Today was the last day of school!
Today also marks my 100th blog post!
I realize that I’ve been blogging for nearly two years, and some people churn out 100 posts in a single month…
But unless you want to read about my daily adventures of unclogging the toilet during mealtimes or dodging armadillos near fields of cows, one post a week from me is in the best interest of us all.
Anyway, what better way to celebrate this milestone than by honoring a remarkable lady with a tremendous talent for witty humor?
A woman whose views on domestic pursuits meshed beautifully with my underwhelming domestic ineptitude.
Her wisdom was unparalleled, and her ability to find humor in the most ordinary and extraordinary circumstances makes her a true gem.
Ladies and Gentleman, presenting some of my all-time favorite quotes from none other than the incredibly hilarious Erma Bombeck!
(That’s right- an animal doctor for kids who behave like wild animals. Or better yet, deduct the cost of that toy from their allowance and wait for it to pass through their digestive tract.)
(The moral of the story? If tomorrow comes, great. But if it doesn’t, you’ll regret leaving this world without having one final slice of quadruple chocolate cake.)
(Much like Lewis and Clark were famous explorers of land, some of us enjoy exploring the depths of our refrigerators.)
(It’s a futile attempt in productivity and there’s nothing to show for it. The more you clean, the bigger the mess becomes.)
(While humor itself is funny, the circumstances that it stems from aren’t necessarily all that humorous at all.)
(Seriously, the stress from excessive happiness is downright overwhelming!)
(I wholeheartedly agree with this handy guideline. It really puts things in perspective.)
(If I were to take myself seriously, I’d probably become seriously depressed.)
(I love this motto. Besides, “self-cleaning” ovens are anything but self-cleaning. Why is that?)
(And that’s the truth!)
(It’s like running on a hamster wheel. You’re actively doing something, but you’re not getting very far.)
(Tell me about it. There’s more food on the floor than in anybody’s mouth, and whatever isn’t on the floor is going to waste because no two people in this house like the same foods.)
(But I didn’t do it! I swear, it was him! Really!)
(Hell yeah! Besides, prolonged streaks of cleaning leaves me feeling like a sweaty hog, and there’s definitely nothing godly about that.)
(Okay, so I wouldn’t go quite that far. But there’d be consequences, for sure. Like screaming until I pass out, for instance.)
(Don’t get me wrong. I like things neat and tidy. But mostly, I just don’t care enough about domestic pursuits to worry myself over something so trivial.)
(Laughter is always the right medicine. It’s been scientifically proven!)
(I knew it! There’s a reason cookbooks and I don’t get along…)
(When I can’t figure out if an article of clothing at the store is meant to be a shirt or a dress, I don’t dare try it on for fear of unintentionally injuring myself.)
(Always full of surprises. That’s the beauty of humor.)
(Hey, wait a minute! I’m a vegetarian, but I’m more lion than hippo! Clearly, those hippos must be supplementing their diet with red-meat-eating lions.)
(Using mad ninja skills to bust down the door has some pretty cool dramatic impact, too.)
(Now that is a memorable and highly effective way to get a point across. In your face, doubters!)
(They may not lack self-esteem, but they are kind of lazy. Shouldn’t they be a bit more self-conscious about that?)
( I can’t speak for anyone else, but I can tell you this: eating takes precedence of 99.9% of everything else in life, especially if you don’t want to see me become crazy hangry.)
(I find myself on that very same figurative treadmill, going nowhere while getting very little accomplished.)
(I mean, yeah, I do find myself swatting flies some days. But I also manage to do this while carrying a load of laundry and balancing a pile of dirty dishes, so I earn all my meals, thank you very much.)
(Humor plays an understated, yet vital, role in civilization that cannot be underestimated.)
(Yes, but it’s a vicious cycle. It’s challenging to try to hug a child when they’re shooting Nerf darts at you.)
(It’s crazy how true this is. One minute, we’re eagerly awaiting a child’s first words. The next minute, we’re telling them to shut up.)
(Especially if it’s being passed off as “lemonade”.)
(Can’t go wrong with this philosophy. Although, in my case, it usually seems to be the other way around…)
(I be a goodly fine example of this here quote. Clean no more!)
(I wonder if this is also true for ulcers?)
(I wouldn’t know. Some days, I have my doubts about making it out of motherhood alive. But it’s good to know there’s a reward for those who do manage to survive.)
(Or a tornado. Or a tsunami. Or a typhoon…)
(All I know is, that first one is never mine. Then again, neither are any of the subsequent 78 pieces of luggage…)
(While not exactly funny, this one is 110% true.)
(I’m also an expert worrier. Yes, I’m good at it, but it brings me no joy. Perhaps I should find some new, more productive hobbies.)
(Which might explain the clouds of smoke coming out of my ears. System overload! Reboot! Reboot!)
(This is actually the title of one of Erma Bombeck’s books, but I frequently find myself wondering the exact same thing.)
(Time sure does fly. Fortunately, almost any note can be salvaged using this clever approach.)
(This is much harder than you’d probably expect. I mix up my boys’ names on a daily basis, and there’s just two of them. I can only imagine the struggle for parents with twice as many kids.)
(We all fail, from time to time. And to be successful, one must learn from their failures. So learn from your mistakes, then get out there and do something amazing!)
(The way I look at it, my kids didn’t come with warning labels at birth. I think any future spouses of theirs ought to find out what I figured out for myself. From experience. Good luck with that!)
(The fact that I’m still alive means I must be doing something right…but evidently, that something isn’t housework.)
(Sounds good to me! I laugh a lot. Mostly at myself, but I’m pretty sure it still counts.)
(That’s really not so bad, is it? I mean, I’d personally rather be a majestic tree than a cow.)
(How I love this one! It makes me laugh every single time.)
Proof that humor transcends time and change.
~Happy Friday, my friends! I hope you’ve enjoyed reading these quotes as much as I enjoyed sharing them with you. Have a fabulous weekend, and remember to always, always look for the humor in life.~