The Dream Team is in the house!
The White House that is.
Fed up with politics?
I know my head is gonna explode if all the word vomit from both sides continues.
Enough, already!
And what is the deal with all these Back to the Future type of predictions coming true lately?
First the Cubs won the World Series.
(Yeah!)
And now…
Sixteen years after a Simpsons episode titled Bart to the Future had aired, where Lisa Simpson had become president – following a Donald presidency, in a seemingly far-fetched and highly satirical scenario…
Hmmm.
Well, it appears The Simpsons writer Dan Greaney had predicted the future.
On that note, I personally like the idea of the Simpsons in the White House.
That’s right, the Simpsons.
And I’m guessing many more in America would agree, seeing as how we’ve kept them as part of our families and households for well over two decades.
Sure, they’re all fictional characters.
But…
They’re the family everyone in America can feel great about!
I would’ve assigned Lisa Simpson Presidential honors, as was rightfully bestowed upon her in that episode, but if we’ve learned nothing else this week, it’s that this country isn’t quite ready for a female president.
Sorry, Lisa.
Maybe next time.
Anyway…
Presenting President Homer J. Simpson and his All-Star Presidential Cabinet, consisting of some of Springfield’s finest!
Homer Simpson, President of the United States
Finally, a man of the people and for the people! Homer has promised to utilize donuts to promote world peace. He brings with him numerous years of experience at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Sure, he can be lazy, incompetent, and downright dangerous at times, and also spends most of his waking hours getting wasted at Moe’s Tavern. But deep down, he’s not so bad.
Ned Flanders, Vice President
Though far from Homer’s favorite person, Homer’s advisers recommended his neighbor Flanders to balance out Homer’s outbursts and bouts of stupidity. Good-natured and mild-tempered, Flanders can help ease any situation Homer manages to land them in. He consistently upholds moral values with his honesty and the basic human decency that Homer tends to lack.
Lisa Simpson, Department of State
As the only Simpson actually smart enough to be in the White House in the first place, Lisa is well-suited to handling diplomatic relationships. An over-achieving member of Mensa, she values morals, intelligence, and challenges. In the event that Homer’s gifts of endless donuts do not have universal translation resulting in immense gratitude, her diplomatic skills will be put to good use.
Montgomery Burns, Department of Treasury
Mr. Burns is the insanely wealthy and influential owner and manager of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. He’s also been Homer Simpson’s boss for years. But now the tables have turned, so this ought to be interesting. At any rate, he’s greedy. Very greedy, as a matter of fact. He’ll have no problem collecting hefty taxes from everyone.
Nelson Muntz, Department of Defense
Who better for this position than the school yard bully? Nelson has a gift of showing up in awkward situations of misfortune, always just in time to point, humiliate, and laugh with his trademark “Ha ha!” He’s been known to beat up kids much larger than himself. Homer’s advisers deemed this a highly desirable quality, so Nelson was unanimously voted into the Cabinet.
Clarence Wiggum, Department of Justice
As head of the Springfield Police Department, Chief Wiggum has done an exceptional job of embodying the stereotypical overweight, donut-loving police officer. He’s incompetent and indecent, and public safety isn’t a strong point of his either, but Homer’s advisers believe it’s adequate enough to be sufficient.
Maggie Simpson, Department of the Interior
Despite being a baby, Maggie is possibly the most mature member of the Simpson family. While this department handles the conservation of our land, some people are saying that global warming isn’t real in the first place. This reasoning led Homer to conclude that the world can probably take care of its own land just fine. Which means even a baby could handle this job. Let’s just leave it at that.
Moe Szyslak, Department of Agriculture
As the owner of Moe’s Tavern, he’s a natural fit. He knows plenty about beer, and beer comes from wheat. Makes perfect sense. A good fit indeed. Well, aside from the fact that he often tends to be irritable and rude. Come to think of it, he’s a rather crappy business owner. But he was hand-picked for this job by his buddy Homer. Good enough!
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Department of Commerce
As the owner of Kwik-E-Mart, Apu has ample business sense.He is a dutiful worker, and is generally polite towards all of his customers, always thanking them for their patronage. Hell, he even says thank you to his armed robbers. At any rate, Apu will work wonders for our nation’s economy. “Thank you! Come again!”
Dr Julius Hibbert, Department of Health and Human Services
Dr. Hibbert, unlike most other citizens of Springfield, is actually competent. And seemingly less dysfunctional, too. Sure, he laughs at inappropriate moments, but at least he can find a reason to laugh in almost any situation. That, surely, is a virtue. Unless he’s laughing at a patient. In which case, that’s (probably) just plain rude.
Barney Gumble, Department of Housing and Urban Development
The Springfield town drunk, Barney is Homer Simpson’s best friend. He is a frequent customer at Moe’s. In fact, it seems he has little time for anything else. However, since the HUD works on national housing needs by helping poorer families qualify to buy houses, Barney is the perfect candidate to relate to his clients, as he’s likely poor himself. Especially with as much time and money as he spends at the bar.
Otto Mann, Department of Transportation
He drives like a maniac, and kids think he’s pretty awesome. A former school underachiever who now works as the bus driver for Springfield Elementary, Otto is well-versed in fast (if not exactly) safe transportation. Duuuuude…
Waylon Smithers, Department of Energy
As Mr. Burns’ personal assistant, executive, and self-proclaimed best friend, Smithers begged to be part of Homer’s presidential cabinet, just to be close to Mr. Burns. For his part, he probably does have some level of interest in energy, especially after years of service at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.
Seymour Skinner, Department of Education
The not-so-well loved Principal Skinner would probably do an acceptable job in this department, in spite of the lousy and scathing recommendation from his own mother. He is the stereotypical educational bureaucrat. Between inadequate resources, apathetic teachers, and unenthusiastic students, he is in a constant struggle to maintain control. Skinner will undoubtedly have his work cut out for him.
Abe Simpson, Department of Veterans Affairs
Grampa Simpson is a senile World War II veteran who had previously resided in the Springfield Retirement Castle, prior to his arrival at the White House. In spite of his rambling and inaccurate stories and general incompetence, his experience should be an asset in relating well to fellow veterans.
Krusty the Clown, Department of Homeland Security
Truth be told, Krusty doesn’t know a whole hell of a lot about security. However, he is hardened after being down on his luck so many times, and besides, people find clowns to be scary. This quality alone will serve as a major asset in the security department. It should be noted that this will be a team effort, as Sideshow Bob has graciously agreed to continue on as Krusty’s scary-ass sidekick. And everyone knows that Sideshow Bob is just a tad bit on the…shall we say… rough side. Watch out!
William MacDougal, Department of Labor
Who better to know about labor than the irritable, yet hard-working janitor Groundskeeper Willie? As head groundskeeper at Springfield Elementary School, Willie is both incompetent and temperamental. Oh, and he has a drinking problem, too. Nonetheless, he rounds out Homer Simpson’s elite Presidential Cabinet.
After reading the descriptions of all the different cabinet positions, I’ve realized something.
Lisa Simpson could probably do every single one of these jobs exceptionally well.
Only problem is, she isn’t actually real.
D’oh!
Oh, well.
The bottom line is this:
If we want world peace, we need common ground.
And donuts are something we can all agree on.
There are even gluten-free and sugar-free varieties, so nobody will ever be excluded or feel discriminated against again.
Go, President Homer!
This fine White House model was a product of my overactive imagination. I gotta say, the First Family has never looked so good.
comically quirky 