Very, Very Unfairy

So I ate that bag of bread.

And half a bag of treats, too.

But I was left by myself for days!

Days!!!

What?

It was only 10 minutes?

Seriously?

Huh.

Well, it felt like days.

What do you mean I’m not getting anything else for dinner now?

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, many people say.

But is it okay to poop on it instead?

Just asking.

You know, for a friend.

No other dog in the history of the world has ever been treated so very, very unfairly.

Believe me.

Even my enemies agree.

And I have many, many of those.

Trust me.

Especially after I’ve sniffed their poop and tried to eat their food.

But I’m telling you, I think these owners of mine have problems.

What am I going to do about it?

Oh, you’ll see. 

Yeah.

You’ll find out soon enough.

Luckily for you, I don’t speak my thoughts.

Unluckily for you, there’s Twitter.

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Treated very unfairly by low energy humans again. Sad!

Ha!

That’ll show them.

Ooooh, a ball!

Look at that bright, shiny ball!

What was I saying?

Oh, yeah.

@thebiglybestestdoggie: You’re fired! Overrated humans! You’re all very bad hombres!

Oh, except I do need someone to feed me dinner.

Pretty please?

Oh, come on.

Don’t make me beg.

I’m sorry.

Okay?

@thebiglybestestdoggie: I’m the most tremendously people loving dog you’ll ever meet! I love people! All of them! Believe me!

I’m just a doggie horribly, horribly wronged.

Nobody knew it would be so hard!

To have self-control 24/7!

And to run this dump!

Nobody!

Who would’ve guessed?

Hashtag unfair!

So what are you gonna do?

Build a cage?

Create a ban to keep me out of the kitchen?

Find some other way to make your household “great” again?

What about those other monsters running around the house like savages? 

Huh?

Will you threaten to cage them, too?

What’s the word for those things again?

Oh, right.

Kids.

Ooh!

Look at that beautiful treat!

It’s the most beautiful treat ever!

And I’m gonna shove it down my gluttonous throat!

@thebiglybestestdoggie: A+ for going in and taking what I want better than anyone in the history of the world!

What can I say?

I’m a real go-getter.

You know, a lot of people are saying I should also be able to crotch-sniff anyone I damn well please.

Even Rocket Man.

What’s that?

You think I’m being overly dramatic?

Listen, you son of a female dog!

(Oh wait, I think I just described myself.)

I challenge you to a duel!

On second thought, my paws are probably too small.

IQ test, anyone?

Yeah, how about that?

Moron!

I know words!

I know lots of words!

I know yuuuge ones!

Like sit and stay

But not no.

Definitely not no. 

Roll over?

What am I, some kind of animal?

Losers!

I’m tired of being treated so unfairly!

And so I’ll respond the only way I know how.

With fire and fury!

Ha ha ha!

Just kidding!

I’m a sweet, loving doggie!

But I think those mushrooms I just ate in the backyard might’ve been hallucinogenic.

I love you!

Now give me a hug!

Aww!

You’re the best!

@thebiglybestestdoggie: Woof, woof, woof. Doggie out!

~Happy Saturday, friends! Furry friends sure do make life more entertaining, don’t they? Have a fun-filled, happy weekend!~

Yes, I did help myself to a loaf of bread and a bunch of treats. But I'm really a good dog. I swear!

Yes, I did help myself to a loaf of bread and a bunch of treats. But I’m really a good dog. I swear!

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27 thoughts on “Very, Very Unfairy

  1. This weekend our puppy decided to show us which boards were loose in the fence. It was so kind of him…luckily, he stayed nearby.
    He was not happy to discover that boy 1 nailed his secret escape hatches closed.

    Like

    • It’s remarkable all the creative ways dogs come us with to “help” us out. Whether eating everything in sight to prevent the most remote possibility of waste, to showing us what types of household repairs need to be attended to ASAP… we’d obviously be lost without their guidance. 😛

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Apparently you haven’t shared my blog site with your dog. There is no way he would have consumed that many carbohydrates otherwise! Do yourself and your new family member a favor; share my site with him and his friends. A well nourished dog, willing to exercise, willing to stand and move hourly, and willing NOT TO SMOKE will experience a healthier outlook on life. His behavior is clearly a “crying out” for the information I share with the world.
    Of course, there may be a down side if he becomes obsessed with the material (as many canine readers have.) He is likely to develop a superiority complex and begin judging y’all about lifestyle habits. Within the house this attitude may be tolerable, but when he’s hangin’ with the home boys, gossip spreads fast! Control his computer time and the household should survive.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s no use! First, I tried to show him a cute picture of himself on my laptop, and he lovingly gave it a good ol’ lick. Then I brought him over to your blog, but the first thing he scrolled to was an image with the magical McD’s golden arch, so then he tried to eat it right off the monitor. I have a feeling he’s a highly visual doggie, so he may benefit from strategically displayed posters showcasing the dos and don’ts of acceptable food options… 😛

      Like

  3. Seems you’ve really gotten into your dog’s head, Quirky. Love his Trumped-up tweets, those were great–I hear them in Alec Baldwin’s voice. Bread is irresistible, you know. When we were dating (eons ago), my hubby’s dog ate the sandwich I’d packed for lunch, I swear I wasn’t gone ten seconds. He left me the Saran wrap. My Labrador used to snatch stale bread I threw out for the birds. Forgive him, or he will make sad puppy eyes. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, no! Not the puppy dog eyes! Anything but that! 😛

      It must’ve been hard to stay mad at a doggie who had the thoughtfulness to at least save you a bit of saran wrap after he devoured your lunch. It’s all about sharing, right? 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Ha, ha, ha! This is so great. Love that photo and the caption underneath. 🙂 🙂
    Have a great weekend, and thanks for the smiles! Love and blessings, Debbie
    ps – hope your kids are doing well. Bet they are getting excited for Halloween.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, yes. They do love Halloween…and all the fun and candy that go along with it. But then again, who doesn’t look forward to that? 😄 Only a week and a half to go!

      Hope your weekend has been fantastic! It’s been unseasonably warm and sunny here. ☀️☀️☀️

      Liked by 1 person

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