sarcasm

Hungry, Hungry Kiddos

/ Quirky Girl / 31 Comments

Chicken nuggets?

Again?!?

Didn’t we already have that?

Well, duh!

When you’re sitting at the kitchen table for 16 hours a day…

Yeah.

There’s bound to be some degree of repetition.

Macaroni and cheese three times in two days?

Now, that is clearly acceptable.

God, I love summertime.

What’s not to love about it?

Oh, right…

Envision a never-ending game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos, if you will.

With a pair of hungry boys instead of hungry hippos.

And with more food falling on the floor than is actually going into anybody’s mouth.

Kit Kat wrappers plague the dryer and trails of chocolate chip cookie crumbs create a path from the kitchen to halfway up the staircase .

String cheese wrappers and empty juice boxes hide alongside long-forgotten Halloween candy under their beds.

You always make us eat chicken!

(I can assure you that’s not the case. I am vegetarian, after all, and I’m not touching that crap any more than I have to.)

I don’t like raisins anymore!

(Halfway through a full box of raisins.)

Can’t I just have some cookies instead?

(The fridge, freezer, and pantry all look dangerously empty.)

Water?

You’re giving us water?!?

You hate us!

Enough, already! Get outside and do something!

But it’s too hot to go outside!

Hey, wait! Is that the ice cream truck?

We’re going outside!

Can we have some money?

You hate us!

Aw, man! We never get to eat!

And on that note…

Looks like it’s about time to feed the animals precious boys again.

Chicken nuggets, anyone?

For those of you with kids, you’ll totally get this. For those of you without kids, enjoy a good laugh at my expense.

For those of you with kids, you’ll totally get this. For those of you without kids, enjoy a good laugh at my expense.

Sunny with a Chance of Tsunamis

/ Quirky Girl / 31 Comments

Would’ve. Should’ve. Could’ve.

Every single human being has regrets in life, and I’m no exception.

My biggest regret?

I missed my true calling.

I should’ve been a meteorologist.

That’s right, one of those weather-predicting people who seem to be wrong more often than right, yet still get paid for constantly screwing up.

Despite the bad rap they get, I read somewhere that meteorologists are actually correct about 80% of the time, overall.

Which is fairly surprising.

The thing is, I live in a place where all kinds of weather-related mayhem is possible in a matter of minutes.

So this could really work to my advantage.

After all, weather forecasting is not an exact science.

It’s more like a multiple choice quiz.

And I know from experience that I can randomly guess and be right more often than not.

I want to get paid to not think. To not make sense. To make off-the-wall predictions that may or may not come true.

And meteorologists do essentially predict the future.

Or at least, they attempt to.

But storms can shift direction, and lessen or increase in force and intensity.

These things happen.

And between aging satellites and drunk meteorologists, things are bound to get more than a little messed up.

The sun is shining! And now it’s… raining?

But it’s still blindingly sunny?!?

Well, the radar did predict a sunny day… so where did that tornado just come from?

When you look outside the window and there are donkeys on tree branches and horses on rooftops…

Yeah.

Somehow, someway, someone was a little off.

One minute, there’s zero chance of rain… and then it’s suddenly raining hard enough to recreate Noah’s Ark.

Which explains that motorcycle floating coasting  down the sidewalk in plain sight of a swarm of cops.

And those bicyclists pedaling for their lives like drenched hamsters on a treadmill against sudden 70 mph gusts of wind.

And the pedestrian who unexpectedly finds herself going for an impromptu swim through six lanes of traffic.

Yet when it’s supposed to rain all day, every day for a week…

There’s not a single cloud in the sky.

But seriously, where the hell did that tornado come from?

Where was that on the radar map?

What gives?

Really and truly, though. I get it. I do.

Nature is unpredictable and has a mind of its own.

But so do I.

And I still think I should’ve been a meteorologist.

Pretty much summarizes my warped vision of the whole weather-predicting process.

Pretty much summarizes my warped vision of the whole weather-predicting process.

The Modesty of Marge

/ Quirky Girl / 21 Comments

She’s not particularly exciting.

What does she do all day, anyway?

I mean,  besides vacuum and drive her kids around?

Oh. My. God.

I think I  just described myself.

The horror!

Okay, okay. Enough of that pity party.

Presenting ten of Marge’s most profound, yet undoubtedly humorous quotes:

marge simpson aim low

(Brilliant! Set that bar low enough, and you’ll never be disappointed again!)

marge simpson too tense2

(She definitely can’t be accused of sugar-coating the truth with that attitude.)

marge simpson listen to your heart

(So that’s how it works? I would’ve sworn it was the other way around.)

marge simpson never raise a hand

(A rather classy way to get the message across, sans violence.)

marge simpson springfield

(Proof that it’s easy to become too complacent, even in mediocrity.)

marge simpson brain food

(Intelligence aside, their very presence in your can of tuna means more bang for your buck!)

marge simpson so funny

(Consider yourself lucky. Some people don’t even have a sense of humor.)

marge simpson fetish

(Hey, give her a break! She’s been wearing the same set of clothes since 1989.)

marge simpson doing something right

(The ultimate gauge for accessing a job well done.)

marge simpson vacation

(Who needs Hawaii when you can have your very own jail cell?)

