Where the Sheep and Elk Roam

I want to pack my bags and move.

To Montana.

Big Sky Country.

Away from chaos.

Away from people.

Yeah, I know it isn’t quite the beach.

But beach towns tend to be kind of…

Well…

How can I put this delicately?

Peopley.

Yeah.

There are people.

And lots of them.

Like, everywhere.

I want to live under the big open sky.

I want to see the stars twinkling at night.

And I want a Lincoln Log house.

You know, those cool log cabin houses with green roofs.

Well, guess what?

They have real Lincoln Log houses in Montana!

Except those houses have actual walls!

And doors!

And indoor plumbing!

You know what else might be nice to have?

A horse.

That’s right.

Even though I said I never wanted to ride one of those suckers ever again in my life.

But open land calls for animals, and lots of them.

There’s just something calming about wild, untamed natural beauty.

Wide open space.

And animals freely roaming around in all that openness.

Just think:

I could become a rancher!

Yeah.

A cattle rancher.

Or better yet…

A cereal farmer!

Hey, I’m all for learning new things.

Did you know that elk, deer and antelope populations outnumber humans in Montana?

It’s true.

The average square mile of land contains 1.4 elk, 1.4 pronghorn antelope, and 3.3 deer.

And the density of the state is six people per square mile.

Holy moly!

More animals than people?

Surely that can’t be a bad thing.

No wonder it’s called the Treasure State.

Although Montana does have the largest grizzly bear population in the lower 48 states.

Yikes!

But no state has as many different species of mammals as Montana.

That’s pretty exciting stuff right there.

Speaking of exciting…

It’s always important to become familiar with the laws of the land before venturing into new territory.

Did you know that guiding sheep onto a railroad track with an intent to injure the train can get a person five years in prison in Montana?

Oh, and it’s also illegal to drive with a sheep in the cab of your truck…

Unless you have a chaperone.

Well, so much for that.

I was hoping to haul a shitload of sheep in the back of my truck.

By myself.

Because I’m a rebel like that.

Montana sure is protective of their sheep.

Oooh!

Maybe the sheep are the treasure of The Treasure State.

Say what you want.

There is something appealing about a whole lot of nothingness.

And sheep.

Sheep everywhere.

~Happy Friday, friends! Hope you have a terrific weekend!~

I want a Lincoln Log house just like this one... complete with the funky green cowboy to protect us from disgruntled elk.

I want a Lincoln Log house just like this one… complete with that funky green cowboy to protect us from all the elk I might inadvertently piss off.

Taxation Without Education

Where, exactly, are my tax dollars going?

I posed this question to my older son during a game of Trivia Crack after he answered yet another question incorrectly.

His response?

Umm…up your butt?

Hmm.

That’s kinda what I was afraid of.

Incidentally, I just received our 2018 property tax statement.

Let’s just say it ain’t pretty.

Which is precisely why a friendly lunch note reminder seems to be in order:

If nothing more, it’s a helpful lesson in alliteration.

In my son’s defense, though:

I hadn’t learned that yet… I don’t think.

Sigh.

After answering 11 consecutive trivia questions correctly myself, he offered a bit of praise:

You’re not as dumb as I thought!

Thanks.

I think.

Guess you won’t be seeing either of us on Jeopardy anytime soon…

~Happy Friday, friends! No person in history has probably ever been overjoyed about paying taxes. But on that note… Where education is concerned, investing in the future is undoubtedly a worthwhile investment. Have a fantastic weekend!~

Jail (For a) Break

Do people ever break in to jail?

No?

Well, I suppose there’s a first time for everything.

Most days, I drive by the local police station.

Some days, I’m tempted to turn myself in.

For a crime I haven’t even committed.

After being imprisoned in a vehicle with two brawling beasts for a matter of mere minutes…

Let’s just say a much-needed break is in order.

A vacation, if you will.

With free room and board.

And courtyards.

And even a complimentary library.

What’s not to like?

Sure, prison food might leave a bit to be desired.

But at least I wouldn’t have to do the cooking.

I’d say that probably qualifies as an acceptable trade-off.

And yes, amenities may be lacking.

But just think:

A break from never-ending heaps of laundry!

And from vacuuming and mopping!

And from stepping on Legos dangerously scattered across every inch of floor!

Oh, and what’s this I hear about free healthcare?

Just give me a couple of books, and a notebook and a pen, and I’ll be good to go.

