The 12 Days of Crazed Christmas Coercions

1) You really think you’ve been good enough to even receive coal!?! Ha!

2) Define “good.”

3) I told Santa you thought you’ve been good this year. He cracked a rib laughing.

4) One word for you: Krampus.

5) Santa is watching. Well yeah, I guess technically that means Krampus is watching, too…

6) Fine. Be naughty. Santa would be more than happy to save himself a trip!

7) The moment you stop believing is the moment you start receiving socks and underwear. Just remember that!

8) No, I’m not sure why Santa likes cookies so much. Yes, he is a “big dude.”

9) No, we will not create a special chimney for Santa. He can go through the front door like every other respectable human being.

10) Sorry, no. Putting you in time out will not cement my place alongside you on the naughty list.

11) One more word and we’ll pack up your toys and donate them all to kids in need. Seriously, knock it off! Or we’ll donate you, too.

12) Yeah, I know you’re having visions of sugar plums. Visions of throwing them at my head, perhaps? (C’mon. We all know nobody actually eats those things)

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Even Santa needs a break sometimes. Do him a favor, would ya?

Even Santa needs a break sometimes. Do him a favor, would ya?

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A Highly Dysfunctional Hillbilly Christmas Playlist

Who doesn’t love a good parody? I know I certainly do. So I decided to put a slight spin on some of the traditional classics to create a more modern Christmas playlist.

1) Santa Claus ain’t Coming to this Town

2) Angels We Have Heard are High

3) Feliz Navi-D’oh!

4) O Come All Ye Ungrateful

5) Here Come Satan’s Claws

6) O Holy Fright

7) Jingle Hell Rock

8) Frosty the Know-it-all Man

9) All I Want for Christmas is Juice

10) Santa Got Run Over by a Bulldozer (for Having the Audacity to Put Me on the Naughty List)

11) Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (in Timeout!)

12) The Twelve Days of Excessive Greed

13) Deck the Brother/Wife/Neighbor

14) Black and Blue Christmas

15) I Saw Mommy Chasing Santa Claus (out of the Trailer with a Shotgun)

16) Holy Crap! The Herald Angels Shriek

17) Do You Hear What I Hear? (Sirens again?!?)

18) You’re a Mean One, Mr. Police Officer

19) It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like the Aftermath of an Apocalypse

20) Where are You Christmas? (No, really. Where the heck are you?)

Way to totally sleigh ( I mean, slay) a Christmas classic.

Way to totally sleigh ( I mean, slay) a Christmas classic.

Wreaking Havoc- The Holiday Edition

Verbatim from a December 2014 entry in The Journal of Quirky Girl, the following incident of pre-holiday mayhem earned a special place in the Funnier in Retrospect category.

This morning was like something out of a deranged comedy.

It started off with my son declaring it “A  Horrible Day” after accidentally spilling his cup of apple juice all over himself and pretty much everything else in the kitchen  during breakfast.

And then it got better.

When we piled into the car to go to school, my child was still alternately sulking/ranting over what a bad day it was.

Distracted, I backed out of the garage too quickly.

The passenger mirror smashed into a million pieces after colliding with the side of the garage, knocking the garage door off its track.

The shattered mirror dangled lifelessly by a wire.

Thoroughly  distraught, we hopped into the truck. The car would have to be dealt with later.

As we backed out of the driveway, the truck’s massive tires took out the candy cane Xmas lights I had spent hours putting up the day before. Flattened and crushed like roadkill.

Ho ho ho, into the trash they go.

“It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” was playing on the radio.

And so the day had begun…

The title pretty much sums it up.

The title pretty much sums it up.

~Comically Quirky is finally on Twitter! Follow me: @comicallyquirky . Thanks!!!~

Breakfast of the Excessively Happy

Some call it dessert.

Others call it breakfast.

And really, why the hell not?

After all, people eat pizza for breakfast and pancakes for dinner all the time.

And hot chocolate whenever the mood strikes, for that matter.

Yeah, I’m not really grasping the issue here.

The way I see it, why not set yourself up for success by starting off the day in a good mood?

If it’s a workday, you probably need all the help you can get, anyway.

Especially when Irish coffee simply isn’t an option.

So go ahead.

As Marie Antoinette (or more likely, Jean-Jacques Rousseau) allegedly declared:

“Let them eat cake.”

Sounds good to me!

Don't give me that "What's the occassion?" nonsense.

Don’t give me that “What’s the occasion?” nonsense.