Super Pooper Pukey Pups

Aren’t doggies the best?

They give sweet hugs.

And affectionate kisses.

They keep us warm on chilly days.

But sometimes, they’re kind of…

Well, gross.

They cram strange things in their mouths.

They sniff crotches and lick butts.

They poop and pee whenever and wherever they see fit.

They inhale their food in one big gulp.

And then sometimes puke it right back up.

Then they eat their pile of puked up food.

Because there’s nothing more appetizing than eating dinner and noticing your doggie quietly sitting in the corner and chewing on…

What, exactly?

A spider?

Oh, if only.

Nope.

It’s a pile of vomit.

Of course it is.

And apparently it’s mmm mmm good.

So lovely.

But at least dogs love to be active!

You know what’s the best part about taking doggies for a walk?

Watching them lift their hind legs to an astounding assortment of things!

Basketball hoops.

Real estate signs.

High voltage electric boxes.

It’s all fair game.

But it’s one thing to pee on fire hydrants…

And another altogether to plop dead center in some random neighbor’s front yard and proceed to take the biggest dump in history.

And so you might find yourself on your hands and knees as you valiantly try to do the right thing.

Which is hard, because you realize you’ve completely run out of doggie waste bags.

But luck for you, there’s exactly one crumpled tissue left in your pocket!

Of course, it’s not the easy to grab kind of doggie doo.

And so your efforts ultimately result in ripping out fistfuls of some random neighbor’s well-manicured lawn.

For the sake of courtesy and thoroughness.

And because, once again, it’s the right thing to do.

The cleaning up part, that is.

But because you’re working with one measly tissue, keeping your hands clean during cleanup is utterly out of the question.

And so spitting on your hands and rubbing them together vigorously is your only means of “washing” up.

Why is it that you never carry hand sanitizer with you?

Ugh.

You head home in defeat, with your poopie hands and one paradoxically happy doggie in tow.

But in this modern time of digital technology, you can rest assured the entire freak show of chaos has been recorded on someone’s home security camera.

And they will watch the video footage later.

And they will be baffled by what on earth it is you’re doing while your happy doggie stands by, kicking up dirt and licking nearby trees while you’re crouched down in their yard yanking up their grass with a filthy-looking tissue.

So much for always doing the right thing.

Maybe it’s better to just stick to your own backyard, huh?

Oh well.

Pets can be downright messy and gross.

But damn, they’re just so irresistibly adorable!

~Happy Friday, friends! Have a great weekend!~

Ah! The perfect place for a little hind leg-lifting action!

Ah! The perfect place for a little hind leg-lifting action!

Lessons from the Fish Tank

Responsibility?

Pfft!

Who needs that?

Well, if responsibility is your goal…

Then pet fish are definitely not the way to go.

PetSmart’s Black Friday ad, boasting 50% off all small pets, really got me thinking.

It brought back memories of That One Christmas five years ago.

Santa had oh so generously brought my boys a very nice fish tank, filled with cool fish tank ornaments like treasure chests and Sponge Bob Square Pants and his pineapple under the sea…

And Sponge Bob’s bizarre pet meowing snail, Gary.

All that was missing were the fish.

So my husband and I gifted our boys each with a certificate for one Mickey Mouse Platy fish apiece.

Which turned out to be a huge mistake.

Or, rather, a life lesson.

A lesson in The Circle of Life.

The cycle of life.

And death.

And inbreeding.

That’s right.

The whole experience served as a constant lesson in the disturbing never-ending cycle of death in a fish tank plagued by frequent new life, even more frequent death…

And inbreeding of epidemic proportions.

Sure, the kids were excited at first.

We started off with three fish:

Chloe-Dante, Bailey, and…and…

Well, some other fish.

We soon added snails Gary and Larry.

And then a cool sucker fish, creatively named Sucker Pluto.

We would all sit there like scientists, measuring for proper ph levels to keep everything properly in balance for the safety of our beloved new pets.

But after a matter of months, nobody cared enough anymore to clean the algae-filled tank or even be certain if they’d been fed lately.

Before we knew it, there were far too many fish to remember names of or even keep track of.

