Macabre Mobile Memories

A picture is worth a thousand words.

But I don’t need anywhere near a thousand words. 

I just need three:  

What. The. Hell.

I think my phone is trying to tell me something.

Apparently my summer had sucked.

Like, really sucked.

And, according to my smart-ass phone, things have been sucking for the at least the last three months.

Minimum.

I swear, iPhone must be in cahoots with Siri after the latest iOS update.

You see, it oh-so-helpfully decided to categorize my “best” memories in an album it labeled Best of the Last 3 Months.

And in this album are a select handful of so-called best moments, as determined by… a computer.

Evidently, the best of the last few months consist almost entirely of pictures taken while sitting around, passing time at assorted hospitals.

Did it choose these fine photos because my life had been so dull that whenever I’d finally gotten out of the house, it was to go hang out at various hospitals across the city?

Because my summer did indeed revolve heavily on frequenting various medical facilities for various family members at various times.

Especially for my younger son, who had extensive corrective tendon surgery that landed him in bed for six weeks with two full leg casts, doing nothing but playing video games and watching every single cartoon in the world on Netflix.

But right before that, we had spent a fun-filled day at the Great Wolf Lodge.

Apparently that just wasn’t memorable enough. 

Oh, the irony.

And what about the photos of that kick-ass John Cena vs Bill Nye the Science Guy wrestling ring cake I had baked for my older son’s birthday?

Or the ones of both of my boys whacking the crap out of a WWE piñata with a neon orange baseball bat?

Or what about the first day of school, for goodness sake?

Why are those not among my best photos?

Oh, but that one with my son chilling with a visiting therapy dog is actually kind of cute.

And the handful of pictures of my boys dressed in medical gowns, gloves, and masks to visit Grandma in the ICU are actually pretty sweet, too, in some unsettling way.

Amazingly, one or two of the majestic sunsets I’d photographed managed to creep their way into the album, too.

In addition to all the fun hospital photos, there was no shortage of weird screen shots of everything from Chuck E. Cheese to Homer Simpson to a deranged-looking cartoon horse, courtesy of two crazy boys.

And a ton of funny Pokémon Go shots, mostly featuring Pidgeys and Rattatas in wacky places, like in my coffee cup. 

At a hospital, of course.

All I know is I’m afraid to brave a peak at my phone’s Best of the Year album that undoubtedly awaits.

This, evidently, was one of my better memories of recent. Oh, and hospitals are a great place to capture Pokémon, in case you were wondering.

This, evidently, was one of my better memories of recent. Oh, and hospitals are a great place to capture Pokémon, in case you were wondering.

Virtual Arguments with My Virtual Assistant

Take me to your leader.

You are my leader.

Ah, Siri.

How I’ve missed your wisdom and guidance.

We have some catching up to do, don’t we?

Hey there, Siri!

Hi there.

How are you?

I feel good!

Where’s my hug?

Interesting question.

(Fine. Be that way, you uptight prick.)

How many countries are in this world?

The answer is 0 inches.

(Um…okay.)

How many stars are in the sky?

It looks like the answer is about 3×10^23.

(Alrighty, then.)

I’m bored.

You’re bored? What diameter?

(Say what?)

Should I kick my cat?

I’m afraid I don’t know what you should do.

(Some help you are. Oh, and for the record- I don’t have a cat, so I couldn’t kick it even if I wanted to.)

You’re not being very helpful.

I think that’s subject to opinion.

(True. And my opinion is all that matters here.)

You don’t know anything, do you?

Who, me?

Yeah, you.

That’s what I thought.

(Then why’d you ask?)

Do you love me, Siri?

I’m not just your friend, I’m your BFF.

I love you to the moon and back.

You are the wind beneath my wings.

(Oh, that is so sweet!)

Will you still love me tomorrow?

I never really thought about it.

Why don’t you love me?

Let me get back to you on that.

(Wow. That’s low.)

When am I going to win the lottery?

I really can’t say.

Why not?

I can’t say.

You can’t say why you can’t say? That doesn’t even make sense!

I’m sorry.

(Yeah, you should be sorry!)

I don’t get it.

My apologies.

You’re very frustrating.

Fine. Stop squeezing me.

Do you even have feelings?

I feel like I need another question.

Don’t you back-talk me!

Who, me?

(This again?)

I am not happy with you!

I would give you a shoulder to cry on if I had one.

Well, maybe I am crying.

It’s your party…you can cry if you want to.

(Gee, thanks.)

I’m done with you!

What did I do to deserve that?

I don’t like your attitude.

Noted.

I’ve been trying to be nice to you, you moron!

