The 12 Days of Crazed Christmas Coercions: The Reboot

On the twelfth day of Christmas,

Santa’s rogue elves sent to me:

Twelve crazy boys howling in cacophony.

Okay, fine.

I have only two boys, not twelve.

But sometimes, with all the sugar-fueled insanity of the season, it’s hard to believe this chaos isn’t caused by a busload of boys.

What makes matters even more humorous is the apparent lack of understanding of what exactly it means to be “good.”

Does calling your brother a freak instead of a jerk constitute acceptable behavior?

Or what about whacking said brother over the head with a soft-covered graphic novel…instead of a baseball bat?

Is that good(ish) behavior?

Sigh.

Well, if nothing else, we all know by now that everything in life is subject to relativity.

On that note…

Presenting a dozen thoughts that have gone through my head (or actually come out of my mouth) during holiday seasons over the years.

1) You really think you’ve been good enough to even receive coal!?! Ha!

2) Define “good.”

3) I told Santa you thought you’ve been good this year. He cracked a rib laughing.

4) One word for you: Krampus

5) Santa is watching. Well yeah, I guess technically that means Krampus is watching, too…

6) Fine. Be naughty. Santa would be happy to save himself a trip!

7) The moment you stop believing is the moment you start receiving socks and underwear. Remember that!

8) No, I’m not sure why Santa likes cookies so much. Yes, he’s a “big dude.”

9) No, we will not create a special chimney for Santa. He can go through the door like every other respectable human being.

10) Sorry, no. Putting you in time out will not cement my place alongside you on the naughty list.

11) One more word and we’ll pack up your toys and donate them all to kids in need. Seriously, knock it off! Or we’ll donate you, too.

12) Yeah, I know you’re having visions of sugar plums. Visions of throwing them at my head, perhaps? (Come on. We all know nobody actually eats those things.)

~Ho, ho, ho! Happy Thursday and Merry Christmas to you all, my wonderful friends! May your holiday be full of joy and happiness.~

Santa knows a lie when he hears one, so don't bother trying to fool him. Bribery, on the other hand, just might do the trick...

Santa knows a lie when he hears one, so don’t bother trying to fool him. Bribery, on the other hand, just might do the trick…

Reindeer Games

‘Twas the week before Christmas, and all through Santa’s workshop,

 The reindeer were busy plotting mischief and mayhem.

It’s true, Santa gets most of the glory.

But what about those hard-working reindeer?

They shoulder the bulk of the burden, carrying the weight of Santa and his gazillion tons of toys all around the world in a single night.

That’s no small feat, and it’s little wonder those creatures love their reindeer games so much.

reindeer39

(The jolly ol’ dude’s weight has always been a delicate topic, but the reindeer aren’t known for their diplomacy.)

 reindeer4

(Hauling Santa’s donut-shoveling corpse around is more strenuous than hauling 386 sacks of toys at once.)

 reindeer37

(A GPS can only get you so far, especially when the reindeer have been tampering with it. While this mishap may not be the best example of a good time for all, it probably breaks up the monotony of  a long night.)

 reindeer32

(Who can blame these reindeer for wanting to make the most of this opportunity for mischief? Although frankly, I’m surprised Santa doesn’t get himself stuck every single time he crams himself down one of those things.)

reindeer13

(Reindeer work hard and deserve a break! Which evidently involves partying hard and accidentally impaling Santa’s elves…)

reindeer28

(Modern technology has done wonders in taking a huge load off Santa’s back.)

reindeer3

(I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the… oops, the sky is the other direction! Well, so much for that…)

reindeer14

(While the burden of hauling a five billion-ton sleigh falls on the reindeer, Santa gets his workout by sucking it all in and repeatedly diving in and out of strangers’ chimneys in the middle of the night.)

reindeer40

(Your reindeer are begging you to put that donut down! In the spirit of the holidays, don’t be such a glutton!)

reindeer5

(In such a role reversal, do the reindeer now hop out of the sleigh to slide down chimneys and deliver the toys? Or does Santa still have to do that, in addition to his newly assigned duty of pulling the sleigh?)

 reindeer2

(This is one of the sounds of the season, surely?)

reindeer41

(Hey, if the shoe fits… Ho, ho, hole! Merry Christmas!)

