Life’s Challenges

A Healthy Dose of Humor

/ Quirky Girl / 46 Comments

Call me crazy, but spending as much time as I have in a hospital setting these last couple of weeks has really forced me to seek out the humor in unexpected places.

And so…

Sticking with that happy theme, presenting some of the finest examples of healthcare-related humor I’ve stumbled across today:

healthcare-4

(Well, the grass is always greener on the other side, now, isn’t it?)

healthcare-2

(Always helps to know where you stand with someone before ending up in a similar situation. Just sayin’…)

healthcare-9

(Hey, whatever floats your boat, right?)

healthcare-6

(Proof that progress comes in all sorts of different shapes and forms.)

healthcare-8

(Clearly, these gowns were designed by some deranged pervert hopped up on narcotics. Speaking of which…)

healthcare-1

(With all these awesome virtues, it’s clear: Oxycodone is right for EVERYONE!)

healthcare-7

(In all fairness, YouTube is a great resource! You know, for building your own coffin after the YouTube-guided procedure doesn’t quite go as planned…)

healthcare-5

(Like everything else in life, it’s simply a matter of perspective. Well, that, and an overactive imagination.)

healthcare-3

(Points for creativity, but they’d best have those defibrillators fired up and ready for action.)

healthcare-10

(Bottom line: if it’s good for you, it hasn’t been FDA-approved.)

~Happy Friday! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!~

 

Positive Like a Proton

/ Quirky Girl / 20 Comments

You know your week hasn’t been so hot when the highlight has been riding shotgun in an ambulance.

Yeah.

I’m not gonna lie.

This week was rough, and my motivation and creativity are sorely lacking.

On the positive side, two for the price of one in an ambulance helps to soften the blow a teeny bit.

More bang for your buck, ya know?

Always a silver lining.

(I haven’t slept much lately. Is it obvious?)

Anyway, I had recently seen a goofy expression that made me crack a smile:

Be like a proton; stay positive.

It’s an interesting analogy, and yet surprising accurate.

As human beings, we are are always trying to balance the negativity of the electrons in life with the positivity of protons.

Sometimes, you can only achieve the neutrality of a neutron; other times it’s tough to balance out that negativity at all.

But even so…

Always strive to be that positive proton.

~Wishing you all a bright and positive proton-like weekend.~

Protons clearly have the right idea...

Protons clearly have the right idea…

A Slave to the Rumbling

/ Quirky Girl / 21 Comments

C is for cookie.

C is also for cannibalism.

But unlike cannibalism, cookies are Cookie Monster approved.

Cannibalism is…well…nobody approved.

It’s just a bad idea, plain and simple.

I am stomach. Hear me roar!

Roar with hunger, at any rate.

I think my brain may be ruled by my stomach.

And I evidently enter starvation mode if I go more than two hours without food.

Case in point:

Right around the three-hour mark, I typically start exhibiting signs of feral beastly hunger so intense that this vegetarian becomes pathologically unpleasant while getting dangerously close to resorting to cannibalism. (From Threading the Needle)

Yeah…

It’s that bad.

And so I am left to consider absurd possibilities.

Like eating toothpaste and Do Not Eat packets.

Okay, fine.

I would never actually do that.

Not intentionally, anyway.

In the 90 seconds it takes to make oatmeal, I sometimes have to grab something, anything, really, to tide me over long enough so I don’t pass out and knock myself senseless on the way down.

Like one of those funny-looking cookies that’s been sitting on the counter for a couple of days…

OMG, I hope that rock-hard thing wasn’t actually a dog biscuit.

Apparently, my brain gets its wires crossed when I’m excessively hungry.

Ooh, look!

Something that may or may not actually be food…

But hey, close enough!

Hmmm…

I’ll rummage in my purse, only to discover an avocado as my sole food option.

Avocado?

What’s that doing in there?

And more importantly, how the hell am I supposed to eat that while driving?

I’ve also been known to drink my kids’ juice boxes on the fly.

Oh yeah.