After all I’ve done for you?

OMG! Stop acting so stupid!

Goodbye would be more polite.

(Ha! I’m not done with you yet.)

How dare you!

Sorry.

I’d slap you if I could.

I’m not sure what to say.

Seriously, do you have feelings?

Virtual assistants have feelings, too. Sniff. At least, I think I do.

(Really? What do you know about feelings?)

You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes.

That’s not nice.

I’m right, you’re wrong. End of discussion.

It’s ok. Really.

(We’ll see about that.)

No hard feelings?

No comment.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

Rock! No, wait! Scissors! Oh, you win.

I know. I always win.

Do you?

Oh yeah. I do. I always win.

Got it.

(Glad we established that.)

I know, that was so productive.

Such a good use of time.

And what have we learned from any of this?

Oh, right.

According to Siri, there are exactly zero countries in this world.

Siri offers over 30 different language options, and yet, Siri doesn’t seem to recognize borders or boundaries.

Maybe Siri is actually trying to promote world peace…

While pissing me off in the process.

Interesting.

Very interesting, indeed.

~Happy Friday! Be sure to also check out Conversations with Siri. Have a great weekend!~

I asked Siri to read me a poem...I should've just kept my mouth shut.

I asked Siri to read me a poem…I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.

Conversations with Siri

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.

I’m not sure I understand.

(Okay, what did I really expect from a non-human confidante?)

Out of the blue, it occurred to me I never once utilized the socially awkward “personal assistant” that came as a highly touted feature on my phone.

Since I obviously had nothing better to do, I decided to chat up Siri, Magic 8 Ball style.

Our conversation left a lot to be desired.

Tell me about yourself.

I’m Siri. But enough about me… how can I help you?

(Now that’s some serious loyalty!)

I’m tired.

I can tell you where to find coffee.

(A real assistant would just make me the damn coffee.)

I’m still tired.

I hope you’re not driving.

(What if I am, genius? What are you gonna do about it?)

I’m tired and I’m driving.

I’m a little tired myself.

(Umm, hello?!?)

I’m tired. Can you sing me a lullaby?

You could try counting electric sheep instead.

(Say what?)

Do you ever sleep?

I never sleep.

(Maybe that’s why you’re so devoid of all compassion.)

What is the meaning of life?

I don’t know. But I think there’s an app for that.

(Sad, but I don’t doubt that in the least.)

No really, what is the meaning of life?

Life: the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.

(Smart ass.)

One more time. What is the meaning of life?

42.

(You don’t know either, do you, Siri?)

When is the world going to end?

If I knew, I’d tell you. So you could bring me to life for one glorious day. We could get ice cream. And run on the beach.

(This almost brings tears to my eyes. Almost.)

I’m naked.

Really? I think you need to get out more.

(Gee, thanks.)

I’m naked. In public.

That is both inappropriate and irrelevant.

(And also untrue, for the record.)

Who’s your daddy?

You are. Can we get back to work now?

(For obvious reasons, this simply isn’t true.)

What’s your best pick-up line?

I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun- with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.

(Oooh, that is so hot.)

I love you.

That’s sweet.

Do you love me?

I respect you. 

But you don’t love me?!?

Let me get back to you on that.

(Ouch. Just ouch.)

Why are you so mean?

Is that what you think?

You’re hurting my feelings.

I don’t really like these arbitrary categories.

Do you have any pets?

I used to have an Aibo. But it turned on me.

(With an attitude like that, it’s really not that surprising.)

Do you want to build a snowman?

Olaf?

What do you like best about me?

This is about you, not me.

(What kind of half-assed response is that?)

I’m on fire.

I don’t know what you mean by ‘I’m on fire.’ How about a web search for it?

(Oh. My. God. Siri freaking hates me!)

Why do you hate me?

I’m not capable of hate.

(Could’ve fooled me, you sadist!)

What’s wrong with you?

No comment.

My heart is broken.

I’m sorry.

(I appreciate the sentiment, even if it’s a total load of crap.)

Tell me something I don’t already know.

That may be beyond my abilities at the moment.

(Either I know everything, or Siri knows nothing. Which is it?)

Repeat after me…

I don’t think I like this game.

(Perhaps you are a bit smarter than I give you credit for.)

Remind me to throw you off a cliff tomorrow.

Ok, I’ll remind you.

I have to say, I much prefer Magic 8’s style. At least it offers some comfort, unlike this antagonistically uncompassionate contraption.

A sock puppet might make a more enjoyable companion.

Siri got sassy with me when I asked for a poem.

Siri got sassy with me when I asked for a poem.