But first, I need a plausible excuse.

You know…

People do get arrested for not wearing a seat belt.

And sometimes for using profanity in public places.

I even had a teacher in high school who managed to get thrown in jail for jaywalking.

Or what about twerking in public?

Surely, that could land a bit of time away from it all?

Some states have really bizarre laws that could earn some time in the slammer.

Did you know it’s illegal to drive blindfolded in Alabama?

(I don’t know why anyone would, but okay…)

And in Iowa, you simply can’t throw a brick onto a highway.

(Good luck pulling that one off.)

And in Missouri, bear wrestling is banned.

(Now we’re talking!)

And North Carolina heavily frowns upon Drunk Bingo.

(Woo hoo! Sounds like a good time!)

Oh, but there are no beaches in jail.

So maybe that’s not quite the right place for me.

Yeah.

Come to think of it, what I truly need is a relaxing trip to the beach…

~Happy Friday, friends! Hope you enjoy a bit of a break this weekend!~

Ah! Just what the doctor ordered...

Ah! Just what the doctor ordered…

Fundamentally Fashion Impaired

Dresses made out of trash bags.

Jumpsuits that resemble prison attire.

Crotchless jeans.

Um, hello?!?

Why do I always feel like I’m missing something?

Why would anyone want to parade around in attire that gives the disturbing impression of having just kicked Big Bird’s ass and then using his fashionable feathers to flaunt their victory?

I simply don’t get the world of fashion.

It’s so…

Weird.

And not the good kind of weird, either.

Haven’t these designers ever heard of yoga pants?

Or lounge pants?

Or better yet, pjs?

If not, they’re totally missing out.

Comfort should never be underestimated.

Who is all this eccentric stuff designed for, anyway?

Surely not most human beings?

Erma Bombeck said it best:

“Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.”

This stuff possibly can’t be meant for real life.

I don’t know.

Maybe I don’t get out enough.

Or maybe I’m not normal.

And I’m perfectly okay with that.

But come on.

Who wears this stuff?

It’s like fashion from another planet.

Ooh, maybe that’s what this is!

Intergalactic fashion!

Garbage can lids for hats.

Rompers made from mops.

Boots that are furrier than a wooly mammoth.

Talk about statement pieces.

And celebrities only perpetuate the madness.

How about Lady Gaga’s infamous meat dress?

Or Bjork’s weird swan dress?

Or Katy Perry’s memorable carousel dress?

Somebody intentionally created these monstrosities.

Some of those outfits would result in common folk getting thrown in the slammer for indecent exposure.

Especially with a scarcely concealing dress made out of meat, for heaven’s sake.

But celebrities?

They can get away with strutting down through town wearing nothing more than a sheer scarf as a top and car mats for a skirt.

That’s fashion.

Using one’s body as a kooky canvas like that…

Well, Picasso would simply be horrified.

But the madness doesn’t stop there.

When I go shopping for clothes, it gets overwhelming sometimes.

Is that garment supposed to be a tube top or a dress?

Or is it intended to be worn as a cape?

And that freakish in-between-fingers ring…

Is it meant to be a weapon?

All I know is somebody’s gonna get hurt.

And it’s usually me.

Especially when sadistic curiosity gets the better of me and I take a questionable garment into the dressing room.

Which appendage is supposed to go through which strap?

Surely this can’t possibly be a dress if it doesn’t even begin to cover my butt…?

Why does this shirt seem to have three arm holes?

I truly don’t want to end up in ER after accidentally knocking myself out by trying to cram my unsuspecting head into a narrow little arm hole.

But I’ve lost track of the amount of times I’ve managed to clobber my own face while trying on some sort of whimsical attire.

Simplicity is the key for me.

I can live without Star Trek inspired looks.

Or leopard print from head to toe.

Or aluminum foil onesies.

These concepts are certainly costume party worthy, if nothing else.

And not only are these crazy pieces…well, crazy, they’re insanely expensive.

If you spend $2,000 on a hideous fringe-covered, barf-green purse- I mean handbag– will you actually have anything left to put in it?

It might be nice to have money left over to do other things.

Like eat.

And maybe even pay the mortgage.

Not to be a slave to the money-draining, ever-changing world of fashion.

I can’t do high maintenance.

It’s too exhausting.

And that level of quirkiness is far too much.

Even for me.

Some people spend ten dollars on clothing and look like a million bucks.

