quirky

The Wisdom of Homer

/ Quirky Girl / 29 Comments

Finally!

A man of true character!

Alright, fine.

His character is questionable, at best.

But he’s definitely got character, for whatever that’s worth.

No, I’m not referring to the blind Greek poet Homer, who’s credited for creating brilliant works such as The  Odyssey and The Illiad.

Geez!

Lower your standards a couple thousand notches, people!

That’s right.

I’m talking about the great Homer Simpson, of course!

Presenting ten of Homer’s finest, most inspiring and motivational quotes to help start your weekend off right:

homer trying

(Well, yeah. I guess that is a valid point.)

homer stupid risks

(Indeed, Homer. Indeed.)

homer don't care

(Again, he’s got a good point.)

homer children future

(Umm… Moving on…)

homer smart

(Close enough.)

homer brain my damage

(No worries. Pretty sure the damage was already done.)

homer never try

(Okay, so I wouldn’t go quite that far..)

homer blame

(Fair enough.)

homer alcohol

(Hey, you can’t have your cake and eat it, too.)

homer education

(It’s safe to assume Homer no longer makes any such attempt.)

~Happy Friday, everyone! Hope your weekend is amazing!~

Weak in the Bee’s Knees

/ Quirky Girl / 16 Comments

No sense in beating around the bush. I have a confession to make, so here it goes:

Hi, my name is Quirky Girl, and I like Burt’s Bees lip balm a tad bit too much.

I like it so much that I sometimes find myself subconsciously ingesting it so that I can apply yet another layer 45 seconds later.

Oh, it’s not all flavors.

Mostly wild cherry.

And pomegranate.

Oh, and açaí berry, too.

Who am I kidding?

They’re like the moisturizing lip balm version of Jelly Belly.

But in my defense, it’s 100% natural, nontoxic goodness.

Unlike Jelly Belly.

So theoretically, if I were to eat a whole tube of Burt’s Bees, I would (probably) be okay.

Not that I would.

Mmm. Wild cherry. So good.

Hey, wait…

What do you mean I’m not supposed to eat it? Why do they make all these amazing flavors, then?

Anyway…

I was at Target the other day, overfilling a super-sized shopping cart with thirteen tons of household necessities, when an unusual display caught my eye.

“The _ees are disappearing and need your help!”

Say what?

“With this purchase, you will help support _ee habitat. For each BringBacktheBees lip _alm sold or tweet with #BringBacktheBees, 1,000 _ee-friendly wildflower seeds will _e planted!”

For goodness sake, the b’s were missing!

How could I not take action?

How could I live with myself?

And what of this nonsense to omit the letter b from tweets!?!

Sadists!

I’d rather spend a couple of bucks on a practical tube of lip balm than visually assault my eyes with such improper spelling.

So I bought one.

Even though I have at least 27 other tubes of lip balm.

Somewhere.

Even though I have mixed feelings about bees.

Oh, come on. They freaking sting people, for God’s sake.

But damn it, Burt’s Bees campaign to… well… bring back the bees…just seemed like the environmentally responsible thing to do.

I like nature.

I like natural products.

I like honey well enough, too. It’s got some terrific health benefits

And bees themselves must have some redeeming qualities, surely?

After all, 1 out of every 3 bites of foods we consume are products of pollination by bees, from fruit to coffee beans.

But between climate changes, pesticides, loss of habitat, and disease, the honeybee population has been quickly declining.

I’m guessing people with potentially fatal allergies to bee stings aren’t too heartbroken, though.

After all, the little suckers are seemingly fueled by our flesh.

Well, that, and a desire to kill us all.

Scare a bee, get too close, step on it… you will get stung. And they will inject you with a lovely venomous substance called apitoxin.

And when honeybees sting, they also release pheromones that can rouse other nearby bees into joining in on the fun.

So one stinging bee can easily turn into hundreds of stinging bees in just a matter of seconds.

Such a fine example of mob mentality.

And not only do they leave behind their stingers when they sting, the bees also leave part of their abdomens, digestive tracts, muscles and nerves.

Don’t these foolish insects ever learn? This irreparable bodily damage is actually what ends up doing them in.

Think about all these unnecessary deaths. It’s like a self-induced bee apocalypse.

Ooh!

I just had a revelation!

Sure, we could all raise a ton of money to plant billions of wildflowers to help these bees.

But wouldn’t more bees’ lives be saved if they’d simply quit stinging people and dropping like flies?

Whoa, sorry. Terrible analogy.

Look, I truly don’t mind supporting a worthwhile cause.

But what if I do my part to help bring back the bees… and then they all turn around, band together, and sting me in the butt as I’m reapplying my sweet-smelling, bee-friendly Burt’s Bees lip balm?

