Expressions of Gratitude

Adiós! Au revoir! Arrivederci!

It’s the best time of the year for parents and their children.

And most especially their poor, beat down and worn out teachers.

School is (almost) out for the summer!

What a relief that is, let me tell ya.

No more homework.

No more last-minute projects.

And most importantly…

No more dreaded phone calls from teachers/principals/concerned administrative staff about borderline acceptable human conduct from the little darlings.

What’s not to love about the end of the school year?

But if you’re like me, you probably feel a sense of obligation to thank all these people for putting up with your sweet angels for a whopping 180 days without resorting to diving head-first off a cliff.

So I decided to create little gifts for all of the teachers and staff members who have had the, uh, pleasure of working with my boys throughout the year.

Through brainstorming, I came up with some decent possibilities:

  • Dart boards of the latest class photo
  • Piñatas (to vent a year’s worth of pent-up aggression)
  • Chocolate ( a timeless classic, but not very innovative)
  • Gift cards to local liquor store
  • Counseling/Therapy Sessions
  • World’s Okayest Teacher paraphernalia from the World’s Okayest Mom

I also browsed the web for other ideas, and in my quest for finding the perfect gift idea, I came across some real gems.

Like the I teach, therefore I drink wine goblet.

And a Chill Pills colorful candy jar.

And a pencil thong pouch.

(You read that right. Seriously, a thong-shaped pouch for… pencils. For your child’s teacher. Because that’s not weird or anything.)

But among the truly absurd, I found a real winner.

“Our child might be the reason you drink, so enjoy this bottle on us!” 

The world’s most perfect sentiment ever, in the form of a customized wine label.

Bulls-eye!

Seriously, is this not the best concept ever for a teacher gift?

Now if only gifts of alcohol weren’t so highly frowned upon.

Yeah, back to the drawing board…

I probably ought to be handing these out like candy.

I probably ought to be handing these out like candy.

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The Logic of Lisa

She isn’t cool like Bart, adorable like Maggie, or tolerant like Marge.

Or half-baked like Homer.

She may not be the most charismatic or even overly likable, for that matter.

But you’ve got to admit, she has more brain cells than Bart, Maggie, Marge, and Homer.

Collectively.

Lisa Simpson: the vegetarian, overachieving, saxophone-playing middle child.

And boy, does she have sarcasm down to an art.

She’s a total smart-ass. Deadpanning is as much her strength as her intelligence.

Presenting ten of Lisa’s finest moments of sassy and witty wisdom:

lisa simpson not a frown

(I do believe this is the new politically correct term for Not Happy.)

(lisa simpson romance dead

(Hence the term Hallmark Holiday. No moolah equals no love, don’t ya know?)

lisa simpson popular girl

(I know, I know. Life is sooo unfair.)

lisa simpson words of encourage

( Homer and Marge have been trying for years to be slightly-better-than-totally-horrible parents.)

lisa simpson goody two shoes

(Proof that even those Goody Two Shoes have skeletons in their closets.)

lisa simpson envy and help

(If this isn’t the World’s Most Perfect Family, I’m at a total loss.)

lisa simpson psychiatrist

(Surely just a minor drawback of being part of a dysfunctional family.)

lisa simpson pain and drudgery

(Depressing, yes. But also poignantly true.)

lisa simpson book n beers

(She’s obviously referencing Homer, not me. Hey, I don’t even like beer!)

lisa simpson silent fool

(My personal favorite. Attributed to both Abraham Lincoln and Mark Twain, I’m inclined to give Lisa full credit on this one.)

Lisa may not be as well-loved as some of the other Simpsons, but she does have redeeming qualities.

She’s passionate, she cares about the environment, and she actually has morals.

She rebels against societal norms, for goodness sake.

What’s not to love about that?

Yeah, I can definitely relate to Lisa Simpson.

After all, I am a fellow smart-ass and vegetarian, myself.

And…

I, too, have a few more brain cells than the average cartoon character.

~If you’re a fan of The Simpsons and enjoyed this post, please be sure to also check out The Wisdom of Homer. Happy Thursday!~

Happy Friday (the 13th)!

Everyone loves Friday!

Well, except when it’s that kind of Friday.

Oh yeah. Good ol’ Friday the 13th.

Did you know that an estimated 17 to 21 million people in the United States live in fear of this very date?

There’s even a word for this fear: friggatriskaidekaphobia.

(Frigg being the Norse goddess whom Friday is named for, and triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13.)

The good news is that Friday the 13th only takes place once this year.

It’s true, some horrendous events have occurred on Friday the 13th throughout history.

But consider this:

Every day has the potential to be a bad day.

Think about it.

Bad things can happen any time, even on the most festive, most cheerful days of the year.

Such a positive thought, I know.

But in all fairness…

On Valentine’s Day, you could get impaled by a freakishly thorny bouquet of roses.

Or burn the house down during an intimate candle lit dinner gone horribly wrong.

Or fall off a mile-high cliff during a romantic horseback ride on a disgruntled horse named Princess.

On Christmas, you could get crushed to death by a massive Christmas tree by reaching for a gift and knocking the whole tree off balance.

Or whack yourself in the crotch while shoveling your elderly neighbor’s driveway.

Or get crapped on by Santa’s feisty reindeer as they all fly away into the night.

I rest my  case.

Besides, who has time to lose sleep over a silly date on the calendar?

What you really ought to be worrying about is accidentally smashing a mirror into  millions of jagged pieces.

Or crossing paths with a satanic black cat who was undoubtedly put on this earth for the sole purpose of clawing your eyes out.

Or inadvertently stepping on crack that’s guaranteed to wipe out every last branch of your family tree, all because of your shameful carelessness.

So do yourself a favor and don’t go assuming the worst on this particular day, when Every.Single.Day has equal potential of being The. Worst. Day. Ever.

Look, it doesn’t hurt to wish upon a shooting star, if it makes you feel better.

But for the sake of humanity, leave that poor rabbit’s foot alone!

(Somebody needs to explain to me how a rabbit who met an unfortunate end could possibly be a source of luck and fortune to anyone else.)

Friday the 13th or not, it's a great day to celebrate.

Friday the 13th or not, it’s a great day to celebrate.

~Happy Friday! So what if it’s Friday the 13th? Choose to make it an awesome day!~

World’s Okayest Mom

I am the best mom, and I am the worst mom.

I am amazing, and I am far from exceptional.

I am strong, and I am a total wuss.

I am kind, and I am pure evil.

I am funny, and I am without a trace of humor.

I am your best friend, and I am your worst nightmare.

I know everything, and I know absolutely nothing.

I am not perfect. I am perfectly imperfect.

I am the World’s Okayest Mom.

In a world where too many strive for the very perfection that is only perfectly impossible, okay is sometimes, well…okay.

I’m not gonna lie. There are definitely times where my sweet, adorable boys drive me to drinking.

And if they were of legal age to drink, they’d probably be tempted to do the same after a long, hard day.

But since that isn’t an option for them, they demonstrate their frustration by peeing off the top of the staircase.

(Just kidding! I’m not raising a bunch of barn animals. Geez!)

In all seriousness, my boys are happy, compassionate, well-adjusted kids.

And that, my friends, is a fairly accurate indication that I must at least be doing something right.

Which is why I took the liberty of awarding myself this totally appropriate trophy.

Trust me, I've earned this honor.

Trust me, I’ve earned this honor.

~Happy Mother’s Day to all the marvelous moms out there! Your dedication and loyalty are truly commendable and deserve to be recognized and celebrated, 365 days a year!~