The Badness of Bart

Don’t have a cow, man!

El Barto.

Bartman.

Bart Simpson.

Homer and Marge’s impressively underachieving firstborn.

Mischievous and rebellious, this kid is definitely not a role-model child by any stretch of the imagination.

But he is one of America’s favorite juvenile delinquents.

Presenting ten inspiring quotes from the infamous Bart:

bart simpson try to try

(That’s a start, I suppose.)

bart simpson can't prove anythi

(Little wonder this kid spends his days in detention.)

bart simpson crazy people

(Poor Bartman. That’s actually kind of sad. )

bart simpson good or bad

(Right. You just keep telling yourself that.)

bart simpson damned if you do

(Truer words have never been spoken. Especially not by a 10 year-old with a penchant for bad behavior.)

bart simpson liar

(Blatant honesty is always so refreshing.)

bart simpson true meaning of ch

(Once again, Bart is slightly misguided as the result of poor parenting. On a side note: leave it to Ho-Ho-Homer to spread cheer through strangulation.)

bart simpson sucks and blows

(No point in sugar-coating the truth, is there?)

bart simpson never give up

(Well, he started off on the right track with this one…)

bart simpson stare at the sun

(Sounds like the kind of advice you’d expect from Homer. Proof that the apple doesn’t fall far.)

Bart may not be an overachiever like his sister Lisa, but he sure has perfected the art of trouble-making.

And he’s a master prankster.

Well, what do you really expect from a character whose name is the anagram for the word “brat”?

Ay caramba!

~Happy Friday! Hope you all have a great weekend!~

(The Badness of Bart originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 7/15/16)

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The Logic of Lisa

She isn’t cool like Bart, adorable like Maggie, or tolerant like Marge.

Or half-baked like Homer.

She may not be the most charismatic.

Or even overly likable, for that matter.

But you’ve got to admit, she has more brain cells than Bart, Maggie, Marge, and Homer.

Collectively.

Lisa Simpson.

The vegetarian, overachieving, saxophone-playing middle child.

And boy, does she have sarcasm down to an art.

She’s a total smart-ass.

Deadpanning is as much her strength as her intelligence.

Presenting ten of Lisa’s finest moments of sassy and witty wisdom:

lisa simpson not a frown

(I do believe this is the politically correct term for Not Happy.)

(lisa simpson romance dead

(Hence the term Hallmark Holiday. No moolah equals no love, don’t ya know?)

lisa simpson popular girl

(I know, I know. Life is sooo unfair.)

lisa simpson words of encourage

( Homer and Marge have been trying for years to be slightly-better-than-totally-horrible parents. Evidently, their efforts are paying off.)

lisa simpson goody two shoes

(Proof that even those Goody Two Shoes have skeletons in their closets.)

lisa simpson envy and help

(If this isn’t the World’s Most Perfect Family, I’m at a total loss.)

lisa simpson psychiatrist

(Surely just a minor drawback of being part of a dysfunctional family.)

lisa simpson pain and drudgery

(Depressing, yes. But also poignantly true.)

lisa simpson book n beers

(She’s obviously referencing Homer, not me. Hey, I don’t even like beer!)

lisa simpson silent fool

(My personal favorite. Attributed to both Abraham Lincoln and Mark Twain, I’m inclined to give Lisa full credit on this one.)

Lisa may not be as well-loved as some of the other Simpsons, but she does have redeeming qualities.

She’s passionate, she cares about the environment, and she actually has morals.

She rebels against societal norms, for goodness sake.

What’s not to love about that?

Yeah, I can definitely relate to Lisa Simpson.

After all, I am a fellow smart-ass and vegetarian, myself.

And…

I, too, have a few more brain cells than the average cartoon character.

~Happy Friday, everyone! Can you believe it’s almost December already? Holy Moly, where did the year go?~

(The Logic of Lisa originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 5/19/16)

The Modesty of Marge

She’s not particularly exciting.

What does she do all day, anyway?

I mean,  besides vacuum and drive her kids around?

Oh. My. God.

I think I  just described myself.

The horror!

Okay, okay.

Enough of that pity party.

