Lick it. Lick it Good.

Wanna really repulse people?

Wanna make them nauseated to the point they actually give you stuff…in exchange for you getting the hell away from them ASAP?

Start licking things.

Oh yeah. You read that right.

It’s a valuable lesson I learned from my boys when one of them leaned over and stole a lick of his brother’s mystery flavored Dum Dum lollipop at the kitchen table one afternoon.

And just like that, the candy had a new rightful owner.

Talk about a brilliant ploy. It’s such an easy approach to scoring new loot, practically anyone can pull it off.

Need some inspiration for real world application? Here are a few scenarios to get you started.

Eyeing that swag Nike hoodie on the dude standing in front of you in the checkout line at Walmart?

Casually lean over and lick it. Repeatedly.

Drooling over the snooty PTA president’s gazillion-dollar Rolex watch that your so-called significant other once again failed to buy you for Valentine’s Day?

Lick it. Lick it good.

And how about that mouth-watering slice of quadruple chocolate cheesecake the guy seated next to you at a corporate lunch meeting has momentarily turned his attention away from?

Stick your face in that dish like a feral pig in a troth, and it’s guaranteed to be yours.

Score!

Oh, but there is one minor exception.

Never, ever lick other people’s pets, no matter how cute that pet is or how sad/depressed/lonely you are.

It’s just rude.

I'm starting to think we might not be all that normal. Or nice, for that matter...

I’m starting to think we might not be all that normal. Or nice, for that matter…

It’s Raining Projectiles!

Recent studies show that a whopping 99.9%* of the entire human population enjoy throwing things.

And really, it’s not all that surprising. Hurling projectiles has been scientifically proven** to provide instant stress relief.

I’m not talking about mundane objects that were actually intended to be thrown, like baseballs and footballs.

Let’s just say human beings are highly resourceful and creative creatures.

When it comes to throwing things, everyone has a preference as to what exactly it is they get a kick out of throwing.

Here’s your chance to really show your creative side!

 

I’m sure a few of you out there (the other 0.1% of the population)  have other outlets for stress and tension that don’t involve flying projectiles.

I’m both curious and envious, so once again, let your creativity shine!

 

Yesterday, I accidentally dropped a can of olives. It soared menacingly across the kitchen until it crash-landed onto the floor and olives started rolling everywhere like slimy little marbles.

Clever girl that I am, I pretended it was an act of aggression rather than the result of utter clumsiness.

It was surprisingly satisfying.

Now it’s your turn.

Go ahead. Throw something.  Let it all out.

Feeling that inner peace now?

Yeah, I thought so.

Apples are incredibly versatile and helpful in maintaining good (mental) health.

Apples are incredibly versatile and helpful in maintaining good (mental) health.

Disclosures:

*This number is the result of a very complex, top-secret mathematical formula concocted by none other than Quirky Girl herself. 

**This statement may or may not be true. 

The King of One-Liners

I like to laugh.

I’m guessing you do, too.

So let’s talk about Henry.

The great Henry Youngman, that is.

The man sure knew a thing or two about comedy.

Without further ado, presenting  five of his epically awesome one-liners:

youngman- drinking and reading

(Smart man. His style was nothing short of admirable.)

youngman- grandma drinks

(Spunky lady! An inspiration to us all.)

youngman- wrong house

(I know it’s wrong. But dammit, it’s hilarious!)

youngman- dressed to kill

(Ok, so cooking isn’t exactly my strong point either.)

youngman- skydiving

(They don’t call it a once in a lifetime experience for nothing, right?)

Which one made you laugh the hardest?

Happy Thursday!

A Little More Motivation

Keeping the motivation coming, while keeping the standards low.

That really ought to be my new slogan.

Anyway, without further ado…

The latest shameless bribery motivational note my boys had the joy of discovering in their lunch boxes.

lunch note2c

What child can resist such blatant bribery?

Feelin’ the Burn

What do carrying a small child, driving a tractor, and riding a snow blower have in common?

They each burn approximately 136 calories in just one hour!

Gotta love the internet.  There’s an infinite world of information at your fingertips, just a few clicks away.

You can Google any bizarre concept imaginable, self-diagnose yourself on WebMD, and find humor in some of the least expected places.

Case in point: the calorie burning activity chart I stumbled upon while searching for something completely unrelated.

Along with the typical routine activities, let’s just say there are some truly unconventional ways to burn a calorie or two.

