Bigly Bestest Letter to Santa

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Dear Santa, I’ve been a very good doggie this year. Can I please have extra treats this Christmas? And maybe another one of those squeaky Kong balls? Also, if you wouldn’t mind giving me a quick belly rub on your way back up the chimney, I’d be so happy. Thanks, Santa!

With a face like this, of course I'm on Santa's Nice List!

With a face like this, of course I’m on Santa’s Nice List!

~Happy Tuesday, friends! What’s on your Christmas Wish List this year?~

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Bigly Bestest First Christmas

@thebiglybestestdoggie: OMG! Santa came! OMG! I made the Nice List! Even after I accidentally chewed up part of that gingerbread house on Christmas Eve! I AM a good doggie! OMG! OMG!!!

~Happy Tuesday, friends! Jett certainly enjoyed his first Christmas in the crazy Quirky household. Hope you all had a wonderful holiday, too!~

Reindeer Games

‘Twas the week before Christmas, and all through Santa’s workshop,

The reindeer were busy plotting mischief and mayhem.

It’s true, Santa gets most of the glory.

But what about those hard-working reindeer?

They shoulder the bulk of the burden, carrying the weight of Santa and his gazillion tons of toys all around the world in a single night.

That’s no small feat, and it’s little wonder those creatures love their reindeer games so much.

reindeer39

(The jolly ol’ dude’s weight has always been a delicate topic, but the reindeer aren’t known for their diplomacy.)

 reindeer4

(Hauling Santa’s donut-shoveling corpse around is more strenuous than hauling 386 sacks of toys at once.)

 reindeer37

(A GPS can only get you so far, especially when the reindeer have been tampering with it. While this mishap may not be the best example of a good time for all, it probably breaks up the monotony of  a long night.)

 reindeer32

(Who can blame these reindeer for wanting to make the most of this opportunity for mischief? Although frankly, I’m surprised Santa doesn’t get himself stuck every single time he crams himself down one of those things.)

reindeer13

(Reindeer work hard and deserve a break! Which evidently involves partying hard and accidentally impaling Santa’s elves…)

reindeer28

(Modern technology has done wonders in taking a huge load off Santa’s back.)

reindeer3

(I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the… oops, the sky is the other direction! Well, so much for that…)

reindeer14

(While the burden of hauling a five billion-ton sleigh falls on the reindeer, Santa gets his workout by sucking it all in and repeatedly diving in and out of strangers’ chimneys in the middle of the night.)

reindeer40

(Your reindeer are begging you to put that donut down! In the spirit of the holidays, don’t be such a glutton!)

reindeer5

(In such a role reversal, do the reindeer now hop out of the sleigh to slide down chimneys and deliver the toys? Or does Santa still have to do that, in addition to his newly assigned duty of pulling the sleigh?)

 reindeer2

(This is one of the sounds of the season, surely?)

reindeer41

(Hey, if the shoe fits… Ho, ho, hole! Merry Christmas!)

~Happy Saturday, friends! Have a fantastic weekend, and a very Merry Christmas!~

(Reindeer Games originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 12/16/16)

Bigly Bestest Christmas Dilemma

@thebiglybestestdoggie: It’s almost Christmas! Santa Reindeer Doggie told me I’m probably on the Nice List. Unless I’ve been a bad doggie. Does giving sweet hugs and tearing my toys to shreds make me a good doggie or a bad doggie? So confused…

~The Bigly Bestest Doggie would like to wish all his wonderful friends here on Comically Quirky a very Merry Christmas!~

A Highly Dysfunctional Hillbilly Christmas Playlist

Who doesn’t love a good parody?

I know I certainly do.

So I decided to put a slight spin on some of the traditional classics to create a slightly more, uh… modern Christmas playlist.

With catchy titles like these, they’re bound to be instant classics!

Presenting:

A Highly Dysfunctional Hillbilly Christmas Playlist!

1) Santa Claus Ain’t Coming to This Town

2) Angels We Have Heard Are High

3) Feliz Navi-D’oh!

4) O Come All Ye Ungrateful

5) Santa Got Run over by a Bulldozer (for Having the Audacity to Put Me on the Naughty List)

6) Here Come Satan’s Claws

7) O Holy Fright

8) Frosty the Know-It-All Man

9)  Jingle Hell Rock

10)  Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (in Timeout!)

11) All I Want for Christmas Is Juice 

12) The Twelve Days of Excessive Greed

13) Deck the Brother/Wife/Neighbor

14) Black and Blue Christmas

15) I Saw Mommy Chasing Santa Claus (out of the trailer with a shotgun)

16) Holy Crap! The Herald Angels Shriek

17) Do You Hear What I Hear? (Sirens again?!?)

18) You’re a Mean One, Mr. Police Officer

19) It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like the Aftermath of an Apocalypse

20) Where are You Christmas? (No, really. Where the hell are you?)

~Happy Friday, friends! Hope you all enjoyed this delightfully warped spin on the same ol’ ho-hum holiday classics. Have a terrific weekend!~

Way to totally sleigh ( I mean, slay) a Christmas classic.

Way to totally sleigh ( I mean, slay) a Christmas classic.

