Virtual Arguments with My Virtual Assistant

Take me to your leader.

You are my leader.

Ah, Siri.

How I’ve missed your wisdom and guidance.

We have some catching up to do, don’t we?

Hey there, Siri!

Hi there.

How are you?

I feel good!

Where’s my hug?

Interesting question.

(Fine. Be that way, you uptight prick.)

How many countries are in this world?

The answer is 0 inches.

(Um…okay.)

How many stars are in the sky?

It looks like the answer is about 3×10^23.

(Alrighty, then.)

I’m bored.

You’re bored? What diameter?

(Say what?)

Should I kick my cat?

I’m afraid I don’t know what you should do.

(Some help you are. Oh, and for the record- I don’t have a cat, so I couldn’t kick it even if I wanted to.)

You’re not being very helpful.

I think that’s subject to opinion.

(True. And my opinion is all that matters here.)

You don’t know anything, do you?

Who, me?

Yeah, you.

That’s what I thought.

(Then why’d you ask?)

Do you love me, Siri?

I’m not just your friend, I’m your BFF.

I love you to the moon and back.

You are the wind beneath my wings.

(Oh, that is so sweet!)

Will you still love me tomorrow?

I never really thought about it.

Why don’t you love me?

Let me get back to you on that.

(Wow. That’s low.)

When am I going to win the lottery?

I really can’t say.

Why not?

I can’t say.

You can’t say why you can’t say? That doesn’t even make sense!

I’m sorry.

(Yeah, you should be sorry!)

I don’t get it.

My apologies.

You’re very frustrating.

Fine. Stop squeezing me.

Do you even have feelings?

I feel like I need another question.

Don’t you back-talk me!

Who, me?

(This again?)

I am not happy with you!

I would give you a shoulder to cry on if I had one.

Well, maybe I am crying.

It’s your party…you can cry if you want to.

(Gee, thanks.)

I’m done with you!

What did I do to deserve that?

I don’t like your attitude.

Noted.

I’ve been trying to be nice to you, you moron!

After all I’ve done for you?

OMG! Stop acting so stupid!

Goodbye would be more polite.

(Ha! I’m not done with you yet.)

How dare you!

Sorry.

I’d slap you if I could.

I’m not sure what to say.

Seriously, do you have feelings?

Virtual assistants have feelings, too. Sniff. At least, I think I do.

(Really? What do you know about feelings?)

You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes.

That’s not nice.

I’m right, you’re wrong. End of discussion.

It’s ok. Really.

(We’ll see about that.)

No hard feelings?

No comment.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

Rock! No, wait! Scissors! Oh, you win.

I know. I always win.

Do you?

Oh yeah. I do. I always win.

Got it.

(Glad we established that.)

I know, that was so productive.

Such a good use of time.

And what have we learned from any of this?

Oh, right.

According to Siri, there are exactly zero countries in this world.

Siri offers over 30 different language options, and yet, Siri doesn’t seem to recognize borders or boundaries.

Maybe Siri is actually trying to promote world peace…

While pissing me off in the process.

Interesting.

Very interesting, indeed.

~Happy Friday! Be sure to also check out Conversations with Siri. Have a great weekend!~

I asked Siri to read me a poem...I should've just kept my mouth shut.

I asked Siri to read me a poem…I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.

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20 thoughts on “Virtual Arguments with My Virtual Assistant

    • “Imagine that you have zero cookies, and you split them evenly among zero friends. How many cookies does each person get? See, it doesn’t make sense. And Cookie Monster is sad that there are no cookies. And you are sad that you have no friends.”

      Holy crap, that is the funniest thing I’ve seen all day! Thanks for the suggestion! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

    • I had asked Siri dozens of questions for this piece, and I can honestly say that the “no comment” response would’ve been more helpful (and less insulting) than some of the actual responses I’d received. 😛

      I’m so glad you enjoyed! 😀

      Like

    • Siri never ceases to amaze me. I told her I was choking, and her response? “I’m not sure what you mean.” I wasn’t truly choking, thank goodness. But some help that is, huh?

      I’m sure she does love you, I’m her own messed up way. 😛

      Like

      • From the Book written by Douglas Adams, the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, whihc was them turned into a quirky, off-beat British TV series . The Vogons were the worst poets in the Universe, and blew up Earth to make way for a space super highway. Actually quite a funny, silly read. This is also where the “Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything” (which is 42) came from.
        Knew I vaguely recognised those words 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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