Mortifying Modus Operandi

Don’t embarrass me!

Um, helllooo!?!

I’m not the one sitting there, scratching my crotch at the table during breakfast.

Is it my fault your school requested that parents join their child in class to help guide them through the increasingly intricate course selection process, complete with 4-year plans and endorsements?

What kind of monster do you think I am?

And what kind of horrifying feats do you think I’ll manage to pull off in the 60 minutes I’m there, anyway?

Attempt to spoon-feed you your lunch?

Or show up in fishnet stockings and skanky heels?

Or worse yet, come crashing into your classroom on roller skates…in my pajamas?

Hashtag whatever.

Or perhaps I might discuss puberty/body odor/your latest crush loudly in front of all your classmates?

Or do some sort of ridiculous robot dance while singing a cringe-worthy Justin Bieber song at the top of my lungs?

Or lick your messy desk clean?

Or…

Maybe I’ll just wait for the perfect opportunity to declare:

You got an F on that test? An F?!? That’s it. Mama gonna go all gangsta on yo ass!

Right.

As fun as these scenarios might appear in my mind…

I can’t even.

As a natural introvert, I can assure you I will not be going out of my way to even talk to anyone, let alone cause chaos.

And as a self-respecting member of society, I don’t typically speak like that.

Ever.

Well, except maybe when I’m hangry.

I also wouldn’t purposely embarrass my kids, but ish happens.

Besides, if anything mortifying were to happen, consider it payback for all those unfortunate incidents where I wished for nothing more than the mercy of getting sucked into a black hole.

So just remember this:

I could be worse.

I could be much, much worse.

After all, I’m a badass black belt, dirt bike-riding, humor-writing Mom.

I’m cool AF.

Yaasss, I’m totally killin’ it.

So don’t be salty, bruh!

(Is that a thing?)

~Happy Friday! Thanks for stopping by and slinging some serious slang with me today. Have an amazing weekend!~

It's tough being a teenager. And an adult. Hell, life is rough for everyone.

It’s tough being a teenager. And an adult. Hell, life is rough for everyone.

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Homer’s in the House!

The Dream Team is in the house!

The White House that is.

Fed up with politics?

I know my head is gonna explode if all the word vomit from both sides continues.

Enough, already!

And what is the deal with all these Back to the Future type of predictions coming true lately?

First the Cubs won the World Series.

(Yeah!)

And now…

Sixteen years after a Simpsons episode titled Bart to the Future had aired, where Lisa Simpson had become president – following a Donald presidency, in a seemingly far-fetched and highly satirical scenario…

Hmmm.

Well, it appears The Simpsons writer Dan Greaney had predicted the future.

On that note, I personally like the idea of the Simpsons in the White House.

That’s right, the Simpsons.

And I’m guessing many more in America would agree, seeing as how we’ve kept them as part of our families and households for well over two decades.

Sure, they’re all fictional characters.

But…

They’re the family everyone in America can feel great about!

I would’ve assigned Lisa Simpson Presidential honors, as was rightfully bestowed upon her in that episode, but if we’ve learned nothing else this week, it’s that this country isn’t quite ready for a female president.

Sorry, Lisa.

Maybe next time.

Anyway…

Presenting President Homer J. Simpson and his All-Star Presidential Cabinet, consisting of some of Springfield’s finest!

homer-president

Homer Simpson, President of the United States

Finally, a man of the people and for the people! Homer has promised to utilize donuts to promote world peace.  He brings with him numerous years of experience at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Sure, he can be lazy, incompetent, and downright dangerous at times, and also spends most of his waking hours getting wasted at Moe’s Tavern. But deep down, he’s not so bad.

flanders-vp Ned Flanders, Vice President

Though far from Homer’s favorite person, Homer’s advisers recommended his neighbor Flanders to balance out Homer’s outbursts and bouts of stupidity. Good-natured and mild-tempered, Flanders can help ease any situation Homer manages to land them in. He consistently upholds moral values with his honesty and the basic human decency that Homer tends to lack.
lisa-dept-of-state

