Bigly Bestest Ball Addict

@thebiglybestestdoggie:  Momma says if I don’t drop this ball soon, my face just might freeze this way. Surely she’s joking. Oh, who am I kidding? It’d be totally worth it!

~Happy Tuesday! Some people like to chew gum, other people gnaw on toothpicks… And doggies? Well, they’re as lost as a human without a cell phone when there’s no ball around. The horror!~

Advertisements

Rogue Rotisserie Nosh

More skin!

Give me more skin!

Ooh, it’s so soft!

And the bone is so weak!

Yeah.

So, I made the mistake of buying a rotisserie chicken.

For the boys, not myself.

I don’t eat meat.

And I’d prefer not to look at it, either.

But life is seldom so accommodating.

And so I sit there, watching my child wave around some chunk of chicken that appears to still have a butt attached.

Or maybe it’s a thigh.

Either way, I don’t want any part of it.

Yet there he sits, unwittingly recreating the scene from Star Wars: The Last Jedi, when Chewbacca prepares to devour a freshly prepped Porg in front of all the other Porgs.

Months later,  I still can’t help but wonder-

Was that Mama Porg?

Or one of their idolized big brothers?

Or perhaps it was their wise, Yoda-like grandfather figure?

I’ll never be able to look at Chewbacca the same way.

At any rate, the chunk of rotisserie chicken looked eerily like the rotisserie Porg in that moment.

No, my son doesn’t particularly resemble Chewy, aside from the dark brown fur.

I mean, hair.

But they both make similar, indecipherable noises.

Hmmm.

Maybe my son is actually a Porg-eating Chewbacca progeny…

Whoa.

I’ve gotten a bit off topic.

As the child continues to exhibit more animal-like conduct than an actual animal, I don’t know whether to be mildly amused, mortified, or just downright disgusted.

The Bigly Bestest Doggie surreptitiously creeps into the kitchen.

With big puppy dog eyes and preemptive lip smacking, he secures his position.

He settles in under the kitchen table and enthusiastically began his complimentary floor licking service.

Maybe, just maybe.

It’s no secret kids are notorious for getting more food on the floor than actually into their mouths.

I sadistically find myself almost wishing the doggie will leap up onto the kitchen table and scarf down the rest of chicken, effectively putting an end to this horror show.

But alas, his manners are disappointingly impeccable.

Mmm, yummy chicken!

Are you sure you don’t want some?

Come on, have a bite!

Right.

I haven’t eaten meat since I was 15, and I’m not about to start now.

Especially with something that’s probably a Porg.

~Happy Friday, friends! Have a great weekend!~

Is it any wonder those poor Porgs always look so sad

Is it any wonder those poor Porgs always look so sad?

Bigly Bestest Pizza Pirate

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Well, well, well. What do we have here? Looks to me like a giant box of treats… Could it be?  Must. Move. Quickly. Eye on the prize! Eye on the prize!

~Happy Tuesday, everyone! Who wants pizza? Sadly for Jett, the box was totally empty. But if he ever manages to get his paws on some, he said might consider sharing. Maybe…~

Jail (For a) Break

Do people ever break in to jail?

No?

Well, I suppose there’s a first time for everything.

Most days, I drive by the local police station.

Some days, I’m tempted to turn myself in.

For a crime I haven’t even committed.

After being imprisoned in a vehicle with two brawling beasts for a matter of mere minutes…

Let’s just say a much-needed break is in order.

A vacation, if you will.

With free room and board.

And courtyards.

And even a complimentary library.

What’s not to like?

Sure, prison food might leave a bit to be desired.

But at least I wouldn’t have to do the cooking.

I’d say that probably qualifies as an acceptable trade-off.

And yes, amenities may be lacking.

But just think:

A break from never-ending heaps of laundry!

And from vacuuming and mopping!

And from stepping on Legos dangerously scattered across every inch of floor!

Oh, and what’s this I hear about free healthcare?

Just give me a couple of books, and a notebook and a pen, and I’ll be good to go.

But first, I need a plausible excuse.

You know…

People do get arrested for not wearing a seat belt.

And sometimes for using profanity in public places.

I even had a teacher in high school who managed to get thrown in jail for jaywalking.