On that note…

Never name fish after your family members.

The first fish to kick the bucket was a red Platy named after my brother and his dog.

A child showing up to school crying about dead fish named after a family member is bound to be a traumatizing experience.

Chloe-Dante just died!

Um, isn’t that your uncle? And his…dog?

Your uncle and his dog just died…and you’re at school?!?

What is wrong with your family?!?

Oh, you guys name your fish after your family members…???

Seriously, what is wrong with your family?

Yeah.

Not an ideal situation.

Always a new fish.

Always a new one kicking the bucket.

On the bright side, we really got the most bang for our buck with all that inbreeding, which led to our pet count multiplying exponentially.

So I guess in that sense, we got a pretty good deal out of it.

I mean, with the exception of The Missing GloFish.

How can a bright neon green fish go missing?

It’s not like they can jump out of a tank…

Or can they?

We’ll never know for certain.

Maybe he was just trying to escape that horrifying inferno.

I can’t say I would’ve blamed him.

Pet fish?

Ha!

Never again.

It’s safe to say I’ve learned my lesson.

~Happy Saturday, everyone! Have a fantastic weekend!~

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…

Very, Very Unfairy

So I ate that bag of bread.

And half a bag of treats, too.

But I was left by myself for days!

Days!!!

What?

It was only 10 minutes?

Seriously?

Huh.

Well, it felt like days.

What do you mean I’m not getting anything else for dinner now?

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, many people say.

But is it okay to poop on it instead?

Just asking.

You know, for a friend.

No other dog in the history of the world has ever been treated so very, very unfairly.

Believe me.

Even my enemies agree.

And I have many, many of those.

Trust me.

Especially after I’ve sniffed their poop and tried to eat their food.

But I’m telling you, I think these owners of mine have problems.

What am I going to do about it?

Oh, you’ll see. 

Yeah.

You’ll find out soon enough.

Luckily for you, I don’t speak my thoughts.

Unluckily for you, there’s Twitter.

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Treated very unfairly by low energy humans again. Sad!

Ha!

That’ll show them.

Ooooh, a ball!

Look at that bright, shiny ball!

What was I saying?

Oh, yeah.

@thebiglybestestdoggie: You’re fired! Overrated humans! You’re all very bad hombres!

Oh, except I do need someone to feed me dinner.

Pretty please?

Oh, come on.

Don’t make me beg.

I’m sorry.

Okay?

@thebiglybestestdoggie: I’m the most tremendously people loving dog you’ll ever meet! I love people! All of them! Believe me!

I’m just a doggie horribly, horribly wronged.

Nobody knew it would be so hard!

To have self-control 24/7!

And to run this dump!

Nobody!

Who would’ve guessed?

Hashtag unfair!

So what are you gonna do?

Build a cage?

Create a ban to keep me out of the kitchen?

Find some other way to make your household “great” again?

What about those other monsters running around the house like savages? 

Huh?

Will you threaten to cage them, too?

What’s the word for those things again?

Oh, right.

Kids.

Ooh!

Look at that beautiful treat!

It’s the most beautiful treat ever!

And I’m gonna shove it down my gluttonous throat!

@thebiglybestestdoggie: A+ for going in and taking what I want better than anyone in the history of the world!

What can I say?

I’m a real go-getter.

You know, a lot of people are saying I should also be able to crotch-sniff anyone I damn well please.

Even Rocket Man.

What’s that?

You think I’m being overly dramatic?

Listen, you son of a female dog!

(Oh wait, I think I just described myself.)

I challenge you to a duel!

On second thought, my paws are probably too small.

IQ test, anyone?

Yeah, how about that?

Moron!

I know words!

I know lots of words!

I know yuuuge ones!

Like sit and stay

But not no.

Definitely not no. 

Roll over?

What am I, some kind of animal?

Losers!

I’m tired of being treated so unfairly!

And so I’ll respond the only way I know how.

With fire and fury!

Ha ha ha!

Just kidding!

I’m a sweet, loving doggie!

But I think those mushrooms I just ate in the backyard might’ve been hallucinogenic.

I love you!

Now give me a hug!

Aww!

You’re the best!

