The 12 Days of Crazed Christmas Coercions

1) You really think you’ve been good enough to even receive coal!?! Ha!

2) Define “good.”

3) I told Santa you thought you’ve been good this year. He cracked a rib laughing.

4) One word for you: Krampus.

5) Santa is watching. Well yeah, I guess technically that means Krampus is watching, too…

6) Fine. Be naughty. Santa would be more than happy to save himself a trip!

7) The moment you stop believing is the moment you start receiving socks and underwear. Just remember that!

8) No, I’m not sure why Santa likes cookies so much. Yes, he is a “big dude.”

9) No, we will not create a special chimney for Santa. He can go through the front door like every other respectable human being.

10) Sorry, no. Putting you in time out will not cement my place alongside you on the naughty list.

11) One more word and we’ll pack up your toys and donate them all to kids in need. Seriously, knock it off! Or we’ll donate you, too.

12) Yeah, I know you’re having visions of sugar plums. Visions of throwing them at my head, perhaps? (C’mon. We all know nobody actually eats those things)

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Even Santa needs a break sometimes. Do him a favor, would ya?

Even Santa needs a break sometimes. Do him a favor, would ya?

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A Highly Dysfunctional Hillbilly Christmas Playlist

Who doesn’t love a good parody? I know I certainly do. So I decided to put a slight spin on some of the traditional classics to create a more modern Christmas playlist.

1) Santa Claus ain’t Coming to this Town

2) Angels We Have Heard are High

3) Feliz Navi-D’oh!

4) O Come All Ye Ungrateful

5) Here Come Satan’s Claws

6) O Holy Fright

7) Jingle Hell Rock

8) Frosty the Know-it-all Man

9) All I Want for Christmas is Juice

10) Santa Got Run Over by a Bulldozer (for Having the Audacity to Put Me on the Naughty List)

11) Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (in Timeout!)

12) The Twelve Days of Excessive Greed

13) Deck the Brother/Wife/Neighbor

14) Black and Blue Christmas

15) I Saw Mommy Chasing Santa Claus (out of the Trailer with a Shotgun)

16) Holy Crap! The Herald Angels Shriek

17) Do You Hear What I Hear? (Sirens again?!?)

18) You’re a Mean One, Mr. Police Officer

19) It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like the Aftermath of an Apocalypse

20) Where are You Christmas? (No, really. Where the heck are you?)

Way to totally sleigh ( I mean, slay) a Christmas classic.

Way to totally sleigh ( I mean, slay) a Christmas classic.

(Un)Season’s Greetings

I’ve never been one to jump the gun by celebrating one holiday well before the arrival of another.

Christmas before Thanksgiving especially comes to mind.

Or worse, Christmas before Halloween.

I’ve always groaned about the tactless “half and half” aisles that retail stores seem so fond of. You know, one side of the aisle stocked with Halloween costumes…directly across from the Christmas wreaths.

In September.

But this morning, I awoke with fierce determination.

The ground outside was just the right consistency from the sprinklers.

This would inevitably mean a lot less time and effort required for aggressively whacking Christmassy deer, trains, and polar bears into the stubborn, clay-like soil with a mallet in front of all my neighbors.

After all, nothing says Christmas cheer like the sound of a mallet penetrating the earth.

The weather was another selling point. Miserably gray, but unseasonably warm. And with the forecast from here on out predicting storms, storms, and more storms…how could I possibly resist this golden opportunity?

As I hauled out heaps of mangled décor and tangled extension cords onto the front lawn, I noticed my poor firefighter neighbor looking on apprehensively.

And rightfully so.

Last year, he witnessed firsthand what happens when a determined caffeine buzzed crazed girl with a mallet and dozens of Christmas decorations gets down to business moments before sunset.

Then a few days later, he also happened to observe us accidentally plowing right over the candy cane path markers with our truck. In our own driveway.

Last week, I discovered a business card by my front door for Christmas Light Installation by Local Firefighters!

Coincidence? I think not.

So what if it’s a tad bit early in the season to be decorating?

Big deal.

A little light never hurt anyone.

Unless that source of “light” happens to be lightning. Or a malfunctioning power outlet. In which case, yeah, electrocution probably does hurt.

And it’s not very festive.

Anyway…

Happy (early) Thanksgiving to all, and to all a good night!

This was the lucky pardoned turkey. He 's now determined to spread some serious holiday cheer.

This was the “lucky” pardoned turkey. He ‘s now being forced to spread holiday cheer.

A Touch of Holiday Cheer

It’s July and I’m still brazenly using Christmas address labels.

Why, you might ask?

Are you a huge fan of Christmas?

Is it so you can feel the holiday cheer all year long?

Do you live in a freaking igloo?

The answer is simply this: the alignment on my printer is out of whack and I haven’t been able to print my own labels. No matter how much whacking I’ve inflicted upon said malfunctioning printer.

In my defense, sometimes whacking things gets them working properly again. Admit it. You know you’ve done it a time or two. Or three.

Anyway, I’ve been shamelessly relying on the charitable contributions of charities and their solicitations of donations through the gift of address labels.

(There’s something horribly wrong with that sentence, I know.)

I’ve been using the same sheet of irritatingly festive Christmas labels since last November.

I’m sure my mortgage company is getting a good laugh out of the monthly bills affixed with labels featuring dancing cartoon reindeer or bundled and bloated penguins.

Or maybe they’re secretly concerned about my cost-cutting measures and taking bets on when those prompt mortgage payments are going to abruptly stop altogether as part of phase two of my penny-pinching crusade.

But just when I’m in grave danger of running out and having to- *gasp*- hand-write my return address on all correspondence, lo and behold, a new set of summer-themed labels arrives in the mail.

So now I have six sheets of non-holiday themed labels. Yay!

Talk about practical. I plan to make good use of these well into the New Year.

After all, if I can pretend it’s Christmas in July, I ought to be able to pretend it’s flip flop and Mai Tai time on some tropical island in the dead of  winter.

Works both ways, doesn’t it?

T'is so not the season!

T’is so not the season!