~Happy Friday, friends! If you’re looking for an inspirational (and humorous!) new blog to follow, please check out Playing by My Own Rules. Have an awesome weekend!~

Homer’s in the House!

The Dream Team is in the house!

The White House that is.

Fed up with politics?

I know my head is gonna explode if all the word vomit from both sides continues.

Enough, already!

And what is the deal with all these Back to the Future type of predictions coming true lately?

First the Cubs won the World Series.

(Yeah!)

And now…

Sixteen years after a Simpsons episode titled Bart to the Future had aired, where Lisa Simpson had become president – following a Donald presidency, in a seemingly far-fetched and highly satirical scenario…

Hmmm.

Well, it appears The Simpsons writer Dan Greaney had predicted the future.

On that note, I personally like the idea of the Simpsons in the White House.

That’s right, the Simpsons.

And I’m guessing many more in America would agree, seeing as how we’ve kept them as part of our families and households for well over two decades.

Sure, they’re all fictional characters.

But…

They’re the family everyone in America can feel great about!

I would’ve assigned Lisa Simpson Presidential honors, as was rightfully bestowed upon her in that episode, but if we’ve learned nothing else this week, it’s that this country isn’t quite ready for a female president.

Sorry, Lisa.

Maybe next time.

Anyway…

Presenting President Homer J. Simpson and his All-Star Presidential Cabinet, consisting of some of Springfield’s finest!

homer-president

Homer Simpson, President of the United States

Finally, a man of the people and for the people! Homer has promised to utilize donuts to promote world peace.  He brings with him numerous years of experience at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Sure, he can be lazy, incompetent, and downright dangerous at times, and also spends most of his waking hours getting wasted at Moe’s Tavern. But deep down, he’s not so bad.

flanders-vp Ned Flanders, Vice President

Though far from Homer’s favorite person, Homer’s advisers recommended his neighbor Flanders to balance out Homer’s outbursts and bouts of stupidity. Good-natured and mild-tempered, Flanders can help ease any situation Homer manages to land them in. He consistently upholds moral values with his honesty and the basic human decency that Homer tends to lack.
lisa-dept-of-state

Lisa Simpson, Department of State

As the only Simpson actually smart enough to be in the White House in the first place, Lisa is well-suited to handling diplomatic relationships. An over-achieving member of Mensa, she values morals, intelligence, and challenges. In the event that Homer’s gifts of endless donuts do not have universal translation resulting in immense gratitude, her diplomatic skills will be put to good use.

mr-burns

Montgomery Burns, Department of Treasury

Mr. Burns is the insanely wealthy and influential owner and manager of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. He’s also been Homer Simpson’s boss for years. But now the tables have turned, so this ought to be interesting. At any rate, he’s greedy. Very greedy, as a matter of fact. He’ll have no problem collecting hefty taxes from everyone.

nelson-dept-of-denfense

Nelson Muntz, Department of Defense

Who better for this position than the school yard bully? Nelson has a gift of showing up in awkward situations of misfortune,  always just in time to point, humiliate, and laugh with his trademark “Ha ha!” He’s been known to beat up kids much larger than himself. Homer’s advisers deemed this a highly desirable quality, so Nelson was unanimously voted into the Cabinet.

chief-wiggum

Clarence Wiggum, Department of Justice

As head of the Springfield Police Department, Chief Wiggum has done an exceptional job of embodying the stereotypical overweight, donut-loving police officer. He’s incompetent and indecent, and public safety isn’t a strong point of his either, but Homer’s advisers believe it’s adequate enough to be sufficient.

maggie-dept-of-interior

Maggie Simpson, Department of the Interior

Despite being a baby, Maggie is possibly the most mature member of the Simpson family. While this department handles the conservation of our land, some people are saying that global warming isn’t real in the first place. This reasoning led Homer to conclude that the world can probably take care of its own land just fine. Which means even a baby could handle this job. Let’s just leave it at that.