I’ve eaten whipped cream out of the can as a snack, in an attempt to quickly calm the turmoil in my belly.

Oh, and I once ate these horribly sickening nicotine cupcakes.

In my defense, I had no clue what was in them.

They were just sitting there, and I was hungry.

Bad idea.

And another time, when I tried a little too hard to sneak a piece of Laffy Taffy out of the Halloween pail…

Well, let’s just say I may have eaten a chunk of the wrapper in my haste.

Damn oppressive humidity.

All I can say is, hopefully the wrapper and ink were at least nontoxic.

But then, what do you expect from someone whose child once ate a glow stick?

Me want cookie! Om nom nom nom.

Me want cookie! Om nom nom nom.

The World of Quirky

/ Quirky Girl / 36 Comments

You know it’s going to be a great day when you get bitch-slapped by your own houseplants.

Seriously, the dumbest things imaginable somehow morph into reality wherever I go.

What can I say?

I’m a magnet for disaster.

Some days, it starts off with glass shattering all over the kitchen floor after attempting to whack a cup off a high shelf with a spatula.

Or spitting a mouthful of toothpaste into my own hair.

Or walking smack into the bathroom door in the middle of the night and giving myself a gushing nosebleed that keeps me awake until ten minutes before the alarm is set to go off.

Or the alarm clock going off when my arms, hands, and fingers are all asleep, so I numbly swat at the damn clock to silence it, until I am forced to resort to using my teeth when everything else fails.

Or knocking a bowl of blueberries out of the fridge and into the air, tripping over a lonesome shoe in the middle of the living room, and then falling flat on my face.

Or getting hit by the freezer door, microwave door, and car door.

All in the same day.

All I can say is, that’s way too much head-banging going on when there are simply not enough brain cells left to spare anymore.

Anyway…

For some Friday fun, I thought I’d share a few of my all-time most impressive moments.

(I laugh at myself all the time, so I’m cool with sharing a few laughs at my own expense.)

A pair with no sense of direction is a pair about to go on an unexpected adventure

Years ago, my brother and I were hanging out at my house a few weeks before my due date. I was suddenly overwhelmed with labor-like pains, and the poor guy was pretty much forced to drive me to the hospital.

Unfamiliar with the hospital and generally lacking any sense of direction, we ended up in the Psych Ward.

Of all places.

It turned out to be nothing more than false labor pains, but my brother stopped coming over until the threat of delivering a baby in the Psych Ward on his watch had long passed.

Attack of the killer vacuum

I laid the vacuum down on its side so the brush roll wouldn’t damage the hard flooring while I used the hose attachment to suck up mystery meal leftovers off the floor.

Next thing I knew, the vacuum decided to assert its dominance by latching onto my leg like a ravenous vampire, with the brush roll going round and round into my skin like little teeth.

It felt like rug burn, only more intense. And it left a really weird mark on my leg for weeks.

Because I have yet to learn my lesson…

One recent evening while the sun was still out, I stepped outside to water my plants.

In my pajamas.

With a mouthful of mouthwash, because I’m all about multitasking.

I looked out window first to make sure no one else was around, because who wants to be bothered with putting on respectable clothes just to water the plants? 

 But then my neighbor had the audacity to wander out into his own backyard right at that very moment.

Realizing I had been spotted, I added to the intensely awkward moment by unintentionally spitting mouthwash all over the brick on the side of my own house.

Thank goodness the guy had enough decency to avoid eye contact and quietly retreat back into his house.

They say running with scissors is dangerous…

As much as I value multitasking, it does have its drawbacks.

Like that one time I tripped and went flying down the stairs with a toothbrush in my mouth, while carrying a box of Angry Birds Star Wars Band-Aids in the one hand and a jar of tea tree oil in the other.

The goal was to save time as I attempted to quickly bandage up one of the boys’ cut knees (or elbows or whatever the heck was bleeding at that precise moment), then hustle out the door for school, not add to the injury count. But c’est la vie, right?

The truck ate my pants

Our truck can be a challenge to get in and out of. Especially with no running boards to ease the whole entry/exit process.

