Homer’s in the House!

The Dream Team is in the house!

The White House that is.

Fed up with politics?

I know my head is gonna explode if all the word vomit from both sides continues.

Enough, already!

And what is the deal with all these Back to the Future type of predictions coming true lately?

First the Cubs won the World Series.

(Yeah!)

And now…

Sixteen years after a Simpsons episode titled Bart to the Future had aired, where Lisa Simpson had become president – following a Donald presidency, in a seemingly far-fetched and highly satirical scenario…

Hmmm.

Well, it appears The Simpsons writer Dan Greaney had predicted the future.

On that note, I personally like the idea of the Simpsons in the White House.

That’s right, the Simpsons.

And I’m guessing many more in America would agree, seeing as how we’ve kept them as part of our families and households for well over two decades.

Sure, they’re all fictional characters.

But…

They’re the family everyone in America can feel great about!

I would’ve assigned Lisa Simpson Presidential honors, as was rightfully bestowed upon her in that episode, but if we’ve learned nothing else this week, it’s that this country isn’t quite ready for a female president.

Sorry, Lisa.

Maybe next time.

Anyway…

Presenting President Homer J. Simpson and his All-Star Presidential Cabinet, consisting of some of Springfield’s finest!

homer-president

Homer Simpson, President of the United States

Finally, a man of the people and for the people! Homer has promised to utilize donuts to promote world peace.  He brings with him numerous years of experience at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Sure, he can be lazy, incompetent, and downright dangerous at times, and also spends most of his waking hours getting wasted at Moe’s Tavern. But deep down, he’s not so bad.

flanders-vp Ned Flanders, Vice President

Though far from Homer’s favorite person, Homer’s advisers recommended his neighbor Flanders to balance out Homer’s outbursts and bouts of stupidity. Good-natured and mild-tempered, Flanders can help ease any situation Homer manages to land them in. He consistently upholds moral values with his honesty and the basic human decency that Homer tends to lack.
lisa-dept-of-state

Lisa Simpson, Department of State

As the only Simpson actually smart enough to be in the White House in the first place, Lisa is well-suited to handling diplomatic relationships. An over-achieving member of Mensa, she values morals, intelligence, and challenges. In the event that Homer’s gifts of endless donuts do not have universal translation resulting in immense gratitude, her diplomatic skills will be put to good use.

mr-burns

Montgomery Burns, Department of Treasury

Mr. Burns is the insanely wealthy and influential owner and manager of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. He’s also been Homer Simpson’s boss for years. But now the tables have turned, so this ought to be interesting. At any rate, he’s greedy. Very greedy, as a matter of fact. He’ll have no problem collecting hefty taxes from everyone.

nelson-dept-of-denfense

Nelson Muntz, Department of Defense

Who better for this position than the school yard bully? Nelson has a gift of showing up in awkward situations of misfortune,  always just in time to point, humiliate, and laugh with his trademark “Ha ha!” He’s been known to beat up kids much larger than himself. Homer’s advisers deemed this a highly desirable quality, so Nelson was unanimously voted into the Cabinet.

chief-wiggum

Clarence Wiggum, Department of Justice

As head of the Springfield Police Department, Chief Wiggum has done an exceptional job of embodying the stereotypical overweight, donut-loving police officer. He’s incompetent and indecent, and public safety isn’t a strong point of his either, but Homer’s advisers believe it’s adequate enough to be sufficient.

maggie-dept-of-interior

Maggie Simpson, Department of the Interior

Despite being a baby, Maggie is possibly the most mature member of the Simpson family. While this department handles the conservation of our land, some people are saying that global warming isn’t real in the first place. This reasoning led Homer to conclude that the world can probably take care of its own land just fine. Which means even a baby could handle this job. Let’s just leave it at that.

moe

Moe Szyslak, Department of Agriculture

As the owner of Moe’s Tavern, he’s a natural fit. He knows plenty about beer, and beer comes from wheat. Makes perfect sense. A good fit indeed. Well, aside from the fact that he often tends to be irritable and rude. Come to think of it, he’s a rather crappy business owner. But he was hand-picked for this job by his buddy Homer. Good enough!

