Howling Halloween Hysterics

Trick or treat!

It’s almost Halloween!

Sure, candy is fun and all.

But humor is far more satisfying.

And less likely to make you puke.

So here we go:

(Gives new meaning to selling one’s soul for something, doesn’t it? Looks like candy might have some virtues after all.)

(The unfortunate unraveling of a mummy. Shouldn’t he know bathrooms are a dangerous place for fellows like him?)

(GPS is simply incapable of safely guiding people to their destinations. Even a flying witch isn’t exempt from crappy directions.)

(This one gets my vote for best themed costume idea in the least ideal setting.)

(A mind is not to be wasted, whether in your head or on your plate.)

(Consider it unintentionally decorating, if you must. It’s a fine way to embrace the mess!)

(Because you can never have too much of a good thing. Even if it means eating yourself sick.)

(Kids these days are so freaking hard to please. Perhaps a nice homemade blood-of-bat stew would suffice?)

(This is almost sad. Hey, I said almost. Geez!)

(It’s no secret kids can be every bit as destructive as termites.)

(Eye rolling. It’s not just for teenagers anymore.)

(While still taboo, pumpkin cannibalism is becoming an increasingly prevalent issue.)

(Aww! I mean… Augh! I am so very, very scared!)

~Happy Friday, friends! Have a great weekend, and a fun Halloween!~

Advertisements

Reindeer Games

‘Twas the week before Christmas, and all through Santa’s workshop,

The reindeer were busy plotting mischief and mayhem.

It’s true, Santa gets most of the glory.

But what about those hard-working reindeer?

They shoulder the bulk of the burden, carrying the weight of Santa and his gazillion tons of toys all around the world in a single night.

That’s no small feat, and it’s little wonder those creatures love their reindeer games so much.

reindeer39

(The jolly ol’ dude’s weight has always been a delicate topic, but the reindeer aren’t known for their diplomacy.)

 reindeer4

(Hauling Santa’s donut-shoveling corpse around is more strenuous than hauling 386 sacks of toys at once.)

 reindeer37

(A GPS can only get you so far, especially when the reindeer have been tampering with it. While this mishap may not be the best example of a good time for all, it probably breaks up the monotony of  a long night.)

 reindeer32

(Who can blame these reindeer for wanting to make the most of this opportunity for mischief? Although frankly, I’m surprised Santa doesn’t get himself stuck every single time he crams himself down one of those things.)

reindeer13

(Reindeer work hard and deserve a break! Which evidently involves partying hard and accidentally impaling Santa’s elves…)

reindeer28

(Modern technology has done wonders in taking a huge load off Santa’s back.)

reindeer3

(I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the… oops, the sky is the other direction! Well, so much for that…)

reindeer14

(While the burden of hauling a five billion-ton sleigh falls on the reindeer, Santa gets his workout by sucking it all in and repeatedly diving in and out of strangers’ chimneys in the middle of the night.)

reindeer40

(Your reindeer are begging you to put that donut down! In the spirit of the holidays, don’t be such a glutton!)

reindeer5

(In such a role reversal, do the reindeer now hop out of the sleigh to slide down chimneys and deliver the toys? Or does Santa still have to do that, in addition to his newly assigned duty of pulling the sleigh?)

 reindeer2

(This is one of the sounds of the season, surely?)

reindeer41

(Hey, if the shoe fits… Ho, ho, hole! Merry Christmas!)

~Happy Saturday, friends! Have a fantastic weekend, and a very Merry Christmas!~

(Reindeer Games originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 12/16/16)

Merry Gobble Gobble Day

Turkeys totally love me!

It’s true.

As a vegetarian, I pose zero threat to those poor fellows.

But enough about that.

Let’s kick today off with a little humor, shall we?

thanksgiving-1

(Even if he can’t pass for a ghost, he may at least be able to pass as an albino turkey. And who the heck wants to eat that?)

thanksgiving-23

(Um, hello!?! Surely the alarms in your turkey-brained head must be blaring by now!)

thanksgiving-5

(Sorry to break it to you, but sometimes the truth hurts.)

thanksgiving-21

(When you put it that way, it does sound more like a day at the spa, rather than the one-way ticket to inferno that it really is. But hey, enjoy that rubdown!)

thanksgiving-7

(Save your breath, little turkey. You couldn’t pay me enough to make me want to eat you. Consider it my early Christmas present to you.)

thanksgiving-13

(Bet that grass is looking like a pretty appealing option right about now.)

thanksgiving-8

(Sure, but don’t get too complacent. Traditions can change over time…)

thanksgiving-16

(Presumably, eating and being stuffed from the other end are not one and the same.)

thanksgiving-17

(The need for posting every single thing on social media can get a little out of hand sometimes. Find a better hobby, turkey! On second thought, might as well make that final selfie count for all it’s worth.)

thanksgiving-20

(Excellent point. Much like Columbus Day, Thanksgiving is yet another holiday of questionable origins.)