For a 150 pound person, here’s what an hour of select activities will do for you:

Building a road and sheering a sheep will each knock off roughly 340 whopping calories.

Hoeing (presumably in regards to forestry, not the other, less glamorous type) can cut 272 calories, as does hacking things apart with an ax.

Simultaneously pushing a wheelchair while walking eradicates 204 calories, the same amount of calories as a police officer making an arrest and a farmer chasing cattle on horse.

Sugar bushing must be a fairly intense activity, because it obliterates 272 calories.

Building a fire burns (haha, burns!) 102 calories. Feeding animals will also burn as many calories. (I wonder if feeding squirmy children falls in this category, too.)

Butchering animals can eliminate 340 calories. (First of all, YUCK! Secondly, I can’t even begin to imagine how this one fell under the Household Activities category rather than the Occupational Activities category.)

I am admittedly perplexed by some of these so-called everyday activities.

But what the hell. I’m feeling creative. So let’s take this one step further, for the fun of it.

After all, it seems one person’s idea of what constitutes typical varies greatly.

How many calories do you suppose a person can burn with these exciting pursuits?

EVERYDAY ACTIVITIES

  • Mustering the energy to get out of bed in the morning
  • Extreme channeling surfing
  • Crying after yet another lottery loss
  • Walking ten feet to the mailbox after a few drinks
  • Running to deactivate the smoke alarm after burning dinner
  • Engaging in an episode of road rage with the guy who turns out to be your new boss
  • Shaking the crap out of the Magic 8 Ball after realizing it’s been wrong a lot lately

PARENTING

  • Climbing up tree to rescue the sadistic cat you were hoping finally ran away
  • Tripping over child’s skateboard and crashing headfirst into a wall
  • Breaking up brawls between siblings
  • Hyperventilating/anxiety attack
  • Nerf battles (with you as the target)
  • Yelling/screaming
  • Jumping out window from second floor
  • Chain pill popping resulting from self-medicating

FUN WITH NATURE

  • Cow tipping
  • Giraffe feeding
  • Hippo bathing
  • Getting mauled by a bear
  • Mutton busting
  • Outrunning a cyclone

OTHER TOTALLY BRIGHT IDEAS

  • Jail breaking
  • Bank robbing
  • Vandalizing small buildings
  • Tightrope walking
  • Bench-pressing pair of Great Danes
  • Cracking a rib while popping a Wheelie to show off for an unimpressed child

So, which of these do you think will burn the most calories?

Personally, my money is on outrunning a cyclone. But getting out of bed in the morning is definitely a close second.

On a positive note…

Whether you’re looking to fulfill a New Year’s resolution, or simply in the market for a new hobby, there are clearly a wide variety of activities out there to suit anyone.

Mutton busting,  here I come!

Mutton busting sounds like fun! Okay, maybe this isn't the best example...

Mutton busting sounds like fun! Okay, maybe this isn’t the best example…

A No Man’s Land Anniversary

In honor of my one and a half year anniversary of living in No Man’s Land, here’s a brief update on my progression of half-assed assimilation:

  • I still don’t eat meat. I’ve been a vegetarian for far too long, and having real live cows, horses, and donkeys as neighbors has only reinforced my beliefs a hundred times over.
  • I still don’t care for the horribly maintained country roads. It may well be a smoother ride meandering through town on a three-legged donkey than chancing some of the brain-rattling roads out here.
  • I still don’t like country music. I prefer to surround myself with things that actually make me happy. Depressing music that could easily coerce me into a dark corner to slit my wrists with a corkscrew on a cold and cloudy day? Ha! Like I don’t already have enough problems.
  • I still don’t like the eerie sound of tornado sirens. Or actual tornadoes. They’re a rather terrifying phenomenon that I can live without.
  • I still can’t believe the official state animal is not a skunk. I mean, seriously. Even a million tons of the state flower (whatever the heck that even  is) wouldn’t be enough to mask the breathtaking aroma of one of those suckers.

Okay, so none of this technically qualifies as progress, per se.

Wait a second!

There is a silver lining!

I recently surprised even myself by correctly identifying a lone donkey among a herd of cows.

This is huge. Just ask my realtor.

When my husband and I first came out house-hunting, I had mistaken a donkey for a horse in a nearby field.

To which my realtor responded, “Well, bless your heart!”

Which reminds me- I still don’t care for that phrase.

