Macabre Mobile Memories

A picture is worth a thousand words.

But I don’t need anywhere near a thousand words. 

I just need three:  

What. The. Hell.

I think my phone is trying to tell me something.

Apparently my summer had sucked.

Like, really sucked.

And, according to my smart-ass phone, things have been sucking for the at least the last three months.

Minimum.

I swear, iPhone must be in cahoots with Siri after the latest iOS update.

You see, it oh-so-helpfully decided to categorize my “best” memories in an album it labeled Best of the Last 3 Months.

And in this album are a select handful of so-called best moments, as determined by… a computer.

Evidently, the best of the last few months consist almost entirely of pictures taken while sitting around, passing time at assorted hospitals.

Did it choose these fine photos because my life had been so dull that whenever I’d finally gotten out of the house, it was to go hang out at various hospitals across the city?

Because my summer did indeed revolve heavily on frequenting various medical facilities for various family members at various times.

Especially for my younger son, who had extensive corrective tendon surgery that landed him in bed for six weeks with two full leg casts, doing nothing but playing video games and watching every single cartoon in the world on Netflix.

But right before that, we had spent a fun-filled day at the Great Wolf Lodge.

Apparently that just wasn’t memorable enough. 

Oh, the irony.

And what about the photos of that kick-ass John Cena vs Bill Nye the Science Guy wrestling ring cake I had baked for my older son’s birthday?

Or the ones of both of my boys whacking the crap out of a WWE piñata with a neon orange baseball bat?

Or what about the first day of school, for goodness sake?

Why are those not among my best photos?

Oh, but that one with my son chilling with a visiting therapy dog is actually kind of cute.

And the handful of pictures of my boys dressed in medical gowns, gloves, and masks to visit Grandma in the ICU are actually pretty sweet, too, in some unsettling way.

Amazingly, one or two of the majestic sunsets I’d photographed managed to creep their way into the album, too.

In addition to all the fun hospital photos, there was no shortage of weird screen shots of everything from Chuck E. Cheese to Homer Simpson to a deranged-looking cartoon horse, courtesy of two crazy boys.

And a ton of funny Pokémon Go shots, mostly featuring Pidgeys and Rattatas in wacky places, like in my coffee cup. 

At a hospital, of course.

All I know is I’m afraid to brave a peak at my phone’s Best of the Year album that undoubtedly awaits.

This, evidently, was one of my better memories of recent. Oh, and hospitals are a great place to capture Pokémon, in case you were wondering.

This, evidently, was one of my better memories of recent. Oh, and hospitals are a great place to capture Pokémon, in case you were wondering.

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I’ll Tell You Where to Go!

In need of a relaxing getaway?

Well, sorry.

I can’t exactly help you with that.

But I can help by giving you a dozen suggestions of where not to go!

Check out the names of these unique and bizarre-sounding towns in the USA!

zzyzx-ca

(Pronounced ZYE-zix, this town was clearly named by some smart-ass. Or the town drunk.)

cut-and-shoot-tx

(Well, this is Texas we’re talking about, after all. Don’t expect any cutesy names, like Compromise or Friendshipville. No time for that nonsense!)

slaughterville-ok

(As Texas’s neighbor to the north, this name lends itself beautifully to an obviously shared philosophy. But that’s pretty much where the beauty ends.)

frankenstein-mo

(This place must be a prime destination for Halloween! I wonder if visitors are greeted by Frankenstein himself? )

bat-cave-nc

(The Bat Cave really does exist! But while Batman himself is pretty cool, a cave full of bats is decidedly very uncool and downright creepy.)

spunky-puddle-oh

(I’ve never personally encountered a puddle with so much sass, but I suppose there is a first time for everything…)

humptulips-wa

(I’m not sure I want to know what inspired this creative name. Perhaps a very active rabbit with nothing better to do with its time? Speaking of which…)

rabbit-hash-kt

(I’m so confused. Are we talking hash, as in roadkill? Or hash, as in marijuana? And what the hell is a rabbit doing with marijuana?)

hell-mi

(Where did you go for your vacation? Oh, I just went to Hell for a few days. So good to be back on earth! I mean, home. It’s good to be home. Yeah…)

half-hell-nc

(Can’t commit to the full-blown Hell experience? Then go to Half Hell for a half-assed hellish nightmare!)

why-az

(Why, indeed? Or perhaps the real question here is actually…)

whynot

(That’s right. Why not go to Whynot? It’s such a fine name that two different states boast the claim to this grammatically-incorrect winner!)

Hopefully, this gives you some ideas for planning your next trip.

I already know where I’m not going.

All I know is that if someone tells me to Go to Hell, I think I’ll have to pass.

~Happy Friday, everyone! Have a terrific weekend, and if you plan to travel anytime soon…well, I just hope you’re going someplace that is not on this list! ~

Sleepless in No Man’s Land

I’ve got sleep on the brain…

and that’s pretty much where it seems to stay lately.

Sleep deprivation from hell, thy name is insomnia.

On the positive side…

Since it is almost Halloween, I figure this zombie/walking-corpse look will be in fashion soon enough.