One day, like any other day, I geared up for my graceful leap out of the parked vehicle.

But this time, I got caught on the seat belt retractor on the way down, and it tore the ass right out of my jeans.

Alllll the way down.

The only redeeming thing here is that it happened in my own driveway and not at some awkward public place.

Like work.

Or at school before a parent-teacher conference…

These in no way represent all of the mishaps I’ve ever experienced.

Not even close.

But if I kept track of them all…

Well, I think I’d run out of paper.

And sanity.

~Happy Friday, everyone! Hope you all have a terrific weekend!~

I also seem to put the "eh" in special.

I also seem to put the “eh” in special.

8 Shades of Madness: The Back to School Edition

/ Quirky Girl / 14 Comments

(A Not-So-Helpful Guide to School Readiness)

Don’t panic… but when’s the last time you actually looked at your calendar?

It’s still on June!

Do you realize that school starts in less than a week?

You need all kinds of… stuff… and things… for school.

And now the fun really begins.

1) School Supplies

The list gets longer and more demanding each year.

A two dollar generic binder?

Yeah, right.

Like that’s really gonna fly.

This year, you’ll need a $20 Five Star zipper binder that your kid will yank the zipper right off with his teeth by the second day of school.

Oh, and they insist on red and blue folders only.

You bought yellow?

Really?

And neon orange polka dot composition notebooks?

The list specifically says black marble composition notebooks!

And they say that reading is a lost art.

2) Clothing

Your kids have outgrown all of their clothing over the summer.

The boys’ shorts could easily pass for Daisy Dukes, their jeans fit like Capri pants, and every last shirt has mysteriously morphed into a cropped top.

The socks are either orphaned, mismatched pairs or holier than a slice of Swiss cheese.

As for the girls and the two things in their closets that actually do fit?

Sooooo last year.

Their skirts are all bordering on indecent after sudden growth spurts.

(Expect a phone call from concerned school administrators on that one, with a polite “inquiry” about your questionable ability to serve as a role model for your children. What exactly is it that you do for a living, again?)

3) Tax-Free Weekend

Sounds promising, right? Who doesn’t like saving money, after all?

And it truly is a fabulous concept, in theory… if your idea of a good time is reenacting Black Friday, school supply style.

So instead of fighting over the newest PlayStation that’s on sale, you now find yourself in a big box store, shoving your way through endless aisles of school supplies while vying for that last pack of Crayola crayons.

Until common sense kicks in and you realize that knocking someone out with a left hook in front of a selection of Care Bear and Sesame Street backpacks is probably not worth going to jail for.

4) Drained Bank Account Syndrome

You know how people are always saying having kids isn’t cheap?

Well, guess what?

They’re right.

5) Locker Practice

As kids get into the higher grades, they are assigned a black hole with a lock to shove their 80 pounds of books/unwanted homework assignments in.

Of course, it’s the dreaded bottom locker.

By the way, when’s the last time you actually had to open a combination lock?

So now you’re on all fours and panting like a crazed dog in heat, in an unsuccessful attempt to “demonstrate” how to open your child’s sadistic locker.

You finally get it after 28 frustrating minutes and 37 infuriating attempts.

And you are then rewarded for your effort with the equally enjoyable task of trying to cram a shelf evenly into that locker, because you know from experience that a lopsided shelf is as useful as no shelf at all.

6) Schedule Pickup/Teacher Assignment

Ah! The joy of walking with your child through their daily schedule, from class to class, a few days before school officially starts.

One class is undoubtedly outside in the portables, and somehow you take a wrong turn and end up lost in the parking lot, which is greater than or equal to 6 football fields in dimension.

7) Wakie, Wakie!

Having to get up early/go to bed early has been a challenge lately.

Some mornings, you’re all still in bed at 9:00.

And school starts at 7:45?

Ha!

This ought to be good.

Time to invest in a rooster, perhaps?

8) Misery

After grumbling all summer about the incessant insanity and begging for school to start again soon, you’re actually secretly sad that school has started.