Don’t think for a moment I don’t “get” that sarcastic and condescending undertone just because I’m a New Yorker/Washingtonian/Arizonan.

Now if all y’all will excuse me, I reckon I need to find me one of them there donkeys and go down yonder.

(Hey, you have to at least give a girl credit for trying!)

Pretty sure this is a donkey...

Pretty sure this is a donkey…

Divine Intervention from the Underworld

Demolishing people with your vehicle is almost never a good idea.

But it could always be worse.

Or at least more ironic, at any rate.

After all, it’s not every day you see someone so forthcoming about their faith unwittingly endangering the lives of others.

I recently had the luxury of witnessing firsthand such a paradoxical event.

A car valiantly emblazoned with the virtues of Jesus narrowly missed plowing down a pedestrian while backing out of its parking space.

JESUS SAVES!

Or so the decal passionately proclaimed.

While drawing isn’t one of my numerous talents, I was inspired to recreate the scene of audacious irony for your entertainment utilizing the new photo editing software I received for Christmas.

On a side note, I highly doubt this is what my husband had in mind when he bought me that software, but hey, I’m putting it to good use!

Hmmm…

I feel like I’m forgetting some important detail here.

Oh, right.

The vigilant pedestrian ran like hell out of harm’s way in a timely enough manner, in case you were wondering.

Anyway…

Stay safe, and watch out for the Devil in Disguise. (Sorry, Elvis.)

But seriously, watch your back.

Better keep running, buddy.

Better keep running, buddy.

Tell Me No Lies

I had time to kill, as I waited for the bell to ring.

A long overdue heart to heart chat with an old childhood friend was decidedly in order.

And so the questions began.

Will I win the lottery this week?

Cannot predict now.

Will I be happy this year?

Don’t count on it.

(Ouch.)

Will we go on an amazing vacation this year?

It is decidedly so.

Will I be famous someday?

Outlook good.

(I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this.)

Will I win the lottery?

As I see it, yes.

Will my writing career blossom this year?

It is certain.

(Whew!)

Will I get run over by a tractor?

Outlook good.

Will I get mauled by a bear?

Most likely.

(Good God.)

Is the sky orange?

Signs point to yes.

Will I win the lottery this year?

You may rely on it.

(I’m liking the consistency on this one.)

Will the Cubs ever win the World Series again?

Without a doubt.

(Cubs fans, rejoice!)

Will I get sucked up by a tornado?

Outlook not so good.

(Way to burst my bubble.)

Should I buy a pet dolphin?

My sources say no.

(Damn it!)

Will Donald Trump be our next President?

Cannot predict now.

Will Hillary Clinton be our next President?

Reply hazy. Ask again later.

Will Homer Simpson be our next President?

Signs point to yes.

(Would that really be such a bad thing?)

Will I be stuck in No Man’s Land for a while?

Better not tell you now.

Will I get kicked by a cow?

Without a doubt.

Will I ever see a real, live unicorn?

Outlook good.

(Ha! In your face, doubters!)

Am I going to Hell?

Cannot predict now.

(Fair enough.)

Will 2016 be my best year yet?

Very doubtful.

Will 2016 at least be a good year?

You may rely on it.

Will I win the lottery?

It is decidedly so.

(And there you have it.)

The car door swings open and jolts me from my thoughts.

“Why are you talking to my Magic 8 Ball?” my older son asks.

“Because I need help, buddy. I need lots of help,” I tell him.

After all, the sky is orange, Homer Simpson is about to become our next president, and I’m in danger of being mauled by a bear in the very near future.

Clearly, I need all the help I can get.

But it’s okay.

I’ll soon be able to get the best help money can buy… once I win the lottery.

The Magic 8 Ball told me so!

But what if I can't handle the truth?

But what if I can’t handle the truth?

A Little Motivation

Even though my boys are getting older, I still like to surprise them  from time to time with encouraging notes in their lunch bags.

A little motivation goes a long way, ya know? 😀

One of my recent creations. If this isn't motivating, I don't know what is.

One of my recent creations. If this isn’t motivating, I don’t know what is.

Happy New Year!

Happy 2016!

Here’s to a New Year filled with happiness, health, and more humor than humanly possible.

Fellow blogger friends, thanks for all your support, and for being part of Comically Quirky’s very first year.

Stay tuned. The best is yet to come!

Much love,
Quirky Girl

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!