Fundamentally Fashion Impaired

Dresses made out of trash bags.

Jumpsuits that resemble prison attire.

Crotchless jeans.

Um, hello?!?

Why do I always feel like I’m missing something?

Why would anyone want to parade around in attire that gives the disturbing impression of having just kicked Big Bird’s ass and then using his fashionable feathers to flaunt their victory?

I simply don’t get the world of fashion.

It’s so…

Weird.

And not the good kind of weird, either.

Haven’t these designers ever heard of yoga pants?

Or lounge pants?

Or better yet, pjs?

If not, they’re totally missing out.

Comfort should never be underestimated.

Who is all this eccentric stuff designed for, anyway?

Surely not most human beings?

Erma Bombeck said it best:

“Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.”

This stuff possibly can’t be meant for real life.

I don’t know.

Maybe I don’t get out enough.

Or maybe I’m not normal.

And I’m perfectly okay with that.

But come on.

Who wears this stuff?

It’s like fashion from another planet.

Ooh, maybe that’s what this is!

Intergalactic fashion!

Garbage can lids for hats.

Rompers made from mops.

Boots that are furrier than a wooly mammoth.

Talk about statement pieces.

And celebrities only perpetuate the madness.

How about Lady Gaga’s infamous meat dress?

Or Bjork’s weird swan dress?

Or Katy Perry’s memorable carousel dress?

SomebodyΒ intentionally created these monstrosities.

Some of those outfits would result in common folk getting thrown in the slammer for indecent exposure.

Especially with a scarcely concealing dress made out of meat, for heaven’s sake.

But celebrities?

They can get away with strutting down through town wearing nothing more than a sheer scarf as a top and car mats for a skirt.

That’s fashion.

Using one’s body as a kooky canvas like that…

Well, Picasso would simply be horrified.

But the madness doesn’t stop there.

When I go shopping for clothes, it gets overwhelming sometimes.

Is that garment supposed to be a tube top or a dress?

Or is it intended to be worn as a cape?

And that freakish in-between-fingers ring…

Is it meant to be a weapon?

All I know is somebody’s gonna get hurt.

And it’s usually me.

Especially when sadistic curiosity gets the better of me and I take a questionable garment into the dressing room.

Which appendage is supposed to go through which strap?

Surely this can’t possibly be a dress if it doesn’t even begin to cover my butt…?

Why does this shirt seem to have three arm holes?

I truly don’t want to end up in ER after accidentally knocking myself out by trying to cram my unsuspecting head into a narrow little arm hole.

But I’ve lost track of the amount of times I’ve managed to clobber my own face while trying on some sort of whimsical attire.

Simplicity is the key for me.

I can live without Star Trek inspired looks.

Or leopard print from head to toe.

Or aluminum foil onesies.

These concepts are certainly costume party worthy, if nothing else.

And not only are these crazy pieces…well, crazy, they’re insanely expensive.

If you spend $2,000 on a hideous fringe-covered, barf-green purse- I mean handbag– will you actually have anything left to put in it?

It might be nice to have money left over to do other things.

Like eat.

And maybe even pay the mortgage.

Not to be a slave to the money-draining, ever-changing world of fashion.

I can’t do high maintenance.

It’s too exhausting.

And that level of quirkiness is far too much.

Even for me.

Some people spend ten dollars on clothing and look like a million bucks.

Some people spend a million bucks and look like disheveled cow-wrangling floozies.

It’s all in how you wear it.

So be true to yourself and wear whatever makes you feel like a million bucks.

Especially if you’ve actually spent a million bucks.

~Happy Friday, friends! Clearly, fashion is relative. Just ask that poor doggie in the picture. Have a great weekend!~

It seems anything goes in the world of fashion...

It seems anything goes in the world of fashion…

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58 thoughts on “Fundamentally Fashion Impaired

  1. It’s ironic I’m reading this now because I swear in the last couple of weeks alone I’ve seen about a dozen people who the media was touting as having fashion sense and they looked to me instead as if they had no common sense. I think the bar is really low for what passes as fashionable these days. Deliberate holes and tears in clothes, for example…I just don’t get it.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I don’t ever know if I’m “on trend” because I don’t pay attention to what “on trend” is. If I need new clothes, I go pick out something I like (which seems to continuously be harder to find). I don’t understand why almost all t-shirts made today are paper thin.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I agree with you. Where whatever you want because you simply like it. Once people begin feeling comfortable with their own existence, the “Joneses” becomes unimportant. I am a sweatpants and sweatshirt guy during the winter. It doesn’t get more comfortable than that!

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Haha! Nice.

    I come by way of Rachel’s Sunday Social. As a lover of odd fashion, this piece made me giggle and somewhat reminded me of me. I’m a guy but I love short shorts, so much that I wrote a guide on how to cut a pair of β€œDavy” Dukes (a term I coined as a male equivalent of the ever-(in)famous Daisy Dukes). Needless to say I’ve gotten more than my share of weird stares. By all means, check it out if you’re so inclined or want to be amused yourself: https://inkedautist.wordpress.com/2017/11/15/inked-autist-style-davy-dukes-the-complete-guide/

    I agree it’s all in how you wear it, and I wear my DD’s with pride, a look of confidence and a β€œF-you” attitude to those who don’t like it.

    Anyway, thanks for the laugh. Needed it tonight. I think I’ll follow. πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 3 people

    • Pleasure meeting you, Lynn! I read your post, and laughed hysterically over your comment about how you’re probably featured somewhere on People of Walmart. πŸ˜›

      Always be true to yourself. That’s the most priceless gift you can ever give yourself. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m with you on comfort, the yoga pants/lounge pants/PJ’s. Were these celebrity looks for REAL? Yikes! This one was my favorite: “They can get away with strutting down through town wearing nothing more than a sheer scarf as a top and car mats for a skirt.” I own both those items, but never considered wearing them as an outfit. LOL, Quirky, keep ’em coming. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 3 people

    • You mean you wouldn’t wear car mats in public? Surely at least you’d go for the sheer scarf…? No? Yeah, me neither. πŸ˜†

      And yes, the meat dress and swan dress AND carousel dress all actually happened. Scary, I know. The other disturbing trends (i.e. crotchless jeans, garbage can lid hat, etc) were witnessed at various fashion show runways. For real! πŸ˜‚

      Liked by 3 people

  6. Hahahah this made me chuckle! I’ve often wondered whether I’m missing something too when I look at a lot of ‘fashionable attire’ in shops lately! Crotchless jeans, jeans that are cut off and frayed horribly and holes all over them and worse. I’ll stick to simple, straightforward and practical myself! πŸ™‚
    Caz xx

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Brilliant! I think I’ve got more into comfort as I’ve got older, I used to wear high heels to work every day, now I wear whatever is most comfortable to walk the dog in first! Normal everyday people want normal every day clothes, you are so right 😁

    Liked by 2 people

  8. This was way too funny Angelica! Your perspective on the world really rings true! I guess for some people it’s style before comfort. For me, it’s all about comfort. At my age, I could care less if I’m fashionable. It’s great that I’m not the only one that sees the world like you do.

    Liked by 2 people

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