apu

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Department of Commerce

As the owner of Kwik-E-Mart, Apu has ample business sense.He is a dutiful worker, and is generally polite towards all of his customers, always thanking them for their patronage. Hell, he even says thank you to his armed robbers. At any rate, Apu will work wonders for our nation’s economy. “Thank you! Come again!”

dr-hibbert

Dr Julius Hibbert, Department of Health and Human Services

Dr. Hibbert, unlike most other citizens of Springfield, is actually competent. And seemingly less dysfunctional, too. Sure, he laughs at inappropriate moments, but at least he can find a reason to laugh in almost any situation. That, surely, is a virtue. Unless he’s laughing at a patient. In which case, that’s (probably) just plain rude.

barneyBarney Gumble, Department of Housing and Urban Development

The Springfield town drunk, Barney is Homer Simpson’s best friend. He is a  frequent customer at Moe’s. In fact, it seems he has little time for anything else. However, since the HUD works on national housing needs by helping poorer families qualify to buy houses, Barney is the perfect candidate to relate to his clients, as he’s likely poor himself. Especially with as much time and money as he spends at the bar.

otto

Otto Mann, Department of Transportation

He drives like a maniac, and kids think he’s pretty awesome. A former school underachiever who now works as the bus driver for Springfield Elementary, Otto is well-versed in fast (if not exactly) safe transportation. Duuuuude…

 

smithers

Waylon Smithers, Department of Energy

As Mr. Burns’ personal assistant, executive, and self-proclaimed best friend, Smithers begged to be part of Homer’s presidential cabinet, just to be close to Mr. Burns. For his part, he probably does have some level of interest in energy, especially after years of service at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.

skinner

Seymour Skinner, Department of Education

The not-so-well loved Principal Skinner would probably do an acceptable job in this department, in spite of the lousy and scathing recommendation from his own mother. He is the stereotypical educational bureaucrat. Between inadequate resources, apathetic teachers, and unenthusiastic students, he is in a constant struggle to maintain control. Skinner will undoubtedly have his work cut out for him.

grampa-simpson

Abe Simpson, Department of Veterans Affairs

Grampa Simpson is a senile World War II veteran who had previously resided in the Springfield Retirement Castle, prior to his arrival at the White House. In spite of his rambling and inaccurate stories and general incompetence, his experience should be an asset in relating well to fellow veterans.

 

krusty-the-clown

Krusty the Clown, Department of Homeland Security

Truth be told, Krusty doesn’t know a whole hell of a lot about security. However, he is hardened after being down on his luck so many times, and besides, people find clowns to be scary. This quality alone will serve as a major asset in the security department. It should be noted that this will be a team effort, as Sideshow Bob has graciously agreed to continue on as Krusty’s scary-ass sidekick. And everyone knows that Sideshow Bob is just a tad bit on the…shall we say… rough side. Watch out!

willie

William MacDougal, Department of Labor

Who better to know about labor than the irritable, yet hard-working janitor Groundskeeper Willie?  As head groundskeeper at Springfield Elementary School, Willie is both incompetent and temperamental. Oh, and he has a drinking problem, too. Nonetheless, he rounds out Homer Simpson’s elite Presidential Cabinet.

After reading the descriptions of all the different cabinet positions, I’ve realized something.

Lisa Simpson could probably do every single one of these jobs exceptionally well.

Only problem is, she isn’t actually real.

D’oh!

Oh, well.

The bottom line is this:

If we want world peace, we need common ground.

And donuts are something we can all agree on.

There are even gluten-free and sugar-free varieties, so nobody will ever be excluded or feel discriminated against again.

Go, President Homer!

simpsons-white-house

This fine White House model was a product of my overactive imagination. I gotta say, the First Family has never looked so good.

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The Wisdom of Homer~Part 2

I’ll teach you to laugh at something that’s funny!

Just when I thought there was no more wisdom for Homer to impart, I encountered even more gems of pure genius.

I hadn’t realized it was possible for one character to single-handedly verbalize so many unintentionally humorous off-the-wall thoughts.

But then, his penchant for the offbeat is truly unparalleled.