Some people spend a million bucks and look like disheveled cow-wrangling floozies.

It’s all in how you wear it.

So be true to yourself and wear whatever makes you feel like a million bucks.

Especially if you’ve actually spent a million bucks.

~Happy Friday, friends! Clearly, fashion is relative. Just ask that poor doggie in the picture. Have a great weekend!~

It seems anything goes in the world of fashion...

It seems anything goes in the world of fashion…

Rhymes with Croak

Just do you.

I could totally get behind that mantra.

Truly, I’d love to.

If the context were to be completely different.

Ah.

Diet Coke.

With their newest commercial, they’ve accomplished the impossible.

Defiantly boasting of the coolness of doing whatever the hell you want, with an alarming tone reeking of utter desperation…

Let’s just say they’ve stooped to a new low.

You want to run a marathon?

Why would you want to do that?

It sounds super hard.

Just have a Diet Coke!

Yeah, we know it’s bad for your health.

But who cares?

Might as well die happy while all your organs start mutating and eating you alive from the inside out!

Way to go, Coca-Cola.

You’re empowering people to be the utmost mediocre versions of themselves.

I’m impressed.

You’re all but admitting your product is total crap, while encouraging people to aim low.

What a spectacular way to rebrand.

It’s the quintessential opposite of Nike’s Just Do It slogan.

But I get it.

Sales are plummeting as people become more health conscious, and you guys need to convince your target audience that your product is still relevant and cool.

So now you’re trying hard to appeal to millennials.

Just do you.

You only live once.

So why not develop a fine new addiction?

Coca-Cola or cocaine?

Either kind of coke will probably do.

After all, why the hell not?

YOLO, right?

Ooooh!

Look at all the pretty new colorful cans!

They’re so…tall!

And so slender!

And still every bit as bad for you!

But who cares!

YOLO!

Yeah, I know.

Serves me right for watching five minutes of Hulu after last week’s trashing.

But still.

Because I can!

Clever catchphrase, paired up with idiotic rationale.

Diet Coke makes you feel good!

Just like drugs!

Oh, you love meth?

It makes you feel great?

That’s awesome!

You keep right on doing you!

Everyone and everything else be damned.

Did you know Coke is great for shining pennies and removing rust from toilets?

And also for removing skunk odors…?

Which begs the question:

How could it not be good for your insides?

Sure, it can cause breakouts.

And mood swings.

And metabolic disorders.

But what’s not to love?

Why run a super hard marathon when you can just drink a Diet Croak?

Uh, I mean, Coke.

At least completing a marathon is something one can look back on with some degree of pride.

So what are you proud of?

Oh, I just had a Diet Coke.

Because I can.

I’m a badass, defiant rebel like that.

Uh huh.

That’s right.

Because. I. Can.

I don’t know about you, but I think I’d rather live in a yurt.

I hate to say it, but desperation is not an attractive look for you, Diet Coke.

~Happy Friday, friends! For the record, if you’re a fan of Diet Coke, I’m not judging you in the least. I merely found this style of “marketing” to be too humorous to not poke fun at. Have a fantastic weekend!~

When the first part of your name starts with "die", incognito may be the way to go...

When the first part of your name starts with “die”, incognito may be the way to go…

TV or Not to Be

Hulu down!

Hulu down!

OMG!!!

What to do?

What to do?!?

Well, here’s a crazy suggestion:

Take a deep breath in.

Then exhale slowly.

Now peel your butt off the couch…

And go find something else to do.

Read a book, perhaps.

Reading is rapidly becoming a lost art.

Now is a great time to rediscover it.

Speaking of lost arts…

How about communication?

Talk?

Like, to other people?

What do you mean, not virtually?

Ewww.

How does that even work?

Are you telling me I have to talk to my family now?

Please don’t make me talk to my family!

Anything but that!

Augh!!!

Such was the general sentiment when I perused Twitter comments on Hulu Support after experiencing a brief outage.

I’m cancelling my service!

You’ve ruined my night!

What am I supposed to do now?

That’s it. I’m switching to Netflix!

You’ve ruined my life!!!

I’m not sure whether to be amused or disturbed.

I guess we’ll go with amusingly disturbed.

Or disturbingly amused.

I do tend to be easily amused, after all.

The nerve!

The outrage!

Geez, Hulu!

Get your shit together!