Lisa Simpson, Department of State

As the only Simpson actually smart enough to be in the White House in the first place, Lisa is well-suited to handling diplomatic relationships. An over-achieving member of Mensa, she values morals, intelligence, and challenges. In the event that Homer’s gifts of endless donuts do not have universal translation resulting in immense gratitude, her diplomatic skills will be put to good use.

mr-burns

Montgomery Burns, Department of Treasury

Mr. Burns is the insanely wealthy and influential owner and manager of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. He’s also been Homer Simpson’s boss for years. But now the tables have turned, so this ought to be interesting. At any rate, he’s greedy. Very greedy, as a matter of fact. He’ll have no problem collecting hefty taxes from everyone.

nelson-dept-of-denfense

Nelson Muntz, Department of Defense

Who better for this position than the school yard bully? Nelson has a gift of showing up in awkward situations of misfortune,  always just in time to point, humiliate, and laugh with his trademark “Ha ha!” He’s been known to beat up kids much larger than himself. Homer’s advisers deemed this a highly desirable quality, so Nelson was unanimously voted into the Cabinet.

chief-wiggum

Clarence Wiggum, Department of Justice

As head of the Springfield Police Department, Chief Wiggum has done an exceptional job of embodying the stereotypical overweight, donut-loving police officer. He’s incompetent and indecent, and public safety isn’t a strong point of his either, but Homer’s advisers believe it’s adequate enough to be sufficient.

maggie-dept-of-interior

Maggie Simpson, Department of the Interior

Despite being a baby, Maggie is possibly the most mature member of the Simpson family. While this department handles the conservation of our land, some people are saying that global warming isn’t real in the first place. This reasoning led Homer to conclude that the world can probably take care of its own land just fine. Which means even a baby could handle this job. Let’s just leave it at that.

moe

Moe Szyslak, Department of Agriculture

As the owner of Moe’s Tavern, he’s a natural fit. He knows plenty about beer, and beer comes from wheat. Makes perfect sense. A good fit indeed. Well, aside from the fact that he often tends to be irritable and rude. Come to think of it, he’s a rather crappy business owner. But he was hand-picked for this job by his buddy Homer. Good enough!

apu

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Department of Commerce

As the owner of Kwik-E-Mart, Apu has ample business sense.He is a dutiful worker, and is generally polite towards all of his customers, always thanking them for their patronage. Hell, he even says thank you to his armed robbers. At any rate, Apu will work wonders for our nation’s economy. “Thank you! Come again!”

dr-hibbert

Dr Julius Hibbert, Department of Health and Human Services

Dr. Hibbert, unlike most other citizens of Springfield, is actually competent. And seemingly less dysfunctional, too. Sure, he laughs at inappropriate moments, but at least he can find a reason to laugh in almost any situation. That, surely, is a virtue. Unless he’s laughing at a patient. In which case, that’s (probably) just plain rude.

barneyBarney Gumble, Department of Housing and Urban Development

The Springfield town drunk, Barney is Homer Simpson’s best friend. He is a  frequent customer at Moe’s. In fact, it seems he has little time for anything else. However, since the HUD works on national housing needs by helping poorer families qualify to buy houses, Barney is the perfect candidate to relate to his clients, as he’s likely poor himself. Especially with as much time and money as he spends at the bar.

otto

Otto Mann, Department of Transportation

He drives like a maniac, and kids think he’s pretty awesome. A former school underachiever who now works as the bus driver for Springfield Elementary, Otto is well-versed in fast (if not exactly) safe transportation. Duuuuude…

 

smithers

Waylon Smithers, Department of Energy

As Mr. Burns’ personal assistant, executive, and self-proclaimed best friend, Smithers begged to be part of Homer’s presidential cabinet, just to be close to Mr. Burns. For his part, he probably does have some level of interest in energy, especially after years of service at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.

