The Badness of Bart

Don’t have a cow, man!

El Barto.

Bartman.

Bart Simpson.

Homer and Marge’s impressively underachieving firstborn.

Mischievous and rebellious, this kid is definitely not a role-model child by any stretch of the imagination.

But he is one of America’s favorite juvenile delinquents.

Presenting ten inspiring quotes from the infamous Bart:

bart simpson try to try

(That’s a start, I suppose.)

bart simpson can't prove anythi

(Little wonder this kid spends his days in detention.)

bart simpson crazy people

(Poor Bartman. That’s actually kind of sad. )

bart simpson good or bad

(Right. You just keep telling yourself that.)

bart simpson damned if you do

(Truer words have never been spoken. Especially not by a 10 year-old with a penchant for bad behavior.)

bart simpson liar

(Blatant honesty is always so refreshing.)

bart simpson true meaning of ch

(Once again, Bart is slightly misguided as the result of poor parenting. On a side note: leave it to Ho-Ho-Homer to spread cheer through strangulation.)

bart simpson sucks and blows

(No point in sugar-coating the truth, is there?)

bart simpson never give up

(Well, he started off on the right track with this one…)

bart simpson stare at the sun

(Sounds like the kind of advice you’d expect from Homer. Proof that the apple doesn’t fall far.)

Bart may not be an overachiever like his sister Lisa, but he sure has perfected the art of trouble-making.

And he’s a master prankster.

Well, what do you really expect from a character whose name is the anagram for the word “brat”?

Ay caramba!

~Happy Friday! Hope you all have a great weekend!~

(The Badness of Bart originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 7/15/16)

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The Logic of Lisa

She isn’t cool like Bart, adorable like Maggie, or tolerant like Marge.

Or half-baked like Homer.

She may not be the most charismatic.

Or even overly likable, for that matter.

But you’ve got to admit, she has more brain cells than Bart, Maggie, Marge, and Homer.

Collectively.

Lisa Simpson.

The vegetarian, overachieving, saxophone-playing middle child.

And boy, does she have sarcasm down to an art.

She’s a total smart-ass.

Deadpanning is as much her strength as her intelligence.

Presenting ten of Lisa’s finest moments of sassy and witty wisdom:

lisa simpson not a frown

(I do believe this is the politically correct term for Not Happy.)

(lisa simpson romance dead

(Hence the term Hallmark Holiday. No moolah equals no love, don’t ya know?)

lisa simpson popular girl

(I know, I know. Life is sooo unfair.)

lisa simpson words of encourage

( Homer and Marge have been trying for years to be slightly-better-than-totally-horrible parents. Evidently, their efforts are paying off.)

lisa simpson goody two shoes

(Proof that even those Goody Two Shoes have skeletons in their closets.)

lisa simpson envy and help

(If this isn’t the World’s Most Perfect Family, I’m at a total loss.)

lisa simpson psychiatrist

(Surely just a minor drawback of being part of a dysfunctional family.)

lisa simpson pain and drudgery

(Depressing, yes. But also poignantly true.)

lisa simpson book n beers

(She’s obviously referencing Homer, not me. Hey, I don’t even like beer!)

lisa simpson silent fool

(My personal favorite. Attributed to both Abraham Lincoln and Mark Twain, I’m inclined to give Lisa full credit on this one.)

Lisa may not be as well-loved as some of the other Simpsons, but she does have redeeming qualities.

She’s passionate, she cares about the environment, and she actually has morals.

She rebels against societal norms, for goodness sake.

What’s not to love about that?

Yeah, I can definitely relate to Lisa Simpson.

After all, I am a fellow smart-ass and vegetarian, myself.

And…

I, too, have a few more brain cells than the average cartoon character.

~Happy Friday, everyone! Can you believe it’s almost December already? Holy Moly, where did the year go?~

(The Logic of Lisa originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 5/19/16)

The Modesty of Marge

She’s not particularly exciting.

