Mortifying Modus Operandi

Don’t embarrass me!

Um, helllooo!?!

I’m not the one sitting there, scratching my crotch at the table during breakfast.

Is it my fault your school requested that parents join their child in class to help guide them through the increasingly intricate course selection process, complete with 4-year plans and endorsements?

What kind of monster do you think I am?

And what kind of horrifying feats do you think I’ll manage to pull off in the 60 minutes I’m there, anyway?

Attempt to spoon-feed you your lunch?

Or show up in fishnet stockings and skanky heels?

Or worse yet, come crashing into your classroom on roller skates…in my pajamas?

Hashtag whatever.

Or perhaps I might discuss puberty/body odor/your latest crush loudly in front of all your classmates?

Or do some sort of ridiculous robot dance while singing a cringe-worthy Justin Bieber song at the top of my lungs?

Or lick your messy desk clean?

Or…

Maybe I’ll just wait for the perfect opportunity to declare:

You got an F on that test? An F?!? That’s it. Mama gonna go all gangsta on yo ass!

Right.

As fun as these scenarios might appear in my mind…

I can’t even.

As a natural introvert, I can assure you I will not be going out of my way to even talk to anyone, let alone cause chaos.

And as a self-respecting member of society, I don’t typically speak like that.

Ever.

Well, except maybe when I’m hangry.

I also wouldn’t purposely embarrass my kids, but ish happens.

Besides, if anything mortifying were to happen, consider it payback for all those unfortunate incidents where I wished for nothing more than the mercy of getting sucked into a black hole.

So just remember this:

I could be worse.

I could be much, much worse.

After all, I’m a badass black belt, dirt bike-riding, humor-writing Mom.

I’m cool AF.

Yaasss, I’m totally killin’ it.

So don’t be salty, bruh!

(Is that a thing?)

~Happy Friday! Thanks for stopping by and slinging some serious slang with me today. Have an amazing weekend!~

It's tough being a teenager. And an adult. Hell, life is rough for everyone.

It’s tough being a teenager. And an adult. Hell, life is rough for everyone.

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65 thoughts on “Mortifying Modus Operandi

  1. I DO enjoy your posts! I nominated you for the Mystery Blogger Award. No pressure, just fun. So if you don’t do awards that’s okay : ) I wanted to share your blog with others since I enjoy reading it!

    Liked by 1 person

      • You slay me. 🙂 What is acceptable human conduct? I wonder. I think I do unless I get a phone call from someone soliciting. 😎 Sadly, the gloves come off. There’s an idea for you. Unwanted phone calls and how to respond. 🙂 Sometimes, I am bad when someone has the wrong number. I tell them the person they want to speak to is out. Not nice, Nancy. But it is kind of funny. Especially when they have called me more than once. ❤ Ya!.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I just realized, I’m not even entirely certain of the requirements for qualifying as acceptable human conduct…but I’m pretty well convinced I’m missing the mark. 😛

        I never would’ve pictured you taking off the gloves and engaging phone solicitors in a battle of one-sided shenanigans. You’re so funny! But alas, we do need to seek out fun and humor whenever an opportunity presents itself… 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  2. “Dope” … I believe it is all that is required of me to say. For a word, that particular one is sufficiantly explanatory. I came by way of a betrothal party the engagement of Lindsay. Now I follow your place with curiosity and great excitement. In the volcabulary of Mr Will I Am… it’s sic to shoot the breeze wid ya.

    Like

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