skinner

Seymour Skinner, Department of Education

The not-so-well loved Principal Skinner would probably do an acceptable job in this department, in spite of the lousy and scathing recommendation from his own mother. He is the stereotypical educational bureaucrat. Between inadequate resources, apathetic teachers, and unenthusiastic students, he is in a constant struggle to maintain control. Skinner will undoubtedly have his work cut out for him.

grampa-simpson

Abe Simpson, Department of Veterans Affairs

Grampa Simpson is a senile World War II veteran who had previously resided in the Springfield Retirement Castle, prior to his arrival at the White House. In spite of his rambling and inaccurate stories and general incompetence, his experience should be an asset in relating well to fellow veterans.

 

krusty-the-clown

Krusty the Clown, Department of Homeland Security

Truth be told, Krusty doesn’t know a whole hell of a lot about security. However, he is hardened after being down on his luck so many times, and besides, people find clowns to be scary. This quality alone will serve as a major asset in the security department. It should be noted that this will be a team effort, as Sideshow Bob has graciously agreed to continue on as Krusty’s scary-ass sidekick. And everyone knows that Sideshow Bob is just a tad bit on the…shall we say… rough side. Watch out!

willie

William MacDougal, Department of Labor

Who better to know about labor than the irritable, yet hard-working janitor Groundskeeper Willie?  As head groundskeeper at Springfield Elementary School, Willie is both incompetent and temperamental. Oh, and he has a drinking problem, too. Nonetheless, he rounds out Homer Simpson’s elite Presidential Cabinet.

After reading the descriptions of all the different cabinet positions, I’ve realized something.

Lisa Simpson could probably do every single one of these jobs exceptionally well.

Only problem is, she isn’t actually real.

D’oh!

Oh, well.

The bottom line is this:

If we want world peace, we need common ground.

And donuts are something we can all agree on.

There are even gluten-free and sugar-free varieties, so nobody will ever be excluded or feel discriminated against again.

Go, President Homer!

simpsons-white-house

This fine White House model was a product of my overactive imagination. I gotta say, the First Family has never looked so good.

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

The Black Sox.

The Great Bambino.

The Billy Goat.

What do these three things have in common?

Well, for starters, all three are associated with extraordinarily cursed Major League Baseball teams.

And…

After this past Wednesday, the last of these three teams have finally managed to break their curses.

After only 108 years, the Curse of the Billy Goat is finally broken!

Just like it had been predicted in Back to the Future II, only off by a year, with its 2015 win prediction.

(Actually, this discrepancy can probably be accounted for by the baseball strike of 1994.)

Not too shabby.

Anyway…

The Chicago Cubs managed to beat out the Cleveland Indians in game 7, in an epic 10 inning roller coaster ride.

And so it is the Cleveland Indians themselves who now hold the record for the longest World Series dry streak, as they have not managed to win since 1948.

That’s right, a mere 68 years of not winning now puts them atop the longest championship drought in MLB.

Congratulations, Indians!

You may not have gotten the ultimate prize of a World Series win, but you now hold another equally prestigious record!

No?

Okay, fine.

Maybe your team is finally next in line for the big win.

It could happen.

Just take a look at these other teams who managed to (eventually) break the curses bestowed upon them long ago:

For the 1919 World Series, featuring The Chicago White Sox vs the Cincinnati Reds, it was believed that the series had been thrown by Shoeless Joe Jackson and seven of his teammates.

All eight of those young men supposedly received $5,000 a piece in exchange for allowing a Reds Victory.

All eight of those young men, including Shoeless Joe Jackson, were subsequently banned for life after the 1920 season.

The Chicago White Sox didn’t see another World Series victory for 87 years, when they finally managed to win again in 2005.

Now here’s a thought…

If Shoeless Joe didn’t need the money so desperately, he probably would’ve been decked out in the coolest kicks of the early 1900s, instead of putzing around barefoot.

Can you really blame the guy?

Oh well.

