Bigly Bestest Anniversary

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Can you believe it? One year ago, I took over (oops, sorry Momma!) I mean, joined, Comically Quirky with my Tails ‘n’ Tweets series! Thank you all for being so awesome and supportive! Here’s to many, many more fun adventures together!

Yay! I'm so happy you're here!

Yay! I’m so happy you’re here!

~Happy Tuesday, friends! Whew! Time sure flies when you’re having so much fun!~

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Howling Halloween Hysterics

Trick or treat!

It’s almost Halloween!

Sure, candy is fun and all.

But humor is far more satisfying.

And less likely to make you puke.

So here we go:

(Gives new meaning to selling one’s soul for something, doesn’t it? Looks like candy might have some virtues after all.)

(The unfortunate unraveling of a mummy. Shouldn’t he know bathrooms are a dangerous place for fellows like him?)

(GPS is simply incapable of safely guiding people to their destinations. Even a flying witch isn’t exempt from crappy directions.)

(This one gets my vote for best themed costume idea in the least ideal setting.)

(A mind is not to be wasted, whether in your head or on your plate.)

(Consider it unintentionally decorating, if you must. It’s a fine way to embrace the mess!)

(Because you can never have too much of a good thing. Even if it means eating yourself sick.)

(Kids these days are so freaking hard to please. Perhaps a nice homemade blood-of-bat stew would suffice?)

(This is almost sad. Hey, I said almost. Geez!)

(It’s no secret kids can be every bit as destructive as termites.)

(Eye rolling. It’s not just for teenagers anymore.)

(While still taboo, pumpkin cannibalism is becoming an increasingly prevalent issue.)

(Aww! I mean… Augh! I am so very, very scared!)

~Happy Friday, friends! Have a great weekend, and a fun Halloween!~

Bigly Bestest Untraining

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Youngest owner decided to “train” me. Thought I was already well-trained, but his way is much more fun! I get to jump on beds, play with toys that aren’t even mine, and beg at the table! Poor Momma doesn’t look so happy, though…

Check out this cool slipper I dragged downstairs this morning! Yay me!

Check out this cool slipper I dragged downstairs this morning! Yay me!

~Happy Tuesday, friends! Kids can be so helpful sometimes… Just not necessarily in ways we might have in mind! ~

Crazy Candy Compulsion

Game Over?

What do you mean, game over?!?

Oh, it’s not like I’m lacking for things to do.

Quite the opposite, actually.

But you’d never know it with the way I’ve been procrastinating.

I’ve got laundry to sort through.

A dishwasher to empty.

Meals to prepare.

Floors to vacuum.

And an assortment of other tasks I’m legitimately forgetting…

Or choose to forget about.

It’s been raining every single day this week.

No sun + tons of rain = no motivation.

I’m behind on everything.

So why not take a break and play a round of Candy Crush?

Or maybe a few hundred rounds, while I’m at it.

Yikes.

I hadn’t played Candy Crush in years.

Yet, this week, I completed over 290 levels in just 3 days.

I don’t know whether to be proud or ashamed for allowing myself to get sucked into such a major time drain.

I might be in need of inspiration.

Or a nap.

But look at all those pretty colors!

It’s candy, for goodness sake!

Candy!

Besides, the game’s claim of “swiping stress away” is too appealing to pass up.

Ooh, look!

I just earned infinite lives!

For two hours only!

Must. Keep. Playing.

It’s rather unfortunate that domestic pursuits don’t motivate me more.

But no.

The curse of being an Undomestic Goddess.

And every level successfully completed rewards me with a declaration of Fantastical!

Which should, theoretically, make me feel good about myself.

Except for the fact that I can’t help but question the actual existence of any such word.

Fantastic, yes.

Fantastico, sure.

But fantastical?

Hmmm.

When all five of my lives are used up, it’s time to do…

Well, whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing that I clearly would rather not be doing.

Sure, I could buy more lives.

But I won’t.

The offer to buy a little extra “help” is just not that appealing.

I’m not necessarily arguing the fact that I need help.

But my guess is that isn’t the kind of help I probably need.

I rarely download games to my phone.

But I do still have a few on my Kindle.

I’ve been reading the same page of the same book over and over for the last two weeks on that very Kindle.

And Candy Crush was just kind of there

So I’m too distracted for distractions like reading.

But I can play for hours on something that’s meant to be played in short bursts.

Go figure.

Suffice it to say, my priorities are sorely lacking lately.

But I did manage to put up Halloween decorations.

And I also walked the dog during a lull from the rain.

So I managed to do something productive.

Oh, and I also scraped a sticky, melted wad of cherry Starburst out of the dryer.

Eww.

I may not excel at domestic things.

But at least my problem solving skills are still intact.

Maybe Candy Crush is good for something, after all…

~Happy weekend, friends! So… What’s your guilty time-wasting pleasure? Haha!~

Swipe the stress away, huh? It's not like I was doing anything productive, anyway...

Swipe the stress away, huh? It’s not like I was doing anything productive, anyway…

Bigly Bestest Royalty

@thebiglybestestdoggie: I need a throne of my own. And not one of those toilet things, either. I look regal with my chin high in the air, so why am I forced to sit on the floor like a lowly peasant? Fix this, plebeians! And rub my royal belly, while you’re at it.