What does she do all day, anyway?

I mean,  besides vacuum and drive her kids around?

Oh. My. God.

I think I  just described myself.

The horror!

Okay, okay.

Enough of that pity party.

Presenting ten of Marge Simpson’s most profound, yet undoubtedly humorous quotes:

marge simpson aim low

(Brilliant! Set that bar low enough, and you’ll never be disappointed again!)

marge simpson too tense2

(She definitely can’t be accused of sugar-coating the truth with that attitude.)

marge simpson listen to your heart

(So that’s how it works? I would’ve sworn it was the other way around.)

marge simpson never raise a hand

(A rather classy way to get the message across, sans violence.)

marge simpson springfield

(Proof that it’s easy to become too complacent, even in mediocrity.)

marge simpson brain food

(Intelligence aside, their very presence in your can of tuna means more bang for your buck!)

marge simpson so funny

(Consider yourself lucky. Some people don’t even have a sense of humor.)

marge simpson fetish

(Hey, give her a break! She’s been wearing the same set of clothes since 1989.)

marge simpson doing something right

(The ultimate gauge for accessing a job well done.)

marge simpson vacation

(Who needs Hawaii when you can have your very own jail cell?)

Apparently, I’ve got more in common with Marge Simpson than I realized.

Well, except I don’ t have a blue beehive.

Or three messed-up kids.

Or a husband with only two brain cells.

Poor Marge.

She’s patient, compassionate, and forgiving.

But the moralistic matriarch really didn’t hit the jackpot with that family, did she?

~Happy Friday, everyone! Hope you’ve had a terrific week!~

(The Modesty of Marge originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 6/9/16)

The Wisdom of Homer~Part 2

I’ll teach you to laugh at something that’s funny!

Just when you probably though there was no more wisdom for Homer to impart, I discovered even more gems of pure genius.

Woo hoo!

Turns out Homer’s three decades (!) of half-assed parenting/employment/mere existence has generated a plethora of material to work with.

So…

A well-justified encore is definitely in order for the not-quite-wiser-than-Yoda patriarch of one of the world’s most dysfunctional cartoon families in history.

Presenting ten more of Homer’s astoundingly witty moments:

homer simpson happy

(It’s safe to assume things start to go downhill for Homer the instant he opens his mouth.)

homer stole a bike forgiveness

(Something about this one just seems very wrong. And yet, he is on the right track, asking for forgiveness… So surely that counts for something?)

homer simpson english

(Which begs the question- what language does this guy speak? Drunkenese, perhaps?)

homer simpson ill teach you

(Laughing at Homer’s expense is obviously a very, very bad idea.)

homer simpson dinosaur

(Good point. That actually levels the playing field, if you think about it.)

homer simpson elected officials

(Ha! I’m more than happy to think for myself, thank you very much.)

homer simpson dinner time

(He could easily moonlight as the official Duff Beer mascot.)

homer simpson shut up brain

(Does he even have a brain? Or would he simply be jabbing around in a vast area of emptiness?)

homer simpson making a scene

(A clear indication that his behavior tends to push the limits of acceptable human conduct.)

homer simpson to kill a mocking

(And the moral of the story? Oh, right. Homer wouldn’t recognize a moral if it came crashing down on his head.)

~Have a great weekend, everybody! If you haven’t already, be sure to check out part one of The Wisdom of Homer! ~

(The Wisdom of Homer~Part 2 originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 8/12/16)

The Wisdom of Homer

Finally!

A man of true character!

Alright.

Fine.

His character is questionable, at best.

But he’s definitely got character.

For whatever that’s worth.

No, I’m not referring to the blind Greek poet Homer, who’s credited for creating brilliant works such as The  Odyssey and The Illiad.

Geez!

Lower your standards a couple thousand notches, people!

That’s right.

I’m talking about the great Homer Simpson, of course!