What exactly is it that we are celebrating, again?

Okay, okay.

Thanksgiving is a time to enjoy spending with family and friends, celebrating the myriad of reasons to be thankful, today and every day.

Because there are always reasons to be grateful in this life.

~Happy Thanksgiving, friends! Hope you all have a wonderful day! ~

(Merry Gobble Gobble Day originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 10/24/16)

Ho Ho… Uh, No

I love holidays.

Truly, I do.

But Christmas decorations and shopping frenzies taking center stage before Thanksgiving?

Or before even Halloween, for that matter?

What’s up with that?

Unless you’re a retailer…

In which case,  the thrill of Back to School/Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year all start in July.

Who needs one holiday at a time? 

Bring ’em on!

Bring ’em ALL on!!!

(Literally. Everywhere. There’s no escape.)

(Because why the hell not, right? It’s never too early, apparently.)

(T’is the season… for what, exactly? It’s getting to be far too confusing anymore.)

(As efficient as Back to School/Halloween/Christmas shopping all at once might seem, this isn’t what I picture when I think about “one stop shopping”.)

(November isn’t technically off-limits for Christmas cheer… but September and October are definitely pushing it.)

(You know what they say- if the bottle ain’t opening, it ain’t time yet. Try again later. Like after Thanksgiving, perhaps.)

(It’s hard to argue with the fact that Thanksgiving is indeed rooted in violence, but it isn’t typically the turkey doing the carving.)

(On the bright side, if you get it all out of the way now, you may be able to avoid getting out of the house again until well after the New Year!)

(What a great way to cover nearly half a year’s worth of holidays under one convenient catchphrase!)

(Well, at least since Halloween is done and Witchy Poo finally got her turn, Santa is now only trying to push his way in front of one other guy…)

(I think it’s safe to say that turkeys everywhere are sick of playing second fiddle to Santa.)

(And it would appear that the Pilgrims are none too pleased, either…)

(Nor is Grumpy Cat. But then, when is he ever in the mood to celebrate anything?)

(But we all have different opinions, and that’s okay. If Darth Vader is feeling the spirit of the season already, more power to him.)

The magic of the season is undeniable.

Even though I’m not entirely sure what season we’re celebrating at the moment…

All I know is that I’m not quite ready for Christmas music or Christmas shopping…

Or even putting up the Christmas tree.

The insanity of the season can wait.

Right now, I’m perfectly content with relishing the delightful crackle of vibrant autumn leaves beneath my feet on a crisp November morning.

Unless, of course, I’m somehow magically gifted with a one way ticket to a remote tropical island.

Then I’m all for it.

Ho ho ho!

~Happy Saturday, friends! Have a terrific weekend!~ 

Gratitude with a Twist of Attitude

Happy 2nd Anniversary to me!

Yeah, I know.

Way to be subtle, right?

Well, here’s the thing.

This is milestone is dedicated to YOU, my dear friends.

Your unwavering support helps make Comically Quirky a fun and whimsical (and possibly slightly unhinged) retreat from reality.

So…

My fabulous, incredible, amazing readers…

This one’s for you!

(It’s unquestionably gratitude; that warm, fuzzy feeling of overwhelming gratitude. Either that, or I’m on fire…)

(You guys brighten my day a million times over when my twisted sense of humor brightens your day. It’s true!)

(It takes far too much effort to act not only normal, but in ways that are also socially acceptable. Pftt! Where’s the fun in that?) 

(This ties into the whole socially acceptable nonsense. Remember Uncle Jack and his horse?  Yeah. You’re welcome.)

(Ha! This world couldn’t possibly handle that much crazy, and so a “limited edition” I am. On the positive side, I suppose this just makes my writing style that much more, uh…entertaining.)

(This must be why I’m able to make people laugh. Insanity is inherently humorous. Speaking of which…)

(Might as well admit it- you’re probably almost as crazy as I am if you find me even remotely humorous. And that, my friends, makes you amazingly awesome.)

(You- my friends, family, and fellow bloggers- make writing even more enjoyable and rewarding.)

(Because I unwittingly seem to find myself incorporating cows into my writing, what better way to express my gratitude than by saying mooooo-chas gracias!)

(Yeah, you! You rock!)

Seriously, thank you.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a part of Comically Quirky.

I’m honored to be part of such a wonderful community.

~Happy Friday! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! If you’d like to read my very first post that started all the insanity, please click here.)~

Sardonically Stressed

Stress.

It’s an unfortunate and undesirable side-effect of simply being alive.

Some days, it’s lemons, lemons, and more lemons.

For everyone overwhelmed with stress lately, take heart.