Or what about twerking in public?

Surely, that could land a bit of time away from it all?

Some states have really bizarre laws that could earn some time in the slammer.

Did you know it’s illegal to drive blindfolded in Alabama?

(I don’t know why anyone would, but okay…)

And in Iowa, you simply can’t throw a brick onto a highway.

(Good luck pulling that one off.)

And in Missouri, bear wrestling is banned.

(Now we’re talking!)

And North Carolina heavily frowns upon Drunk Bingo.

(Woo hoo! Sounds like a good time!)

Oh, but there are no beaches in jail.

So maybe that’s not quite the right place for me.

Yeah.

Come to think of it, what I truly need is a relaxing trip to the beach…

~Happy Friday, friends! Hope you enjoy a bit of a break this weekend!~

Ah! Just what the doctor ordered...

Ah! Just what the doctor ordered…

Bigly Bestest Valentine

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Roses are red. Violets are blue. Give me a yummy Valentine’s treat, or I am sooo done with you! 

Just kidding! But seriously, do I get a treat or what?

Just kidding! But seriously, do I get a treat or what?

~Happy (almost) Valentine’s Day! Hope you all enjoy a delightful day with your loved ones… both human and furry!~

Fundamentally Fashion Impaired

Dresses made out of trash bags.

Jumpsuits that resemble prison attire.

Crotchless jeans.

Um, hello?!?

Why do I always feel like I’m missing something?

Why would anyone want to parade around in attire that gives the disturbing impression of having just kicked Big Bird’s ass and then using his fashionable feathers to flaunt their victory?

I simply don’t get the world of fashion.

It’s so…

Weird.

And not the good kind of weird, either.

Haven’t these designers ever heard of yoga pants?

Or lounge pants?

Or better yet, pjs?

If not, they’re totally missing out.

Comfort should never be underestimated.

Who is all this eccentric stuff designed for, anyway?

Surely not most human beings?

Erma Bombeck said it best:

“Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.”

This stuff possibly can’t be meant for real life.

I don’t know.

Maybe I don’t get out enough.

Or maybe I’m not normal.

And I’m perfectly okay with that.

But come on.

Who wears this stuff?

It’s like fashion from another planet.

Ooh, maybe that’s what this is!

Intergalactic fashion!

Garbage can lids for hats.

Rompers made from mops.

Boots that are furrier than a wooly mammoth.

Talk about statement pieces.

And celebrities only perpetuate the madness.

How about Lady Gaga’s infamous meat dress?

Or Bjork’s weird swan dress?

Or Katy Perry’s memorable carousel dress?

Somebody intentionally created these monstrosities.

Some of those outfits would result in common folk getting thrown in the slammer for indecent exposure.

Especially with a scarcely concealing dress made out of meat, for heaven’s sake.

But celebrities?

They can get away with strutting down through town wearing nothing more than a sheer scarf as a top and car mats for a skirt.

That’s fashion.

Using one’s body as a kooky canvas like that…

Well, Picasso would simply be horrified.

But the madness doesn’t stop there.

When I go shopping for clothes, it gets overwhelming sometimes.

Is that garment supposed to be a tube top or a dress?

Or is it intended to be worn as a cape?

And that freakish in-between-fingers ring…

Is it meant to be a weapon?

All I know is somebody’s gonna get hurt.

And it’s usually me.

Especially when sadistic curiosity gets the better of me and I take a questionable garment into the dressing room.

Which appendage is supposed to go through which strap?

Surely this can’t possibly be a dress if it doesn’t even begin to cover my butt…?

Why does this shirt seem to have three arm holes?

I truly don’t want to end up in ER after accidentally knocking myself out by trying to cram my unsuspecting head into a narrow little arm hole.

But I’ve lost track of the amount of times I’ve managed to clobber my own face while trying on some sort of whimsical attire.

Simplicity is the key for me.

I can live without Star Trek inspired looks.

Or leopard print from head to toe.

Or aluminum foil onesies.

These concepts are certainly costume party worthy, if nothing else.

And not only are these crazy pieces…well, crazy, they’re insanely expensive.

If you spend $2,000 on a hideous fringe-covered, barf-green purse- I mean handbag– will you actually have anything left to put in it?

