after being down on his luck so many times, and besides, people find clowns to be scary. This quality alone will serve as a major asset in the security department. It should be noted that this will be a team effort, as Sideshow Bob has graciously agreed to continue on as Krusty’s scary-ass sidekick. And everyone knows that Sideshow Bob is just a tad bit on the…shall we say… rough side. Watch out!

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William MacDougal, Department of Labor

Who better to know about labor than the irritable, yet hard-working janitor Groundskeeper Willie?  As head groundskeeper at Springfield Elementary School, Willie is both incompetent and temperamental. Oh, and he has a drinking problem, too. Nonetheless, he rounds out Homer Simpson’s elite Presidential Cabinet.

After reading the descriptions of all the different cabinet positions, I’ve realized something.

Lisa Simpson could probably do every single one of these jobs exceptionally well.

Only problem is, she isn’t actually real.

D’oh!

Oh, well.

The bottom line is this:

If we want world peace, we need common ground.

And donuts are something we can all agree on.

There are even gluten-free and sugar-free varieties, so nobody will ever be excluded or feel discriminated against again.

Go, President Homer!

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This fine White House model was a product of my overactive imagination. I gotta say, the First Family has never looked so good.

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

The Black Sox.

The Great Bambino.

The Billy Goat.

What do these three things have in common?

Well, for starters, all three are associated with extraordinarily cursed Major League Baseball teams.

And…

After this past Wednesday, the last of these three teams have finally managed to break their curses.

After only 108 years, the Curse of the Billy Goat is finally broken!

Just like it had been predicted in Back to the Future II, only off by a year, with its 2015 win prediction.

(Actually, this discrepancy can probably be accounted for by the baseball strike of 1994.)

Not too shabby.

Anyway…

The Chicago Cubs managed to beat out the Cleveland Indians in game 7, in an epic 10 inning roller coaster ride.

And so it is the Cleveland Indians themselves who now hold the record for the longest World Series dry streak, as they have not managed to win since 1948.

That’s right, a mere 68 years of not winning now puts them atop the longest championship drought in MLB.

Congratulations, Indians!

You may not have gotten the ultimate prize of a World Series win, but you now hold another equally prestigious record!

No?

Okay, fine.

Maybe your team is finally next in line for the big win.

It could happen.

Just take a look at these other teams who managed to (eventually) break the curses bestowed upon them long ago:

For the 1919 World Series, featuring The Chicago White Sox vs the Cincinnati Reds, it was believed that the series had been thrown by Shoeless Joe Jackson and seven of his teammates.

All eight of those young men supposedly received $5,000 a piece in exchange for allowing a Reds Victory.

All eight of those young men, including Shoeless Joe Jackson, were subsequently banned for life after the 1920 season.

The Chicago White Sox didn’t see another World Series victory for 87 years, when they finally managed to win again in 2005.

Now here’s a thought…

If Shoeless Joe didn’t need the money so desperately, he probably would’ve been decked out in the coolest kicks of the early 1900s, instead of putzing around barefoot.

Can you really blame the guy?

Oh well.

What matters now is that the Black Sox scandal curse is now a thing of the past.

On to the Great Bambino.

When Babe Ruth got sold off to the New York Yankees in 1919, the Boston Red Sox had already won 5 World Series titles, while the Yankees hadn’t won a single one.

Division aside, no wonder this rivalry is so strong.

Who would’ve guessed that the stumbling drunken Babe Ruth would be such a hot commodity?

He would show up to games drunk, and his physique was proof that fitness obviously wasn’t much of a prerequisite in athletics back in the day.

But man, he could hit a ball!

Oh, and he apparently dropped a curse, to boot.

An 83 year championship drought ensued, as the Red Sox didn’t win another one until 2004, by which time the Yankees had racked up 26 of their 27 World Series wins.

Proof that karma can be such a bitch sometimes.

Moving right along…

During the 1945 World Series, where the Chicago Cubs faced off against the Detroit Tigers, Cubs fan Billy Sianis (owner of the Billy Goat Tavern) came to the game with his pet goat.

Just like he’d done at every other game, all year long.

But this time around, people around him complained about the goat’s smell and Sianis was more or less told by Wrigley officials to either take the goat away or get out.

He ended up leaving and sending a telegram to the Cubs, reportedly declaring, “Them Cubs, they aren’t gonna win no more.”

The Cubs proceeded to lose the next three games in the series to the Detroit Tigers, and so Sianis sent Wrigley a telegram asking “Who smells now?”

Since then, the Cubs’ sad, sad legacy has become legendary, coming close but never winning (or even reaching) the Series.

Until just a few days ago.

Finally!

Come on, guys.

Was this nonsense really worth a drought that lasted more than a century?

Nobody should have had to go an entire lifetime without their favorite team winning at least once.

In the future, just let all the pet goats, pigs, cows, zebras, giraffes, and hippos in.

It’s simply not worth the risk!

Besides, how could they have been so sure that it was the goat they were smelling, and not some stinky teenager?

Have you ever taken a whiff of a teenage boy’s bedroom?

I rest my case.

(Side note: There’s clearly something about Chicago. Not only had both Chicago baseball teams been jinxed, but so have the NFL Chicago Bears, what with the correlation of the disbanding of the Honey Bears cheerleaders in 1985 and the fact that the Bears haven’t won a Super Bowl since. Very interesting, indeed.)

Now, let’s get back to those Cleveland Indians:

The Cleveland Indians are known for their Curse of Rocky Colavito, which supposedly prevents the Indians from winning.

Its origin is traced back to the trade of right fielder Rocky Colavito to the Detroit Tigers in 1960, in general manager Frank Lane’s attempt to end Colavito’s salary demands.

While the Indians won the American League championship in 1995, 1997, and 2016, they ended up losing all three World Series.

In fact, they haven’t won a single World Series since 1948.

For his part, Colavito has denied placing the curse.

And so the curse continues, only with the Cleveland Indians now proudly holding the new dry streak record in MLB.

With the Cubs finally breaking free from the confines of a cursed past, the longest championship drought in professional sports now officially belongs to:

Drumroll, please…

The NFL’s Arizona Cardinals! 

The Cardinals’ drought dates back to Chicago. They won the NFL championship in 1947, when they had beaten the Philadelphia Eagles 28-21.

And they haven’t won since.

They had moved from Chicago to St. Louis and St. Louis to Arizona, and still managed to go decades without any postseason success.

You see, the poor Cardinals have been suffering a curse at the hands of the citizens of Pottsville, Pennsylvania for undeservedly claiming the 1925 NFL championship from the Pottsville Maroons.

The Maroons were stripped of their title by the NFL in one of the greatest controversies in sports history, and the curse will supposedly only be lifted when the championship is returned to Pottsville and to the “correct shade of red” team.

Alrighty, then.

Interestingly enough, Arizona finally made it to Super Bowl XLIII in 2007, when they managed to lose to another Pennsylvania team: the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The Arizona Cardinals were all poised to win… but with less than a minute left in the game, a Steelers touchdown instantly crushed their hopes and dreams.

Congratulations, Cardinals, on being #1!

What an honor!

Ok.

So it may not exactly be the most coveted list to top, but there’s now plenty of proof that any and all curses can be broken… dead spirits and ejected goats be damned.

You’re up, Cardinals! Now just don’t blow it…again!

Congratulations, Chicago Cubs! 108 years of crappy luck is finally over!

Congratulations, Chicago Cubs! 108 years of crappy luck is finally over!