Sticks, Stones, and Broken Bones

Oh, the things you can fix!

The things you can glue!

It’s totally true!

Oh, the things you can do!

Does it feel broken?

Are any crucial parts missing?

Any strange things jutting out at nauseating angles?

Well, fear not.

Doctor apprehension is completely normal.

But before you start dialing for an ambulance, ask yourself a few more questions:

Is it bleeding profusely?

Can it be glued back together?

Sewn up or stapled shut?

Do you think you might be able to walk it off ?

Sleep it off?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes or maybe…

Why not just stay home and take care of it yourself?

Think about it.

Going to the doctor can be costly.

Not to mention nerve-wracking.

But the good news is, there are many ways to fix whatever ails you…

Right from the comfort of your own home!

Or wherever the heck you happen to be when misfortune strikes.

But before you make your final decision, ask yourself this…

Do you really need that particular body part?

(Hey, it’s a valid question. We tend to treat things like tonsils and wisdom teeth as unnecessary space fillers.)

With just a few household staples, YOU can be your own DIY healthcare provider!

Did your kid shove a grape Jolly Rancher up his nose again?

Why not try to dislodge it with the industrial strength shop vac that’s collecting dust in the garage?

Got a cracked rib?

Got tape?  

There ya go.

Problem solved.

Raging bout of food poisoning?

Charcoal capsules can be highly effective…

But cramming the long handle of a telescopic duster down your throat ought to do the trick in bringing the offending substance back up even more quickly.

All-over body aches?

Get out the frying pan. It’s time for a riveting game of Whack-an-Appendage!

Cracked a tooth? Or a head?

While the actual treatment may vary slightly, both can be remedied with a glob or two of extra strength super glue.

Some afflictions have even simpler solutions.

Suffering from high blood pressure?

Avoid kids.

Got a massive headache?

Avoid kids.

Sprained an ankle tripping over a rogue bouncy ball?

Avoid kids.

(Notice a pattern here?)

Worried about wrecking your budget with astronomical medical expenses?

A few helpful ideas:

Next time you go to the dentist, have the hygienist X-ray not only your teeth, but your entire body from head to toe, in 85 different installments.

Or save yourself the time and hassle by asking for a copy of your body X-ray scan results the next time you go through airport security.

And why bother making a trip to the eye doctor when you’re already paying for a mandatory vision test at the Motor Vehicle Department?

There’s also no need for a chiropractor if you’re experiencing back pain when you’ve got a rough child who can helpfully assist you in rearranging your bones, free of charge.

And if you think you might require the services of a skilled psychologist, guess again.

Just grab the nearest notebook and indulge in the cathartic action of jotting down your deepest thoughts and emotions.

Or better yet, park yourself in front of the bathroom mirror and revel in the fun of holding up both sides of a sure to be fascinating conversation.

It’s all psychological anyway, right?

Mind over matter.

So if you’ve just smacked your head into a brick wall after tripping over the dog or knocked yourself senseless by falling down the stairs while attempting to balance a laundry basket with a toothbrush dangling out of your mouth, today just might be your lucky day!

Or not…

Unfortunately, not everything has a simple DIY remedy. 

And so for everything else, there’s alcohol.

A good shot of whiskey or vodka ought to do the trick.

So long, strains, sprains, and spewing bloody wounds!

Everything’s gonna be alright…

~Happy Saturday, my friends! Have a fabulous weekend, and remember, super glue is your new best friend!~

It may have roots in Greek Mythology, but the caduceus looks like a deadly contraption. Come on, a stick with a pair of intertwined snakes precariously draped around it as medical insignia? Totally not comforting.

It may have roots in Greek Mythology, but the caduceus looks like a deadly contraption. Come on, a stick with a pair of intertwined snakes precariously draped around it as medical insignia? Totally not comforting.

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37 thoughts on “Sticks, Stones, and Broken Bones

  1. Thank you for all the tips Dr. Self Help. I just realized that the Super Glue that lies hidden in the little crevice between the cupboard and the room had so much more potential than just keeping my daughter busy when I was busy peeping into the ‘perfect’ life of my many friends on social media. It will soon find its way down the next time I crack a rib or my head or just about anything in me. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Who would’ve thought super glue could be so versatile? Not only does it work well in keeping kids entertained (and possibly glued upside to a wall in the absence of proper supervision), but it can also fix numerous other issues! I’d even go so far as to say that super glue is possibly the most useful invention of all time! 😛

      Like

    • 😜 I suppose I could’ve added the following Medical Disclaimer:

      The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.