What matters now is that the Black Sox scandal curse is now a thing of the past.

On to the Great Bambino.

When Babe Ruth got sold off to the New York Yankees in 1919, the Boston Red Sox had already won 5 World Series titles, while the Yankees hadn’t won a single one.

Division aside, no wonder this rivalry is so strong.

Who would’ve guessed that the stumbling drunken Babe Ruth would be such a hot commodity?

He would show up to games drunk, and his physique was proof that fitness obviously wasn’t much of a prerequisite in athletics back in the day.

But man, he could hit a ball!

Oh, and he apparently dropped a curse, to boot.

An 83 year championship drought ensued, as the Red Sox didn’t win another one until 2004, by which time the Yankees had racked up 26 of their 27 World Series wins.

Proof that karma can be such a bitch sometimes.

Moving right along…

During the 1945 World Series, where the Chicago Cubs faced off against the Detroit Tigers, Cubs fan Billy Sianis (owner of the Billy Goat Tavern) came to the game with his pet goat.

Just like he’d done at every other game, all year long.

But this time around, people around him complained about the goat’s smell and Sianis was more or less told by Wrigley officials to either take the goat away or get out.

He ended up leaving and sending a telegram to the Cubs, reportedly declaring, “Them Cubs, they aren’t gonna win no more.”

The Cubs proceeded to lose the next three games in the series to the Detroit Tigers, and so Sianis sent Wrigley a telegram asking “Who smells now?”

Since then, the Cubs’ sad, sad legacy has become legendary, coming close but never winning (or even reaching) the Series.

Until just a few days ago.

Finally!

Come on, guys.

Was this nonsense really worth a drought that lasted more than a century?

Nobody should have had to go an entire lifetime without their favorite team winning at least once.

In the future, just let all the pet goats, pigs, cows, zebras, giraffes, and hippos in.

It’s simply not worth the risk!

Besides, how could they have been so sure that it was the goat they were smelling, and not some stinky teenager?

Have you ever taken a whiff of a teenage boy’s bedroom?

I rest my case.

(Side note: There’s clearly something about Chicago. Not only had both Chicago baseball teams been jinxed, but so have the NFL Chicago Bears, what with the correlation of the disbanding of the Honey Bears cheerleaders in 1985 and the fact that the Bears haven’t won a Super Bowl since. Very interesting, indeed.)

Now, let’s get back to those Cleveland Indians:

The Cleveland Indians are known for their Curse of Rocky Colavito, which supposedly prevents the Indians from winning.

Its origin is traced back to the trade of right fielder Rocky Colavito to the Detroit Tigers in 1960, in general manager Frank Lane’s attempt to end Colavito’s salary demands.

While the Indians won the American League championship in 1995, 1997, and 2016, they ended up losing all three World Series.

In fact, they haven’t won a single World Series since 1948.

For his part, Colavito has denied placing the curse.

And so the curse continues, only with the Cleveland Indians now proudly holding the new dry streak record in MLB.

With the Cubs finally breaking free from the confines of a cursed past, the longest championship drought in professional sports now officially belongs to:

Drumroll, please…

The NFL’s Arizona Cardinals! 

The Cardinals’ drought dates back to Chicago. They won the NFL championship in 1947, when they had beaten the Philadelphia Eagles 28-21.

And they haven’t won since.

They had moved from Chicago to St. Louis and St. Louis to Arizona, and still managed to go decades without any postseason success.

You see, the poor Cardinals have been suffering a curse at the hands of the citizens of Pottsville, Pennsylvania for undeservedly claiming the 1925 NFL championship from the Pottsville Maroons.

The Maroons were stripped of their title by the NFL in one of the greatest controversies in sports history, and the curse will supposedly only be lifted when the championship is returned to Pottsville and to the “correct shade of red” team.

Alrighty, then.

