Marginal New Year’s Motivation

Happy New Year!

Speaking of the new year…

I don’t have any New Year’s resolutions.

And I’m far too exhausted from all the, uh, fun and excitement of 2017 to make any.

But anyway, here are a dozen hilariously motivating and inspirational pieces of New Year’s resolution advice to help start the year off with a bang:

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(Having realistic goals and expectations helps start the new year off right and prevents instant failure two days in to the year.)

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(That’s the spirit! Way to embrace your amazing self, imperfections and all.)

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(If you make any resolutions at all this year, this ought to be it.)

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(This is a great way to take the pressure off. If you succeed in somehow bettering yourself, great. If you don’t, nothing lost. It’s a win-win!)

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(Go big or go home, right? So why not aim to fail in the grandest of manners?)

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(Ah, so that’s what all the fuss is about? A week-long To Do list? When you look at it that way, it really doesn’t sound so daunting.)

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(What a terrific idea! Everything about it has the makings of a successful business concept.)

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(For those of you with kids, it is imperative to set goals that are practical, attainable, and won’t drive you to drinking in the event of miserly defeat.)

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(Nothing beats the feeling of knowing that all your friends are rooting for your failure. Oh well. Who needs them, anyway? The resolutions, that is. Not the friends. Friends are good. Well, mostly.)

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(Some of us struggle with being able to identify realistic goals. It happens. Fortunately, there’s always someone who’s eager to help set the record straight.)

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(Hey! Being a smart-ass is a talent, not a bad vice that needs to be obliterated. Geez!)

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(Now this I can handle! Being awesome is…well, awesome! Always choose to be awesome.)

Whether or not you made any resolutions for 2018, just remember this:

Stay positive, keep smiling, and always try to find the humor in whatever life throws your way.

~Happy Friday, friends! Best wishes for a bright 2018!~

(Marginal New Year’s Motivation originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 12/30/16)

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So Long, 2017!

And so another year comes to a close.

Whew!

Where has the time gone?

Oh, wait.

I know.

As my oldest child would say…

Down the toilet.

Yeah.

Sounds about right.

Like any other year, there have been ups and downs.

But with any luck, the highs have more than balanced out the lows.

That seems to be the key to maintaining one’s sanity.

More or less.

But sanity is overrated.

So if 2017 wasn’t your personal best, fret not.

2018 is waiting right around the corner with the promise of a brighter year.

Let’s usher in the upcoming year with a bit of humorous inspiration from Mark Twain, shall we?

“New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”

Ah, yes.

Sounds like a mighty fine plan, indeed!

~Quirky Girl and The Bigly Bestest Doggie would like to take this opportunity to wish all our wonderful friends a bright, fantastic, and prosperous 2018! Let’s make it amazing!~

Oh, hi there! Hey, wait a second! It's not time for Tuesday Tails 'n' Tweets yet... is it?

Oh, hi there! Hey, wait a second! It’s not time for Tuesday Tails ‘n’ Tweets yet… is it?

Bigly Bestest First Christmas

@thebiglybestestdoggie: OMG! Santa came! OMG! I made the Nice List! Even after I accidentally chewed up part of that gingerbread house on Christmas Eve! I AM a good doggie! OMG! OMG!!!

~Happy Tuesday, friends! Jett certainly enjoyed his first Christmas in the crazy Quirky household. Hope you all had a wonderful holiday, too!~

Reindeer Games

‘Twas the week before Christmas, and all through Santa’s workshop,

The reindeer were busy plotting mischief and mayhem.

It’s true, Santa gets most of the glory.

But what about those hard-working reindeer?

They shoulder the bulk of the burden, carrying the weight of Santa and his gazillion tons of toys all around the world in a single night.

That’s no small feat, and it’s little wonder those creatures love their reindeer games so much.

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(The jolly ol’ dude’s weight has always been a delicate topic, but the reindeer aren’t known for their diplomacy.)

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(Hauling Santa’s donut-shoveling corpse around is more strenuous than hauling 386 sacks of toys at once.)

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(A GPS can only get you so far, especially when the reindeer have been tampering with it. While this mishap may not be the best example of a good time for all, it probably breaks up the monotony of  a long night.)

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(Who can blame these reindeer for wanting to make the most of this opportunity for mischief? Although frankly, I’m surprised Santa doesn’t get himself stuck every single time he crams himself down one of those things.)

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(Reindeer work hard and deserve a break! Which evidently involves partying hard and accidentally impaling Santa’s elves…)

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(Modern technology has done wonders in taking a huge load off Santa’s back.)

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(I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the… oops, the sky is the other direction! Well, so much for that…)

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(While the burden of hauling a five billion-ton sleigh falls on the reindeer, Santa gets his workout by sucking it all in and repeatedly diving in and out of strangers’ chimneys in the middle of the night.)

