Google

Oh, the Things It Could Be!

/ Quirky Girl / 42 Comments

Google is to a hypochondriac what meth is to a junkie.

Oh, come on.

You know the deal.

You’re suddenly afflicted with sharp stomach pains from hell…

So you turn to Dr. Google to shed some insight.

Inevitably, Google leads you to WebMD for totally reliable self-diagnostic help.

After scanning through symptoms and possible causes, you manage to convince yourself it’s not simply constipation or indigestion.

No.

It’s undoubtedly a raging bout of appendicitis that is about to do you in, right there in the middle of the Summer Fun section at Walmart.

Unless you make a beeline for the nearest hospital right this very minute.

All you know for certain is you’re obviously dying.

I swear, the symptoms for migraines and brain damage are identical.

Ok, well.

Maybe not exactly.

But seriously, have you ever noticed how so many different health issues all have the same set of symptoms?

Oh, the things it could be!

Got a headache?

It’s obviously an aneurysm, and that clock is just a tickin’.

Or it could be head trauma.

What’s that?

Don’t remember hitting your head in the first place?

Well, duh.

Wheezing and coughing?

Could be asthma.

Or a sinus infection.

Or congenital heart failure.

Fatigued?

Could be the flu.

Or Lyme disease.

Or just good ol’ PMS.

Hallucinations?

Could be schizophrenia.

Or epilepsy.

Or just poorly interacting medications.

Irritability?

Could be hypothermia.

Or a sleep disorder.

Or meningitis.

Nauseated?

Could be food poisoning.

Or a heart attack.

Or perhaps you’re pregnant.

(Congratulations!)

Forgetful?

Could be delirium.

Or dementia.

Or head trauma.

(Seriously, quit knocking your head around!)

Oh, the things it could be!

Lucky for me, I have a high pain tolerance.

Which is great, because I’m freakishly allergic to aspirin and Advil.

And apparently, most antibiotics don’t work for me, either.

Hell, I can’t even take Benadryl to counteract an allergic reaction because it knocks me out cold.

But I do take comfort in knowing I can just conk myself over the head with a frying pan to ease the pain and be good to go.

That’s all the so-called healthcare I need.

~Happy Friday, friends! Hope you have a happy and healthy weekend, free of any un-fun doctor or WebMD visits!~

This cute little bear has the right idea. Just stick a band-aid on and call it a day.

This cute little bear has the right idea. Just stick a band-aid on and call it a day.

(Oh, the Things It Could Be originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 8/5/16.)

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Oh, the Things It Could Be!

/ Quirky Girl / 51 Comments

Google is to hypochondriacs what meth is to a junkie.

Oh, come on.

You know the deal.

You’re suddenly afflicted with sharp stomach pains from hell, so you turn to Dr. Google to shed some insight.

Inevitably, Google leads you to sites like WebMD and Healthline for totally reliable self-diagnostic help.

After scanning through symptoms and possible causes, you manage to convince yourself it’s not simply constipation or indigestion.

No.

It’s undoubtedly a raging bout of appendicitis that is about to do you in, right there in the middle of the Back to School section at Walmart…

Unless you make a beeline for the nearest hospital right this very minute.

All you know for certain is you’re obviously dying.

I swear, the symptoms for migraines and brain damage are identical.

Ok, well. Maybe not exactly.

But seriously, have you ever noticed how so many different health issues all have the same set of symptoms?

Oh, the things it could be!

Got a headache?

It’s obviously an aneurysm, and that clock is just a tickin’.

Or it could be head trauma.

What’s that?

Don’t remember hitting your head in the first place?

Well, duh.

Wheezing and coughing?

Could be asthma.

Or a sinus infection.

Or congenital heart failure.

Fatigued?

Could be the flu.

Or Lyme disease.

Or just good ol’ PMS.

Hallucinations?

Could be schizophrenia.

Or epilepsy.

Or just poorly-interacting medications.

Irritability?

Could be hypothermia.