Presenting ten of Homer’s finest, most inspiring motivational quotes to help start your weekend off right:

homer trying

(Well, yeah. I guess that is a valid point.)

homer stupid risks

(Indeed, Homer. Indeed.)

homer don't care

(Again, he’s got a good point.)

homer children future

(Umm… Moving on…)

homer smart

(Close enough.)

homer brain my damage

(No worries. Pretty sure the damage was already done.)

homer never try

(Okay, so I wouldn’t go quite that far..)

homer blame

(Fair enough.)

homer alcohol

(Hey, you can’t have your cake and eat it, too.)

homer education

(It’s safe to assume Homer no longer makes any further attempts at this unnecessary learning nonsense.)

~Happy Friday, everyone! Hope your weekend is amazing!~

(The Wisdom of Homer originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 4/15/16)

Artless, Clay-Brained Barnacles

Folly, fool-born fustilarian!

Yeasty, ill-bred horn-beast!

Puny, milk-livered lout!

Who on earth might make such puzzling and disparaging remarks?

Why, William Shakespeare, of course!

The man was a master of snarky insults.

It’s probably safe to say he wasn’t much of a people person.

You know, what with all the harsh sentiments and all.

One thing’s for certain:

Nobody could’ve ever accused him of mincing words.

Not with that aptitude for verbally destroying anyone with the audacity to be anywhere in his vicinity.

Now that is talent!

And what better way to mark my 200th post than with insults, threats, and snarky remarks galore!

(Whew! Is it hot in here, or is it just me?)

(Everyone knows that elbows are best used for bending. And elbowing others. Which can be lethal, if done properly. Which I suspect the sharp-tongued Shakespeare must’ve been well aware of.)

(Not sure what a knotty-pated fool is, but it doesn’t sound very flattering. And yet, it sounds almost like a sweet compliment compared to the subsequent line. Yikes!)

(Now this is a dubious claim. If he wanted to beat somebody badly enough, age wouldn’t likely have been the biggest factor, given the intensity behind his words. Just sayin’…)

(I don’t know what it is, but some people just seem to have that effect on others.)

(Ass-whoopings and contempt for lack of intelligence seem to be a common theme here. Shakespeare probably could’ve benefited from a punching bag to release his multitude of frustrations.)

(Aw, come on. Surely everyone has at least one redeemable quality. Unless they’d landed themselves on Shakespeare’s shit list, that is.)

(Ha! It’s lights out for you, Scallywag!)

(Commendable use of heaven and hell, all in one hellishly fine simile!)

(I’ve never seen a stewed prune, so it’s hard to say how much faith I’d be comfortable placing in it. But I suppose the prune could theoretically warrant more faith than the average sheep-biting harpy. Whatever the heck that is.)

(If eyes are the windows to one’s soul, then it’d be wise to protect both eyes and soul from infectious stupidity.)

(It’s been said familiarity breeds contempt…)

(Oh, crap! It’s too late!!!)

While these were all so…delightful, I’d never personally say anything like this to another human being.

Not only because of the somewhat obsolete terminology…

But because, well, it’s kind of rude.

But still humorous, nonetheless.

~Happy Saturday, friends! Feeling inspired by Shakespeare? Great! Just don’t use that inspiration to turn all your friends into enemies. Yeesh!~

The Force of May Fourth

Happy May 4th!

It’s also Cinco de Mayo Eve…

If such a thing actually exists.

Would that make today Cuatro de Mayo?

Is that a thing?

Well, it is now.

At any rate, Star Wars fans…

Today is your day!

Presenting some of the funniest Star Wars quotes of all time!

(C-3PO has such a classy and charismatic way with words, I can’t help but respect his penchant for comic relief.)

(It’s true; Yoda looks better than most people 1/10th of his age!)

(Would the iconic Nike slogan have the same impact if it boasted, “Just try it”? Case in point.)

(Even I’m disturbed by the myriad of things that Darth Vader finds disturbing. He’s got the proverbial stick up his butt. I mean, would it really kill him to smile occasionally?)