It might be nice to have money left over to do other things.

Like eat.

And maybe even pay the mortgage.

Not to be a slave to the money-draining, ever-changing world of fashion.

I can’t do high maintenance.

It’s too exhausting.

And that level of quirkiness is far too much.

Even for me.

Some people spend ten dollars on clothing and look like a million bucks.

Some people spend a million bucks and look like disheveled cow-wrangling floozies.

It’s all in how you wear it.

So be true to yourself and wear whatever makes you feel like a million bucks.

Especially if you’ve actually spent a million bucks.

~Happy Friday, friends! Clearly, fashion is relative. Just ask that poor doggie in the picture. Have a great weekend!~

It seems anything goes in the world of fashion...

It seems anything goes in the world of fashion…

Bigly Bestest Chilly Chillin’

@thebiglybestestdoggie: I don’t care if it’s only 15 degrees out! What part of I WANT TO PLAY FETCH do you not understand?  Okay, okay. Maybe I will just sit here in front of this nice warm fireplace with my blankie and ball until Spring…

~Happy Tuesday, everyone! For those of you in the Northern Hemisphere, hope you’re managing to stay warm this winter and enjoying a few lazy days along the way. For anyone in the Southern Hemisphere, it’s probably safe to say this doggie wishes he was there right now, playing fetch under the warm summer sun.~

Rhymes with Croak

Just do you.

I could totally get behind that mantra.

Truly, I’d love to.

If the context were to be completely different.

Ah.

Diet Coke.

With their newest commercial, they’ve accomplished the impossible.

Defiantly boasting of the coolness of doing whatever the hell you want, with an alarming tone reeking of utter desperation…

Let’s just say they’ve stooped to a new low.

You want to run a marathon?

Why would you want to do that?

It sounds super hard.

Just have a Diet Coke!

Yeah, we know it’s bad for your health.

But who cares?

Might as well die happy while all your organs start mutating and eating you alive from the inside out!

Way to go, Coca-Cola.

You’re empowering people to be the utmost mediocre versions of themselves.

I’m impressed.

You’re all but admitting your product is total crap, while encouraging people to aim low.

What a spectacular way to rebrand.

It’s the quintessential opposite of Nike’s Just Do It slogan.

But I get it.

Sales are plummeting as people become more health conscious, and you guys need to convince your target audience that your product is still relevant and cool.

So now you’re trying hard to appeal to millennials.

Just do you.

You only live once.

So why not develop a fine new addiction?

Coca-Cola or cocaine?

Either kind of coke will probably do.

After all, why the hell not?

YOLO, right?

Ooooh!

Look at all the pretty new colorful cans!

They’re so…tall!

And so slender!

And still every bit as bad for you!

But who cares!

YOLO!

Yeah, I know.

Serves me right for watching five minutes of Hulu after last week’s trashing.

But still.

Because I can!

Clever catchphrase, paired up with idiotic rationale.

Diet Coke makes you feel good!

Just like drugs!

Oh, you love meth?

It makes you feel great?

That’s awesome!

You keep right on doing you!

Everyone and everything else be damned.

Did you know Coke is great for shining pennies and removing rust from toilets?

And also for removing skunk odors…?

Which begs the question:

How could it not be good for your insides?

Sure, it can cause breakouts.

And mood swings.

And metabolic disorders.

But what’s not to love?

Why run a super hard marathon when you can just drink a Diet Croak?

Uh, I mean, Coke.

At least completing a marathon is something one can look back on with some degree of pride.

So what are you proud of?

Oh, I just had a Diet Coke.

Because I can.

I’m a badass, defiant rebel like that.

Uh huh.

That’s right.

Because. I. Can.

I don’t know about you, but I think I’d rather live in a yurt.

I hate to say it, but desperation is not an attractive look for you, Diet Coke.

~Happy Friday, friends! For the record, if you’re a fan of Diet Coke, I’m not judging you in the least. I merely found this style of “marketing” to be too humorous to not poke fun at. Have a fantastic weekend!~

When the first part of your name starts with "die", incognito may be the way to go...

When the first part of your name starts with “die”, incognito may be the way to go…