Interestingly enough, Arizona finally made it to Super Bowl XLIII in 2007, when they managed to lose to another Pennsylvania team: the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The Arizona Cardinals were all poised to win… but with less than a minute left in the game, a Steelers touchdown instantly crushed their hopes and dreams.

Congratulations, Cardinals, on being #1!

What an honor!

Ok.

So it may not exactly be the most coveted list to top, but there’s now plenty of proof that any and all curses can be broken… dead spirits and ejected goats be damned.

You’re up, Cardinals! Now just don’t blow it…again!

Congratulations, Chicago Cubs! 108 years of crappy luck is finally over!

Congratulations, Chicago Cubs! 108 years of crappy luck is finally over!

I’ll Tell You Where to Go!

In need of a relaxing getaway?

Well, sorry.

I can’t exactly help you with that.

But I can help by giving you a dozen suggestions of where not to go!

Check out the names of these unique and bizarre-sounding towns in the USA!

zzyzx-ca

(Pronounced ZYE-zix, this town was clearly named by some smart-ass. Or the town drunk.)

cut-and-shoot-tx

(Well, this is Texas we’re talking about, after all. Don’t expect any cutesy names, like Compromise or Friendshipville. No time for that nonsense!)

slaughterville-ok

(As Texas’s neighbor to the north, this name lends itself beautifully to an obviously shared philosophy. But that’s pretty much where the beauty ends.)

frankenstein-mo

(This place must be a prime destination for Halloween! I wonder if visitors are greeted by Frankenstein himself? )

bat-cave-nc

(The Bat Cave really does exist! But while Batman himself is pretty cool, a cave full of bats is decidedly very uncool and downright creepy.)

spunky-puddle-oh

(I’ve never personally encountered a puddle with so much sass, but I suppose there is a first time for everything…)

humptulips-wa

(I’m not sure I want to know what inspired this creative name. Perhaps a very active rabbit with nothing better to do with its time? Speaking of which…)

rabbit-hash-kt

(I’m so confused. Are we talking hash, as in roadkill? Or hash, as in marijuana? And what the hell is a rabbit doing with marijuana?)

hell-mi

(Where did you go for your vacation? Oh, I just went to Hell for a few days. So good to be back on earth! I mean, home. It’s good to be home. Yeah…)

half-hell-nc

(Can’t commit to the full-blown Hell experience? Then go to Half Hell for a half-assed hellish nightmare!)

why-az

(Why, indeed? Or perhaps the real question here is actually…)

whynot

(That’s right. Why not go to Whynot? It’s such a fine name that two different states boast the claim to this grammatically-incorrect winner!)

Hopefully, this gives you some ideas for planning your next trip.

I already know where I’m not going.

All I know is that if someone tells me to Go to Hell, I think I’ll have to pass.

~Happy Friday, everyone! Have a terrific weekend, and if you plan to travel anytime soon…well, I just hope you’re going someplace that is not on this list! ~

Exotic Pets from Hell

Searching for an untraditional pet for the kids?

Got an empty fish tank, cage, or bathtub you’d like to bring new life to?

Well, look no further!

Meet Aye-Aye, a freaky-looking Madagascar Lemur with massive eyes, enormous ears, and incredibly long fingers.

Just think of the countless hours you can spend gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes!

This is one staring contest I just can't win.

This is one staring contest I just can’t win.

Kids love Guinea Pigs, so why not take it one step further with a more unconventional route that will make all their friends jealous?

The South American native Capybara is the world’s largest rodent, weighing in at a mere 150 lbs.

He’s oh so huggable and cuddly!

With webbed feet, he’d also make a fine swimming partner on those hot summer days.

But keep in mind, they do need companionship, so a pair of Capybaras would be optimal.

Look how cute and cuddly this guy is! He's like a giant bunny rabbit...minus the long ears and adorable little tail.

Look how cute and cuddly this guy is! He’s like a giant bunny rabbit…minus the long ears and adorable little tail.

Any kid can catch an insect and stick it in a jar, but why not go for something a bit more fascinating?

