Oh, the things you can fix!
The things you can glue!
It’s totally true!
Oh, the things you can do!
Does it feel broken?
Are any crucial parts missing?
Any strange things jutting out at nauseating angles?
Well, fear not.
Doctor apprehension is completely normal.
But before you start dialing for an ambulance, ask yourself a few more questions:
Is it bleeding profusely?
Can it be glued back together?
Sewn up or stapled shut?
Do you think you might be able to walk it off ?
Sleep it off?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes or maybe…
Why not just stay home and take care of it yourself?
Think about it.
Going to the doctor can be costly.
Not to mention nerve-wracking.
But the good news is, there are many ways to fix whatever ails you…
Right from the comfort of your own home!
Or wherever the heck you happen to be when misfortune strikes.
But before you make your final decision, ask yourself this…
Do you really need that particular body part?
(Hey, it’s a valid question. We tend to treat things like tonsils and wisdom teeth as unnecessary space fillers.)
With just a few household staples, YOU can be your own DIY healthcare provider!
Did your kid shove a grape Jolly Rancher up his nose again?
Why not try to dislodge it with the industrial strength shop vac that’s collecting dust in the garage?
Got a cracked rib?
There ya go.
Raging bout of food poisoning?
Charcoal capsules can be highly effective…
But cramming the long handle of a telescopic duster down your throat ought to do the trick in bringing the offending substance back up even more quickly.
All-over body aches?
Get out the frying pan. It’s time for a riveting game of Whack-an-Appendage!
Cracked a tooth? Or a head?
While the actual treatment may vary slightly, both can be remedied with a glob or two of extra strength super glue.
Some afflictions have even simpler solutions.
Suffering from high blood pressure?
Got a massive headache?
Sprained an ankle tripping over a rogue bouncy ball?
(Notice a pattern here?)
Worried about wrecking your budget with astronomical medical expenses?
A few helpful ideas:
Next time you go to the dentist, have the hygienist X-ray not only your teeth, but your entire body from head to toe, in 85 different installments.
Or save yourself the time and hassle by asking for a copy of your body X-ray scan results the next time you go through airport security.
And why bother making a trip to the eye doctor when you’re already paying for a mandatory vision test at the Motor Vehicle Department?
There’s also no need for a chiropractor if you’re experiencing back pain when you’ve got a rough child who can helpfully assist you in rearranging your bones, free of charge.
And if you think you might require the services of a skilled psychologist, guess again.
Just grab the nearest notebook and indulge in the cathartic action of jotting down your deepest thoughts and emotions.
Or better yet, park yourself in front of the bathroom mirror and revel in the fun of holding up both sides of a sure to be fascinating conversation.
It’s all psychological anyway, right?
Mind over matter.
So if you’ve just smacked your head into a brick wall after tripping over the dog or knocked yourself senseless by falling down the stairs while attempting to balance a laundry basket with a toothbrush dangling out of your mouth, today just might be your lucky day!
Unfortunately, not everything has a simple DIY remedy.
And so for everything else, there’s alcohol.
A good shot of whiskey or vodka ought to do the trick.
So long, strains, sprains, and spewing bloody wounds!
Everything’s gonna be alright…
~Happy Saturday, my friends! Have a fabulous weekend, and remember, super glue is your new best friend!~