Lick it. Lick it Good.

Wanna really repulse people?

Wanna make them nauseated to the point they actually give you stuff…in exchange for you getting the hell away from them ASAP?

Start licking things.

Oh yeah. You read that right.

It’s a valuable lesson I learned from my boys when one of them leaned over and stole a lick of his brother’s mystery flavored Dum Dum lollipop at the kitchen table one afternoon.

And just like that, the candy had a new rightful owner.

Talk about a brilliant ploy. It’s such an easy approach to scoring new loot, practically anyone can pull it off.

Need some inspiration for real world application? Here are a few scenarios to get you started.

Eyeing that swag Nike hoodie on the dude standing in front of you in the checkout line at Walmart?

Casually lean over and lick it. Repeatedly.

Drooling over the snooty PTA president’s gazillion-dollar Rolex watch that your so-called significant other once again failed to buy you for Valentine’s Day?

Lick it. Lick it good.

And how about that mouth-watering slice of quadruple chocolate cheesecake the guy seated next to you at a corporate lunch meeting has momentarily turned his attention away from?

Stick your face in that dish like a feral pig in a troth, and it’s guaranteed to be yours.


Oh, but there is one minor exception.

Never, ever lick other people’s pets, no matter how cute that pet is or how sad/depressed/lonely you are.

It’s just rude.

I'm starting to think we might not be all that normal. Or nice, for that matter...

I’m starting to think we might not be all that normal. Or nice, for that matter…


25 thoughts on “Lick it. Lick it Good.

  1. My son confounds me. My kids went to Montessori school for preschool, where they teach independence and cleanliness. My son actually learned great bathroom etiquette for a boy and we never have any issue with him. Except, where he did some things well… he’d do weird things like lean against a pole and then turn his head and lick it. What the hell? He’d wash his hands so frequently/long, I at first feared he developed OCD. (nope) it’s because he gets distracted and looks at himself in the mirror and makes faces and leaves the water running and soap on his hands. THEN, his grade school went through a unit on germs, and he was at the age that girls had cooties… and where we used to share a sip out of a water bottle, that all of a sudden was TABOO. Ew, mom. So, the kids would come home, get a water bottle and then leave half drunk water bottles everywhere (think you and I had a conversation on this before) – drink your water, that’s not mine. YES it is. No. Did you drink out of my water mom? Did my sister? You poisoned this. You gave me tap water. Grabs new water bottle.

    Anyway, what you said- yes, that would be a SURE FIRE way to get what you want. All his sister has to do is take something of his – she doesn’t even have to lick it – just put her mouth near it…and he’ll swear it was spit on…and refuse to have. 🙂


      • But…we’re talking candy, most kids I know..will still eat their candy. (go to the sink and rinse it off) but…nope, my child would expect me to produce a new piece of chocolate out of thin air for him. Where’s there another one, mom? I don’t have any more. AND THEN it would be all my fault.


      • Of course. Mom always gets the blame. 😛

        My son didn’t think twice about giving the lollipop away after his brother licked it. One lick was clearly one too many for him.


  2. This has tremendous potential to reshape how possessive people are of their belongings…and whether or not they’ll long to keep them very long once slurped upon.


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