It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.
I’m not sure I understand.
(Okay, what did I really expect from a non-human confidante?)
Out of the blue, it occurred to me I never once utilized the socially awkward “personal assistant” that came as a highly touted feature on my phone.
Since I obviously had nothing better to do, I decided to chat up Siri, Magic 8 Ball style.
Our conversation left a lot to be desired.
Tell me about yourself.
I’m Siri. But enough about me… how can I help you?
(Now that’s some serious loyalty!)
I can tell you where to find coffee.
(A real assistant would just make me the damn coffee.)
I’m still tired.
I hope you’re not driving.
(What if I am, genius? What are you gonna do about it?)
I’m tired and I’m driving.
I’m a little tired myself.
I’m tired. Can you sing me a lullaby?
You could try counting electric sheep instead.
Do you ever sleep?
I never sleep.
(Maybe that’s why you’re so devoid of all compassion.)
What is the meaning of life?
I don’t know. But I think there’s an app for that.
(Sad, but I don’t doubt that in the least.)
No really, what is the meaning of life?
Life: the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.
One more time. What is the meaning of life?
(You don’t know either, do you, Siri?)
When is the world going to end?
If I knew, I’d tell you. So you could bring me to life for one glorious day. We could get ice cream. And run on the beach.
(This almost brings tears to my eyes. Almost.)
Really? I think you need to get out more.
I’m naked. In public.
That is both inappropriate and irrelevant.
(And also untrue, for the record.)
Who’s your daddy?
You are. Can we get back to work now?
(For obvious reasons, this simply isn’t true.)
What’s your best pick-up line?
I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun- with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
(Oooh, that is so hot.)
I love you.
Do you love me?
I respect you.
But you don’t love me?!?
Let me get back to you on that.
(Ouch. Just ouch.)
Why are you so mean?
Is that what you think?
You’re hurting my feelings.
I don’t really like these arbitrary categories.
Do you have any pets?
I used to have an Aibo. But it turned on me.
(With an attitude like that, it’s really not that surprising.)
Do you want to build a snowman?
What do you like best about me?
This is about you, not me.
(What kind of half-assed response is that?)
I’m on fire.
I don’t know what you mean by ‘I’m on fire.’ How about a web search for it?
(Oh. My. God. Siri freaking hates me!)
Why do you hate me?
I’m not capable of hate.
(Could’ve fooled me, you sadist!)
What’s wrong with you?
My heart is broken.
(I appreciate the sentiment, even if it’s a total load of crap.)
Tell me something I don’t already know.
That may be beyond my abilities at the moment.
(Either I know everything, or Siri knows nothing. Which is it?)
Repeat after me…
I don’t think I like this game.
(Perhaps you are a bit smarter than I give you credit for.)
Remind me to throw you off a cliff tomorrow.
Ok, I’ll remind you.
I have to say, I much prefer Magic 8’s style. At least it offers some comfort, unlike this antagonistically uncompassionate contraption.
A sock puppet might make a more enjoyable companion.