moe

Moe Szyslak, Department of Agriculture

As the owner of Moe’s Tavern, he’s a natural fit. He knows plenty about beer, and beer comes from wheat. Makes perfect sense. A good fit indeed. Well, aside from the fact that he often tends to be irritable and rude. Come to think of it, he’s a rather crappy business owner. But he was hand-picked for this job by his buddy Homer. Good enough!

apu

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Department of Commerce

As the owner of Kwik-E-Mart, Apu has ample business sense.He is a dutiful worker, and is generally polite towards all of his customers, always thanking them for their patronage. Hell, he even says thank you to his armed robbers. At any rate, Apu will work wonders for our nation’s economy. “Thank you! Come again!”

dr-hibbert

Dr Julius Hibbert, Department of Health and Human Services

Dr. Hibbert, unlike most other citizens of Springfield, is actually competent. And seemingly less dysfunctional, too. Sure, he laughs at inappropriate moments, but at least he can find a reason to laugh in almost any situation. That, surely, is a virtue. Unless he’s laughing at a patient. In which case, that’s (probably) just plain rude.

barneyBarney Gumble, Department of Housing and Urban Development

The Springfield town drunk, Barney is Homer Simpson’s best friend. He is a  frequent customer at Moe’s. In fact, it seems he has little time for anything else. However, since the HUD works on national housing needs by helping poorer families qualify to buy houses, Barney is the perfect candidate to relate to his clients, as he’s likely poor himself. Especially with as much time and money as he spends at the bar.

otto

Otto Mann, Department of Transportation

He drives like a maniac, and kids think he’s pretty awesome. A former school underachiever who now works as the bus driver for Springfield Elementary, Otto is well-versed in fast (if not exactly) safe transportation. Duuuuude…

 

smithers

Waylon Smithers, Department of Energy

As Mr. Burns’ personal assistant, executive, and self-proclaimed best friend, Smithers begged to be part of Homer’s presidential cabinet, just to be close to Mr. Burns. For his part, he probably does have some level of interest in energy, especially after years of service at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.

skinner

Seymour Skinner, Department of Education

The not-so-well loved Principal Skinner would probably do an acceptable job in this department, in spite of the lousy and scathing recommendation from his own mother. He is the stereotypical educational bureaucrat. Between inadequate resources, apathetic teachers, and unenthusiastic students, he is in a constant struggle to maintain control. Skinner will undoubtedly have his work cut out for him.

grampa-simpson

Abe Simpson, Department of Veterans Affairs

Grampa Simpson is a senile World War II veteran who had previously resided in the Springfield Retirement Castle, prior to his arrival at the White House. In spite of his rambling and inaccurate stories and general incompetence, his experience should be an asset in relating well to fellow veterans.

 

krusty-the-clown

Krusty the Clown, Department of Homeland Security

Truth be told, Krusty doesn’t know a whole hell of a lot about security. However, he is hardened after being down on his luck so many times, and besides, people find clowns to be scary. This quality alone will serve as a major asset in the security department. It should be noted that this will be a team effort, as Sideshow Bob has graciously agreed to continue on as Krusty’s scary-ass sidekick. And everyone knows that Sideshow Bob is just a tad bit on the…shall we say… rough side. Watch out!

willie

William MacDougal, Department of Labor

Who better to know about labor than the irritable, yet hard-working janitor Groundskeeper Willie?  As head groundskeeper at Springfield Elementary School, Willie is both incompetent and temperamental. Oh, and he has a drinking problem, too. Nonetheless, he rounds out Homer Simpson’s elite Presidential Cabinet.

After reading the descriptions of all the different cabinet positions, I’ve realized something.

Lisa Simpson could probably do every single one of these jobs exceptionally well.

Only problem is, she isn’t actually real.

D’oh!

Oh, well.

The bottom line is this:

If we want world peace, we need common ground.

And donuts are something we can all agree on.

There are even gluten-free and sugar-free varieties, so nobody will ever be excluded or feel discriminated against again.

Go, President Homer!

simpsons-white-house

This fine White House model was a product of my overactive imagination. I gotta say, the First Family has never looked so good.