Cue the Leaf Insect.

His camouflage makes him invisible, to both predators and as a predator himself.

Just a heads up, though…

When raising a fork-full of salad greens to your mouth, do everyone a favor and take a close look to ensure you are not about to devour the family pet.

I wonder if this little guy packs the same nutritional punch as a serving of spinach?

I wonder if this little guy packs the same nutritional punch as a serving of spinach?

Introducing the Giant Coconut Crab.

Yes, he will indeed eat a coconut if he manages to get his claws around one.

As the world’s largest arthropod, he eats mostly fruits and nuts.

And maybe an annoying kid brother, with any luck.

Yikes! I'm not gonna lie...this one scares me a little bit.

Yikes! I’m not gonna lie…this one scares me a little bit.

What is that smell?

The sadly misaligned skunk is truly just a pet waiting for a good home.

Skunks are loving, playful, and intelligent.

Perhaps even cuddly, depending on how adventurous you are.

Get one of these babies, and you will undoubtedly be the only person brave enough in your state (or entire region) to own one.

How can anyone not find this utterly adorable? Wait, what is that horrendous stench?

How can anyone not find this utterly adorable? Wait, what is that horrendous stench?

Interested in a pet you’ll only have to deal with once in a blue moon?

Then the Indian Purple Frog is just right for you!

Living above ground only two weeks out of the year, this frog spends the other 50 weeks under the ground, mating.

Talk about a low maintenance pet.

He’ll be around long enough to keep the kids interested and gone long enough for them to miss him.

For some strange reason, I can't picture getting too cuddly with this slimy fellow.

For some strange reason, I can’t picture getting too cuddly with this slimy fellow.

The Maui’s Dolphin is sure to be a hit with the whole family.

These dolphins love to blow bubbles and play.

The most rare and smallest subspecies of dolphin, a female will grow to only five feet.

If you have a large garden tub in the guest bathroom, or a giant empty fish tank in the family room, the wait is over!

Now this is the pet I've been waiting my whole life for! My garden tub is finally going to fulfill its true purpose!

Now this is the pet I’ve been waiting my whole life for! My garden tub is finally going to fulfill its true purpose!

While all the other families in the neighborhood have the requisite cats and dogs, you will be the envy of them all.

With just a few minor adaptations, you’ll be ready to bring home a wonderful new exotic pet!

~Happy Friday, everyone! Hope you all enjoyed a little piece of offbeat insanity! Have a great weekend!~

A Slave to the Rumbling

C is for cookie.

C is also for cannibalism.

But unlike cannibalism, cookies are Cookie Monster approved.

Cannibalism is…well…nobody approved.

It’s just a bad idea, plain and simple.

I am stomach. Hear me roar!

Roar with hunger, at any rate.

I think my brain may be ruled by my stomach.

And I evidently enter starvation mode if I go more than two hours without food.

Case in point:

Right around the three-hour mark, I typically start exhibiting signs of feral beastly hunger so intense that this vegetarian becomes pathologically unpleasant while getting dangerously close to resorting to cannibalism. (From Threading the Needle)

Yeah…

It’s that bad.

And so I am left to consider absurd possibilities.

Like eating toothpaste and Do Not Eat packets.

Okay, fine.

I would never actually do that.

Not intentionally, anyway.

In the 90 seconds it takes to make oatmeal, I sometimes have to grab something, anything, really, to tide me over long enough so I don’t pass out and knock myself senseless on the way down.

Like one of those funny-looking cookies that’s been sitting on the counter for a couple of days…

OMG, I hope that rock-hard thing wasn’t actually a dog biscuit.

Apparently, my brain gets its wires crossed when I’m excessively hungry.

Ooh, look!

Something that may or may not actually be food…

But hey, close enough!

Hmmm…

I’ll rummage in my purse, only to discover an avocado as my sole food option.

Avocado?

What’s that doing in there?

And more importantly, how the hell am I supposed to eat that while driving?

