A Dynamic Duo

Two of the most dreaded things in life:

Going to the doctor…

And waiting.

Pair those two things together and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.

Especially when you add a couple of kids to the mix.

Then things really start to get ugly.

Yeah.

It’s a disastrous combination.

Meow Mix tastes like crap!

When is that guy coming in here again?

This, evidently, is how my boys enjoy passing the painful expanse of time waiting for the doctor.

Eww! Who farted?

Are you sure it wasn’t you?

Poop smells terrible…ly good!

What is the matter with you?

I’m tired! And I’ve had too much caffeine!

The room goes silent for a brief moment before they move on to battling it out over the leather spinning stool.

Oooh! It’s so soft and smooth. It’s like hugging the inside of a cow!

(As a vegetarian, this thought is especially unpleasing to me.)

They direct their attention to whatever Nintendo DS game they’d brought along for the ride.

This level sucks! Freaking Mario! You suck so bad!

The door to the room opens, and my older child redirects his attention.

He accusingly points at the doctor and indignantly exclaims:

We’ve been waiting forever for you! What took so long?!?

Don’t talk to the doctor like that! I’ll slap you!

Here, I’ll take care of that.

And he slaps himself.

Can we go to 7-11 and get Slurpees after this?

I don’t think so. Stupidity equals no Slurpees. 

I’m gonna stick a cactus in your eye!

If your murder me, you’ll go to jail!

I’m gonna throw you off a three-story building! No, off a ten-story building! No, off the Empire State Building!  

(Note: this is not at all what I envision when I encourage them to aim high.)

Keep that up and you’re going to be on America’s Most Wanted.

What’s America’s Most Wanted?

At this point, the doctor good-naturedly interjects:

You don’t want to be on wanted posters in post offices all over the country, do you?

Ooh, yeah! I want to be on America’s Most Wanted!

Can you hurry up and give him his shots now?

I’ll throw you out the window!

No, you won’t.

Last time you had to get shots, you screamed like a girl!

Why you gotta be so rude?

Augh! Don’t you dare! Don’t you do it!

Hold still or they’re gonna send a football player in to tackle you for your shot!

Wanna go? Come on. I’ll take you down!

The doctor’s gonna whack you with his reflex hammer if you don’t knock it off.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, good job! You did it! 

And just like that, it was all over.

Can we go out to dinner?

Ha! Like I’m going to take anyone anywhere after that mayhem.

But at least we made it out of there without any of us ending up on America’s Most Wanted.

~Happy Saturday, friends! Have a fantastic weekend!~

Why settle for brawling at home when you can share the joy by brawling in public?

Why settle for brawling at home when you can share the joy by brawling in public?

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The Air up There

Fun fact:

The average couple in Delaware fights 24 times more frequently in a single month than the average UFC fighter battles it out in an entire year.

A whopping 73 times per month, to be exact.

Um, what?!?

How are there even enough hours in the day for that?

Do people have to schedule their brawls on the calendar?

Set daily fight reminders on their phones?

Dedicate extra time during the workday to hostile quarreling by text?

And what’s all the arguing even about in the first place?

Team Yankees or Team Red Sox?

Potato or potahto?

Blue-green or green-blue?

Seriously, what the hell?

Do people keep an ongoing list of possible topics to argue about?

I’m all for making to-do lists, but not of this particular variety.

Have these people not heard of choosing their battles?

Or do they all thrive on the thrill of perpetually high blood pressure?

Did they all marry complete assholes?

Or their polar opposites, at the very least?

Or possibly something from a different species altogether?

Like a boxing kangaroo?

I don’t know whether to congratulate the people of Delaware for setting such a high precedent or recommend that they all seek psychiatric help.

ASAP.

Because this can’t possibly be good for their health.

Where did they find these people to survey, anyway?

The county jail?

Preferably people who are guaranteed to be featured on upcoming episodes of Cops?

I’m personally a fan of peace, so this is all well beyond my level of comprehension.