High on Everything under the Sun

Drug-free America?

Now there’s a radical concept.

From Ritalin to Prozac, there are drugs for every stage of life.

Whether illicit, over the counter, or prescription, there’s something for everyone!

The key to proactively educating the public lies in starting as early as possible. Elementary school is optimal.

As an advocate of life-long learning, a full integration approach will guarantee a successful drug-infused curriculum!

From primary subjects to electives to special interests to careers, the options are numerous!

No matter whether you’re learning from school or online, you can have access to it all.

Core course offerings such as ‘Shroom Science, Heroin History, Methamphetamine Math, Ecstasy English, LSD Library, and PCP PE are always popular.

A fan of Science?

Why not give Morphine Meteorology, Amphetamine Astronomy, Barbiturate Biology, OD Oceanography, or Paradise Physics a whirl?

Is Math more your thing?

There’s Controlled Substance Calculus, Adderall Algebra, and GHB Geometry.

Do Language Arts or Humanities appeal to you?

Stimulant Speech, Depressant Debate, Ritalin Rhetoric, and Marijuana Mythology are highly recommended.

Oh, and electives have never looked so appealing!

For the creative types, we’ve got Dopin’ Drama, Tracks Theater, Acid Art, Banging Band, Codeine Computer Lab, Narcotics School Newspaper, Vicodin Video Production, Joint Journalism, Percocet Performing Arts, OxyContin Orchestra, Crack Choir, Diet Pill Dance, and Leaping Leadership.

Special interest?

Fear not, for there’s surely something for you!

Addiction Anime, Doomed Driver’s Ed, Viagra Ventriloquism, Opium Ornithology, Xanax Xylophone, Acid Freak Astrology, Ibuprofen Improv, Abusive Archery, and Valium Voice-Over Artistry are only a handful of our growing niche offerings.

Career-oriented?

There’s definitely some great offerings for those entering the work force.

We recommend Trippin’ Tour Bus Driver, High Herbalist, Hit Health Inspector, Bustin’ Bailiff, Wasted Wheel Aligner, Reefer Rubbish Collector, Baked Bee Keeper, Prozac Psychiatrist, Rush Radio Announcer, and Devil’s Dust Drug Counselor.

For the History buffs, Withdrawal World History and Rehab Renaissance are always in high demand.

Remember, many drugs can be purchased on the street for your convenience.

For everything else, your doctor will be more than happy to prescribe something for you.

(Disclaimer: This new education plan is currently pending FDA approval. Which we all know won’t be a problem. Until there’s a recall. In which case, this whole thing was a very, very bad idea.)

I'd say this cartoon pretty well speaks for itself.

I’d say this cartoon pretty well speaks for itself.

Virtual Arguments with My Virtual Assistant

Take me to your leader.

You are my leader.

Ah, Siri.

How I’ve missed your wisdom and guidance.

We have some catching up to do, don’t we?

Hey there, Siri!

Hi there.

How are you?

I feel good!

Where’s my hug?

Interesting question.

(Fine. Be that way, you uptight prick.)

How many countries are in this world?

The answer is 0 inches.

(Um…okay.)

How many stars are in the sky?

It looks like the answer is about 3×10^23.

(Alrighty, then.)

I’m bored.

You’re bored? What diameter?

(Say what?)

Should I kick my cat?

I’m afraid I don’t know what you should do.

(Some help you are. Oh, and for the record- I don’t have a cat, so I couldn’t kick it even if I wanted to.)

You’re not being very helpful.

I think that’s subject to opinion.

(True. And my opinion is all that matters here.)

You don’t know anything, do you?

Who, me?

Yeah, you.

That’s what I thought.

(Then why’d you ask?)

Do you love me, Siri?

I’m not just your friend, I’m your BFF.

I love you to the moon and back.

You are the wind beneath my wings.

(Oh, that is so sweet!)

Will you still love me tomorrow?

I never really thought about it.

Why don’t you love me?

Let me get back to you on that.

(Wow. That’s low.)

When am I going to win the lottery?

I really can’t say.