Presenting ten of Marge Simpson’s most profound, yet undoubtedly humorous quotes:

marge simpson aim low

(Brilliant! Set that bar low enough, and you’ll never be disappointed again!)

marge simpson too tense2

(She definitely can’t be accused of sugar-coating the truth with that attitude.)

marge simpson listen to your heart

(So that’s how it works? I would’ve sworn it was the other way around.)

marge simpson never raise a hand

(A rather classy way to get the message across, sans violence.)

marge simpson springfield

(Proof that it’s easy to become too complacent, even in mediocrity.)

marge simpson brain food

(Intelligence aside, their very presence in your can of tuna means more bang for your buck!)

marge simpson so funny

(Consider yourself lucky. Some people don’t even have a sense of humor.)

marge simpson fetish

(Hey, give her a break! She’s been wearing the same set of clothes since 1989.)

marge simpson doing something right

(The ultimate gauge for accessing a job well done.)

marge simpson vacation

(Who needs Hawaii when you can have your very own jail cell?)

Apparently, I’ve got more in common with Marge Simpson than I realized.

Well, except I don’ t have a blue beehive.

Or three messed-up kids.

Or a husband with only two brain cells.

Poor Marge.

She’s patient, compassionate, and forgiving.

But the moralistic matriarch really didn’t hit the jackpot with that family, did she?

~Happy Friday, everyone! Hope you’ve had a terrific week!~

(The Modesty of Marge originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 6/9/16)

The Wisdom of Homer~Part 2

I’ll teach you to laugh at something that’s funny!

Just when you probably though there was no more wisdom for Homer to impart, I discovered even more gems of pure genius.

Woo hoo!

Turns out Homer’s three decades (!) of half-assed parenting/employment/mere existence has generated a plethora of material to work with.

So…

A well-justified encore is definitely in order for the not-quite-wiser-than-Yoda patriarch of one of the world’s most dysfunctional cartoon families in history.

Presenting ten more of Homer’s astoundingly witty moments:

homer simpson happy

(It’s safe to assume things start to go downhill for Homer the instant he opens his mouth.)

homer stole a bike forgiveness

(Something about this one just seems very wrong. And yet, he is on the right track, asking for forgiveness… So surely that counts for something?)

homer simpson english

(Which begs the question- what language does this guy speak? Drunkenese, perhaps?)

homer simpson ill teach you

(Laughing at Homer’s expense is obviously a very, very bad idea.)

homer simpson dinosaur

(Good point. That actually levels the playing field, if you think about it.)

homer simpson elected officials

(Ha! I’m more than happy to think for myself, thank you very much.)

homer simpson dinner time

(He could easily moonlight as the official Duff Beer mascot.)

homer simpson shut up brain

(Does he even have a brain? Or would he simply be jabbing around in a vast area of emptiness?)

homer simpson making a scene

(A clear indication that his behavior tends to push the limits of acceptable human conduct.)

homer simpson to kill a mocking

(And the moral of the story? Oh, right. Homer wouldn’t recognize a moral if it came crashing down on his head.)

~Have a great weekend, everybody! If you haven’t already, be sure to check out part one of The Wisdom of Homer! ~

(The Wisdom of Homer~Part 2 originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 8/12/16)

The Wisdom of Homer

Finally!

A man of true character!

Alright.

Fine.

His character is questionable, at best.

But he’s definitely got character.

For whatever that’s worth.

No, I’m not referring to the blind Greek poet Homer, who’s credited for creating brilliant works such as The  Odyssey and The Illiad.

Geez!

Lower your standards a couple thousand notches, people!

That’s right.

I’m talking about the great Homer Simpson, of course!

Presenting ten of Homer’s finest, most inspiring motivational quotes to help start your weekend off right:

homer trying

(Well, yeah. I guess that is a valid point.)

homer stupid risks

(Indeed, Homer. Indeed.)

homer don't care

(Again, he’s got a good point.)

homer children future

(Umm… Moving on…)

homer smart

(Close enough.)

homer brain my damage

(No worries. Pretty sure the damage was already done.)

homer never try

(Okay, so I wouldn’t go quite that far..)

homer blame

(Fair enough.)

homer alcohol

(Hey, you can’t have your cake and eat it, too.)

homer education

(It’s safe to assume Homer no longer makes any further attempts at this unnecessary learning nonsense.)

~Happy Friday, everyone! Hope your weekend is amazing!~

(The Wisdom of Homer originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 4/15/16)

Crazy Candy Compulsion

Game Over?

What do you mean, game over?!?

Oh, it’s not like I’m lacking for things to do.

Quite the opposite, actually.

But you’d never know it with the way I’ve been procrastinating.

I’ve got laundry to sort through.