The carefree days of eating ice cream for breakfast and hanging out by the pool have come to an end.

Silence is so overrated.

It’s tempting to climb to the top of the staircase and dropkick a lamp on to the tiled floor below or go outside to pick a fight with the neighbor in an attempt to replicate the very chaos you’ve just spent the entire 12 weeks of summer trying to avoid.

~Happy Friday, my friends! I had originally written and posted The 8 Shades of Madness almost exactly a year ago to the date, when Comically Quirky was still brand new and I had, like, 5 followers. Total. So…with back to school right around the corner, I couldn’t resist sharing it again. Hope you enjoyed, and have a great weekend!~

Go ahead. Give it a try. I triple dog dare you.

Go ahead. Give it a try. I triple dog dare you.

Oh, the Things It Could Be!

/ Quirky Girl / 51 Comments

Google is to hypochondriacs what meth is to a junkie.

Oh, come on.

You know the deal.

You’re suddenly afflicted with sharp stomach pains from hell, so you turn to Dr. Google to shed some insight.

Inevitably, Google leads you to sites like WebMD and Healthline for totally reliable self-diagnostic help.

After scanning through symptoms and possible causes, you manage to convince yourself it’s not simply constipation or indigestion.

No.

It’s undoubtedly a raging bout of appendicitis that is about to do you in, right there in the middle of the Back to School section at Walmart…

Unless you make a beeline for the nearest hospital right this very minute.

All you know for certain is you’re obviously dying.

I swear, the symptoms for migraines and brain damage are identical.

Ok, well. Maybe not exactly.

But seriously, have you ever noticed how so many different health issues all have the same set of symptoms?

Oh, the things it could be!

Got a headache?

It’s obviously an aneurysm, and that clock is just a tickin’.

Or it could be head trauma.

What’s that?

Don’t remember hitting your head in the first place?

Well, duh.

Wheezing and coughing?

Could be asthma.

Or a sinus infection.

Or congenital heart failure.

Fatigued?

Could be the flu.

Or Lyme disease.

Or just good ol’ PMS.

Hallucinations?

Could be schizophrenia.

Or epilepsy.

Or just poorly-interacting medications.

Irritability?

Could be hypothermia.

Or a sleep disorder.

Or meningitis.

Nauseated?

Could be food poisoning.

Or a heart attack.

Or perhaps you’re pregnant.

(Congratulations!)

Forgetful?

Could be delirium.

Or dementia.

Or head trauma.

(Seriously, quit knocking your head around!)

Oh, the things it could be!

Lucky for me, I have a high pain tolerance.

Which is great, because I’m freakishly allergic to aspirin and Advil.

Hell, I can’t even take Benadryl to counteract an allergic reaction because it knocks me out cold.

But I do take comfort in knowing I can just conk myself over the head with a frying pan to ease the pain and be good to go.

That’s all the so-called healthcare I need.

This cute little bear has the right idea. Just stick a band-aid on and call it a day.

This cute little bear has the right idea. Just stick a band-aid on and call it a day.

Land Ho! Oh, Whoa!

/ Quirky Girl / 22 Comments

Holy crap, Batman!

My two-year anniversary in No Man’s Land is just days away!