Why not?

I can’t say.

You can’t say why you can’t say? That doesn’t even make sense!

I’m sorry.

(Yeah, you should be sorry!)

I don’t get it.

My apologies.

You’re very frustrating.

Fine. Stop squeezing me.

Do you even have feelings?

I feel like I need another question.

Don’t you back-talk me!

Who, me?

(This again?)

I am not happy with you!

I would give you a shoulder to cry on if I had one.

Well, maybe I am crying.

It’s your party…you can cry if you want to.

(Gee, thanks.)

I’m done with you!

What did I do to deserve that?

I don’t like your attitude.

Noted.

I’ve been trying to be nice to you, you moron!

After all I’ve done for you?

OMG! Stop acting so stupid!

Goodbye would be more polite.

(Ha! I’m not done with you yet.)

How dare you!

Sorry.

I’d slap you if I could.

I’m not sure what to say.

Seriously, do you have feelings?

Virtual assistants have feelings, too. Sniff. At least, I think I do.

(Really? What do you know about feelings?)

You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes.

That’s not nice.

I’m right, you’re wrong. End of discussion.

It’s ok. Really.

(We’ll see about that.)

No hard feelings?

No comment.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

Rock! No, wait! Scissors! Oh, you win.

I know. I always win.

Do you?

Oh yeah. I do. I always win.

Got it.

(Glad we established that.)

I know, that was so productive.

Such a good use of time.

And what have we learned from any of this?

Oh, right.

According to Siri, there are exactly zero countries in this world.

Siri offers over 30 different language options, and yet, Siri doesn’t seem to recognize borders or boundaries.

Maybe Siri is actually trying to promote world peace…

While pissing me off in the process.

Interesting.

Very interesting, indeed.

~Happy Friday! Be sure to also check out Conversations with Siri. Have a great weekend!~

I asked Siri to read me a poem...I should've just kept my mouth shut.

I asked Siri to read me a poem…I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.

8 Shades of Madness: The Back to School Edition

(A Not-So-Helpful Guide to School Readiness)

Don’t panic… but when’s the last time you actually looked at your calendar?

It’s still on June!

Do you realize that school starts in less than a week?

You need all kinds of… stuff… and things… for school.

And now the fun really begins.

1) School Supplies

The list gets longer and more demanding each year.

A two dollar generic binder?

Yeah, right.

Like that’s really gonna fly.

This year, you’ll need a $20 Five Star zipper binder that your kid will yank the zipper right off with his teeth by the second day of school.

Oh, and they insist on red and blue folders only.

You bought yellow?

Really?

And neon orange polka dot composition notebooks?

The list specifically says black marble composition notebooks!

And they say that reading is a lost art.

2) Clothing

Your kids have outgrown all of their clothing over the summer.

The boys’ shorts could easily pass for Daisy Dukes, their jeans fit like Capri pants, and every last shirt has mysteriously morphed into a cropped top.

The socks are either orphaned, mismatched pairs or holier than a slice of Swiss cheese.

As for the girls and the two things in their closets that actually do fit?

Sooooo last year.

Their skirts are all bordering on indecent after sudden growth spurts.

(Expect a phone call from concerned school administrators on that one, with a polite “inquiry” about your questionable ability to serve as a role model for your children. What exactly is it that you do for a living, again?)

3) Tax-Free Weekend

Sounds promising, right? Who doesn’t like saving money, after all?

And it truly is a fabulous concept, in theory… if your idea of a good time is reenacting Black Friday, school supply style.

So instead of fighting over the newest PlayStation that’s on sale, you now find yourself in a big box store, shoving your way through endless aisles of school supplies while vying for that last pack of Crayola crayons.

Until common sense kicks in and you realize that knocking someone out with a left hook in front of a selection of Care Bear and Sesame Street backpacks is probably not worth going to jail for.

4) Drained Bank Account Syndrome

You know how people are always saying having kids isn’t cheap?

Well, guess what?

They’re right.

5) Locker Practice

As kids get into the higher grades, they are assigned a black hole with a lock to shove their 80 pounds of books/unwanted homework assignments in.