(A fool is a fool is a fool… but my guess it’s more foolish to follow a fool.)

(If only more people would heed this wisdom and think before opening their massive pie-holes, the world would be a better place.)

(Does this apply strictly to droids, or can this approach be used with humans also? Just curious…)

(Size matters not, as Yoda once said. I’m inclined to agree.)

(Naturally, the best remedy for this is to find some type of distraction to drown out the screams of your inner voice of reason and just go with the flow.)

(Ha! Yoda obviously hadn’t met my boys, with their twisted and sadistic senses of humor.)

(A fresh new threat to employ when the kids get too rowdy in the car!)

(Burn! Hmm. Perhaps “burn” isn’t the right word, seeing as how a planet far from the sun probably wouldn’t be hot enough to burn, in any sense of the word. But yelling “freeze!” simply doesn’t have the same impact.)

(I may occasionally misplace my keys, but I can proudly say I’ve never once misplaced a planet.)

(Rogue One, we have a problem! Sure, having no horizon on the horizon is indeed problematic. But killing off the delightfully witty K-2SO? Oh, that was low.)

(I, too, have my moments. I’m not sure what that says about my other non-momentous moments, though..)

Nearly half of these clever gems are from Yoda.

I guess it’s no surprise.

He’s wise and witty.

He and I seem to have quite a bit in common.

Except that I’m not green.

Or half as wise.

Or 900 years old.

Regardless of the fact that my kids might try to tell you otherwise.

~Happy Friday, friends! May the fourth, er, force be with you!~

The Big 1-0-0!

Woo hoo!

Today was the last day of school!

And, coincidentally…

Today also marks my 100th blog post!

I realize that I’ve been blogging for nearly two years, and some people churn out 100 posts in a single month…

But unless you want to read about my daily adventures of unclogging the toilet during mealtimes or dodging armadillos near fields of cows, one post a week from me is in the best interest of us all.

Seriously.

Anyway, what better way to celebrate this milestone than by honoring a remarkable lady with a tremendous talent for witty humor?

A woman whose views on domestic pursuits meshed beautifully with my underwhelming domestic ineptitude.

Her wisdom was unparalleled, and her ability to find humor in the most ordinary and extraordinary circumstances makes her a true gem.

Ladies and Gentleman, presenting some of my all-time favorite quotes from none other than the incredibly hilarious Erma Bombeck!

(That’s right- an animal doctor for kids who behave like wild animals. Or better yet, deduct the cost of that toy from their allowance and wait for it to pass through their digestive tract.)

(The moral of the story? If tomorrow comes, great. But if it doesn’t, you’ll regret leaving this world without having one final slice of quadruple chocolate cake.)

(Much like Lewis and Clark were famous explorers of land, some of us enjoy exploring the depths of our refrigerators.)

(It’s a futile attempt in productivity and there’s nothing to show for it. The more you clean, the bigger the mess becomes.)

(While humor itself is funny, the circumstances that it stems from aren’t necessarily all that humorous at all.)

(Seriously, the stress from excessive happiness is downright overwhelming!)

(I wholeheartedly agree with this handy guideline. It really puts things in perspective.)

(If I were to take myself seriously, I’d probably become seriously depressed.)

(I love this motto. Besides, “self-cleaning” ovens are anything but self-cleaning. Why is that?)

(And that’s the truth!)

(It’s like running on a hamster wheel. You’re actively doing something, but you’re not getting very far.)

(Tell me about it. There’s more food on the floor than in anybody’s mouth, and whatever isn’t on the floor is going to waste because no two people in this house like the same foods.)

(But I didn’t do it! I swear, it was him! Really!)

(Hell yeah! Besides, prolonged streaks of cleaning leaves me feeling like a sweaty hog, and there’s definitely nothing godly about that.)

(Okay, so I wouldn’t go quite that far. But there’d be consequences, for sure. Like screaming until I pass out, for instance.)