In the meantime, here’s proof that there is indeed humor even in sleepless situations:

insomnia-10

(Much like a tormentous older sibling, it’s a cruel joke between the brain and body that apparently never gets old.)

insomnia-24

(Another fun alternative: One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them, Sam I am! Today is your day! Make that cat go away! Tell that Cat in the Hat you do not want to play! Oh, the places you’ll go!)

insomnia-7

(Nothing beats waking up and starting the day after a refreshing few seconds of sleep!)

insomnia-14

(Is this true? Hell, even if it’s not, I’m gonna start using this line on my boys ASAP.)

insomnia-17

(Counting sheep doesn’t work for me, and crying takes too much effort. What to do?)

insomnia-5

(It’s probably just the reflection in the mirror, but how is it moving so much faster than me?)

insomnia-12

( Reboot, reboot, reboot!)

insomnia-6

(Right, because telling myself to close my eyes and claim that remaining 2 hours and 36 minutes of available sleep time will magically do the trick after those previous 83 failed attempts.)

insomnia-20

(But by that point, will we even recognize each other anymore?)

insomnia-9

(I don’t do normal very well, so in an effort to be unique, my body insists on subsisting on no more than twelve minutes of sleep.)

insomnia-11

(Ah, blue! No, black! No, wait! Green! Ok, ok. Enough of this crap. Let’s just stick with black. It is the color of mystery…right?)

insomnia-16

(While neither of my kids qualify as babies anymore, it’s true that once you become a parent, you will never sleep again. Let that sink in for a moment…)

Still can’t sleep?

Make a puppet show!

With socks!

No, not for the kids. 

They’ve been asleep for hours.

Hey, what do you think you’re doing?

Wake up!

Insomnia is calling!

~Happy Friday, friends! Hope your week has been wonderful!~

Exotic Pets from Hell

Searching for an untraditional pet for the kids?

Got an empty fish tank, cage, or bathtub you’d like to bring new life to?

Well, look no further!

Meet Aye-Aye, a freaky-looking Madagascar Lemur with massive eyes, enormous ears, and incredibly long fingers.

Just think of the countless hours you can spend gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes!

This is one staring contest I just can't win.

This is one staring contest I just can’t win.

Kids love Guinea Pigs, so why not take it one step further with a more unconventional route that will make all their friends jealous?

The South American native Capybara is the world’s largest rodent, weighing in at a mere 150 lbs.

He’s oh so huggable and cuddly!

With webbed feet, he’d also make a fine swimming partner on those hot summer days.

But keep in mind, they do need companionship, so a pair of Capybaras would be optimal.

Look how cute and cuddly this guy is! He's like a giant bunny rabbit...minus the long ears and adorable little tail.

Look how cute and cuddly this guy is! He’s like a giant bunny rabbit…minus the long ears and adorable little tail.

Any kid can catch an insect and stick it in a jar, but why not go for something a bit more fascinating?

Cue the Leaf Insect.

His camouflage makes him invisible, to both predators and as a predator himself.

Just a heads up, though…

When raising a fork-full of salad greens to your mouth, do everyone a favor and take a close look to ensure you are not about to devour the family pet.

I wonder if this little guy packs the same nutritional punch as a serving of spinach?

I wonder if this little guy packs the same nutritional punch as a serving of spinach?

Introducing the Giant Coconut Crab.

Yes, he will indeed eat a coconut if he manages to get his claws around one.

As the world’s largest arthropod, he eats mostly fruits and nuts.

And maybe an annoying kid brother, with any luck.

Yikes! I'm not gonna lie...this one scares me a little bit.

Yikes! I’m not gonna lie…this one scares me a little bit.

What is that smell?

The sadly misaligned skunk is truly just a pet waiting for a good home.

Skunks are loving, playful, and intelligent.

Perhaps even cuddly, depending on how adventurous you are.

Get one of these babies, and you will undoubtedly be the only person brave enough in your state (or entire region) to own one.

How can anyone not find this utterly adorable? Wait, what is that horrendous stench?

How can anyone not find this utterly adorable? Wait, what is that horrendous stench?

Interested in a pet you’ll only have to deal with once in a blue moon?

Then the Indian Purple Frog is just right for you!

Living above ground only two weeks out of the year, this frog spends the other 50 weeks under the ground, mating.

Talk about a low maintenance pet.

He’ll be around long enough to keep the kids interested and gone long enough for them to miss him.

For some strange reason, I can't picture getting too cuddly with this slimy fellow.

For some strange reason, I can’t picture getting too cuddly with this slimy fellow.

The Maui’s Dolphin is sure to be a hit with the whole family.

These dolphins love to blow bubbles and play.

The most rare and smallest subspecies of dolphin, a female will grow to only five feet.

If you have a large garden tub in the guest bathroom, or a giant empty fish tank in the family room, the wait is over!

Now this is the pet I've been waiting my whole life for! My garden tub is finally going to fulfill its true purpose!

Now this is the pet I’ve been waiting my whole life for! My garden tub is finally going to fulfill its true purpose!

While all the other families in the neighborhood have the requisite cats and dogs, you will be the envy of them all.

With just a few minor adaptations, you’ll be ready to bring home a wonderful new exotic pet!

~Happy Friday, everyone! Hope you all enjoyed a little piece of offbeat insanity! Have a great weekend!~