alcohol

Sticks, Stones, and Broken Bones

/ Quirky Girl / 37 Comments

Oh, the things you can fix!

The things you can glue!

It’s totally true!

Oh, the things you can do!

Does it feel broken?

Are any crucial parts missing?

Any strange things jutting out at nauseating angles?

Well, fear not.

Doctor apprehension is completely normal.

But before you start dialing for an ambulance, ask yourself a few more questions:

Is it bleeding profusely?

Can it be glued back together?

Sewn up or stapled shut?

Do you think you might be able to walk it off ?

Sleep it off?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes or maybe…

Why not just stay home and take care of it yourself?

Think about it.

Going to the doctor can be costly.

Not to mention nerve-wracking.

But the good news is, there are many ways to fix whatever ails you…

Right from the comfort of your own home!

Or wherever the heck you happen to be when misfortune strikes.

But before you make your final decision, ask yourself this…

Do you really need that particular body part?

(Hey, it’s a valid question. We tend to treat things like tonsils and wisdom teeth as unnecessary space fillers.)

With just a few household staples, YOU can be your own DIY healthcare provider!

Did your kid shove a grape Jolly Rancher up his nose again?

Why not try to dislodge it with the industrial strength shop vac that’s collecting dust in the garage?

Got a cracked rib?

Got tape?  

There ya go.

Problem solved.

Raging bout of food poisoning?

Charcoal capsules can be highly effective…

But cramming the long handle of a telescopic duster down your throat ought to do the trick in bringing the offending substance back up even more quickly.

All-over body aches?

Get out the frying pan. It’s time for a riveting game of Whack-an-Appendage!

Cracked a tooth? Or a head?

While the actual treatment may vary slightly, both can be remedied with a glob or two of extra strength super glue.

Some afflictions have even simpler solutions.

Suffering from high blood pressure?

Avoid kids.

Got a massive headache?

Avoid kids.

Sprained an ankle tripping over a rogue bouncy ball?

Avoid kids.

(Notice a pattern here?)

Worried about wrecking your budget with astronomical medical expenses?

A few helpful ideas:

Next time you go to the dentist, have the hygienist X-ray not only your teeth, but your entire body from head to toe, in 85 different installments.

Or save yourself the time and hassle by asking for a copy of your body X-ray scan results the next time you go through airport security.

And why bother making a trip to the eye doctor when you’re already paying for a mandatory vision test at the Motor Vehicle Department?

There’s also no need for a chiropractor if you’re experiencing back pain when you’ve got a rough child who can helpfully assist you in rearranging your bones, free of charge.

And if you think you might require the services of a skilled psychologist, guess again.

Just grab the nearest notebook and indulge in the cathartic action of jotting down your deepest thoughts and emotions.

Or better yet, park yourself in front of the bathroom mirror and revel in the fun of holding up both sides of a sure to be fascinating conversation.

It’s all psychological anyway, right?

Mind over matter.

So if you’ve just smacked your head into a brick wall after tripping over the dog or knocked yourself senseless by falling down the stairs while attempting to balance a laundry basket with a toothbrush dangling out of your mouth, today just might be your lucky day!

Or not…

Unfortunately, not everything has a simple DIY remedy. 

And so for everything else, there’s alcohol.

A good shot of whiskey or vodka ought to do the trick.

So long, strains, sprains, and spewing bloody wounds!

Everything’s gonna be alright…

~Happy Saturday, my friends! Have a fabulous weekend, and remember, super glue is your new best friend!~

It may have roots in Greek Mythology, but the caduceus looks like a deadly contraption. Come on, a stick with a pair of intertwined snakes precariously draped around it as medical insignia? Totally not comforting.

It may have roots in Greek Mythology, but the caduceus looks like a deadly contraption. Come on, a stick with a pair of intertwined snakes precariously draped around it as medical insignia? Totally not comforting.

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H2O Woes

/ Quirky Girl / 30 Comments

Not only is water important for survival…

It’s probably also going to be the very thing that ends up doing me in.

It’s true that water is simply a compound of hydrogen and oxygen.

Seems harmless enough.

But a person can drown in just an inch of water, for goodness sake.

Clearly, not one of water’s most redeeming qualities.

Water is actually pretty fascinating, though.