*A Highly Dysfunctional Hillbilly Christmas Playlist originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 12/17/2015

Co…Co…Coal!

Coal.

It’s not just for Christmas.

I’ve periodically tormented my poor boys with the threat of coal on a variety of other occasions throughout the years.

Like their birthdays.

And Halloween.

And even Easter.

For the most part, it’s been a fairly effective bluff.

After all, nothing makes a holiday less joyful than the possibility of receiving a lump or two of coal.

But that all changed recently.

I ‘d been casually scrolling through some funny holiday comics online…

And then I stumbled across this one disturbing meme that totally changed my perspective.

My younger son thought it was awesome.

Now I’m scared.

I think that’s my cue to get working on inventing flame retardant coal…

ASAP.

~Happy Friday, friends! If you have kids and they’ve behaved in a less than saintly manner this year, do yourself a favor and skip the coal. Yikes!~

The terrifying reason why coal is no longer a viable gift giving option for even the naughtiest child.

The terrifying reason why coal is no longer a viable gift giving option for even the naughtiest child.

Ho Ho… Uh, No

I love holidays.

Truly, I do.

But Christmas decorations and shopping frenzies taking center stage before Thanksgiving?

Or before even Halloween, for that matter?

What’s up with that?

Unless you’re a retailer…

In which case,  the thrill of Back to School/Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year all start in July.

Who needs one holiday at a time? 

Bring ’em on!

Bring ’em ALL on!!!

(Literally. Everywhere. There’s no escape.)

(Because why the hell not, right? It’s never too early, apparently.)

(T’is the season… for what, exactly? It’s getting to be far too confusing anymore.)

(As efficient as Back to School/Halloween/Christmas shopping all at once might seem, this isn’t what I picture when I think about “one stop shopping”.)

(November isn’t technically off-limits for Christmas cheer… but September and October are definitely pushing it.)

(You know what they say- if the bottle ain’t opening, it ain’t time yet. Try again later. Like after Thanksgiving, perhaps.)

(It’s hard to argue with the fact that Thanksgiving is indeed rooted in violence, but it isn’t typically the turkey doing the carving.)

(On the bright side, if you get it all out of the way now, you may be able to avoid getting out of the house again until well after the New Year!)

(What a great way to cover nearly half a year’s worth of holidays under one convenient catchphrase!)

(Well, at least since Halloween is done and Witchy Poo finally got her turn, Santa is now only trying to push his way in front of one other guy…)

(I think it’s safe to say that turkeys everywhere are sick of playing second fiddle to Santa.)

(And it would appear that the Pilgrims are none too pleased, either…)

(Nor is Grumpy Cat. But then, when is he ever in the mood to celebrate anything?)

(But we all have different opinions, and that’s okay. If Darth Vader is feeling the spirit of the season already, more power to him.)

The magic of the season is undeniable.

Even though I’m not entirely sure what season we’re celebrating at the moment…

All I know is that I’m not quite ready for Christmas music or Christmas shopping…

Or even putting up the Christmas tree.

The insanity of the season can wait.

Right now, I’m perfectly content with relishing the delightful crackle of vibrant autumn leaves beneath my feet on a crisp November morning.

Unless, of course, I’m somehow magically gifted with a one way ticket to a remote tropical island.

Then I’m all for it.

Ho ho ho!

~Happy Saturday, friends! Have a terrific weekend!~ 

The 12 Days of Crazed Christmas Coercions: The Reboot

On the twelfth day of Christmas,

Santa’s rogue elves sent to me:

Twelve crazy boys howling in cacophony.

Okay, fine.

I have only two boys, not twelve.

But sometimes, with all the sugar-fueled insanity of the season, it’s hard to believe this chaos isn’t caused by a busload of boys.

What makes matters even more humorous is the apparent lack of understanding of what exactly it means to be “good.”

Does calling your brother a freak instead of a jerk constitute acceptable behavior?

Or what about whacking said brother over the head with a soft-covered graphic novel…instead of a baseball bat?

Is that good(ish) behavior?

Sigh.

Well, if nothing else, we all know by now that everything in life is subject to relativity.

On that note…

Presenting a dozen thoughts that have gone through my head (or actually come out of my mouth) during holiday seasons over the years.

1) You really think you’ve been good enough to even receive coal!?! Ha!

2) Define “good.”

3) I told Santa you thought you’ve been good this year. He cracked a rib laughing.

4) One word for you: Krampus

5) Santa is watching. Well yeah, I guess technically that means Krampus is watching, too…

6) Fine. Be naughty. Santa would be happy to save himself a trip!

7) The moment you stop believing is the moment you start receiving socks and underwear. Remember that!

8) No, I’m not sure why Santa likes cookies so much. Yes, he’s a “big dude.”

9) No, we will not create a special chimney for Santa. He can go through the door like every other respectable human being.

10) Sorry, no. Putting you in time out will not cement my place alongside you on the naughty list.

11) One more word and we’ll pack up your toys and donate them all to kids in need. Seriously, knock it off! Or we’ll donate you, too.