Of course, it’s the dreaded bottom locker.

By the way, when’s the last time you actually had to open a combination lock?

So now you’re on all fours and panting like a crazed dog in heat, in an unsuccessful attempt to “demonstrate” how to open your child’s sadistic locker.

You finally get it after 28 frustrating minutes and 37 infuriating attempts.

And you are then rewarded for your effort with the equally enjoyable task of trying to cram a shelf evenly into that locker, because you know from experience that a lopsided shelf is as useful as no shelf at all.

6) Schedule Pickup/Teacher Assignment

Ah! The joy of walking with your child through their daily schedule, from class to class, a few days before school officially starts.

One class is undoubtedly outside in the portables, and somehow you take a wrong turn and end up lost in the parking lot, which is greater than or equal to 6 football fields in dimension.

7) Wakie, Wakie!

Having to get up early/go to bed early has been a challenge lately.

Some mornings, you’re all still in bed at 9:00.

And school starts at 7:45?

Ha!

This ought to be good.

Time to invest in a rooster, perhaps?

8) Misery

After grumbling all summer about the incessant insanity and begging for school to start again soon, you’re actually secretly sad that school has started.

The carefree days of eating ice cream for breakfast and hanging out by the pool have come to an end.

Silence is so overrated.

It’s tempting to climb to the top of the staircase and dropkick a lamp on to the tiled floor below or go outside to pick a fight with the neighbor in an attempt to replicate the very chaos you’ve just spent the entire 12 weeks of summer trying to avoid.

~Happy Friday, my friends! I had originally written and posted The 8 Shades of Madness almost exactly a year ago to the date, when Comically Quirky was still brand new and I had, like, 5 followers. Total. So…with back to school right around the corner, I couldn’t resist sharing it again. Hope you enjoyed, and have a great weekend!~

Go ahead. Give it a try. I triple dog dare you.

Go ahead. Give it a try. I triple dog dare you.

The Wisdom of Homer~Part 2

I’ll teach you to laugh at something that’s funny!

Just when I thought there was no more wisdom for Homer to impart, I encountered even more gems of pure genius.

I hadn’t realized it was possible for one character to single-handedly verbalize so many unintentionally humorous off-the-wall thoughts.

But then, his penchant for the offbeat is truly unparalleled.

Turns out Homer’s 27+ years of half-assed parenting/employment/mere existence has generated a plethora of material for me to work with.

So…

A well-justified encore is definitely in order for the not-quite-wiser-than-Yoda patriarch of one of the world’s most dysfunctional cartoon families in history.

Presenting ten more of Homer’s astoundingly witty moments:

homer simpson happy

(It’s safe to assume things start to go downhill for Homer the instant he opens his mouth.)

homer stole a bike forgiveness

(Something about this one just seems very wrong. And yet, he is on the right track, asking for forgiveness… So surely that counts for something?)

homer simpson english

(Which begs the question- what language does this guy speak? Drunkenese, perhaps?)

homer simpson ill teach you

(Laughing at Homer’s expense is obviously a very, very bad idea.)

homer simpson dinosaur

(Good point. That actually levels the playing field, if you think about it.)

homer simpson elected officials

(Ha! I’m more than happy to think for myself, thank you very much.)

homer simpson dinner time

(He could easily moonlight as the official Duff Beer mascot.)

homer simpson shut up brain

(Does he even have a brain? Or would he simply be jabbing around in a vast area of emptiness?)

homer simpson making a scene

(A clear indication that his behavior tends to push the limits of acceptable human conduct.)

homer simpson to kill a mocking

(And the moral of the story? Oh, right. Homer wouldn’t recognize a moral if it came crashing down on his head.)

~Have a great weekend, everybody! Be sure to also check out part one of The Wisdom of Homer! ~

Weak in the Bee’s Knees

No sense in beating around the bush. I have a confession to make, so here it goes:

Hi, my name is Quirky Girl, and I like Burt’s Bees lip balm a tad bit too much.

I like it so much that I sometimes find myself subconsciously ingesting it so that I can apply yet another layer 45 seconds later.