For instance:

  • Tap water can contain molecules that dinosaurs drank.
  • The human brain is 70%  water.
  • It takes 150 liters of water to make a pint of beer.
  • Human blood is 83% water.
  • People can live a month without food, but just a week without water.
  • Water covers 70% of the Earth’s surface.
  • Roughly 1/3 of household water consumption originates from the toilet.
  • A jellyfish is 95% water.

And did you know 3.4 million people die each year from water-related causes?

Yikes!

Granted, most of that is due to waterborne illnesses.

And dehydration.

Oh, and water intoxication.

That’s right.

Drinking too much water can cause fatal water intoxication.

Aside from the fact that I already drink far too much water, I’m also freakishly concerned about another death-by-water type of scenario:

Sometimes, I choke on water.

Like it’s just too damn hard for small amounts of water to go straight down my throat without taking a virtually lung-collapsing detour.

Hell, sometimes I somehow manage to choke on absolutely nothing.

Well, technically, it’s air that I’m choking on.

But that’s beside the point.

Water is hazardous to your health!

If you’re even remotely at risk for death by water intoxication, you’re probably better off sticking to alcohol for dinner tonight.

Might I recommend a decadent Mudslide, beer battered fries, and soft pretzels with beer cheese?

Oh, right.

That level of alcohol consumption would most definitely lead to dehydration.

Which would lead to the need for consuming water for rehydration.

Which could lead to choking to death on said water.

Although, in all fairness…

I’m probably at far greater risk for doing myself in by eating a smorgasbord of questionable-looking food that’s ever-so-slightly past the sell-by date.

From my own fridge.

So much for trying to be less wasteful.

~Happy Friday! Hope you all have a fantastic weekend!~

Don't be fooled. Water has mastered the art of being both friend and foe.

Don’t be fooled. Water has mastered the art of being both friend and foe.

Expressions of Gratitude

/ Quirky Girl / 33 Comments

Adiós! Au revoir! Arrivederci!

It’s the best time of the year for parents and their children.

And most especially their poor, beat down and worn out teachers.

School is (almost) out for the summer!

What a relief that is, let me tell ya.

No more homework.

No more last-minute projects.

And most importantly…

No more dreaded phone calls from teachers/principals/concerned administrative staff about borderline acceptable human conduct from the little darlings.

What’s not to love about the end of the school year?

But if you’re like me, you probably feel a sense of obligation to thank all these people for putting up with your sweet angels for a whopping 180 days without resorting to diving head-first off a cliff.

So I decided to create little gifts for all of the teachers and staff members who have had the, uh, pleasure of working with my boys throughout the year.

Through brainstorming, I came up with some decent possibilities:

  • Dart boards of the latest class photo
  • Piñatas (to vent a year’s worth of pent-up aggression)
  • Chocolate ( a timeless classic, but not very innovative)
  • Gift cards to local liquor store
  • Counseling/Therapy Sessions
  • World’s Okayest Teacher paraphernalia from the World’s Okayest Mom

I also browsed the web for other ideas, and in my quest for finding the perfect gift idea, I came across some real gems.

Like the I teach, therefore I drink wine goblet.

And a Chill Pills colorful candy jar.

And a pencil thong pouch.

(You read that right. Seriously, a thong-shaped pouch for… pencils. For your child’s teacher. Because that’s not weird or anything.)

But among the truly absurd, I found a real winner.

“Our child might be the reason you drink, so enjoy this bottle on us!” 

The world’s most perfect sentiment ever, in the form of a customized wine label.

Bulls-eye!

Seriously, is this not the best concept ever for a teacher gift?

Now if only gifts of alcohol weren’t so highly frowned upon.

Yeah, back to the drawing board…

I probably ought to be handing these out like candy.

I probably ought to be handing these out like candy.

Just Another Number

/ Quirky Girl / 24 Comments

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

How the hell old do you think I am?!?

Maybe it’s the upcoming arrival of my birthday that’s setting me off, but my brain and ego can’t even begin to wrap themselves around this enigma.

What kind of person goes to the liquor store for Bailey’s and fails to get carded by an 80 year old cashier, then later that same day goes to Target…

and gets carded by a teenage punk for buying canned air?

Why, yours truly, of course!

Evidently, I look old enough to buy alcohol without proper adult supervision…

But not quite old enough to know that getting high off a can of compressed air is just wrong.

Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

I can’t be sure.

While I’m not exactly certain where I stand at the moment, perhaps the picture below will help put things in perspective.

~Have a great weekend, and Happy Earth Day! ~

Keeping myself entertained while the kids are at school...

Keeping myself entertained while the kids are at school…