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(Your reindeer are begging you to put that donut down! In the spirit of the holidays, don’t be such a glutton!)

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(In such a role reversal, do the reindeer now hop out of the sleigh to slide down chimneys and deliver the toys? Or does Santa still have to do that, in addition to his newly assigned duty of pulling the sleigh?)

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(This is one of the sounds of the season, surely?)

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(Hey, if the shoe fits… Ho, ho, hole! Merry Christmas!)

~Happy Saturday, friends! Have a fantastic weekend, and a very Merry Christmas!~

(Reindeer Games originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 12/16/16)

Bigly Bestest Christmas Dilemma

@thebiglybestestdoggie: It’s almost Christmas! Santa Reindeer Doggie told me I’m probably on the Nice List. Unless I’ve been a bad doggie. Does giving sweet hugs and tearing my toys to shreds make me a good doggie or a bad doggie? So confused…

~The Bigly Bestest Doggie would like to wish all his wonderful friends here on Comically Quirky a very Merry Christmas!~

A Highly Dysfunctional Hillbilly Christmas Playlist

Who doesn’t love a good parody?

I know I certainly do.

So I decided to put a slight spin on some of the traditional classics to create a slightly more, uh… modern Christmas playlist.

With catchy titles like these, they’re bound to be instant classics!

Presenting:

A Highly Dysfunctional Hillbilly Christmas Playlist!

1) Santa Claus Ain’t Coming to This Town

2) Angels We Have Heard Are High

3) Feliz Navi-D’oh!

4) O Come All Ye Ungrateful

5) Santa Got Run over by a Bulldozer (for Having the Audacity to Put Me on the Naughty List)

6) Here Come Satan’s Claws

7) O Holy Fright

8) Frosty the Know-It-All Man

9)  Jingle Hell Rock

10)  Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (in Timeout!)

11) All I Want for Christmas Is Juice 

12) The Twelve Days of Excessive Greed

13) Deck the Brother/Wife/Neighbor

14) Black and Blue Christmas

15) I Saw Mommy Chasing Santa Claus (out of the trailer with a shotgun)

16) Holy Crap! The Herald Angels Shriek

17) Do You Hear What I Hear? (Sirens again?!?)

18) You’re a Mean One, Mr. Police Officer

19) It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like the Aftermath of an Apocalypse

20) Where are You Christmas? (No, really. Where the hell are you?)

~Happy Friday, friends! Hope you all enjoyed this delightfully warped spin on the same ol’ ho-hum holiday classics. Have a terrific weekend!~

Way to totally sleigh ( I mean, slay) a Christmas classic.

Way to totally sleigh ( I mean, slay) a Christmas classic.

*A Highly Dysfunctional Hillbilly Christmas Playlist originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 12/17/2015

Co…Co…Coal!

Coal.

It’s not just for Christmas.

I’ve periodically tormented my poor boys with the threat of coal on a variety of other occasions throughout the years.

Like their birthdays.

And Halloween.

And even Easter.

For the most part, it’s been a fairly effective bluff.

After all, nothing makes a holiday less joyful than the possibility of receiving a lump or two of coal.

But that all changed recently.

I ‘d been casually scrolling through some funny holiday comics online…

And then I stumbled across this one disturbing meme that totally changed my perspective.

My younger son thought it was awesome.

Now I’m scared.

I think that’s my cue to get working on inventing flame retardant coal…

ASAP.

~Happy Friday, friends! If you have kids and they’ve behaved in a less than saintly manner this year, do yourself a favor and skip the coal. Yikes!~

The terrifying reason why coal is no longer a viable gift giving option for even the naughtiest child.

The terrifying reason why coal is no longer a viable gift giving option for even the naughtiest child.

Merry Gobble Gobble Day

Turkeys totally love me!

It’s true.

As a vegetarian, I pose zero threat to those poor fellows.

But enough about that.

Let’s kick today off with a little humor, shall we?

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(Even if he can’t pass for a ghost, he may at least be able to pass as an albino turkey. And who the heck wants to eat that?)

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(Um, hello!?! Surely the alarms in your turkey-brained head must be blaring by now!)

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(Sorry to break it to you, but sometimes the truth hurts.)

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(When you put it that way, it does sound more like a day at the spa, rather than the one-way ticket to inferno that it really is. But hey, enjoy that rubdown!)

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(Save your breath, little turkey. You couldn’t pay me enough to make me want to eat you. Consider it my early Christmas present to you.)

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(Bet that grass is looking like a pretty appealing option right about now.)

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(Sure, but don’t get too complacent. Traditions can change over time…)

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(Presumably, eating and being stuffed from the other end are not one and the same.)