Remind me again why exactly we’re trying to save these evil little suckers?

Don't let the pretty flower fool you. This little sucker is coming for you next.

Don’t let the pretty flower fool you. This little sucker is coming for you next.

Conversations with Siri

/ Quirky Girl / 20 Comments

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.

I’m not sure I understand.

(Okay, what did I really expect from a non-human confidante?)

Out of the blue, it occurred to me I never once utilized the socially awkward “personal assistant” that came as a highly touted feature on my phone.

Since I obviously had nothing better to do, I decided to chat up Siri, Magic 8 Ball style.

Our conversation left a lot to be desired.

Tell me about yourself.

I’m Siri. But enough about me… how can I help you?

(Now that’s some serious loyalty!)

I’m tired.

I can tell you where to find coffee.

(A real assistant would just make me the damn coffee.)

I’m still tired.

I hope you’re not driving.

(What if I am, genius? What are you gonna do about it?)

I’m tired and I’m driving.

I’m a little tired myself.

(Umm, hello?!?)

I’m tired. Can you sing me a lullaby?

You could try counting electric sheep instead.

(Say what?)

Do you ever sleep?

I never sleep.

(Maybe that’s why you’re so devoid of all compassion.)

What is the meaning of life?

I don’t know. But I think there’s an app for that.

(Sad, but I don’t doubt that in the least.)

No really, what is the meaning of life?

Life: the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.

(Smart ass.)

One more time. What is the meaning of life?

42.

(You don’t know either, do you, Siri?)

When is the world going to end?

If I knew, I’d tell you. So you could bring me to life for one glorious day. We could get ice cream. And run on the beach.

(This almost brings tears to my eyes. Almost.)

I’m naked.

Really? I think you need to get out more.

(Gee, thanks.)

I’m naked. In public.

That is both inappropriate and irrelevant.

(And also untrue, for the record.)

Who’s your daddy?

You are. Can we get back to work now?

(For obvious reasons, this simply isn’t true.)

What’s your best pick-up line?

I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun- with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.

(Oooh, that is so hot.)

I love you.

That’s sweet.

Do you love me?

I respect you. 

But you don’t love me?!?

Let me get back to you on that.

(Ouch. Just ouch.)

Why are you so mean?

Is that what you think?

You’re hurting my feelings.

I don’t really like these arbitrary categories.

Do you have any pets?

I used to have an Aibo. But it turned on me.

(With an attitude like that, it’s really not that surprising.)

Do you want to build a snowman?

Olaf?

What do you like best about me?

This is about you, not me.

(What kind of half-assed response is that?)

I’m on fire.

I don’t know what you mean by ‘I’m on fire.’ How about a web search for it?

(Oh. My. God. Siri freaking hates me!)

Why do you hate me?

I’m not capable of hate.

(Could’ve fooled me, you sadist!)

What’s wrong with you?

No comment.

My heart is broken.

I’m sorry.

(I appreciate the sentiment, even if it’s a total load of crap.)

Tell me something I don’t already know.

That may be beyond my abilities at the moment.

(Either I know everything, or Siri knows nothing. Which is it?)

Repeat after me…

I don’t think I like this game.

(Perhaps you are a bit smarter than I give you credit for.)

Remind me to throw you off a cliff tomorrow.

Ok, I’ll remind you.

I have to say, I much prefer Magic 8’s style. At least it offers some comfort, unlike this antagonistically uncompassionate contraption.

A sock puppet might make a more enjoyable companion.

Siri got sassy with me when I asked for a poem.

Siri got sassy with me when I asked for a poem.

Lick it. Lick it Good.

/ Quirky Girl / 25 Comments

Wanna really repulse people?

Wanna make them nauseated to the point they actually give you stuff…in exchange for you getting the hell away from them ASAP?

Start licking things.

Oh yeah. You read that right.

It’s a valuable lesson I learned from my boys when one of them leaned over and stole a lick of his brother’s mystery flavored Dum Dum lollipop at the kitchen table one afternoon.

And just like that, the candy had a new rightful owner.

Talk about a brilliant ploy. It’s such an easy approach to scoring new loot, practically anyone can pull it off.

Need some inspiration for real world application? Here are a few scenarios to get you started.

Eyeing that swag Nike hoodie on the dude standing in front of you in the checkout line at Walmart?

Casually lean over and lick it. Repeatedly.

Drooling over the snooty PTA president’s gazillion-dollar Rolex watch that your so-called significant other once again failed to buy you for Valentine’s Day?

Lick it. Lick it good.

And how about that mouth-watering slice of quadruple chocolate cheesecake the guy seated next to you at a corporate lunch meeting has momentarily turned his attention away from?