12) Yeah, I know you’re having visions of sugar plums. Visions of throwing them at my head, perhaps? (Come on. We all know nobody actually eats those things.)

~Ho, ho, ho! Happy Thursday and Merry Christmas to you all, my wonderful friends! May your holiday be full of joy and happiness.~

Santa knows a lie when he hears one, so don't bother trying to fool him. Bribery, on the other hand, just might do the trick...

Santa knows a lie when he hears one, so don’t bother trying to fool him. Bribery, on the other hand, just might do the trick…

Reindeer Games

‘Twas the week before Christmas, and all through Santa’s workshop,

 The reindeer were busy plotting mischief and mayhem.

It’s true, Santa gets most of the glory.

But what about those hard-working reindeer?

They shoulder the bulk of the burden, carrying the weight of Santa and his gazillion tons of toys all around the world in a single night.

That’s no small feat, and it’s little wonder those creatures love their reindeer games so much.

reindeer39

(The jolly ol’ dude’s weight has always been a delicate topic, but the reindeer aren’t known for their diplomacy.)

 reindeer4

(Hauling Santa’s donut-shoveling corpse around is more strenuous than hauling 386 sacks of toys at once.)

 reindeer37

(A GPS can only get you so far, especially when the reindeer have been tampering with it. While this mishap may not be the best example of a good time for all, it probably breaks up the monotony of  a long night.)

 reindeer32

(Who can blame these reindeer for wanting to make the most of this opportunity for mischief? Although frankly, I’m surprised Santa doesn’t get himself stuck every single time he crams himself down one of those things.)

reindeer13

(Reindeer work hard and deserve a break! Which evidently involves partying hard and accidentally impaling Santa’s elves…)

reindeer28

(Modern technology has done wonders in taking a huge load off Santa’s back.)

reindeer3

(I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the… oops, the sky is the other direction! Well, so much for that…)

reindeer14

(While the burden of hauling a five billion-ton sleigh falls on the reindeer, Santa gets his workout by sucking it all in and repeatedly diving in and out of strangers’ chimneys in the middle of the night.)

reindeer40

(Your reindeer are begging you to put that donut down! In the spirit of the holidays, don’t be such a glutton!)

reindeer5

(In such a role reversal, do the reindeer now hop out of the sleigh to slide down chimneys and deliver the toys? Or does Santa still have to do that, in addition to his newly assigned duty of pulling the sleigh?)

 reindeer2

(This is one of the sounds of the season, surely?)

reindeer41

(Hey, if the shoe fits… Ho, ho, hole! Merry Christmas!)

~Happy Friday, friends! If you’re looking for an inspirational (and humorous!) new blog to follow, please check out Playing by My Own Rules. Have an awesome weekend!~

Santa Dearest

Ho ho ho!

It’s time to start thinking about which list you’ve managed to land yourself on this year!

What’s that?

You’ve been a perfect angel?

Ha!

Who are you kidding?

Surely, you do know Santa sees you when you’re sleeping.

And he knows when you’re awake.

Oh, and he also watches your every move…

365 days a year.

Okay, so he’s basically a generous gift-giving stalker, when you think about it.

Anyway, let’s see what kind of sorry excuses we can come up with for our less than saintly behavior this year, shall we?

santa37

(Everything in life is relative, and therefore subject to opinion. So, who knows? Santa may well have flexible guidelines. Or low standards.)

santa39

(Again, another matter of relativity. But seriously, what criteria must one meet to even qualify for Santa’s nice list?)

santa3

(Just as well. If you’re holding out hope for a fantastic gift, you’d be better off buying it yourself in the first place, anyway.)

santa26

(I can confidently say I’ve been both naughty-ish and nice-ish this year. With that said, does this mean I’ve been good enough to deserve a present or two, or should I be expecting a stocking full of coal?)

santa38

(Nah, it’s never too late! Unless it’s already Christmas morning, in which case, yeah, you’re probably out of luck…)

santa35

( If you’re getting coal this Christmas, why not at least have the satisfaction of knowing you’ve truly earned it for a job well done?)

santa5

(Naughtily nice. Now there’s an oxymoronic concept. Well, I suppose if you’re going to do something, might as well put a little extra effort in and do it well.)

santa16

(Oh, little minion. With all the antics and mayhem you’ve caused, you probably haven’t even been good enough to receive coal this year!)

santa7

(Excellent point. No need to over-explain things to the point where you land yourself right back on that naughty list.)

santa36

(Now we’re talking! This is totally true! Okay, probably true. Maybe true? Augh!)

santa8

(Look, if he wants to drop by in the wee hours of the night, the least he could do is clean up after himself. Is that really so unreasonable?)

(Take that, Santa! Serves you right for even thinking about putting me on the naughty list!)

Poor Santa.

He tries so hard to bring joy to people all over the world, and we all struggle to conduct ourselves like decent human beings for more than 24 hours at a time.

On second thought…

Look at it this way:

Being naughty saves Santa a trip.

So you’d actually be doing him a huge favor by adding more mischief into your daily routine.

Especially since you’re ultimately gonna end up buying your own presents anyway.

~Happy Friday! Hope you all have a holly jolly weekend!~