Or a sleep disorder.

Or meningitis.

Nauseated?

Could be food poisoning.

Or a heart attack.

Or perhaps you’re pregnant.

(Congratulations!)

Forgetful?

Could be delirium.

Or dementia.

Or head trauma.

(Seriously, quit knocking your head around!)

Oh, the things it could be!

Lucky for me, I have a high pain tolerance.

Which is great, because I’m freakishly allergic to aspirin and Advil.

Hell, I can’t even take Benadryl to counteract an allergic reaction because it knocks me out cold.

But I do take comfort in knowing I can just conk myself over the head with a frying pan to ease the pain and be good to go.

That’s all the so-called healthcare I need.

This cute little bear has the right idea. Just stick a band-aid on and call it a day.

This cute little bear has the right idea. Just stick a band-aid on and call it a day.

Feelin’ the Burn

/ Quirky Girl / 20 Comments

What do carrying a small child, driving a tractor, and riding a snow blower have in common?

They each burn approximately 136 calories in just one hour!

Gotta love the internet.  There’s an infinite world of information at your fingertips, just a few clicks away.

You can Google any bizarre concept imaginable, self-diagnose yourself on WebMD, and find humor in some of the least expected places.

Case in point: the calorie burning activity chart I stumbled upon while searching for something completely unrelated.

Along with the typical routine activities, let’s just say there are some truly unconventional ways to burn a calorie or two.

For a 150 pound person, here’s what an hour of select activities will do for you:

Building a road and sheering a sheep will each knock off roughly 340 whopping calories.

Hoeing (presumably in regards to forestry, not the other, less glamorous type) can cut 272 calories, as does hacking things apart with an ax.

Simultaneously pushing a wheelchair while walking eradicates 204 calories, the same amount of calories as a police officer making an arrest and a farmer chasing cattle on horse.

Sugar bushing must be a fairly intense activity, because it obliterates 272 calories.

Building a fire burns (haha, burns!) 102 calories. Feeding animals will also burn as many calories. (I wonder if feeding squirmy children falls in this category, too.)

Butchering animals can eliminate 340 calories. (First of all, YUCK! Secondly, I can’t even begin to imagine how this one fell under the Household Activities category rather than the Occupational Activities category.)

I am admittedly perplexed by some of these so-called everyday activities.

But what the hell. I’m feeling creative. So let’s take this one step further, for the fun of it.

After all, it seems one person’s idea of what constitutes typical varies greatly.

How many calories do you suppose a person can burn with these exciting pursuits?

EVERYDAY ACTIVITIES

  • Mustering the energy to get out of bed in the morning
  • Extreme channeling surfing
  • Crying after yet another lottery loss
  • Walking ten feet to the mailbox after a few drinks
  • Running to deactivate the smoke alarm after burning dinner
  • Engaging in an episode of road rage with the guy who turns out to be your new boss
  • Shaking the crap out of the Magic 8 Ball after realizing it’s been wrong a lot lately

PARENTING

  • Climbing up tree to rescue the sadistic cat you were hoping finally ran away
  • Tripping over child’s skateboard and crashing headfirst into a wall
  • Breaking up brawls between siblings
  • Hyperventilating/anxiety attack
  • Nerf battles (with you as the target)
  • Yelling/screaming
  • Jumping out window from second floor
  • Chain pill popping resulting from self-medicating

FUN WITH NATURE

  • Cow tipping
  • Giraffe feeding
  • Hippo bathing
  • Getting mauled by a bear
  • Mutton busting
  • Outrunning a cyclone

OTHER TOTALLY BRIGHT IDEAS

  • Jail breaking
  • Bank robbing
  • Vandalizing small buildings
  • Tightrope walking
  • Bench-pressing pair of Great Danes
  • Cracking a rib while popping a Wheelie to show off for an unimpressed child

So, which of these do you think will burn the most calories?

Personally, my money is on outrunning a cyclone. But getting out of bed in the morning is definitely a close second.