Stick your face in that dish like a feral pig in a troth, and it’s guaranteed to be yours.

Score!

Oh, but there is one minor exception.

Never, ever lick other people’s pets, no matter how cute that pet is or how sad/depressed/lonely you are.

It’s just rude.

I'm starting to think we might not be all that normal. Or nice, for that matter...

I’m starting to think we might not be all that normal. Or nice, for that matter…

It’s Raining Projectiles!

/ Quirky Girl / 11 Comments

Recent studies show that a whopping 99.9%* of the entire human population enjoy throwing things.

And really, it’s not all that surprising. Hurling projectiles has been scientifically proven** to provide instant stress relief.

I’m not talking about mundane objects that were actually intended to be thrown, like baseballs and footballs.

Let’s just say human beings are highly resourceful and creative creatures.

When it comes to throwing things, everyone has a preference as to what exactly it is they get a kick out of throwing.

Here’s your chance to really show your creative side!

 

I’m sure a few of you out there (the other 0.1% of the population)  have other outlets for stress and tension that don’t involve flying projectiles.

I’m both curious and envious, so once again, let your creativity shine!

 

Yesterday, I accidentally dropped a can of olives. It soared menacingly across the kitchen until it crash-landed onto the floor and olives started rolling everywhere like slimy little marbles.

Clever girl that I am, I pretended it was an act of aggression rather than the result of utter clumsiness.

It was surprisingly satisfying.

Now it’s your turn.

Go ahead. Throw something.  Let it all out.

Feeling that inner peace now?

Yeah, I thought so.

Apples are incredibly versatile and helpful in maintaining good (mental) health.

Apples are incredibly versatile and helpful in maintaining good (mental) health.

Disclosures:

*This number is the result of a very complex, top-secret mathematical formula concocted by none other than Quirky Girl herself. 

**This statement may or may not be true. 

The King of One-Liners

/ Quirky Girl / 15 Comments

I like to laugh.

I’m guessing you do, too.

So let’s talk about Henry.

The great Henry Youngman, that is.

The man sure knew a thing or two about comedy.

Without further ado, presenting  five of his epically awesome one-liners:

youngman- drinking and reading

(Smart man. His style was nothing short of admirable.)

youngman- grandma drinks

(Spunky lady! An inspiration to us all.)

youngman- wrong house

(I know it’s wrong. But dammit, it’s hilarious!)

youngman- dressed to kill

(Ok, so cooking isn’t exactly my strong point either.)

youngman- skydiving

(They don’t call it a once in a lifetime experience for nothing, right?)

Which one made you laugh the hardest?

Happy Thursday!

A Little More Motivation

/ Quirky Girl / 10 Comments

Keeping the motivation coming, while keeping the standards low.

That really ought to be my new slogan.

Anyway, without further ado…

The latest shameless bribery motivational note my boys had the joy of discovering in their lunch boxes.

lunch note2c

What child can resist such blatant bribery?

Feelin’ the Burn

/ Quirky Girl / 20 Comments

What do carrying a small child, driving a tractor, and riding a snow blower have in common?

They each burn approximately 136 calories in just one hour!

Gotta love the internet.  There’s an infinite world of information at your fingertips, just a few clicks away.

You can Google any bizarre concept imaginable, self-diagnose yourself on WebMD, and find humor in some of the least expected places.

Case in point: the calorie burning activity chart I stumbled upon while searching for something completely unrelated.

Along with the typical routine activities, let’s just say there are some truly unconventional ways to burn a calorie or two.

For a 150 pound person, here’s what an hour of select activities will do for you:

Building a road and sheering a sheep will each knock off roughly 340 whopping calories.

Hoeing (presumably in regards to forestry, not the other, less glamorous type) can cut 272 calories, as does hacking things apart with an ax.

Simultaneously pushing a wheelchair while walking eradicates 204 calories, the same amount of calories as a police officer making an arrest and a farmer chasing cattle on horse.

Sugar bushing must be a fairly intense activity, because it obliterates 272 calories.

Building a fire burns (haha, burns!) 102 calories. Feeding animals will also burn as many calories. (I wonder if feeding squirmy children falls in this category, too.)

Butchering animals can eliminate 340 calories. (First of all, YUCK! Secondly, I can’t even begin to imagine how this one fell under the Household Activities category rather than the Occupational Activities category.)

I am admittedly perplexed by some of these so-called everyday activities.

But what the hell. I’m feeling creative. So let’s take this one step further, for the fun of it.

After all, it seems one person’s idea of what constitutes typical varies greatly.

How many calories do you suppose a person can burn with these exciting pursuits?

