Keeping the motivation coming, while keeping the standards low.
That really ought to be my new slogan.
Anyway, without further ado…
The latest shameless bribery motivational note my boys had the joy of discovering in their lunch boxes.
What child can resist such blatant bribery?
What do carrying a small child, driving a tractor, and riding a snow blower have in common?
They each burn approximately 136 calories in just one hour!
Gotta love the internet. There’s an infinite world of information at your fingertips, just a few clicks away.
You can Google any bizarre concept imaginable, self-diagnose yourself on WebMD, and find humor in some of the least expected places.
Case in point: the calorie burning activity chart I stumbled upon while searching for something completely unrelated.
Along with the typical routine activities, let’s just say there are some truly unconventional ways to burn a calorie or two.
For a 150 pound person, here’s what an hour of select activities will do for you:
Building a road and sheering a sheep will each knock off roughly 340 whopping calories.
Hoeing (presumably in regards to forestry, not the other, less glamorous type) can cut 272 calories, as does hacking things apart with an ax.
Simultaneously pushing a wheelchair while walking eradicates 204 calories, the same amount of calories as a police officer making an arrest and a farmer chasing cattle on horse.
Sugar bushing must be a fairly intense activity, because it obliterates 272 calories.
Building a fire burns (haha, burns!) 102 calories. Feeding animals will also burn as many calories. (I wonder if feeding squirmy children falls in this category, too.)
Butchering animals can eliminate 340 calories. (First of all, YUCK! Secondly, I can’t even begin to imagine how this one fell under the Household Activities category rather than the Occupational Activities category.)
I am admittedly perplexed by some of these so-called everyday activities.
But what the hell. I’m feeling creative. So let’s take this one step further, for the fun of it.
After all, it seems one person’s idea of what constitutes typical varies greatly.
How many calories do you suppose a person can burn with these exciting pursuits?
EVERYDAY ACTIVITIES
PARENTING
FUN WITH NATURE
OTHER TOTALLY BRIGHT IDEAS
So, which of these do you think will burn the most calories?
Personally, my money is on outrunning a cyclone. But getting out of bed in the morning is definitely a close second.
On a positive note…
Whether you’re looking to fulfill a New Year’s resolution, or simply in the market for a new hobby, there are clearly a wide variety of activities out there to suit anyone.
Mutton busting, here I come!
Mutton busting sounds like fun! Okay, maybe this isn’t the best example…
In honor of my one and a half year anniversary of living in No Man’s Land, here’s a brief update on my progression of half-assed assimilation:
Okay, so none of this technically qualifies as progress, per se.
Wait a second!
There is a silver lining!
I recently surprised even myself by correctly identifying a lone donkey among a herd of cows.
This is huge. Just ask my realtor.
When my husband and I first came out house-hunting, I had mistaken a donkey for a horse in a nearby field.
To which my realtor responded, “Well, bless your heart!”
Which reminds me- I still don’t care for that phrase.
Don’t think for a moment I don’t “get” that sarcastic and condescending undertone just because I’m a New Yorker/Washingtonian/Arizonan.
Now if all y’all will excuse me, I reckon I need to find me one of them there donkeys and go down yonder.
(Hey, you have to at least give a girl credit for trying!)
Pretty sure this is a donkey…
Demolishing people with your vehicle is almost never a good idea.
But it could always be worse.
Or at least more ironic, at any rate.
After all, it’s not every day you see someone so forthcoming about their faith unwittingly endangering the lives of others.
I recently had the luxury of witnessing firsthand such a paradoxical event.
A car valiantly emblazoned with the virtues of Jesus narrowly missed plowing down a pedestrian while backing out of its parking space.
JESUS SAVES!
Or so the decal passionately proclaimed.
While drawing isn’t one of my numerous talents, I was inspired to recreate the scene of audacious irony for your entertainment utilizing the new photo editing software I received for Christmas.
On a side note, I highly doubt this is what my husband had in mind when he bought me that software, but hey, I’m putting it to good use!
Hmmm…
I feel like I’m forgetting some important detail here.
Oh, right.
The vigilant pedestrian ran like hell out of harm’s way in a timely enough manner, in case you were wondering.
Anyway…
Stay safe, and watch out for the Devil in Disguise. (Sorry, Elvis.)
But seriously, watch your back.
Better keep running, buddy.
I had time to kill, as I waited for the bell to ring.
A long overdue heart to heart chat with an old childhood friend was decidedly in order.
And so the questions began.
Will I win the lottery this week?
Cannot predict now.
Will I be happy this year?
Don’t count on it.
(Ouch.)
Will we go on an amazing vacation this year?
It is decidedly so.
Will I be famous someday?
Outlook good.
(I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this.)
Will I win the lottery?
As I see it, yes.
Will my writing career blossom this year?
It is certain.
(Whew!)
Will I get run over by a tractor?
Outlook good.
Will I get mauled by a bear?
Most likely.
(Good God.)
Is the sky orange?
Signs point to yes.
Will I win the lottery this year?
You may rely on it.
(I’m liking the consistency on this one.)
Will the Cubs ever win the World Series again?
Without a doubt.
(Cubs fans, rejoice!)
Will I get sucked up by a tornado?