Turns out Homer’s 27+ years of half-assed parenting/employment/mere existence has generated a plethora of material for me to work with.

So…

A well-justified encore is definitely in order for the not-quite-wiser-than-Yoda patriarch of one of the world’s most dysfunctional cartoon families in history.

Presenting ten more of Homer’s astoundingly witty moments:

homer simpson happy

(It’s safe to assume things start to go downhill for Homer the instant he opens his mouth.)

homer stole a bike forgiveness

(Something about this one just seems very wrong. And yet, he is on the right track, asking for forgiveness… So surely that counts for something?)

homer simpson english

(Which begs the question- what language does this guy speak? Drunkenese, perhaps?)

homer simpson ill teach you

(Laughing at Homer’s expense is obviously a very, very bad idea.)

homer simpson dinosaur

(Good point. That actually levels the playing field, if you think about it.)

homer simpson elected officials

(Ha! I’m more than happy to think for myself, thank you very much.)

homer simpson dinner time

(He could easily moonlight as the official Duff Beer mascot.)

homer simpson shut up brain

(Does he even have a brain? Or would he simply be jabbing around in a vast area of emptiness?)

homer simpson making a scene

(A clear indication that his behavior tends to push the limits of acceptable human conduct.)

homer simpson to kill a mocking

(And the moral of the story? Oh, right. Homer wouldn’t recognize a moral if it came crashing down on his head.)

~Have a great weekend, everybody! Be sure to also check out part one of The Wisdom of Homer! ~

The Badness of Bart

Don’t have a cow, man!

El Barto.

Bartman.

Bart Simpson.

Homer and Marge’s impressively underachieving firstborn.

Mischievous and rebellious, this kid is definitely not a role-model child by any stretch of the imagination.

But he is one of America’s favorite juvenile delinquents.

Presenting ten inspiring quotes from the infamous Bart:

bart simpson try to try

(That’s a start, I suppose.)

bart simpson can't prove anythi

(Little wonder this kid spends his days in detention.)

bart simpson crazy people

(Poor Bartman. That’s actually kind of sad. )

bart simpson good or bad

(Right. You just keep telling yourself that, kid.)

bart simpson damned if you do

(Truer words have never been spoken. Especially not by a 10 year-old with a penchant for bad behavior.)

bart simpson liar

(Blatant honesty is always so refreshing.)

bart simpson true meaning of ch

(Once again, Bart is slightly misguided as the result of poor parenting. On a side note: leave it to Ho-Ho-Homer to spread cheer through strangulation.)

bart simpson sucks and blows

(No point in sugar-coating the truth, is there?)

bart simpson never give up

(Well, he started off on the right track with this one.)

bart simpson stare at the sun

(Sounds like the kind of advice you’d expect from Homer. Proof that the apple doesn’t fall far.)

Bart may not be an overachiever like his sister Lisa, but he sure has perfected the art of trouble-making.

And he’s a master prankster.

Well, what do you really expect from a character whose name is the anagram for the word “brat”?

Ay carumba!

~Hope you all have a great weekend! Don’t forget to also check out The Wisdom of Homer, The Logic of Lisa, and The Modesty of Marge.~

The Modesty of Marge

She’s not particularly exciting.

What does she do all day, anyway?

I mean,  besides vacuum and drive her kids around?

Oh. My. God.

I think I  just described myself.

The horror!

Okay, okay. Enough of that pity party.

Presenting ten of Marge’s most profound, yet undoubtedly humorous quotes:

marge simpson aim low

(Brilliant! Set that bar low enough, and you’ll never be disappointed again!)

marge simpson too tense2

(She definitely can’t be accused of sugar-coating the truth with that attitude.)

marge simpson listen to your heart

(So that’s how it works? I would’ve sworn it was the other way around.)

marge simpson never raise a hand

(A rather classy way to get the message across, sans violence.)

marge simpson springfield

(Proof that it’s easy to become too complacent, even in mediocrity.)

marge simpson brain food

(Intelligence aside, their very presence in your can of tuna means more bang for your buck!)

marge simpson so funny

(Consider yourself lucky. Some people don’t even have a sense of humor.)

marge simpson fetish

(Hey, give her a break! She’s been wearing the same set of clothes since 1989.)

marge simpson doing something right

(The ultimate gauge for accessing a job well done.)

marge simpson vacation

(Who needs Hawaii when you can have your very own jail cell?)

