The 12 Days of Crazed Christmas Coercions: The Reboot

On the twelfth day of Christmas,

Santa’s rogue elves sent to me:

Twelve crazy boys howling in cacophony.

Okay, fine.

I have only two boys, not twelve.

But sometimes, with all the sugar-fueled insanity of the season, it’s hard to believe this chaos isn’t caused by a busload of boys.

What makes matters even more humorous is the apparent lack of understanding of what exactly it means to be “good.”

Does calling your brother a freak instead of a jerk constitute acceptable behavior?

Or what about whacking said brother over the head with a soft-covered graphic novel…instead of a baseball bat?

Is that good(ish) behavior?

Sigh.

Well, if nothing else, we all know by now that everything in life is subject to relativity.

On that note…

Presenting a dozen thoughts that have gone through my head (or actually come out of my mouth) during holiday seasons over the years.

1) You really think you’ve been good enough to even receive coal!?! Ha!

2) Define “good.”

3) I told Santa you thought you’ve been good this year. He cracked a rib laughing.

4) One word for you: Krampus

5) Santa is watching. Well yeah, I guess technically that means Krampus is watching, too…

6) Fine. Be naughty. Santa would be happy to save himself a trip!

7) The moment you stop believing is the moment you start receiving socks and underwear. Remember that!

8) No, I’m not sure why Santa likes cookies so much. Yes, he’s a “big dude.”

9) No, we will not create a special chimney for Santa. He can go through the door like every other respectable human being.

10) Sorry, no. Putting you in time out will not cement my place alongside you on the naughty list.

11) One more word and we’ll pack up your toys and donate them all to kids in need. Seriously, knock it off! Or we’ll donate you, too.

12) Yeah, I know you’re having visions of sugar plums. Visions of throwing them at my head, perhaps? (Come on. We all know nobody actually eats those things.)

~Ho, ho, ho! Happy Thursday and Merry Christmas to you all, my wonderful friends! May your holiday be full of joy and happiness.~

Santa knows a lie when he hears one, so don't bother trying to fool him. Bribery, on the other hand, just might do the trick...

Santa knows a lie when he hears one, so don’t bother trying to fool him. Bribery, on the other hand, just might do the trick…

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32 thoughts on “The 12 Days of Crazed Christmas Coercions: The Reboot

  1. Sure my parents must have thought/said some of these when I was a kid. Socks and underwear were a given, whether you believed or not. I always felt sorry for the elves that had to make underwear instead of toys. The cartoon reminded me of another… Santa is passed out next to the fireplace and stockings, and caption says “Next year, WASH your sock before you hang it up!” 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ha! The house I grew up in (Well, heck, even the one I live in now) had a chimney that led straight into the furnace… so my Mom always told us Santa had to use the front door to get in. That still didn’t explain how he got past all of those extra locks we had since it was a rough neighborhood…

    Liked by 2 people

    • Dropping straight down the chimney and into a blazing hot furnace doesn’t sound like a very appealing prospect. Santa obviously had a special key. Or keys, in the case of all the extra locks. Or maybe he just used a chainsaw… because that’s not terrifying or anything. 😛

      Liked by 1 person

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