A dishwasher to empty.

Meals to prepare.

Floors to vacuum.

And an assortment of other tasks I’m legitimately forgetting…

Or choose to forget about.

It’s been raining every single day this week.

No sun + tons of rain = no motivation.

I’m behind on everything.

So why not take a break and play a round of Candy Crush?

Or maybe a few hundred rounds, while I’m at it.

Yikes.

I hadn’t played Candy Crush in years.

Yet, this week, I completed over 290 levels in just 3 days.

I don’t know whether to be proud or ashamed for allowing myself to get sucked into such a major time drain.

I might be in need of inspiration.

Or a nap.

But look at all those pretty colors!

It’s candy, for goodness sake!

Candy!

Besides, the game’s claim of “swiping stress away” is too appealing to pass up.

Ooh, look!

I just earned infinite lives!

For two hours only!

Must. Keep. Playing.

It’s rather unfortunate that domestic pursuits don’t motivate me more.

But no.

The curse of being an Undomestic Goddess.

And every level successfully completed rewards me with a declaration of Fantastical!

Which should, theoretically, make me feel good about myself.

Except for the fact that I can’t help but question the actual existence of any such word.

Fantastic, yes.

Fantastico, sure.

But fantastical?

Hmmm.

When all five of my lives are used up, it’s time to do…

Well, whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing that I clearly would rather not be doing.

Sure, I could buy more lives.

But I won’t.

The offer to buy a little extra “help” is just not that appealing.

I’m not necessarily arguing the fact that I need help.

But my guess is that isn’t the kind of help I probably need.

I rarely download games to my phone.

But I do still have a few on my Kindle.

I’ve been reading the same page of the same book over and over for the last two weeks on that very Kindle.

And Candy Crush was just kind of there

So I’m too distracted for distractions like reading.

But I can play for hours on something that’s meant to be played in short bursts.

Go figure.

Suffice it to say, my priorities are sorely lacking lately.

But I did manage to put up Halloween decorations.

And I also walked the dog during a lull from the rain.

So I managed to do something productive.

Oh, and I also scraped a sticky, melted wad of cherry Starburst out of the dryer.

Eww.

I may not excel at domestic things.

But at least my problem solving skills are still intact.

Maybe Candy Crush is good for something, after all…

~Happy weekend, friends! So… What’s your guilty time-wasting pleasure? Haha!~

Swipe the stress away, huh? It's not like I was doing anything productive, anyway...

Swipe the stress away, huh? It’s not like I was doing anything productive, anyway…

Motivation for Turbulent Times

Some days, we just need an extra dose of humor to compensate for life’s crappy challenges.

Some days..

Some weeks…

Hell, even some months…

Yeah.

So here’s a bit of humorous inspiration for anyone who could use a little boost right about now.

(Have you ever seen a sad Cookie Monster? Case in point. Now go eat a cookie and cheer up.)

(If you believe passionately enough, you might soar higher than you ever thought possible! But you might want to put on a cape first, just to be on the safe side…)

(Much like the brain, utilizing one’s entire ass is twice as impactful as using half of it. It’s gotta be all ass or no ass. There’s no in between. Speaking of asses…)

(Butt prints are sooo unflattering. So get up and make amazing things happen!)

(If you do nothing else today, do this one little thing. Talk about an adrenalizing mood booster!)

(They say you can’t keep doing things the exact same way and expect different results. Right? I mean, left…?)

(I’ll be the first to admit, I hate to lose. Hate, hate, hate it. This is where having a warped sense of humor comes in handy.)

(To quote the great Homer Simpson, “Shut up brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-tip!”)

(But seriously, it can kill you if you’re not careful. So be smart and use your brain. You know, the same one you just stabbed with a Q-tip. Whoops!)

(Plants need sunlight to thrive and grow. So do human beings. Without sunlight, we wither like shriveled prunes. So step outside and get your daily dose of mood boosting vitamin D.)

(Amen to that.)

(If all else fails, always remember this one thing: you’re awesome. Because I said so. Enough said.)

~Have a great weekend, friends! Smile, laugh, and always look for that elusive silver lining.~

Back to School Blues

It’s that time again.

Back to school time.

Yippee.

More like back to gaaah!

Can you feel the enthusiasm?

Yeah.

Me, neither.

Nobody wants to get out of bed bright and early for school.

Including me.

Especially me.

The novelty has already worn off.

And it hasn’t even been a full week.

