Odds of a renegade vending machine toppling over and crushing you to death: 1 in 112 million.

Odds of a lefty dying from improper use of right-handed products: 1 in 4.4 million.

Odds of getting injured by a musical instrument: 1 in 8,000.

It takes just one.

One attempt, one blunder, one horrifying misfortune.

One time of belligerently assaulting the wrong vending machine that took your last dollar and then sadistically withheld your Snickers bar before sending you off to eternal celestial bliss.

One time of using a right-handed box cutter against your better judgement and awkwardly hacksawing a crater-sized gash through your own wrist.

One time of succumbing to a fit of sneezes, then subsequently impaling yourself with a sissy little flute.

If you play the lottery, you’ll understand this phenomenon.

The phenomenon that strikes fear into the iciest of hearts.

The fear that the one time you didn’t play- you know, when you were bedridden with pneumonia- was the one time your “lucky” numbers were finally drawn.

On the record jackpot day in history.

Odds of going back to work the next morning: 1 in 1.

So much for that.

The odds of winning the Powerball Jackpot: 1 in 292,201,338.

The odds of winning the Mega Millions Jackpot: 1 in 258,890,859

Not particularly promising.

Even so…

What if you’re missing a golden opportunity by not playing every single game, every single day?

Can you really afford not to play all 18 gazillion lottery games?

Powerball, Mega Millions, All or Nothing, Fantasy Five, Lucky for Life, Wild Card, Keno…

Oh, the madness.

What if, what if???

And what about scratch tickets?

Diamond 7, Trucks and Bucks, Lucky Gems, Triple Payout, Lucky 7s, Cool 9s, Bingo…

How can you sleep at night? All those opportunities you could be missing?!?

What if your lucky lottery numbers really do get drawn on a day you didn’t play?

What then?

Did it ever occur to you that it may have been your one and only chance?

Does lightning strike twice?

Odds of getting struck twice by lightning: 1 in 9 million.

Which is considerably higher than hitting the jackpot.

But still.

What if?

Will you be relegated to a life of misery?

Should you just accept defeat and pick new unlucky lucky numbers?

You know…

Lottery is technically a form of gambling.

So why the hell not just move to Vegas, you addict?

And may the odds be ever in your favor.

On second thought, you’re probably not that lucky.

In spite of the dismal odds, winning the lottery is still on my to-do list.