Apparently, I’ve got more in common with Marge Simpson than I realized.

Well, except I don’ t have a blue beehive.

Or three messed-up kids.

Or a husband with only two brain cells.

Poor Marge.

She’s patient, compassionate, and forgiving.

But the moralistic matriarch really didn’t hit the jackpot with that family, did she?

~Happy Thursday, everyone! Hope you’re having a terrific week! If you haven’t already, please be sure to check out the other two parts of The Simpsons series: The Wisdom of Homer and The Logic of Lisa!~

The Logic of Lisa

She isn’t cool like Bart, adorable like Maggie, or tolerant like Marge.

Or half-baked like Homer.

She may not be the most charismatic or even overly likable, for that matter.

But you’ve got to admit, she has more brain cells than Bart, Maggie, Marge, and Homer.

Collectively.

Lisa Simpson: the vegetarian, overachieving, saxophone-playing middle child.

And boy, does she have sarcasm down to an art.

She’s a total smart-ass. Deadpanning is as much her strength as her intelligence.

Presenting ten of Lisa’s finest moments of sassy and witty wisdom:

lisa simpson not a frown

(I do believe this is the new politically correct term for Not Happy.)

(lisa simpson romance dead

(Hence the term Hallmark Holiday. No moolah equals no love, don’t ya know?)

lisa simpson popular girl

(I know, I know. Life is sooo unfair.)

lisa simpson words of encourage

( Homer and Marge have been trying for years to be slightly-better-than-totally-horrible parents.)

lisa simpson goody two shoes

(Proof that even those Goody Two Shoes have skeletons in their closets.)

lisa simpson envy and help

(If this isn’t the World’s Most Perfect Family, I’m at a total loss.)

lisa simpson psychiatrist

(Surely just a minor drawback of being part of a dysfunctional family.)

lisa simpson pain and drudgery

(Depressing, yes. But also poignantly true.)

lisa simpson book n beers

(She’s obviously referencing Homer, not me. Hey, I don’t even like beer!)

lisa simpson silent fool

(My personal favorite. Attributed to both Abraham Lincoln and Mark Twain, I’m inclined to give Lisa full credit on this one.)

Lisa may not be as well-loved as some of the other Simpsons, but she does have redeeming qualities.

She’s passionate, she cares about the environment, and she actually has morals.

She rebels against societal norms, for goodness sake.

What’s not to love about that?

Yeah, I can definitely relate to Lisa Simpson.

After all, I am a fellow smart-ass and vegetarian, myself.

And…

I, too, have a few more brain cells than the average cartoon character.

~If you’re a fan of The Simpsons and enjoyed this post, please be sure to also check out The Wisdom of Homer. Happy Thursday!~

The Wisdom of Homer

Finally!

A man of true character!

Alright, fine.

His character is questionable, at best.

But he’s definitely got character, for whatever that’s worth.

No, I’m not referring to the blind Greek poet Homer, who’s credited for creating brilliant works such as The  Odyssey and The Illiad.

Geez!

Lower your standards a couple thousand notches, people!

That’s right.

I’m talking about the great Homer Simpson, of course!

Presenting ten of Homer’s finest, most inspiring and motivational quotes to help start your weekend off right:

homer trying

(Well, yeah. I guess that is a valid point.)

homer stupid risks

(Indeed, Homer. Indeed.)

homer don't care

(Again, he’s got a good point.)

homer children future

(Umm… Moving on…)

homer smart

(Close enough.)

homer brain my damage

(No worries. Pretty sure the damage was already done.)

homer never try

(Okay, so I wouldn’t go quite that far..)

homer blame

(Fair enough.)

homer alcohol

(Hey, you can’t have your cake and eat it, too.)

homer education

(It’s safe to assume Homer no longer makes any such attempt.)

~Happy Friday, everyone! Hope your weekend is amazing!~