(Don’t get me wrong. I like things neat and tidy. But mostly, I just don’t care enough about domestic pursuits to worry myself over something so trivial.)

(Laughter is always the right medicine. It’s been scientifically proven!)

(I knew it! There’s a reason cookbooks and I don’t get along…)

(When I can’t figure out if an article of clothing at the store is meant to be a shirt or a dress, I don’t dare try it on for fear of unintentionally injuring myself.)

(Always full of surprises. That’s the beauty of humor.)

(Hey, wait a minute! I’m a vegetarian, but I’m more lion than hippo! Clearly, those hippos must be supplementing their diet with red-meat-eating lions.)

(Using mad ninja skills to bust down the door has some pretty cool dramatic impact, too.)

(Now that is a memorable and highly effective way to get a point across. In your face, doubters!)

(They may not lack self-esteem, but they are kind of lazy. Shouldn’t they be a bit more self-conscious about that?)

( I can’t speak for anyone else, but I can tell you this: eating takes precedence of 99.9% of everything else in life, especially if you don’t want to see me become crazy hangry.)

(I find myself on that very same figurative treadmill, going nowhere while getting very little accomplished.)

(I mean, yeah, I do find myself swatting flies some days. But I also manage to do this while carrying a load of laundry and balancing a pile of dirty dishes, so I earn all my meals, thank you very much.)

(Humor plays an understated, yet vital, role in civilization that cannot be underestimated.)

(Yes, but it’s a vicious cycle. It’s challenging to try to hug a child when they’re shooting Nerf darts at you.)

(It’s crazy how true this is. One minute, we’re eagerly awaiting a child’s first words. The next minute, we’re telling them to shut up.)

(Especially if it’s being passed off as “lemonade”.)

(Can’t go wrong with this philosophy. Although, in my case, it usually seems to be the other way around…)

(I be a goodly fine example of this here quote. Clean no more!)

(I wonder if this is also true for ulcers?)

(I wouldn’t know. Some days, I have my doubts about making it out of motherhood alive. But it’s good to know there’s a reward for those who do manage to survive.)

(Or a tornado. Or a tsunami. Or a typhoon…)

(All I know is, that first one is never mine. Then again, neither are any of the subsequent 78 pieces of luggage…)

(While not exactly funny, this one is 110% true.)

(I’m also an expert worrier. Yes, I’m good at it, but it brings me no joy. Perhaps I should find some new, more productive hobbies.)

(Which might explain the clouds of smoke coming out of my ears. System overload!  Reboot! Reboot!)

(This is actually the title of one of Erma Bombeck’s books, but I frequently find myself wondering the exact same thing.)

(Time sure does fly. Fortunately, almost any note can be salvaged using this clever approach.)

(This is much harder than you’d probably expect. I mix up my boys’ names on a daily basis, and there’s just two of them. I can only imagine the struggle for parents with twice as many kids.)

(We all fail, from time to time. And to be successful, one must learn from their failures. So learn from your mistakes, then get out there and do something amazing!)

(The way I look at it, my kids didn’t come with warning labels at birth. I think any future spouses of theirs ought to find out what I figured out for myself. From experience. Good luck with that!)

(The fact that I’m still alive means I must be doing something right…but evidently, that something isn’t housework.)

(Sounds good to me! I laugh a lot. Mostly at myself, but I’m pretty sure it still counts.)

(That’s really not so bad, is it? I mean, I’d personally rather be a majestic tree than a cow.)

(How I love this one! It makes me laugh every single time.)

Erma Bombeck.

Proof that humor transcends time and change.

~Happy Friday, my friends! I hope you’ve  enjoyed reading these quotes as much as I enjoyed sharing them with you. Have a fabulous weekend, and remember to always, always look for the humor in life.~

Sensationally Sarcastic

Did you just fall?

Pftt. Noooo! I attacked the floor.

Backwards?

What can I say? I’m talented like that.

Good ol’ sarcasm.