You’ve single-handedly managed to ruin millions of lives with your carelessness!

What’s that?

Hulu and Netflix are both down?

Alright, then.

Let’s try a different strategy.

Put on some shoes and open your front door.

Now step outside and close the door behind you.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other until you are doing this thing that is typically referred to as walking.

Now look up.

There’s the sky!

Isn’t it stunning?

Look down!

See those beautiful flowers?

Is it nighttime?

Look up again.

See that magnificent perfect crescent moon?

And what about that spectacular shooting star?

These phenomena are part of what we call nature.

And reality.

No, definitely not the same thing as reality TV.

Geez!

It’s okay to take a break from the tube every now and then.

You could be sparing yourself a fatal blood clot, just by standing up and walking out of the room.

Instead of gearing up for a 12 hour marathon of The Bachelor reruns.

So consider it a blessing.

While you’re at it, why not use that dramatic outrage and put it toward a more worthwhile cause for genuine problems in this world…

Rather than bemoaning the injustice of having no access to television for 25 minutes, when far too many people in this world have no access to clean water or food.

Talk about First World Problems.

I don’t know.

Maybe I’m a freak, but I’d personally take a book over TV any day.

Don’t get me wrong.

I love a good comedy sitcom.

But would I be losing any sleep if my TV were to accidentally go flying out the window one of these days while my boys are busy brawling?

Probably not.

Unless it happened to fall on a poor pedestrian who decided to take a break from watching TV by getting out for a walk.

TV or not TV…

It’s not really a question.

~Happy Friday, everyone! Have a great weekend!~

Ooh! Look at all the pretty colors! Surely that's more entertaining than anything else on TV!

Ooh! Look at all the pretty colors! Surely that’s more entertaining than anything else on TV!

Marginal New Year’s Motivation

Happy New Year!

Speaking of the new year…

I don’t have any New Year’s resolutions.

And I’m far too exhausted from all the, uh, fun and excitement of 2017 to make any.

But anyway, here are a dozen hilariously motivating and inspirational pieces of New Year’s resolution advice to help start the year off with a bang:

new-year18

(Having realistic goals and expectations helps start the new year off right and prevents instant failure two days in to the year.)

new-year13

(That’s the spirit! Way to embrace your amazing self, imperfections and all.)

new-year19

(If you make any resolutions at all this year, this ought to be it.)

new-year12

(This is a great way to take the pressure off. If you succeed in somehow bettering yourself, great. If you don’t, nothing lost. It’s a win-win!)

new-year1

(Go big or go home, right? So why not aim to fail in the grandest of manners?)

new-year17

(Ah, so that’s what all the fuss is about? A week-long To Do list? When you look at it that way, it really doesn’t sound so daunting.)

new-year6

(What a terrific idea! Everything about it has the makings of a successful business concept.)

new-year16

(For those of you with kids, it is imperative to set goals that are practical, attainable, and won’t drive you to drinking in the event of miserly defeat.)

new-year10

(Nothing beats the feeling of knowing that all your friends are rooting for your failure. Oh well. Who needs them, anyway? The resolutions, that is. Not the friends. Friends are good. Well, mostly.)

new-year11

(Some of us struggle with being able to identify realistic goals. It happens. Fortunately, there’s always someone who’s eager to help set the record straight.)

new-year2

(Hey! Being a smart-ass is a talent, not a bad vice that needs to be obliterated. Geez!)

new-year3

(Now this I can handle! Being awesome is…well, awesome! Always choose to be awesome.)

Whether or not you made any resolutions for 2018, just remember this:

Stay positive, keep smiling, and always try to find the humor in whatever life throws your way.

~Happy Friday, friends! Best wishes for a bright 2018!~

(Marginal New Year’s Motivation originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 12/30/16)

A Highly Dysfunctional Hillbilly Christmas Playlist

Who doesn’t love a good parody?

I know I certainly do.

So I decided to put a slight spin on some of the traditional classics to create a slightly more, uh… modern Christmas playlist.

With catchy titles like these, they’re bound to be instant classics!

Presenting:

A Highly Dysfunctional Hillbilly Christmas Playlist!

1) Santa Claus Ain’t Coming to This Town

2) Angels We Have Heard Are High

3) Feliz Navi-D’oh!