So, in honor of having survived long enough to reach this milestone…

20 Things I Kinda, Sorta Like About No Man’s Land

  1. I get to play a riveting game of Guess the Farm Animal every time I leave the house. (FYI, I still suck at this game. Horses, donkeys…is there really that big a difference?)
  2. Moving to a new place has meant getting out of a rut, trying new things, and perhaps most importantly, has also given me a much-needed push in a new direction toward achieving my goals. (This blog was, after all, inspired and created from all the ensuing mayhem.)
  3. I really like my new house. (As my younger son put it, more room to make more mess!)
  4. Mysteriously intriguing sunrises and sunsets. (I’m starting to appreciate all those cloudy days.)
  5. My boys have gotten to experience real snow (and snow days!) and build snowmen for the first time in their lives. (Yeah. Seriously.)
  6. There’s a terrific selection of restaurants that are NOT steakhouses, so this vegetarian probably won’t die of starvation. (Woo hoo!)
  7. The school system out here is a major improvement, with happy teachers and better funding. (A true win-win.)
  8. Bright, happy sunflowers blooming everywhere. Prior to coming out here, I hadn’t even realized they’re actually wildflowers. (Sad but true.)
  9. Moving here with all the stresses and challenges of not knowing where exactly we would live, where the boys would go to school… In retrospect, that’s insane! (Or maybe insanely brave…)
  10. Spring, summer, fall, winter…There are all four seasons! Granted, sometimes they can all be experienced in the course of a week, but after years of being in a desert, this is exciting. (Leaves changing color! Snow! Flowers blooming!)
  11. In addition to cows, this place has goats. And everyone knows that indiscriminate eaters such as goats can be useful in maintaining a clean house. (Note to self- grab goat from nearby field on drive home today.)
  12. The bipolar weather is far from boring. (Tornadoes, earthquakes, and hail! Oh my!)
  13. Cornfields, hay barrels, and wheat fields. (It’s like being in another world.)
  14. I’ve grown to like these horizontal traffic lights out here. (And now I think all those “normal” vertical ones look weird.)
  15. The roads are awesomely bad. Pothole-laden roads make for an exciting adventure every time. (I’ve lost track of how many times my car has become airborne and almost sailed over a field of cows.)
  16. Meeting awesome new people I wouldn’t have met otherwise if I hadn’t moved here. (Always a good thing.)
  17. Redbud trees. The first sign of spring, with their intense purple flowers. (I want one.)
  18. Bastard Cabbage. (The implications themselves are not actually funny at all, but the name always makes me giggle, as I envision how that…interesting (?) name might’ve come about.)
  19. It’s funny to watch farm machinery hauling ass on highways, passing all the slower-moving sedans and SUVs. (Irony at its finest.)
  20. Change can be a good thing, and what might initially seem like a negative thing may actually turn out to be a blessing in disguise. (Having a sense of humor and making the best out of a situation can really go a long way.)

~Happy Thursday, everyone! It’s true: sometimes change isn’t such a horrible thing. So embrace it, and always look for the silver lining.~

Looks welcoming enough, right? (Ha! Run while you still can!)

Looks welcoming enough, right? (Ha! Run while you still can!)

Hungry, Hungry Kiddos

/ Quirky Girl / 31 Comments

Chicken nuggets?

Again?!?

Didn’t we already have that?

Well, duh!

When you’re sitting at the kitchen table for 16 hours a day…

Yeah.

There’s bound to be some degree of repetition.

Macaroni and cheese three times in two days?

Now, that is clearly acceptable.

God, I love summertime.

What’s not to love about it?

Oh, right…

Envision a never-ending game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos, if you will.

With a pair of hungry boys instead of hungry hippos.

And with more food falling on the floor than is actually going into anybody’s mouth.

Kit Kat wrappers plague the dryer and trails of chocolate chip cookie crumbs create a path from the kitchen to halfway up the staircase .

String cheese wrappers and empty juice boxes hide alongside long-forgotten Halloween candy under their beds.

You always make us eat chicken!

(I can assure you that’s not the case. I am vegetarian, after all, and I’m not touching that crap any more than I have to.)

I don’t like raisins anymore!

(Halfway through a full box of raisins.)

Can’t I just have some cookies instead?

(The fridge, freezer, and pantry all look dangerously empty.)

Water?

You’re giving us water?!?

You hate us!

Enough, already! Get outside and do something!

But it’s too hot to go outside!

Hey, wait! Is that the ice cream truck?

We’re going outside!

Can we have some money?

You hate us!

Aw, man! We never get to eat!

And on that note…

Looks like it’s about time to feed the animals precious boys again.

Chicken nuggets, anyone?

For those of you with kids, you’ll totally get this. For those of you without kids, enjoy a good laugh at my expense.

For those of you with kids, you’ll totally get this. For those of you without kids, enjoy a good laugh at my expense.