It’s an age-old art that’s near and dear to my heart.

Unfortunately, sarcasm is lost on some clueless people.

Bless their hearts.

Ha!

But seriously, sarcasm does have its virtues.

For instance, sarcastic people tend to be quite intelligent.

And they are skilled at abstract thinking.

And, of course, don’t forget the astoundingly high level of creativity that goes along with it.

Besides, being normal is just plain scary.

(Shudder!)

So let’s take a moment to celebrate this sadly misaligned quality, shall we?

(Words are so awesome! Who would’ve guessed that a simple combination of words paired with a witty undertone could be so satisfying?)

(Actually, I just so happen to be a sarcastically-fluent smartass.)

(Sadly, it doesn’t cover medically necessary shots of hard alcohol, either.)

(Sometimes I find myself taking a moment to reflect on the words that may or may not have just come out of my own mouth.)

(While I wouldn’t recommend actually doing this, don’t ever underestimate the power of the element of surprise.)

(Amen to that!)

(It’s a fine line, but I think it’s safe to say I haven’t personally crossed that threshold. Yet.)

(Not speaking from experience or anything, but I’d imagine there’s some truth to this.)

(This could cleverly be passed off as clumsiness, especially during a pretend fit of sneezes.)

(Yeah, so this is probably a wee bit messed up. But it is a fairly accurate assessment.)

(Quite possibly the most beautifully poetic backhanded compliment I’ve ever heard.)

(Exactly! Some people just express affection a bit differently, that’s all!)

(I realize this is a distinct possibility, but the gratification outweighs all else. It’s a chance I’m willing to take.)

(In that case, I’ll just stick with my new favorite catchphrase: “Go to Michigan!” On that note, there’s a special club especially for those of us who love sarcasm…)

(Hmmm. Oh well, it was worth a try, right?)

Gotta love humor with attitude.

After all, common sense is a flower that doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden.

It’s like that expression:

Silence is golden.

Duct tape is silver.

Now, if only more people were fluent in silence…

~Happy Friday,  friends! Hope you have a wonderful weekend!~

The Wisdom of Homer~Part 2

I’ll teach you to laugh at something that’s funny!

Just when I thought there was no more wisdom for Homer to impart, I encountered even more gems of pure genius.

I hadn’t realized it was possible for one character to single-handedly verbalize so many unintentionally humorous off-the-wall thoughts.

But then, his penchant for the offbeat is truly unparalleled.

Turns out Homer’s 27+ years of half-assed parenting/employment/mere existence has generated a plethora of material for me to work with.

So…

A well-justified encore is definitely in order for the not-quite-wiser-than-Yoda patriarch of one of the world’s most dysfunctional cartoon families in history.

Presenting ten more of Homer’s astoundingly witty moments:

homer simpson happy

(It’s safe to assume things start to go downhill for Homer the instant he opens his mouth.)

homer stole a bike forgiveness

(Something about this one just seems very wrong. And yet, he is on the right track, asking for forgiveness… So surely that counts for something?)

homer simpson english

(Which begs the question- what language does this guy speak? Drunkenese, perhaps?)

homer simpson ill teach you

(Laughing at Homer’s expense is obviously a very, very bad idea.)

homer simpson dinosaur

(Good point. That actually levels the playing field, if you think about it.)

homer simpson elected officials

(Ha! I’m more than happy to think for myself, thank you very much.)

homer simpson dinner time

(He could easily moonlight as the official Duff Beer mascot.)

homer simpson shut up brain

(Does he even have a brain? Or would he simply be jabbing around in a vast area of emptiness?)

homer simpson making a scene

(A clear indication that his behavior tends to push the limits of acceptable human conduct.)

homer simpson to kill a mocking

(And the moral of the story? Oh, right. Homer wouldn’t recognize a moral if it came crashing down on his head.)

~Have a great weekend, everybody! Be sure to also check out part one of The Wisdom of Homer! ~