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Woof, woof, woof. Doggie out!

~Happy Saturday, friends! Furry friends sure do make life more entertaining, don’t they? Have a fun-filled, happy weekend!~

Yes, I did help myself to a loaf of bread and a bunch of treats. But I'm really a good dog. I swear!

Yes, I did help myself to a loaf of bread and a bunch of treats. But I’m really a good dog. I swear!

Snips, Snails, and Puppy Dog Tails

He eats his veggies without a word of complaint.

He’s got a surprisingly great sense of humor, too.

And he actually seems to care about my feelings…

Instead of blatantly bulldozing over them like some people I know.

(Cough, cough, cough)

But he enjoys a good treat as much as my other two.

And I know for a fact all three of them will gleefully eat off the floor whenever the opportunity presents itself.

But that’s animals for you.

And kids, too.

The numerous parallels of kids and dogs are hard to deny.

As are the pros and cons of each, respectively.

In an already male-dominated household, adding a male dog to the mix naturally made the most sense.

Sure, the dog eagerly goes around sniffing crotches and behinds.

But otherwise, he’s got fairly impeccable manners.

In fact, I’m realizing that this new dog of ours is quite possibly the best behaved one in the house.

It’s true.

I mean, aside from yesterday’s Hot Dog Incident.

Did you know if you turn your back on a package of hot dogs while preparing dinner, the dog is gonna move in quickly and claim it for his own?

Yeah, well.

Live and learn, right?

But it isn’t really so different.

Kids and dogs both have a tendency to cram questionable objects in their mouths.

The kids would eat pennies when they were babies…

This dog eats chunks of his Nerf frisbee.

But he gives me hugs, any time, any place, without fear of embarrassment.

He’s loyal and unconditionally loving.

Let’s take a look at some of the virtues and vices of kids and man’s best friend, shall we?

Pro of dog:

Very few wants and needs.

Con of kids:

Need lots. Want everything.

Con of both:

Demand loads of attention.

Pro of dog:

Doesn’t talk, and more importantly, doesn’t back-talk.

Con of kids:

Argue and back-talk incessantly.

Pro of dog:

Eats the same thing day in and day out without complaint.

Con of kids:

Complain if you have the nerve to feed them the same thing twice in one week. (Unless it’s pizza or mac and cheese.)

Pro of kids:

Food seldom goes to waste. (Because they already ate everything. In the entire house. In one sitting.)

Con of dog:

Eats tennis balls. And his frisbee. And our dinner.

Con of dog:

Eats flies right out of the air whenever he’s outside.

Pro of kids:

Well… I’ve never noticed my kids doing any such thing…

Pro of dog:

Doesn’t demand newest iPhone.

Con of kids:

Demand newest iPhone and Beats headphones and newest laptop.

Con of dog:

May not demand these gadgets, but might chew up yours, though.

Con of kids:

Addicted to all things electronic.

Con of dog:

He’s addicted, and I mean addicted to Chuck It balls. (They must be laced with crack.)

Con of dog:

If dad is choking, it must be a good time to lick him in the face until he chokes harder.

Con of kids:

If dad is choking, get agitated by the rude distraction and crank up the volume on the tv.

Pro of dog:

Wakes up refreshed and excited for a new day.

Con of kids:

Wake up like sleep-deprived, starving zombies.

Pro of dog:

Enjoys the feeling of being clean.

Con of kids:

Shower? Again? Why?!?

Con of kids:

Laughed at me when I almost fell out of my chair.

Con of dog:

Laughed at me when I almost fell out of my chair.

(Hmmmm…)

Pro of kids:

Eventually learn to use toilet.  Don’t have to use diapers or a pooper scoop for life.

Con of dog:

Will poop and pee, any time, any place, forever.

Con of kids:

They’ll fart nonstop and bodily functions become the dominate mealtime conversational topic.

Pro of dog:

Doesn’t require shoes or clothing.

Con of kids:

Not only is it considered unacceptable to show up to school naked, it’s also not cool to show up in outgrown clothes that are soooo three months ago.

Pro of dog:

Loves being active. Always wants to go for walks and play.