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(The need for posting every single thing on social media can get a little out of hand sometimes. Find a better hobby, turkey! On second thought, might as well make that final selfie count for all it’s worth.)

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(Excellent point. Much like Columbus Day, Thanksgiving is yet another holiday of questionable origins.)

What exactly is it that we are celebrating, again?

Okay, okay.

Thanksgiving is a time to enjoy spending with family and friends, celebrating the myriad of reasons to be thankful, today and every day.

Because there are always reasons to be grateful in this life.

~Happy Thanksgiving, friends! Hope you all have a wonderful day! ~

(Merry Gobble Gobble Day originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 10/24/16)

Ho Ho… Uh, No

I love holidays.

Truly, I do.

But Christmas decorations and shopping frenzies taking center stage before Thanksgiving?

Or before even Halloween, for that matter?

What’s up with that?

Unless you’re a retailer…

In which case,  the thrill of Back to School/Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year all start in July.

Who needs one holiday at a time? 

Bring ’em on!

Bring ’em ALL on!!!

(Literally. Everywhere. There’s no escape.)

(Because why the hell not, right? It’s never too early, apparently.)

(T’is the season… for what, exactly? It’s getting to be far too confusing anymore.)

(As efficient as Back to School/Halloween/Christmas shopping all at once might seem, this isn’t what I picture when I think about “one stop shopping”.)

(November isn’t technically off-limits for Christmas cheer… but September and October are definitely pushing it.)

(You know what they say- if the bottle ain’t opening, it ain’t time yet. Try again later. Like after Thanksgiving, perhaps.)

(It’s hard to argue with the fact that Thanksgiving is indeed rooted in violence, but it isn’t typically the turkey doing the carving.)

(On the bright side, if you get it all out of the way now, you may be able to avoid getting out of the house again until well after the New Year!)

(What a great way to cover nearly half a year’s worth of holidays under one convenient catchphrase!)

(Well, at least since Halloween is done and Witchy Poo finally got her turn, Santa is now only trying to push his way in front of one other guy…)

(I think it’s safe to say that turkeys everywhere are sick of playing second fiddle to Santa.)

(And it would appear that the Pilgrims are none too pleased, either…)

(Nor is Grumpy Cat. But then, when is he ever in the mood to celebrate anything?)

(But we all have different opinions, and that’s okay. If Darth Vader is feeling the spirit of the season already, more power to him.)

The magic of the season is undeniable.

Even though I’m not entirely sure what season we’re celebrating at the moment…

All I know is that I’m not quite ready for Christmas music or Christmas shopping…

Or even putting up the Christmas tree.

The insanity of the season can wait.

Right now, I’m perfectly content with relishing the delightful crackle of vibrant autumn leaves beneath my feet on a crisp November morning.

Unless, of course, I’m somehow magically gifted with a one way ticket to a remote tropical island.

Then I’m all for it.

Ho ho ho!

~Happy Saturday, friends! Have a terrific weekend!~ 

World’s Okayest Mom

I am the best mom, and I am the worst mom.

I am amazing, and I am far from exceptional.

I am strong, and I am a total wuss.

I am kind, and I am pure evil.

I am funny, and I am without a trace of humor.

I am your best friend, and I am your worst nightmare.

I know everything, and I know absolutely nothing.

I am not perfect. I am perfectly imperfect.

I am the World’s Okayest Mom.

In a world where too many strive for the very perfection that is only perfectly impossible, okay is sometimes, well…okay.

I’m not gonna lie. There are definitely times where my sweet, adorable boys drive me to drinking.

And if they were of legal age to drink, they’d probably be tempted to do the same after a long, hard day.

But since that isn’t an option for them, they demonstrate their frustration by peeing off the top of the staircase.

(Just kidding! I’m not raising a bunch of barn animals. Geez!)

In all seriousness, my boys are happy, compassionate, well-adjusted kids.

And that, my friends, is a fairly accurate indication that I must at least be doing something right.

Which is why I took the liberty of awarding myself the title of The World’s Okayest Mom.

After all, I’ve got the shirt to prove it.

And if the shirt fits…

~Happy Mother’s Day to all the marvelous moms out there! And while we’re on the subject of moms, a big shout out to my own incredible mom. Some of you already know her as Tink the Belle from Playing By My Own Rules. If you haven’t yet had the pleasure of meeting her, please stop by and check out her inspirational blog. She’s simply amazing. ~

Seriously, I've got a shirt to prove I'm The World's Okayest Mom. How cool is that?

Seriously, I’ve got a shirt to prove I’m The World’s Okayest Mom. How cool is that?

(World’s Okayest Mom originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 5/6/16)