On a positive note…

Whether you’re looking to fulfill a New Year’s resolution, or simply in the market for a new hobby, there are clearly a wide variety of activities out there to suit anyone.

Mutton busting,  here I come!

Mutton busting sounds like fun! Okay, maybe this isn't the best example...

Mutton busting sounds like fun! Okay, maybe this isn’t the best example…

It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s…Failure!

/ Quirky Girl / 5 Comments

Got school-aged kids? Then you know all too well the one word that strikes fear into the hearts of kids and parents alike.

Here’s a hint: It’s scarier than a candy-hoarding corpse on Halloween.

Homework.

There. I said it.

And now I’m breaking into a cold sweat, even though there’s not a single unfinished assignment anywhere in sight.

I didn’t particularly like homework as a child. But I find it even less tolerable now.

Science? And so the suffering begins.

Math? Oh, the misery.

Writing? Woe is me.

A five page research paper on cows? Just kill me now.

You need to do research for a project on “Susan B. Something”? For the love of God, it’s women’s suffrage, not women’s coverage!

Oh yeah. Been there, done that. Way more times than I’d care to count. I already did my time.

But apparently, not everyone feels the same way.

I stumbled upon an interesting topic of discussion on the radio last Friday as I was driving my boys to school.

I was intrigued. But it made me wonder…

Anyone here guilty of doing their child’s homework for them?

I’m not talking about merely helping.

I’m talking practically yanking the assignments out of their hands and hunkering down with a generous shot of your liquor of choice while plowing through seven pages of multiplication and two-step word problems involving Gertrude and her friend Jasper’s adventures stealing corn from Psycho Samuel’s cornfield.

Jasper? What century is this assignment from?

But back to the homework. And the radio show.

A woman had called the radio station with an immense concern. Her son’s teacher wanted to meet with her.

Not too unusual. It’s a boy, after all. Boys are notoriously rowdy and full of mischief.

Well, it turns out she’d been doing her son’s homework for him. Not helping. Doing it.

Doing all of it.

And the problem with this would be…?

The kid was failing 4th grade. He had no clue how to do any of the work, thanks to her.

What a shocker!

While not uncommon for parents to help their kids out with homework, help is the imperative word here. Applying new concepts by doing the work themselves is the key to success, after all.

Although…

There are definitely times when it would be wonderful if you could just cook dinner uninterrupted, without having yet another paper shoved under your nose with more questions that you have no clue how to answer.

Oh, but what’s the fun of cooking without the threat of burning down the house because you’re too distracted trying to figure out what the hell happened to Pluto?

What about the nine planets we all learned about in school? Now there are only eight?!?

Size clearly matters, even in space. Who knew?

But this all seems so trivial when you consider the house wouldn’t be on fire right now if only you had done the damn assignment yourself in the first place.

What I want to know is how anyone ever managed to get by before Google. There are numerous assignments that require knowledge I personally no longer possess.

(I’m struggling to remember what I had been doing 15 minutes ago.)

Remember that show Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?

I was evidently not smarter than a 5th grader when that show premiered in 2007. I can almost guarantee I’m even less likely to be now.

Besides, my kids spend seven hours a day at school, for crying out loud! Shouldn’t they be the experts on all things academic? Shouldn’t they be teaching me?

At any rate, this is where Google comes in. Google has answers that I clearly do not have.

So I often (shamelessly) tell my boys, “Let me think about that one and get back to you.” Then I make my escape and get down to business.

I’m sorry, hang on a second…

You need to build The Liberty Bell?

Out of what? By tomorrow?

We don’t have an ounce of modeling clay to work with…but we do have five packages of spaghetti.

A situation of this caliber is best handled by an expert.

Where exactly can I find that homework-monopolizing mom?

Never mind. She’s booked until June, just trying to keep up with her own kid’s homework.

Oh well.

As the saying goes: When life hands you homework, make paper airplanes.

Even Garfield hates homework.

Even Garfield hates homework.