Con of kids:

Go outside? To do what? Is the house on fire?!?

Pro of dog:

Gives hugs and kisses without expecting anything but love in return.

Con of kids:

If they’re being unusually affectionate, watch your back. And your wallet.

Pro of kids:

If you’re lucky, they’ll help take care of you when you are old and decrepit.

Con of dog:

If you die and nobody else is around, he might consider eating you.

Wow.

Aside from that last argument, it almost seems like it’s completely one-sided.

That it should be no contest.

That unconditional love = pets.

And unconditional needs = kids.

But that’s hardly the case at all.

They’re both rewarding and heartwarming, in their different ways.

Sure, a dog won’t laugh if you leave the house with your shirt on backwards or your pants inside out.

But kids?

Oh, they’ll laugh, alright.

They’ll laugh about it now, and they’ll laugh about it every day for the next six months…

Until you do something even more foolish to take their minds off of your previous transgression.

And then you can all laugh about it together.

~Happy Saturday, everyone! Hope you all get to spend an enjoyable weekend with your kids, dogs, cats, pet snakes, or whatever brings you joy and happiness!~

As long as I don't tear this new toy to shreds in the next few seconds, I just might become the new favorite child! 

As long as I don’t tear this new toy to shreds in the next few seconds, I just might become the new favorite child!

Gone with the Whim

Experience is the best teacher.

Or so they say.

But do human beings ever truly learn from experience?

Judging by my decision-making skills, I’m gonna go with no.

Had I decided I’d been lacking a sufficient amount of insanity in my life?

Seems to me on any given day, I’m personally not lacking for ways of keeping myself sufficiently occupied.

And yet…

After writing a goofy rant about extravagant child-related expenses last week, my family and I went out and did the most logical thing possible a mere two days later.

Now, we aren’t particularly spontaneous people when it comes to making big decisions that require serious commitment.

But my younger son had recently written a compelling letter about a very specific concern related to the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey that set the madness into motion.

So, last Sunday afternoon…

We took a drive to a local pet shelter.

Just to look around, of course.

And then we somehow walked out of there with yet another mouth to feed.

We drove home with a delightful Border Collie rolling around in the backseat, wedged between my ecstatic son and me.

What did I know about dogs?

Not a whole hell of a lot, that’s for sure.

Yet once again, I found myself permitted to bring home a living thing…

With no clue as to what I was doing or getting into. 

Sensing a pattern here?

I’d only owned a small handful of pets in my life.

We had a few gerbils and hamsters when I was little.

I thought they were creepy and was terrified to ever go near them.

When I was 12, I desperately wanted a kitten.

And as luck would have it, we ended up getting one for free.

She was part Siamese, and far bigger part crazed alley cat.

When she wasn’t busy trying to stuff live birds and butterflies in her mouth, she’d move on to picking fights with the neighborhood cats.

She also tried to kill us on a daily basis as she hid at the bottom of the stairs with the hope of catching a leg or two on the way down.

And then there was our more recent failed venture in fish ownership.

The first-ever pets for my boys, the never-ending cycle of birth and death in that tank of inbreeding fish should’ve, at the very least, taught us a lesson in setting a solid case for avoiding future pets at all costs.

What were we thinking?

I’ve never been much of a dog person.

Large dogs freak me out.

Loud dogs don’t do much for me, either.

But this guy…

He’s no ordinary dog.

He’s sweet.

He’s quiet.

He stands on his hind legs and gives gentle hugs. 

He’s calm, happy, and entertaining.

He loves to be loved.

He’s our 5 year old puppy.

Most of the other dogs at the shelter were barking their heads off and bouncing off the sides of their cages like crack-fueled maniacs.

But not this guy.

He sat there quietly, gazing at us with a look of pure happiness and contentment.

As if he knew the key to being a winning prospect was simply to not look like a raving lunatic.

And so now here we are, going for walks and peeing in neighbors’ flower beds.

The dog, I mean.

Not me.

Definitely not me.

He’s also taken a liking to pooping in my herb garden.

Well, they do say pets enrich lives.

I guess the extra fertilizer must be the enriching factor.

Hopefully those herbs will really start flourishing now!