King Jett... It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

King Jett… It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

~Happy Tuesday, friends! Whew! Jett is definitely not a fan of this sudden drop in temperature. Are you? Brrr!~

Friday Night Fumble

Is it over yet?

I mean…

Go team!!!

Yeah!!!

High school football.

It’s quite the production in The Lone Star State.

Even people without kids religiously attend every Friday night.

It’s that big a thing out here.

Hell, there’s even a 10 billion member marching band at every single game.

And the marching band is typically more fun to watch than the actual football game itself.

Sort of like the halftime show during The Super Bowl.

At eight dollars a ticket for the privilege of sitting on rock-hard metal bleachers for three to four hours, watching the clock move in slower motion than logically possible…

How could it be anything but exciting?

Right?

I personally pass the time alternately playing on my phone, staring in disbelief at my watch, and glancing at the score board.

But I’m sure some people are actually watching the game.

Probably.

What better way to spend a Friday night?

I mean, besides sleeping.

Never mind the fact that I have to get up at 3 am the next morning for work.

If I’m having such a blast, why do I keep going to these games, you might wonder?

Well, to support my amazing mascot, of course!

But at eight dollars a ticket…

I could go see a movie for that price.

Or at buy a great cocktail.

Especially after sitting on those sadistic ass-numbing, back-breaking bleachers.

Sure, it’d be more cost-effective to stay home in my pajamas, watching reruns on Netflix.

But I suppose it beats sitting at home.

Sometimes, at least.

Especially when things get really exciting.

Between evacuations, stampedes, and near-electrocutions, it has been a fairly exciting season so far.

Almost every home game has kicked off with a lightning evacuation.

During the very first quarter.

Which is especially thrilling when lightning menacingly illuminates the sky and rain comes pouring down in an attempt to recreate Noah’s Ark, right there in the middle of the football field.

The bleachers are at full capacity.

Of course.

Because everyone in town is at the game.

Did I mention the bleachers are metal?

And metal conducts electricity.

Which is ever-so-slightly concerning.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t enjoy high school football games enough to risk electrocution.

And so the stampedes begin.

Which is a rather refreshing break from some of those obnoxious, screeching, know-it-all fans.

Yeesh.

Perhaps this is why I never bothered to attend any games when I was in high school.

Nothing against school sports and all the good qualities they help foster.

But sometimes I wonder why I pay to get hit in the head with rogue balls at games where excessively vocal away team fans conduct themselves as though the home team had the audacity to cross into Oakland Raiders territory.

Yikes.

The things we do for our children.

We support our kids.

Even when it risks our last remaining thread of sanity.

Because our kids will always remember that we were there for them.

Especially if we embarrass the hell out of them with our mere presence.

Because embarrassment and support apparently go hand in hand.

Go team, go!

Woooo!!!

~Happy Friday, friends! Have a great weekend!~

It's Friday night! Um, yay?

It’s Friday night! Um, yay?

Bigly Bestest Ponderings

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Why is the sky blue? Why is my ball so far away? Why can’t I have a big bag of yummy treats for breakfast? And why, oh why, is nobody rubbing my glorious belly?

~Happy Tuesday, friends! Apparently, a few belly rubs and some doggie treats go a long way in the world of dogs! Life’s little pleasures, right?~

Motivation for Turbulent Times

Some days, we just need an extra dose of humor to compensate for life’s crappy challenges.

Some days..

Some weeks…

Hell, even some months…

Yeah.

So here’s a bit of humorous inspiration for anyone who could use a little boost right about now.

(Have you ever seen a sad Cookie Monster? Case in point. Now go eat a cookie and cheer up.)

(If you believe passionately enough, you might soar higher than you ever thought possible! But you might want to put on a cape first, just to be on the safe side…)

(Much like the brain, utilizing one’s entire ass is twice as impactful as using half of it. It’s gotta be all ass or no ass. There’s no in between. Speaking of asses…)

(Butt prints are sooo unflattering. So get up and make amazing things happen!)

(If you do nothing else today, do this one little thing. Talk about an adrenalizing mood booster!)

(They say you can’t keep doing things the exact same way and expect different results. Right? I mean, left…?)

(I’ll be the first to admit, I hate to lose. Hate, hate, hate it. This is where having a warped sense of humor comes in handy.)

(To quote the great Homer Simpson, “Shut up brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-tip!”)

(But seriously, it can kill you if you’re not careful. So be smart and use your brain. You know, the same one you just stabbed with a Q-tip. Whoops!)

(Plants need sunlight to thrive and grow. So do human beings. Without sunlight, we wither like shriveled prunes. So step outside and get your daily dose of mood boosting vitamin D.)

(Amen to that.)

(If all else fails, always remember this one thing: you’re awesome. Because I said so. Enough said.)

~Have a great weekend, friends! Smile, laugh, and always look for that elusive silver lining.~

Bigly Bestest Crafty Helper

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Momma loves it when I help with her projects! Sure, I might accidentally plop down on a stack of photos or roll my ball across the paper cutter, but my irresistible adorableness always keeps me out of trouble!

World's most adorably helpful doggie, at your service!

World’s most adorably helpful doggie, at your service!

~Happy Tuesday, friends! Everything is way more fun with a terrific helper like Jett!~