Here’s proof that there’s always humor, even in times of stress:

stress18

(In all fairness, it should be noted that murder is rarely doctor-prescribed.)

stress24

(Are you kidding me? Way to burst my bubble!)

stress34

(I’d be hesitant to attempt this. I mean, what if I cram one down someone’s throat, then Karma steps in and makes them spit it up…straight into my eyeball?)

stress15

(Did you know it takes 45 minutes of meditation to equal the effects of a single satisfying glass of wine? Okay, fine. I just made that up.)

stress6

(A sure sign of mastering ki breathing! Or having taken up drinking…)

stress22

(Is being eaten alive really preferable to a little stress? My guess is probably not.)

stress1

(Finally! A refreshingly drug-free solution that’s both highly effective and easy to use. What’s not to love?)

stress9

(As Henry Kissinger once said, “There cannot be a stressful crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”)

stress8

(Sure, it helps reduce stress…unless you’re prone to perfectionistic, OCD-type tendencies. In which case, coloring can actually increase your stress levels.)

stress31

(Overall, pretty good advice from a dog. But maybe just stick with the walk away part and forget about peeing all over the place. It’s just not classy.)

stress33

(Food for thought, right? Speaking of which…)

stress26

(This might be stating the obvious, but here goes: You should never be your own food source. Never. No matter how stressed you may be, this is a horrible solution.)

stress29

(I’m stressed just thinking about how true this statement is.)

stress38

(This one has become my personal life motto. It makes me happy.)

Throwing things can be great stress relief.

No, really. It’s true!

And if you need some creative ideas for what to do with all those lemons life has been tossing your way, I’ve got some excellent suggestions.

Go on, give it a try!

Feel better now?

Excellent.

Stress?

What stress?

Ain’t nobody got time for that nonsense.

~Happy Friday, friends! Hope your weekend is relaxing, enjoyable, and stress-free. And if it’s not, I hope you always find a way to make lemonade. Or a lemon martini…~

Merry Gobble Gobble Day!

Turkeys totally love me!

It’s true.

As a vegetarian, I pose absolutely zero threat to those poor fellows.

But enough about that.

Let’s kick the day off with a little humor, shall we?

thanksgiving-1

(Even if he can’t pass for a ghost, he may at least be able to pass as an albino turkey. And who the heck wants to eat that?)

thanksgiving-23

(Um, hello!?! Surely the alarms in your turkey-brained head must be blaring by now!)

thanksgiving-5

(Sorry to break it to you, but sometimes the truth hurts.)

thanksgiving-21

(When you put it that way, it does sound more like a day at the spa, rather than the one-way ticket to inferno that it really is. But hey, enjoy that rubdown!)

thanksgiving-7

(Save your breath, little turkey. You couldn’t pay me enough to make me want to eat you. Consider it my early Christmas present to you.)

thanksgiving-13

(Bet that grass is looking like a pretty appealing option right about now.)

thanksgiving-8

(Sure, but don’t get too complacent. Traditions can change over time, you know.)

thanksgiving-16

(Presumably, eating and being stuffed from the other end are not exactly one and the same.)

thanksgiving-17

(I swear, the need for posting every single thing on social media can get a little out of hand sometimes. Find a better hobby, turkey! On second thought, don’t worry about that right now…)

thanksgiving-20

(Excellent point. Much like Columbus Day, Thanksgiving is yet another holiday of questionable origins.)

What exactly is it that we are celebrating, again?

Okay, okay.

Truly, Thanksgiving is a time to enjoy spending with family and friends, celebrating the multitude of reasons to be thankful, today and every day.

Because there are always reasons to be grateful in this life.

~Happy Thanksgiving, my friends! Hope you all have a wonderful day, whether you choose to celebrate with tofu or turkey. Or a Tofurky. I promise I won’t judge! ~

A Healthy Dose of Humor

Call me crazy, but spending as much time as I have in a hospital setting these last couple of weeks has really forced me to seek out the humor in unexpected places.

And so…

Sticking with that happy theme, presenting some of the finest examples of healthcare-related humor I’ve stumbled across today:

healthcare-4

(Well, the grass is always greener on the other side, now, isn’t it?)

healthcare-2

(Always helps to know where you stand with someone before ending up in a similar situation. Just sayin’…)

healthcare-9

(Hey, whatever floats your boat, right?)

healthcare-6

(Proof that progress comes in all sorts of different shapes and forms.)

healthcare-8

(Clearly, these gowns were designed by some deranged pervert hopped up on narcotics. Speaking of which…)

healthcare-1

(With all these awesome virtues, it’s clear: Oxycodone is right for EVERYONE!)

healthcare-7

(In all fairness, YouTube is a great resource! You know, for building your own coffin after the YouTube-guided procedure doesn’t quite go as planned…)

healthcare-5

(Like everything else in life, it’s simply a matter of perspective. Well, that, and an overactive imagination.)

healthcare-3

(Points for creativity, but they’d best have those defibrillators fired up and ready for action.)

healthcare-10

(Bottom line: if it’s good for you, it hasn’t been FDA-approved.)

~Happy Friday! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!~