I’ve also been known to drink my kids’ juice boxes on the fly.

Oh yeah.

I’ve eaten whipped cream out of the can as a snack, in an attempt to quickly calm the turmoil in my belly.

Oh, and I once ate these horribly sickening nicotine cupcakes.

In my defense, I had no clue what was in them.

They were just sitting there, and I was hungry.

Bad idea.

And another time, when I tried a little too hard to sneak a piece of Laffy Taffy out of the Halloween pail…

Well, let’s just say I may have eaten a chunk of the wrapper in my haste.

Damn oppressive humidity.

All I can say is, hopefully the wrapper and ink were at least nontoxic.

But then, what do you expect from someone whose child once ate a glow stick?

Me want cookie! Om nom nom nom.

Me want cookie! Om nom nom nom.

High on Everything under the Sun

Drug-free America?

Now there’s a radical concept.

From Ritalin to Prozac, there are drugs for every stage of life.

Whether illicit, over the counter, or prescription, there’s something for everyone!

The key to proactively educating the public lies in starting as early as possible. Elementary school is optimal.

As an advocate of life-long learning, a full integration approach will guarantee a successful drug-infused curriculum!

From primary subjects to electives to special interests to careers, the options are numerous!

No matter whether you’re learning from school or online, you can have access to it all.

Core course offerings such as ‘Shroom Science, Heroin History, Methamphetamine Math, Ecstasy English, LSD Library, and PCP PE are always popular.

A fan of Science?

Why not give Morphine Meteorology, Amphetamine Astronomy, Barbiturate Biology, OD Oceanography, or Paradise Physics a whirl?

Is Math more your thing?

There’s Controlled Substance Calculus, Adderall Algebra, and GHB Geometry.

Do Language Arts or Humanities appeal to you?

Stimulant Speech, Depressant Debate, Ritalin Rhetoric, and Marijuana Mythology are highly recommended.

Oh, and electives have never looked so appealing!

For the creative types, we’ve got Dopin’ Drama, Tracks Theater, Acid Art, Banging Band, Codeine Computer Lab, Narcotics School Newspaper, Vicodin Video Production, Joint Journalism, Percocet Performing Arts, OxyContin Orchestra, Crack Choir, Diet Pill Dance, and Leaping Leadership.

Special interest?

Fear not, for there’s surely something for you!

Addiction Anime, Doomed Driver’s Ed, Viagra Ventriloquism, Opium Ornithology, Xanax Xylophone, Acid Freak Astrology, Ibuprofen Improv, Abusive Archery, and Valium Voice-Over Artistry are only a handful of our growing niche offerings.

Career-oriented?

There’s definitely some great offerings for those entering the work force.

We recommend Trippin’ Tour Bus Driver, High Herbalist, Hit Health Inspector, Bustin’ Bailiff, Wasted Wheel Aligner, Reefer Rubbish Collector, Baked Bee Keeper, Prozac Psychiatrist, Rush Radio Announcer, and Devil’s Dust Drug Counselor.

For the History buffs, Withdrawal World History and Rehab Renaissance are always in high demand.

Remember, many drugs can be purchased on the street for your convenience.

For everything else, your doctor will be more than happy to prescribe something for you.

(Disclaimer: This new education plan is currently pending FDA approval. Which we all know won’t be a problem. Until there’s a recall. In which case, this whole thing was a very, very bad idea.)

I'd say this cartoon pretty well speaks for itself.

I’d say this cartoon pretty well speaks for itself.

Oh, the Things It Could Be!

Google is to hypochondriacs what meth is to a junkie.

Oh, come on.

You know the deal.

You’re suddenly afflicted with sharp stomach pains from hell, so you turn to Dr. Google to shed some insight.

Inevitably, Google leads you to sites like WebMD and Healthline for totally reliable self-diagnostic help.

After scanning through symptoms and possible causes, you manage to convince yourself it’s not simply constipation or indigestion.

No.