Apparently, I’ve got more in common with Marge Simpson than I realized.

Well, except I don’ t have a blue beehive.

Or three messed-up kids.

Or a husband with only two brain cells.

Poor Marge.

She’s patient, compassionate, and forgiving.

But the moralistic matriarch really didn’t hit the jackpot with that family, did she?

~Happy Thursday, everyone! Hope you’re having a terrific week! If you haven’t already, please be sure to check out the other two parts of The Simpsons series: The Wisdom of Homer and The Logic of Lisa!~

The Logic of Lisa

/ Quirky Girl / 21 Comments

She isn’t cool like Bart, adorable like Maggie, or tolerant like Marge.

Or half-baked like Homer.

She may not be the most charismatic or even overly likable, for that matter.

But you’ve got to admit, she has more brain cells than Bart, Maggie, Marge, and Homer.

Collectively.

Lisa Simpson: the vegetarian, overachieving, saxophone-playing middle child.

And boy, does she have sarcasm down to an art.

She’s a total smart-ass. Deadpanning is as much her strength as her intelligence.

Presenting ten of Lisa’s finest moments of sassy and witty wisdom:

lisa simpson not a frown

(I do believe this is the new politically correct term for Not Happy.)

(lisa simpson romance dead

(Hence the term Hallmark Holiday. No moolah equals no love, don’t ya know?)

lisa simpson popular girl

(I know, I know. Life is sooo unfair.)

lisa simpson words of encourage

( Homer and Marge have been trying for years to be slightly-better-than-totally-horrible parents.)

lisa simpson goody two shoes

(Proof that even those Goody Two Shoes have skeletons in their closets.)

lisa simpson envy and help

(If this isn’t the World’s Most Perfect Family, I’m at a total loss.)

lisa simpson psychiatrist

(Surely just a minor drawback of being part of a dysfunctional family.)

lisa simpson pain and drudgery

(Depressing, yes. But also poignantly true.)

lisa simpson book n beers

(She’s obviously referencing Homer, not me. Hey, I don’t even like beer!)

lisa simpson silent fool

(My personal favorite. Attributed to both Abraham Lincoln and Mark Twain, I’m inclined to give Lisa full credit on this one.)

Lisa may not be as well-loved as some of the other Simpsons, but she does have redeeming qualities.

She’s passionate, she cares about the environment, and she actually has morals.

She rebels against societal norms, for goodness sake.

What’s not to love about that?

Yeah, I can definitely relate to Lisa Simpson.

After all, I am a fellow smart-ass and vegetarian, myself.

And…

I, too, have a few more brain cells than the average cartoon character.

~If you’re a fan of The Simpsons and enjoyed this post, please be sure to also check out The Wisdom of Homer. Happy Thursday!~

Happy Friday (the 13th)!

/ Quirky Girl / 22 Comments

Everyone loves Friday!

Well, except when it’s that kind of Friday.

Oh yeah. Good ol’ Friday the 13th.

Did you know that an estimated 17 to 21 million people in the United States live in fear of this very date?

There’s even a word for this fear: friggatriskaidekaphobia.

(Frigg being the Norse goddess whom Friday is named for, and triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13.)

The good news is that Friday the 13th only takes place once this year.

It’s true, some horrendous events have occurred on Friday the 13th throughout history.

But consider this:

Every day has the potential to be a bad day.

Think about it.

Bad things can happen any time, even on the most festive, most cheerful days of the year.

Such a positive thought, I know.

But in all fairness…

On Valentine’s Day, you could get impaled by a freakishly thorny bouquet of roses.

Or burn the house down during an intimate candle lit dinner gone horribly wrong.

Or fall off a mile-high cliff during a romantic horseback ride on a disgruntled horse named Princess.

On Christmas, you could get crushed to death by a massive Christmas tree by reaching for a gift and knocking the whole tree off balance.

Or whack yourself in the crotch while shoveling your elderly neighbor’s driveway.

Or get crapped on by Santa’s feisty reindeer as they all fly away into the night.

I rest my  case.

Besides, who has time to lose sleep over a silly date on the calendar?

What you really ought to be worrying about is accidentally smashing a mirror into  millions of jagged pieces.

Or crossing paths with a satanic black cat who was undoubtedly put on this earth for the sole purpose of clawing your eyes out.

Or inadvertently stepping on crack that’s guaranteed to wipe out every last branch of your family tree, all because of your shameful carelessness.

So do yourself a favor and don’t go assuming the worst on this particular day, when Every.Single.Day has equal potential of being The. Worst. Day. Ever.

Look, it doesn’t hurt to wish upon a shooting star, if it makes you feel better.

But for the sake of humanity, leave that poor rabbit’s foot alone!

(Somebody needs to explain to me how a rabbit who met an unfortunate end could possibly be a source of luck and fortune to anyone else.)

Friday the 13th or not, it's a great day to celebrate.

Friday the 13th or not, it’s a great day to celebrate.

~Happy Friday! So what if it’s Friday the 13th? Choose to make it an awesome day!~