EVERYDAY ACTIVITIES

  • Mustering the energy to get out of bed in the morning
  • Extreme channeling surfing
  • Crying after yet another lottery loss
  • Walking ten feet to the mailbox after a few drinks
  • Running to deactivate the smoke alarm after burning dinner
  • Engaging in an episode of road rage with the guy who turns out to be your new boss
  • Shaking the crap out of the Magic 8 Ball after realizing it’s been wrong a lot lately

PARENTING

  • Climbing up tree to rescue the sadistic cat you were hoping finally ran away
  • Tripping over child’s skateboard and crashing headfirst into a wall
  • Breaking up brawls between siblings
  • Hyperventilating/anxiety attack
  • Nerf battles (with you as the target)
  • Yelling/screaming
  • Jumping out window from second floor
  • Chain pill popping resulting from self-medicating

FUN WITH NATURE

  • Cow tipping
  • Giraffe feeding
  • Hippo bathing
  • Getting mauled by a bear
  • Mutton busting
  • Outrunning a cyclone

OTHER TOTALLY BRIGHT IDEAS

  • Jail breaking
  • Bank robbing
  • Vandalizing small buildings
  • Tightrope walking
  • Bench-pressing pair of Great Danes
  • Cracking a rib while popping a Wheelie to show off for an unimpressed child

So, which of these do you think will burn the most calories?

Personally, my money is on outrunning a cyclone. But getting out of bed in the morning is definitely a close second.

On a positive note…

Whether you’re looking to fulfill a New Year’s resolution, or simply in the market for a new hobby, there are clearly a wide variety of activities out there to suit anyone.

Mutton busting,  here I come!

Mutton busting sounds like fun! Okay, maybe this isn't the best example...

Mutton busting sounds like fun! Okay, maybe this isn’t the best example…

A No Man’s Land Anniversary

/ Quirky Girl / 11 Comments

In honor of my one and a half year anniversary of living in No Man’s Land, here’s a brief update on my progression of half-assed assimilation:

  • I still don’t eat meat. I’ve been a vegetarian for far too long, and having real live cows, horses, and donkeys as neighbors has only reinforced my beliefs a hundred times over.
  • I still don’t care for the horribly maintained country roads. It may well be a smoother ride meandering through town on a three-legged donkey than chancing some of the brain-rattling roads out here.
  • I still don’t like country music. I prefer to surround myself with things that actually make me happy. Depressing music that could easily coerce me into a dark corner to slit my wrists with a corkscrew on a cold and cloudy day? Ha! Like I don’t already have enough problems.
  • I still don’t like the eerie sound of tornado sirens. Or actual tornadoes. They’re a rather terrifying phenomenon that I can live without.
  • I still can’t believe the official state animal is not a skunk. I mean, seriously. Even a million tons of the state flower (whatever the heck that even  is) wouldn’t be enough to mask the breathtaking aroma of one of those suckers.

Okay, so none of this technically qualifies as progress, per se.

Wait a second!

There is a silver lining!

I recently surprised even myself by correctly identifying a lone donkey among a herd of cows.

This is huge. Just ask my realtor.

When my husband and I first came out house-hunting, I had mistaken a donkey for a horse in a nearby field.

To which my realtor responded, “Well, bless your heart!”

Which reminds me- I still don’t care for that phrase.

Don’t think for a moment I don’t “get” that sarcastic and condescending undertone just because I’m a New Yorker/Washingtonian/Arizonan.

Now if all y’all will excuse me, I reckon I need to find me one of them there donkeys and go down yonder.

(Hey, you have to at least give a girl credit for trying!)

Pretty sure this is a donkey...

Pretty sure this is a donkey…

Divine Intervention from the Underworld

/ Quirky Girl / 16 Comments

Demolishing people with your vehicle is almost never a good idea.

But it could always be worse.

Or at least more ironic, at any rate.

After all, it’s not every day you see someone so forthcoming about their faith unwittingly endangering the lives of others.

I recently had the luxury of witnessing firsthand such a paradoxical event.

A car valiantly emblazoned with the virtues of Jesus narrowly missed plowing down a pedestrian while backing out of its parking space.

JESUS SAVES!

Or so the decal passionately proclaimed.

While drawing isn’t one of my numerous talents, I was inspired to recreate the scene of audacious irony for your entertainment utilizing the new photo editing software I received for Christmas.

On a side note, I highly doubt this is what my husband had in mind when he bought me that software, but hey, I’m putting it to good use!

Hmmm…

I feel like I’m forgetting some important detail here.

Oh, right.

The vigilant pedestrian ran like hell out of harm’s way in a timely enough manner, in case you were wondering.

Anyway…

Stay safe, and watch out for the Devil in Disguise. (Sorry, Elvis.)

But seriously, watch your back.

Better keep running, buddy.

Better keep running, buddy.