4) O Come All Ye Ungrateful

5) Santa Got Run over by a Bulldozer (for Having the Audacity to Put Me on the Naughty List)

6) Here Come Satan’s Claws

7) O Holy Fright

8) Frosty the Know-It-All Man

9)  Jingle Hell Rock

10)  Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (in Timeout!)

11) All I Want for Christmas Is Juice 

12) The Twelve Days of Excessive Greed

13) Deck the Brother/Wife/Neighbor

14) Black and Blue Christmas

15) I Saw Mommy Chasing Santa Claus (out of the trailer with a shotgun)

16) Holy Crap! The Herald Angels Shriek

17) Do You Hear What I Hear? (Sirens again?!?)

18) You’re a Mean One, Mr. Police Officer

19) It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like the Aftermath of an Apocalypse

20) Where are You Christmas? (No, really. Where the hell are you?)

~Happy Friday, friends! Hope you all enjoyed this delightfully warped spin on the same ol’ ho-hum holiday classics. Have a terrific weekend!~

Way to totally sleigh ( I mean, slay) a Christmas classic.

Way to totally sleigh ( I mean, slay) a Christmas classic.

*A Highly Dysfunctional Hillbilly Christmas Playlist originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 12/17/2015

Co…Co…Coal!

Coal.

It’s not just for Christmas.

I’ve periodically tormented my poor boys with the threat of coal on a variety of other occasions throughout the years.

Like their birthdays.

And Halloween.

And even Easter.

For the most part, it’s been a fairly effective bluff.

After all, nothing makes a holiday less joyful than the possibility of receiving a lump or two of coal.

But that all changed recently.

I ‘d been casually scrolling through some funny holiday comics online…

And then I stumbled across this one disturbing meme that totally changed my perspective.

My younger son thought it was awesome.

Now I’m scared.

I think that’s my cue to get working on inventing flame retardant coal…

ASAP.

~Happy Friday, friends! If you have kids and they’ve behaved in a less than saintly manner this year, do yourself a favor and skip the coal. Yikes!~

The terrifying reason why coal is no longer a viable gift giving option for even the naughtiest child.

The terrifying reason why coal is no longer a viable gift giving option for even the naughtiest child.

Ho Ho… Uh, No

I love holidays.

Truly, I do.

But Christmas decorations and shopping frenzies taking center stage before Thanksgiving?

Or before even Halloween, for that matter?

What’s up with that?

Unless you’re a retailer…

In which case,  the thrill of Back to School/Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year all start in July.

Who needs one holiday at a time? 

Bring ’em on!

Bring ’em ALL on!!!

(Literally. Everywhere. There’s no escape.)

(Because why the hell not, right? It’s never too early, apparently.)

(T’is the season… for what, exactly? It’s getting to be far too confusing anymore.)

(As efficient as Back to School/Halloween/Christmas shopping all at once might seem, this isn’t what I picture when I think about “one stop shopping”.)

(November isn’t technically off-limits for Christmas cheer… but September and October are definitely pushing it.)

(You know what they say- if the bottle ain’t opening, it ain’t time yet. Try again later. Like after Thanksgiving, perhaps.)

(It’s hard to argue with the fact that Thanksgiving is indeed rooted in violence, but it isn’t typically the turkey doing the carving.)

(On the bright side, if you get it all out of the way now, you may be able to avoid getting out of the house again until well after the New Year!)

(What a great way to cover nearly half a year’s worth of holidays under one convenient catchphrase!)

(Well, at least since Halloween is done and Witchy Poo finally got her turn, Santa is now only trying to push his way in front of one other guy…)

(I think it’s safe to say that turkeys everywhere are sick of playing second fiddle to Santa.)

(And it would appear that the Pilgrims are none too pleased, either…)

(Nor is Grumpy Cat. But then, when is he ever in the mood to celebrate anything?)

(But we all have different opinions, and that’s okay. If Darth Vader is feeling the spirit of the season already, more power to him.)

The magic of the season is undeniable.

Even though I’m not entirely sure what season we’re celebrating at the moment…

All I know is that I’m not quite ready for Christmas music or Christmas shopping…

Or even putting up the Christmas tree.

The insanity of the season can wait.

Right now, I’m perfectly content with relishing the delightful crackle of vibrant autumn leaves beneath my feet on a crisp November morning.

Unless, of course, I’m somehow magically gifted with a one way ticket to a remote tropical island.

Then I’m all for it.

Ho ho ho!

~Happy Saturday, friends! Have a terrific weekend!~