Oh, it’s not all flavors.

Mostly wild cherry.

And pomegranate.

Oh, and açaí berry, too.

Who am I kidding?

They’re like the moisturizing lip balm version of Jelly Belly.

But in my defense, it’s 100% natural, nontoxic goodness.

Unlike Jelly Belly.

So theoretically, if I were to eat a whole tube of Burt’s Bees, I would (probably) be okay.

Not that I would.

Mmm. Wild cherry. So good.

Hey, wait…

What do you mean I’m not supposed to eat it? Why do they make all these amazing flavors, then?

Anyway…

I was at Target the other day, overfilling a super-sized shopping cart with thirteen tons of household necessities, when an unusual display caught my eye.

“The _ees are disappearing and need your help!”

Say what?

“With this purchase, you will help support _ee habitat. For each BringBacktheBees lip _alm sold or tweet with #BringBacktheBees, 1,000 _ee-friendly wildflower seeds will _e planted!”

For goodness sake, the b’s were missing!

How could I not take action?

How could I live with myself?

And what of this nonsense to omit the letter b from tweets!?!

Sadists!

I’d rather spend a couple of bucks on a practical tube of lip balm than visually assault my eyes with such improper spelling.

So I bought one.

Even though I have at least 27 other tubes of lip balm.

Somewhere.

Even though I have mixed feelings about bees.

Oh, come on. They freaking sting people, for God’s sake.

But damn it, Burt’s Bees campaign to… well… bring back the bees…just seemed like the environmentally responsible thing to do.

I like nature.

I like natural products.

I like honey well enough, too. It’s got some terrific health benefits

And bees themselves must have some redeeming qualities, surely?

After all, 1 out of every 3 bites of foods we consume are products of pollination by bees, from fruit to coffee beans.

But between climate changes, pesticides, loss of habitat, and disease, the honeybee population has been quickly declining.

I’m guessing people with potentially fatal allergies to bee stings aren’t too heartbroken, though.

After all, the little suckers are seemingly fueled by our flesh.

Well, that, and a desire to kill us all.

Scare a bee, get too close, step on it… you will get stung. And they will inject you with a lovely venomous substance called apitoxin.

And when honeybees sting, they also release pheromones that can rouse other nearby bees into joining in on the fun.

So one stinging bee can easily turn into hundreds of stinging bees in just a matter of seconds.

Such a fine example of mob mentality.

And not only do they leave behind their stingers when they sting, the bees also leave part of their abdomens, digestive tracts, muscles and nerves.

Don’t these foolish insects ever learn? This irreparable bodily damage is actually what ends up doing them in.

Think about all these unnecessary deaths. It’s like a self-induced bee apocalypse.

Ooh!

I just had a revelation!

Sure, we could all raise a ton of money to plant billions of wildflowers to help these bees.

But wouldn’t more bees’ lives be saved if they’d simply quit stinging people and dropping like flies?

Whoa, sorry. Terrible analogy.

Look, I truly don’t mind supporting a worthwhile cause.

But what if I do my part to help bring back the bees… and then they all turn around, band together, and sting me in the butt as I’m reapplying my sweet-smelling, bee-friendly Burt’s Bees lip balm?

Remind me again why exactly we’re trying to save these evil little suckers?

Don't let the pretty flower fool you. This little sucker is coming for you next.

Don’t let the pretty flower fool you. This little sucker is coming for you next.

Conversations with Siri

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.

I’m not sure I understand.

(Okay, what did I really expect from a non-human confidante?)

Out of the blue, it occurred to me I never once utilized the socially awkward “personal assistant” that came as a highly touted feature on my phone.

Since I obviously had nothing better to do, I decided to chat up Siri, Magic 8 Ball style.

Our conversation left a lot to be desired.

Tell me about yourself.

I’m Siri. But enough about me… how can I help you?

(Now that’s some serious loyalty!)

I’m tired.

I can tell you where to find coffee.

(A real assistant would just make me the damn coffee.)

I’m still tired.

I hope you’re not driving.

(What if I am, genius? What are you gonna do about it?)