73 arguments.

In one month.

With the same person.

This number doesn’t even factor in all the other human beings they’re all forced to interact with in the course of a day.

Does anyone in Delaware have inner peace?

Because I’m getting ulcers just thinking about it.

The national average for arguments between couples is only 19 times a month.

Still a fairly hefty number.

But it pales greatly in comparison to good ol’ Delaware.

What the hell is in the air in Delaware?

The EPA must really be letting things slide there.

Why is there no travel ban in place for Delaware?

Bickering, brawling, squabbling…

I’m starting to wonder if it has anything to do with the close proximity to Washington, D.C.?

Maybe these are all attorneys who are paid to argue for a living?

And then they leave work and continue to argue with their spouses/significant others?

Delaware.

The very first state.

The Diamond State.

The Greeks believed diamonds were tears of the gods.

Kinda makes sense.

I’m sure there are plenty of tears being shed with all this mayhem.

Nowadays, diamonds are viewed as a symbol of love.

And I’m sure there’s plenty of love in Delaware.

Or not.

Alaska, on the other hand, sets the standard with the least amount of arguing.

A relatively miniscule nine arguments per month.

It’s probably far too cold there for anyone to even bother getting out of bed in the first place.

Hey, wait a second!

Maybe that’s the solution to all of life’s problems…

~It’s time to mix things up a bit! Starting next week, Comically Quirky will be adding an exciting new mini-feature! Back by popular demand, Jett the Dog (a.k.a. @thebiglybestestdoggie) will star in Tuesday Tails ‘n’ Tweets, as he shares more hilariously quirky random thoughts about the challenges of…well…being a dog. So stay tuned, and have a great weekend!~

There's something in the air in Delaware, and it ain't good...

There’s something in the air in Delaware, and it ain’t good…

Apocalyptic Annoyance

Knock it off!

Make me!

You wanna go?!?

Sigh.

Some people get up and start the day with yoga and meditation.

But not us.

Oh, no.

We get up and start brawling.

It makes life so much more exciting.

Hey, no fair! He’s got more cereal than me!

Nuh uh! Why do you have more cereal than me?

Whack!

What was that for?

I wanted that book!

Well, I had it first!

Shut up!

No, you shut up!

I’m telling!

Not if I tell first!

Mom!!!!!

Mealtime has always been painful in this household.

One child eats only as a means of survival…

And even then, only by force.

Meanwhile, the other one “helps” clear his brother’s plate.

In the most annoying manner possible, of course.

Well…

Life is all about balance, I suppose.

Stop looking at me!

I’m not looking at you!

Knock it off, or I’ll lick you!

Mooooommmmm!!!!!

One boy reaches over and snatches a single piece of dry cereal out of his brother’s dish.

I need more food! He ate most of mine!

And so the flailing begins.

Between foot stomps and arm twists…

And pinches, punches, and pokes…

It’s little wonder I’m such a fan of finger foods.

No way am I encouraging the use of utensils if not absolutely necessary.

Fencing with forks?

Slapping with spoons?

Noogying with knives?

No, thank you.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Boo.

Boo hoo?

Why are you crying?

Shut up!

No, you shut up!

Alrighty then.

I like trains!

You’re rude!

I like turtles!

And rotten!

Cheese! Cheese! Cheese!

And you’re annoying!

I swear, sometimes I can’t help but marvel at how I’m the most normal person in the room.

Yeah? Well, you’re mean!

No, you’re mean!

I like cheese with my squirrels,

I like squirrels with my cheese!

OMG! Why are you being so annoying?

Smell my feet! SMELL them!

You wanna go?!?

And so ended breakfast…

~Happy Friday, everyone! Hope you’ve had a great week! Enjoy your weekend, and try to stay out of trouble. Well, maybe a little mischief won’t hurt…~

I'm fairly certain my child invented this impressively annoying catchphrase...

I’m fairly certain my child invented this impressively annoying catchphrase…