Outlook not so good.
(Way to burst my bubble.)
Should I buy a pet dolphin?
My sources say no.
(Damn it!)
Will Donald Trump be our next President?
Cannot predict now.
Will Hillary Clinton be our next President?
Reply hazy. Ask again later.
Will Homer Simpson be our next President?
Signs point to yes.
(Would that really be such a bad thing?)
Will I be stuck in No Man’s Land for a while?
Better not tell you now.
Will I get kicked by a cow?
Without a doubt.
Will I ever see a real, live unicorn?
Outlook good.
(Ha! In your face, doubters!)
Am I going to Hell?
Cannot predict now.
(Fair enough.)
Will 2016 be my best year yet?
Very doubtful.
Will 2016 at least be a good year?
You may rely on it.
Will I win the lottery?
It is decidedly so.
(And there you have it.)
The car door swings open and jolts me from my thoughts.
“Why are you talking to my Magic 8 Ball?” my older son asks.
“Because I need help, buddy. I need lots of help,” I tell him.
After all, the sky is orange, Homer Simpson is about to become our next president, and I’m in danger of being mauled by a bear in the very near future.
Clearly, I need all the help I can get.
But it’s okay.
I’ll soon be able to get the best help money can buy… once I win the lottery.
The Magic 8 Ball told me so!
But what if I can’t handle the truth?
Even though my boys are getting older, I still like to surprise them from time to time with encouraging notes in their lunch bags.
A little motivation goes a long way, ya know? 😀
One of my recent creations. If this isn’t motivating, I don’t know what is.
Happy 2016!
Here’s to a New Year filled with happiness, health, and more humor than humanly possible.
Fellow blogger friends, thanks for all your support, and for being part of Comically Quirky’s very first year.
Stay tuned. The best is yet to come!
Much love,
Quirky Girl
Happy New Year!
1) You really think you’ve been good enough to even receive coal!?! Ha!
2) Define “good.”
3) I told Santa you thought you’ve been good this year. He cracked a rib laughing.
4) One word for you: Krampus.
5) Santa is watching. Well yeah, I guess technically that means Krampus is watching, too…
6) Fine. Be naughty. Santa would be more than happy to save himself a trip!
7) The moment you stop believing is the moment you start receiving socks and underwear. Just remember that!
8) No, I’m not sure why Santa likes cookies so much. Yes, he is a “big dude.”
9) No, we will not create a special chimney for Santa. He can go through the front door like every other respectable human being.
10) Sorry, no. Putting you in time out will not cement my place alongside you on the naughty list.
11) One more word and we’ll pack up your toys and donate them all to kids in need. Seriously, knock it off! Or we’ll donate you, too.
12) Yeah, I know you’re having visions of sugar plums. Visions of throwing them at my head, perhaps? (C’mon. We all know nobody actually eats those things)
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
Even Santa needs a break sometimes. Do him a favor, would ya?
Who doesn’t love a good parody? I know I certainly do. So I decided to put a slight spin on some of the traditional classics to create a more modern Christmas playlist.
1) Santa Claus ain’t Coming to this Town
2) Angels We Have Heard are High
3) Feliz Navi-D’oh!
4) O Come All Ye Ungrateful
5) Here Come Satan’s Claws
6) O Holy Fright
7) Jingle Hell Rock
8) Frosty the Know-it-all Man
9) All I Want for Christmas is Juice
10) Santa Got Run Over by a Bulldozer (for Having the Audacity to Put Me on the Naughty List)
11) Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (in Timeout!)
12) The Twelve Days of Excessive Greed
13) Deck the Brother/Wife/Neighbor
14) Black and Blue Christmas
15) I Saw Mommy Chasing Santa Claus (out of the Trailer with a Shotgun)
16) Holy Crap! The Herald Angels Shriek
17) Do You Hear What I Hear? (Sirens again?!?)
18) You’re a Mean One, Mr. Police Officer
19) It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like the Aftermath of an Apocalypse
20) Where are You Christmas? (No, really. Where the heck are you?)
Way to totally sleigh ( I mean, slay) a Christmas classic.
Verbatim from a December 2014 entry in The Journal of Quirky Girl, the following incident of pre-holiday mayhem earned a special place in the Funnier in Retrospect category.
This morning was like something out of a deranged comedy.
It started off with my son declaring it “A Horrible Day” after accidentally spilling his cup of apple juice all over himself and pretty much everything else in the kitchen during breakfast.
And then it got better.
When we piled into the car to go to school, my child was still alternately sulking/ranting over what a bad day it was.
Distracted, I backed out of the garage too quickly.
The passenger mirror smashed into a million pieces after colliding with the side of the garage, knocking the garage door off its track.
The shattered mirror dangled lifelessly by a wire.
Thoroughly distraught, we hopped into the truck. The car would have to be dealt with later.
As we backed out of the driveway, the truck’s massive tires took out the candy cane Xmas lights I had spent hours putting up the day before. Flattened and crushed like roadkill.
Ho ho ho, into the trash they go.
“It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” was playing on the radio.
And so the day had begun…
The title pretty much sums it up.
~Comically Quirky is finally on Twitter! Follow me: @comicallyquirky . Thanks!!!~
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