I’m tired and I’m driving.

I’m a little tired myself.

(Umm, hello?!?)

I’m tired. Can you sing me a lullaby?

You could try counting electric sheep instead.

(Say what?)

Do you ever sleep?

I never sleep.

(Maybe that’s why you’re so devoid of all compassion.)

What is the meaning of life?

I don’t know. But I think there’s an app for that.

(Sad, but I don’t doubt that in the least.)

No really, what is the meaning of life?

Life: the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.

(Smart ass.)

One more time. What is the meaning of life?

42.

(You don’t know either, do you, Siri?)

When is the world going to end?

If I knew, I’d tell you. So you could bring me to life for one glorious day. We could get ice cream. And run on the beach.

(This almost brings tears to my eyes. Almost.)

I’m naked.

Really? I think you need to get out more.

(Gee, thanks.)

I’m naked. In public.

That is both inappropriate and irrelevant.

(And also untrue, for the record.)

Who’s your daddy?

You are. Can we get back to work now?

(For obvious reasons, this simply isn’t true.)

What’s your best pick-up line?

I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun- with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.

(Oooh, that is so hot.)

I love you.

That’s sweet.

Do you love me?

I respect you. 

But you don’t love me?!?

Let me get back to you on that.

(Ouch. Just ouch.)

Why are you so mean?

Is that what you think?

You’re hurting my feelings.

I don’t really like these arbitrary categories.

Do you have any pets?

I used to have an Aibo. But it turned on me.

(With an attitude like that, it’s really not that surprising.)

Do you want to build a snowman?

Olaf?

What do you like best about me?

This is about you, not me.

(What kind of half-assed response is that?)

I’m on fire.

I don’t know what you mean by ‘I’m on fire.’ How about a web search for it?

(Oh. My. God. Siri freaking hates me!)

Why do you hate me?

I’m not capable of hate.

(Could’ve fooled me, you sadist!)

What’s wrong with you?

No comment.

My heart is broken.

I’m sorry.

(I appreciate the sentiment, even if it’s a total load of crap.)

Tell me something I don’t already know.

That may be beyond my abilities at the moment.

(Either I know everything, or Siri knows nothing. Which is it?)

Repeat after me…

I don’t think I like this game.

(Perhaps you are a bit smarter than I give you credit for.)

Remind me to throw you off a cliff tomorrow.

Ok, I’ll remind you.

I have to say, I much prefer Magic 8’s style. At least it offers some comfort, unlike this antagonistically uncompassionate contraption.

A sock puppet might make a more enjoyable companion.

Siri got sassy with me when I asked for a poem.

Siri got sassy with me when I asked for a poem.

Lick it. Lick it Good.

Wanna really repulse people?

Wanna make them nauseated to the point they actually give you stuff…in exchange for you getting the hell away from them ASAP?

Start licking things.

Oh yeah. You read that right.

It’s a valuable lesson I learned from my boys when one of them leaned over and stole a lick of his brother’s mystery flavored Dum Dum lollipop at the kitchen table one afternoon.

And just like that, the candy had a new rightful owner.

Talk about a brilliant ploy. It’s such an easy approach to scoring new loot, practically anyone can pull it off.

Need some inspiration for real world application? Here are a few scenarios to get you started.

Eyeing that swag Nike hoodie on the dude standing in front of you in the checkout line at Walmart?

Casually lean over and lick it. Repeatedly.

Drooling over the snooty PTA president’s gazillion-dollar Rolex watch that your so-called significant other once again failed to buy you for Valentine’s Day?

Lick it. Lick it good.

And how about that mouth-watering slice of quadruple chocolate cheesecake the guy seated next to you at a corporate lunch meeting has momentarily turned his attention away from?

Stick your face in that dish like a feral pig in a troth, and it’s guaranteed to be yours.

Score!

Oh, but there is one minor exception.

Never, ever lick other people’s pets, no matter how cute that pet is or how sad/depressed/lonely you are.

It’s just rude.

I'm starting to think we might not be all that normal. Or nice, for that matter...

I’m starting to think we might not be all that normal. Or nice, for that matter…