      But then again, no. That would’ve defeated all the fun! 😝

      Like

      • Ha ha … there’s an awful lot on the consciousness of healing as a foundation for health, plus designing a project with steps for our radiant health on all levels – physical, emotional, mental, unconscious and spiritual.

        I’m realizing for me, how forgiveness helps contribute to my health – when I forgive, it allows me to let go of blocks to my energy. Really simple and profound.

        Was that too much info? 🙂 Have a great week and good luck (he he).
        Debbie

        Liked by 1 person

    • As much as I love lighthearted humor, I do occasionally write a piece that could be thought provoking. Yet, my goal is always to bring laughter, not tears. Unless those tears stem from laughing until you cry… 😛

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I loved this Angelica. Your keen insight is how I actually grew up. My mom was a registered nurse and you’d think that anytime I got hurt or sick I would get top-notch personal care. My mom would just look at whatever ailed me and administered her own motherly advice…”You don’t need to go to a doctor!” If I had a cut…just put a band-aid on it. If I had a fever…just go to sleep. Can you wiggle your arms or toes…then it’s not broken so go play some more. Awesome post!

    Liked by 2 people

    • It sure sounds like your mom knew best! I wonder what she must have thought whenever patients would come in with minor afflictions that could’ve easily been remedied at home. Maybe there really is something to that old adage, “Take two asprin and call me in the morning.” No need to rush off to the doctor unless you’re a million percent sure there’s something wrong. 😛

      Liked by 1 person

    • Well, you can take comfort in my promise that I will (probably) never try any of this at home. 😂

      When it comes to any type of health related issue, I’m always determined to find ways of avoiding a trip to the doctor. I’m big on natural remedies and treatments, but I also know when it’s time to put down the (figurative) super glue and duct tape and seek help. 😝

      Liked by 1 person

  3. The good news first:
    Your suggestions make a lot of sense and could save consumers thousands of wasted dollars.

    The bad news:
    I have reported you to the board of medicine and the board of chiropractic examiners for practicing “doctoring” without a valid license.

    How dare you suggest people provide self care! Do you realize how the economy would be traumatized. Mercedes, Porsche, and Yachts sales would be dramatically impacted by your suggestions. How could a doctor face his or her peers driving a Toyota Camry. Have you no decency and compassion for the needs of my profession? For generations, we have been placed on pedestals second in height only to God. With your cost saving recommendations, we will no longer be able to afford these marble structures and be subjected to standing on less costly perches. Emotionally, the anguish this post has caused makes me feel the need to purchase a pair of fake glasses with accompanying mustache just to hide my face. Thanks to you, I have placed my castle (I mean house) on the market and am considering (dare I say) a RENTAL property!

    I hope you are satisfied with your actions and can live with knowing my colleagues have been reduced to walking zombies without direction. Whole foods shopping- OUT! Aldi’s Discount Shopping- IN. Man caves with Media Centers- OUT! 32″ plasma TV’s- IN (not even HD LED capable!) Does life get any darker than this. Oh, the horrors you have unleashed will set my profession back in time to that FEARFUL PERIOD when the practice of health care was filled with compassion, humanity and the need to help people rediscover quality health.

    I am so hurt, I can’t even wish you a wonderful weekend; the best I can muster is wishing you a mediocre 24 out of 48 hour period in time. (sigh!)

    Liked by 7 people

    • Great news! I contacted the board of medicine, and they told me doctoring without a license is not an issue… as long as I limit my doctoring to just myself. 😜

      I realize the troubling impact this revelation could potentially create. But statistically speaking, 8 out of 10 people would rather hop in the car and pay someone else to take care of their problems instead of attempting to deal with it themselves. So, in that regard, most medical professionals have little reason for concern.

      In the meantime, maybe we should race our modest sedans on over to Aldi, where we can stock up on a year’s of mac and cheese! Mm mmm mmmm! 😄

      Hope you have a marginally better than mediocre weekend!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I think the human body is the only substance on earth that super glue actually DOES work on. It sure as heck hasn’t managed to glue together anything else I’ve tried it on for more than a couple seconds…. but get that stuff on your fingers, and they’ll permanently affix to anything!

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s not too late… I can still work on publishing The Quirky Girl Book of Triage! In the meantime, here’s a good guideline to follow: “If it ain’t broke, leave it alone and go find something else to fix. And if it is broke, it’s time to pull out the super glue, duct tape, and staple gun and get busy.” 😜

      Liked by 1 person

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