Weak in the Bee’s Knees

/ Quirky Girl / 16 Comments

No sense in beating around the bush. I have a confession to make, so here it goes:

Hi, my name is Quirky Girl, and I like Burt’s Bees lip balm a tad bit too much.

I like it so much that I sometimes find myself subconsciously ingesting it so that I can apply yet another layer 45 seconds later.

Oh, it’s not all flavors.

Mostly wild cherry.

And pomegranate.

Oh, and açaí berry, too.

Who am I kidding?

They’re like the moisturizing lip balm version of Jelly Belly.

But in my defense, it’s 100% natural, nontoxic goodness.

Unlike Jelly Belly.

So theoretically, if I were to eat a whole tube of Burt’s Bees, I would (probably) be okay.

Not that I would.

Mmm. Wild cherry. So good.

Hey, wait…

What do you mean I’m not supposed to eat it? Why do they make all these amazing flavors, then?

Anyway…

I was at Target the other day, overfilling a super-sized shopping cart with thirteen tons of household necessities, when an unusual display caught my eye.

“The _ees are disappearing and need your help!”

Say what?

“With this purchase, you will help support _ee habitat. For each BringBacktheBees lip _alm sold or tweet with #BringBacktheBees, 1,000 _ee-friendly wildflower seeds will _e planted!”

For goodness sake, the b’s were missing!

How could I not take action?

How could I live with myself?

And what of this nonsense to omit the letter b from tweets!?!

Sadists!

I’d rather spend a couple of bucks on a practical tube of lip balm than visually assault my eyes with such improper spelling.

So I bought one.

Even though I have at least 27 other tubes of lip balm.

Somewhere.

Even though I have mixed feelings about bees.

Oh, come on. They freaking sting people, for God’s sake.

But damn it, Burt’s Bees campaign to… well… bring back the bees…just seemed like the environmentally responsible thing to do.

I like nature.

I like natural products.

I like honey well enough, too. It’s got some terrific health benefits

And bees themselves must have some redeeming qualities, surely?

After all, 1 out of every 3 bites of foods we consume are products of pollination by bees, from fruit to coffee beans.

But between climate changes, pesticides, loss of habitat, and disease, the honeybee population has been quickly declining.

I’m guessing people with potentially fatal allergies to bee stings aren’t too heartbroken, though.

After all, the little suckers are seemingly fueled by our flesh.

Well, that, and a desire to kill us all.

Scare a bee, get too close, step on it… you will get stung. And they will inject you with a lovely venomous substance called apitoxin.

And when honeybees sting, they also release pheromones that can rouse other nearby bees into joining in on the fun.

So one stinging bee can easily turn into hundreds of stinging bees in just a matter of seconds.

Such a fine example of mob mentality.

And not only do they leave behind their stingers when they sting, the bees also leave part of their abdomens, digestive tracts, muscles and nerves.

Don’t these foolish insects ever learn? This irreparable bodily damage is actually what ends up doing them in.

Think about all these unnecessary deaths. It’s like a self-induced bee apocalypse.

Ooh!

I just had a revelation!

Sure, we could all raise a ton of money to plant billions of wildflowers to help these bees.

But wouldn’t more bees’ lives be saved if they’d simply quit stinging people and dropping like flies?

Whoa, sorry. Terrible analogy.

Look, I truly don’t mind supporting a worthwhile cause.

But what if I do my part to help bring back the bees… and then they all turn around, band together, and sting me in the butt as I’m reapplying my sweet-smelling, bee-friendly Burt’s Bees lip balm?

Remind me again why exactly we’re trying to save these evil little suckers?

Don't let the pretty flower fool you. This little sucker is coming for you next.

Don’t let the pretty flower fool you. This little sucker is coming for you next.

Hotel Hostility

/ Quirky Girl / 11 Comments

Oh, the joys of travelling. What’s not to love about a quick getaway?

I mean, aside from the hassle of going to the airport and inevitably receiving a rather unsettling pat-down for setting off the metal detector, only to then discover your flight has been delayed indefinitely.

Fun, right?