Sure, my boys have been complaining of acute boredom for the last ten weeks.

But rarely is a child so bored that they eagerly anticipate returning to school.

My younger son seems especially over it already.

By day two, his alarm clock lay on the floor in pieces, its batteries scattered haphazardly.

It’s no fun for me, either.

There’s the stressful challenge of packing lunches they’ll actually eat.

And having to make sure they’re sanitary enough to be seen in public.

And worst of all…

Homework.

That’s no fun.

For anyone.

Not only that…

Yesterday, we had to do a second round of school supply shopping.

Because once obviously was neither fun enough nor expensive enough.

Or sanity-endangering enough.

Hooray for Walmart and their disorderly heaps of leftover back to school crap!

I mean, supplies.

And so it’s back to battling the clock.

And traffic.

And Walmart.

Yikes.

But now that the kids are back in school, it’s a great time for me to work on catching up on all the things I’d fallen behind on this summer.

Like cleaning.

And writing.

And reading.

And more cleaning.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I’ve somehow managed to fall behind in life as a whole.

I’d probably settle for catching up on sleep, at this point.

But there’s no rest for the weary.

Or the worried.

It’s hard to sleep while my mind gallops off like a crack-addicted race horse.

By the same token…

It’s also hard to accomplish anything that way.

So much to do.

So little motivation to do any of it.

But, hey.

At least my kids are being more productive at the moment.

They’re probably learning something  at school.

Maybe.

Hopefully.

So long, lazy days of summer.

Hello, back to school madness.

If nothing else, it’s back to devising ways of embarrassing my kids at school functions.

I suppose that counts as being productive.

Right?

~Happy weekend, friends! And Happy Birthday to my favorite mascot boy! Woo hoo!~

Augh! Not this again! Didn't summer just start?!

Augh! Not this again! Didn’t summer just start?!

Taxation Without Education

Where, exactly, are my tax dollars going?

I posed this question to my older son during a game of Trivia Crack after he answered yet another question incorrectly.

His response?

Umm…up your butt?

Hmm.

That’s kinda what I was afraid of.

Incidentally, I just received our 2018 property tax statement.

Let’s just say it ain’t pretty.

Which is precisely why a friendly lunch note reminder seems to be in order:

If nothing more, it’s a helpful lesson in alliteration.

In my son’s defense, though:

I hadn’t learned that yet… I don’t think.

Sigh.

After answering 11 consecutive trivia questions correctly myself, he offered a bit of praise:

You’re not as dumb as I thought!

Thanks.

I think.

Guess you won’t be seeing either of us on Jeopardy anytime soon…

~Happy Friday, friends! No person in history has probably ever been overjoyed about paying taxes. But on that note… Where education is concerned, investing in the future is undoubtedly a worthwhile investment. Have a fantastic weekend!~

Countdown to Colossal Craziness

176 down, 3½  to go!

Days of school, that is. 

My oldest son and I discussed this over breakfast the other morning.

Can you believe it? You only have only a few more days of school! Where has the time gone? 

He thought about it for a moment, before providing his honest input:

Down the toilet?

Interesting.

It’s been yet another enjoyable year of school-related fun, between emails, phone calls, and general chaos as usual.

We’re all tired of the crazed school morning hustles, and afternoons filled with homework that none of us seem to have enough brain cells to sufficiently decipher.

(Hello, Google!)

We all need a break.

I need a break.

It’s so much easier to get myself up and off to work at 3 am than it is to get two zombie kids out of bed and out the door in time for school.

The leftover breakfast carnage of overturned yogurt cups, toast crusts, and banana peels has long gotten old.

And I’m running out of lunch box ideas.

What’s next?

A water bottle and a chocolate bar?

Or maybe that box of powdered sugar that’s been sitting on the counter since last Christmas?

How’s that for a treat?

Well, one thing is for certain:

I may not always know what to pack for lunch, but I sure don’t lack creativity!

In order to remind kids of the high stakes, it's often helpful to add subtly veiled threats directed at mythological creatures.

In order to remind kids of the high stakes, it’s often helpful to add subtly veiled threats directed at mythological creatures.

Nothing spreads joy (or concern) faster than my good old lunch notes!

(Run, unicorns! Run!)

Whew!

We survived!

Well, almost….

~Happy Friday, everyone! For those of you with school-aged kids, you may want to take a moment to indulge in a stiff drink or two before school is out. You know, for sanity’s sake. Have a great weekend!~