A No Man’s Land Anniversary

In honor of my one and a half year anniversary of living in No Man’s Land, here’s a brief update on my progression of half-assed assimilation:

  • I still don’t eat meat. I’ve been a vegetarian for far too long, and having real live cows, horses, and donkeys as neighbors has only reinforced my beliefs a hundred times over.
  • I still don’t care for the horribly maintained country roads. It may well be a smoother ride meandering through town on a three-legged donkey than chancing some of the brain-rattling roads out here.
  • I still don’t like country music. I prefer to surround myself with things that actually make me happy. Depressing music that could easily coerce me into a dark corner to slit my wrists with a corkscrew on a cold and cloudy day? Ha! Like I don’t already have enough problems.
  • I still don’t like the eerie sound of tornado sirens. Or actual tornadoes. They’re a rather terrifying phenomenon that I can live without.
  • I still can’t believe the official state animal is not a skunk. I mean, seriously. Even a million tons of the state flower (whatever the heck that even  is) wouldn’t be enough to mask the breathtaking aroma of one of those suckers.

Okay, so none of this technically qualifies as progress, per se.

Wait a second!

There is a silver lining!

I recently surprised even myself by correctly identifying a lone donkey among a herd of cows.

This is huge. Just ask my realtor.

When my husband and I first came out house-hunting, I had mistaken a donkey for a horse in a nearby field.

To which my realtor responded, “Well, bless your heart!”

Which reminds me- I still don’t care for that phrase.

Don’t think for a moment I don’t “get” that sarcastic and condescending undertone just because I’m a New Yorker/Washingtonian/Arizonan.

Now if all y’all will excuse me, I reckon I need to find me one of them there donkeys and go down yonder.

(Hey, you have to at least give a girl credit for trying!)

Pretty sure this is a donkey...

Pretty sure this is a donkey…

Advertisements

Divine Intervention from the Underworld

Demolishing people with your vehicle is almost never a good idea.

But it could always be worse.

Or at least more ironic, at any rate.

After all, it’s not every day you see someone so forthcoming about their faith unwittingly endangering the lives of others.

I recently had the luxury of witnessing firsthand such a paradoxical event.

A car valiantly emblazoned with the virtues of Jesus narrowly missed plowing down a pedestrian while backing out of its parking space.

JESUS SAVES!

Or so the decal passionately proclaimed.

While drawing isn’t one of my numerous talents, I was inspired to recreate the scene of audacious irony for your entertainment utilizing the new photo editing software I received for Christmas.

On a side note, I highly doubt this is what my husband had in mind when he bought me that software, but hey, I’m putting it to good use!

Hmmm…

I feel like I’m forgetting some important detail here.

Oh, right.

The vigilant pedestrian ran like hell out of harm’s way in a timely enough manner, in case you were wondering.

Anyway…

Stay safe, and watch out for the Devil in Disguise. (Sorry, Elvis.)

But seriously, watch your back.

Better keep running, buddy.

Better keep running, buddy.

Tell Me No Lies

I had time to kill, as I waited for the bell to ring.

A long overdue heart to heart chat with an old childhood friend was decidedly in order.

And so the questions began.

Will I win the lottery this week?

Cannot predict now.

Will I be happy this year?

Don’t count on it.

(Ouch.)

Will we go on an amazing vacation this year?

It is decidedly so.

Will I be famous someday?

Outlook good.

(I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this.)

Will I win the lottery?

As I see it, yes.

Will my writing career blossom this year?

It is certain.

(Whew!)

Will I get run over by a tractor?

Outlook good.

Will I get mauled by a bear?

Most likely.

(Good God.)

Is the sky orange?

Signs point to yes.

Will I win the lottery this year?

You may rely on it.

(I’m liking the consistency on this one.)

Will the Cubs ever win the World Series again?

Without a doubt.

(Cubs fans, rejoice!)

Will I get sucked up by a tornado?

Outlook not so good.

(Way to burst my bubble.)

Should I buy a pet dolphin?

My sources say no.

(Damn it!)

Will Donald Trump be our next President?

Cannot predict now.

Will Hillary Clinton be our next President?

Reply hazy. Ask again later.

Will Homer Simpson be our next President?

Signs point to yes.

(Would that really be such a bad thing?)

Will I be stuck in No Man’s Land for a while?

Better not tell you now.

Will I get kicked by a cow?

Without a doubt.

Will I ever see a real, live unicorn?

Outlook good.

(Ha! In your face, doubters!)

Am I going to Hell?

Cannot predict now.

(Fair enough.)

Will 2016 be my best year yet?

Very doubtful.

Will 2016 at least be a good year?

You may rely on it.

Will I win the lottery?

It is decidedly so.

(And there you have it.)

The car door swings open and jolts me from my thoughts.

“Why are you talking to my Magic 8 Ball?” my older son asks.

“Because I need help, buddy. I need lots of help,” I tell him.

After all, the sky is orange, Homer Simpson is about to become our next president, and I’m in danger of being mauled by a bear in the very near future.

Clearly, I need all the help I can get.

But it’s okay.

I’ll soon be able to get the best help money can buy… once I win the lottery.

The Magic 8 Ball told me so!

But what if I can't handle the truth?

But what if I can’t handle the truth?

A Little Motivation

Even though my boys are getting older, I still like to surprise them  from time to time with encouraging notes in their lunch bags.

A little motivation goes a long way, ya know? 😀

One of my recent creations. If this isn't motivating, I don't know what is.

One of my recent creations. If this isn’t motivating, I don’t know what is.

Happy New Year!

Happy 2016!

Here’s to a New Year filled with happiness, health, and more humor than humanly possible.

Fellow blogger friends, thanks for all your support, and for being part of Comically Quirky’s very first year.

Stay tuned. The best is yet to come!

Much love,
Quirky Girl

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!