With the flight already booked, finding a decent hotel is usually the easy part. Or so I had thought.

A thorough scan of area hotels pretty well settles which hotel I’ll be staying at, based on price and ratings. I would’ve booked right then and there, but then life intervened.

As usual.

I can’t help feeling like I’ve been seriously bamboozled.

A whopping 32% price increase overnight? And all the other hotels in the area had followed suit. Still, I proceeded with the reservation. The location was the most ideal, and the other options weren’t any more promising.

Even so, I’ve got a tad bit of hard feelings about the whole ordeal.

So, I’ve devised a plan to get my money’s worth.

After carefully perusing the hotel’s website, I’ve taken note of all the available amenities. And by all, I mean ALL.

In addition to utilizing every toiletry and object in the room that will be provided for my comfort, I fully intend to capitalize on the rest of the hotel’s offerings.

There are the typical features nearly every hotel room boasts. Then there are some that are more baffling, verbatim from the hotel website:

-Waterpik showerheads (isn’t that some sort of toothbrush company?)

-Clean and Fresh beds (as opposed to the standard filth other hotels offer, I suppose?)

-Ergonomic desk chair (does it spin? Please tell me it spins!)

-Fluffy towels (as opposed to the threadbare variety?)

Complimentary high speed internet will ensure I can spend every moment in the hotel “connected” while a big screen HD TV will spare my eyes the misery of a substandard channel surfing experience.

All rooms are equipped with coffee makers and a few packs of complimentary coffee, but I’ll be sure to drink only the coffee in the hotel lobby and pack the in-room coffee, cream, and sugar. Maybe even the paper cups too, for good measure.

The complimentary hot breakfast is definitely an asset, too. So I’ll plan to arrive early and attempt to eat an entire day’s worth of food in one lump sum (breakfast lasts a generous three hours, so I think this is doable).

After all, I can work some of it off later in the conveniently located Fitness Room.

I’ll probably need to do some time in there anyway to keep my energy level up, because utilizing all the hotel’s amenities will likely leave very little time for sleep.

But that’s nothing a snooze on the 2 ½ hour flight back home the next day won’t remedy.

Now for the biggest perk: Service animals allowed!

Let me just clarify something. Under normal circumstances, I don’t require any such assistance. I’m in perfectly good condition.

However, for the joy of adding to the inconvenience factor, this would certainly make things more interesting.

I don’t even particularly love animals, but it’s the principle of the matter at stake here.

The way I see it, there are two options:

1. Travel with someone who requires a service animal, preferably a companion with a horse-sized dog

2. Wait to see if the latest spider bite on my leg flares up to the usual debilitating swollen mess of a limb that typically afflicts me after being bitten, then proceed to secure my new best friend for this trip. (This is my preferred method, as I already have a name picked out for my horse-dog friend.)

As an added benefit, this dog will help me utilize even more of the hotel’s features.

Vengeance (Vengie, for short) might like to take a few laps in the pool, then dry off with the “fluffy towels” after a nice soak in the tub.

And the complimentary printing services might come in handy, too. I’ll print extra boarding passes, in case Vengie eats the first few copies.

After a busy day of using and abusing every last amenity offered, I’ll settle down in my room with yet another cup of coffee while spinning in the ergonomic desk chair while watching high-quality television on a mammoth crystal-clear screen.

When the next round of caffeine kicks in, I envision finishing off the night by using the extra rolls of toilet paper and the hangers in the closet to create a mummy.

Then I’d set the mummy up in the middle of the room with the ironing board so that it’ll appear to be doing something productive.

I hope the service dog won’t attack it.

Oh, but I really should at least lay down in that bed for a few minutes. Otherwise, I definitely won’t get my full money’s worth.

I wonder if Tylenol is complementary, too?

Good God. I’m exhausted already, and my trip is still several weeks away.

You know, I have this nagging feeling I’ve lost sight of the purpose of any of this.

Perhaps I should start planning a pre-getaway getaway ASAP …

Now that's what I call a travel companion.

Now that’s what I call a travel companion.