For someone who never cared much for dogs, this sweet boy managed to win me over in a heartbeat.

I’m still not sure how to feel about all the face licking and crotch sniffing, though.

But at least he doesn’t ask me when I’m going grocery shopping again since he probably won’t be the one eating us out of the house.

~Happy Friday, friends! If you’d like to read my son’s compelling case for getting a dog, click on the picture below for a larger view. I think he might have a future in persuasive essay writing. Either that, or he’ll make a disturbingly fine attorney… Have a fantastic weekend!~

The letter that led to it all...

The letter that led to it all…

Exotic Pets from Hell

Searching for an untraditional pet for the kids?

Got an empty fish tank, cage, or bathtub you’d like to bring new life to?

Well, look no further!

Meet Aye-Aye, a freaky-looking Madagascar Lemur with massive eyes, enormous ears, and incredibly long fingers.

Just think of the countless hours you can spend gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes!

This is one staring contest I just can't win.

This is one staring contest I just can’t win.

Kids love Guinea Pigs, so why not take it one step further with a more unconventional route that will make all their friends jealous?

The South American native Capybara is the world’s largest rodent, weighing in at a mere 150 lbs.

He’s oh so huggable and cuddly!

With webbed feet, he’d also make a fine swimming partner on those hot summer days.

But keep in mind, they do need companionship, so a pair of Capybaras would be optimal.

Look how cute and cuddly this guy is! He's like a giant bunny rabbit...minus the long ears and adorable little tail.

Look how cute and cuddly this guy is! He’s like a giant bunny rabbit…minus the long ears and adorable little tail.

Any kid can catch an insect and stick it in a jar, but why not go for something a bit more fascinating?

Cue the Leaf Insect.

His camouflage makes him invisible, to both predators and as a predator himself.

Just a heads up, though…

When raising a fork-full of salad greens to your mouth, do everyone a favor and take a close look to ensure you are not about to devour the family pet.

I wonder if this little guy packs the same nutritional punch as a serving of spinach?

I wonder if this little guy packs the same nutritional punch as a serving of spinach?

Introducing the Giant Coconut Crab.

Yes, he will indeed eat a coconut if he manages to get his claws around one.

As the world’s largest arthropod, he eats mostly fruits and nuts.

And maybe an annoying kid brother, with any luck.

Yikes! I'm not gonna lie...this one scares me a little bit.

Yikes! I’m not gonna lie…this one scares me a little bit.

What is that smell?

The sadly misaligned skunk is truly just a pet waiting for a good home.

Skunks are loving, playful, and intelligent.

Perhaps even cuddly, depending on how adventurous you are.

Get one of these babies, and you will undoubtedly be the only person brave enough in your state (or entire region) to own one.

How can anyone not find this utterly adorable? Wait, what is that horrendous stench?

How can anyone not find this utterly adorable? Wait, what is that horrendous stench?

Interested in a pet you’ll only have to deal with once in a blue moon?

Then the Indian Purple Frog is just right for you!

Living above ground only two weeks out of the year, this frog spends the other 50 weeks under the ground, mating.

Talk about a low maintenance pet.

He’ll be around long enough to keep the kids interested and gone long enough for them to miss him.

For some strange reason, I can't picture getting too cuddly with this slimy fellow.

For some strange reason, I can’t picture getting too cuddly with this slimy fellow.

The Maui’s Dolphin is sure to be a hit with the whole family.

These dolphins love to blow bubbles and play.

The most rare and smallest subspecies of dolphin, a female will grow to only five feet.

If you have a large garden tub in the guest bathroom, or a giant empty fish tank in the family room, the wait is over!

Now this is the pet I've been waiting my whole life for! My garden tub is finally going to fulfill its true purpose!

Now this is the pet I’ve been waiting my whole life for! My garden tub is finally going to fulfill its true purpose!

While all the other families in the neighborhood have the requisite cats and dogs, you will be the envy of them all.

With just a few minor adaptations, you’ll be ready to bring home a wonderful new exotic pet!

~Happy Friday, everyone! Hope you all enjoyed a little piece of offbeat insanity! Have a great weekend!~