It’s undoubtedly a raging bout of appendicitis that is about to do you in, right there in the middle of the Back to School section at Walmart…

Unless you make a beeline for the nearest hospital right this very minute.

All you know for certain is you’re obviously dying.

I swear, the symptoms for migraines and brain damage are identical.

Ok, well. Maybe not exactly.

But seriously, have you ever noticed how so many different health issues all have the same set of symptoms?

Oh, the things it could be!

Got a headache?

It’s obviously an aneurysm, and that clock is just a tickin’.

Or it could be head trauma.

What’s that?

Don’t remember hitting your head in the first place?

Well, duh.

Wheezing and coughing?

Could be asthma.

Or a sinus infection.

Or congenital heart failure.

Fatigued?

Could be the flu.

Or Lyme disease.

Or just good ol’ PMS.

Hallucinations?

Could be schizophrenia.

Or epilepsy.

Or just poorly-interacting medications.

Irritability?

Could be hypothermia.

Or a sleep disorder.

Or meningitis.

Nauseated?

Could be food poisoning.

Or a heart attack.

Or perhaps you’re pregnant.

(Congratulations!)

Forgetful?

Could be delirium.

Or dementia.

Or head trauma.

(Seriously, quit knocking your head around!)

Oh, the things it could be!

Lucky for me, I have a high pain tolerance.

Which is great, because I’m freakishly allergic to aspirin and Advil.

Hell, I can’t even take Benadryl to counteract an allergic reaction because it knocks me out cold.

But I do take comfort in knowing I can just conk myself over the head with a frying pan to ease the pain and be good to go.

That’s all the so-called healthcare I need.

This cute little bear has the right idea. Just stick a band-aid on and call it a day.

This cute little bear has the right idea. Just stick a band-aid on and call it a day.

H2O Woes

Not only is water important for survival…

It’s probably also going to be the very thing that ends up doing me in.

It’s true that water is simply a compound of hydrogen and oxygen.

Seems harmless enough.

But a person can drown in just an inch of water, for goodness sake.

Clearly, not one of water’s most redeeming qualities.

Water is actually pretty fascinating, though.

For instance:

  • Tap water can contain molecules that dinosaurs drank.
  • The human brain is 70%  water.
  • It takes 150 liters of water to make a pint of beer.
  • Human blood is 83% water.
  • People can live a month without food, but just a week without water.
  • Water covers 70% of the Earth’s surface.
  • Roughly 1/3 of household water consumption originates from the toilet.
  • A jellyfish is 95% water.

And did you know 3.4 million people die each year from water-related causes?

Yikes!

Granted, most of that is due to waterborne illnesses.

And dehydration.

Oh, and water intoxication.

That’s right.

Drinking too much water can cause fatal water intoxication.

Aside from the fact that I already drink far too much water, I’m also freakishly concerned about another death-by-water type of scenario:

Sometimes, I choke on water.

Like it’s just too damn hard for small amounts of water to go straight down my throat without taking a virtually lung-collapsing detour.

Hell, sometimes I somehow manage to choke on absolutely nothing.

Well, technically, it’s air that I’m choking on.

But that’s beside the point.

Water is hazardous to your health!

If you’re even remotely at risk for death by water intoxication, you’re probably better off sticking to alcohol for dinner tonight.

Might I recommend a decadent Mudslide, beer battered fries, and soft pretzels with beer cheese?

Oh, right.

That level of alcohol consumption would most definitely lead to dehydration.

Which would lead to the need for consuming water for rehydration.

Which could lead to choking to death on said water.

Although, in all fairness…

I’m probably at far greater risk for doing myself in by eating a smorgasbord of questionable-looking food that’s ever-so-slightly past the sell-by date.

From my own fridge.

So much for trying to be less wasteful.

~Happy Friday! Hope you all have a fantastic weekend!~

Don't be fooled. Water has mastered the art of being both friend and foe.

Don’t be fooled. Water has mastered the art of being both friend and foe.